Upset about drinking at baby's bday

[nc20241]

NC as may be outing.

I had a bday party at home for my little one, invite was for a few hours into the afternoon/evening. Some games/bouncy castle/food/soft drinks planned- nothing major.

Invited family members and some of my friends and their children,
Not a huge amount of people.

Some of my friends seemed to seize the opportunity for a "piss up". I usually have a couple of bottles of wine in the fridge/maybe some spirits in the house (I'm not a huge drinker anymore!)... these were all drank (fine)... however I was shocked to see the girls go out and turn up with arm fulls of wine and several more bottles of gin...

I was then told and not asked "alright if we stop over isn't it?". I felt so awkward like I was put on the spot.

I was expecting the party to end around the time I specified on the invitation... my little one was tired and I wanted to get them off to bed and then clean up... instead I had my "friends" getting pissed downstairs and their kids running wild all over my house.

I had older family members there and my in laws and I think they were a little shocked and it didn't give off a good impression at all with drunk people crashed all over my sofas (my fil had popped back as forgot his glasses so saw this as well!).

I know I should have had a backbone but AIBU to be upset? I didn't even drink myself I had one glass of wine, so I'm not sure how anyone got the impression that I was up for or okay with that.

A poster whose husband's mates did what your friends did would be told in no uncertain terms that it's his fault, he didn't handle the situation and he let her and the family down. We'd be on the 15th "you have a DH problem" by now.

Op

I think you are having a hard time here. Why couldn’t he drop a hint and ask them to leave?

It should be no reflection on you and infact in this scenario my husband and I would be telling each other that we were uncomfortable and coming up with a way to get people out of the house.

This too shall pass.

YANBU.

Speak to them about this when they are sober and any future parties make it very clear to every one it's A NO BOOZE party for kids.

Any of your own alcohol needs to be out of your fridge and out of your house so they don't do what they did before.

That was absolutely horrendous OP, for you and your partner, as well as your kids. Things could kick off if you have words with them whilst they are still pi$$ed as fart$ so wait until they are hung over, then tell them to leave.

They will feeling like they are having a very bad dogs day.

I have always offered wine at a late afternoon or evening party, but would never expect such appalling behaviour.
I wouldn’t invite them ever again.
Late morning parties work best.

@HoppingPavlova do you really need alcohol to cope with a bouncy castle and kids games at a children’s party? How do you survive soft play?

What your friends did was awful, but I definitely think the party was too late in the day. If you invite adults as well as kids, and have a party to crosses over from afternoon into evening, there’s a danger of it being seen as a social event for parents. And for many people, that means alcohol. And once they’re drunk, they may not think clearly, and may end up taking the piss.

Never let a kids party finish later than about 5pm I reckon.

I don't think you could have foreseen this and I understand why you felt a bit blind-sided. Lesson learned. What kind of thing are they saying in their messages?

Why can’t people just be direct? DH is never direct and just leaves himself wide open to people offering alternatives/solutions. I am not worried about what others think and will say no in a heartbeat, especially if it means massively inconveniencing my family.

Out of interest why didn’t HE speak up about this mob running rings around you in your own home?

what’s the point of him being miffed with you? What’s that supposed to solve?

He didn't invite them. It wasn't his mess to clean up.

This is on you. You should have said er..no more alcohol please this is a kids party

FGS he is her partner maybe he could help instead of just getting annoyed with the OP.

Well yeah but he was probably trying to manage the situation with his parents and probably assumed OP would be able to handle her own "friends"

Blimey. In all my 27 years of parenting, I've never heard of such a thing. Mum's are usually desperate to get home (and have a drink!)

Maybe you couldn't have foreseen it happening (you say they're friends, how well do you know them??) But you could easily have said no sorry, you can't stay over, party's over now, thanks for coming! You need to be more assertive, if you behave like a doormat people will walk all over you!

Always the man's fault. Even when it's women getting pissed up and making a show of themselves at the invitation of another woman, it's the man's fault

I have thought about my previous response. I am wondering if I was too harsh. Are you neurodiverse? Perhaps you could practice what to say should the situation happen again

Depending on why you don't live together, it's technically none of his business.

I mean I get why he's pissed off but it's not his home?

As for his family, they are probably too busy judging why you don't live together to worry about your friends 😉
Seriously as long as you weren't pissed and making a scene then you can apologise / explain next time you see them.

I’m struggling to understand why you couldn’t say no to them staying over or just say that they can’t drink alcohol at the party.

I understand not being a confrontational person but you had plenty of opportunities to kindly tell them no.

You could have been asked your DP or a family member to speak to them on your behalf.

You are putting a lot of blame on these friends (who are at fault) but this was your home and they asked your permission and you said yes.

Applogise to your DP and the family and in future only invite people who you can say no to.

Perhaps practice saying no to minor things, which may help you in the future if something like this happens.

I am actually ND. I found hosting and organising for the party quite overwhelming in the first place.

Poor you. Some of your 'friends' were completely and outrageously badly behaved. I can't imagine any of my friends assuming that a children's party was to lead on to a piss-up. Yes, you should have asked them to leave as soon as you saw they were pissed, but it isn't always so easy to do that. NEVER invite them again, and tell them why.

I actually feel really sorry for you OP. You invited these "friends" to celebrate your baby's birthday and they abused your hospitality, got drunk when clearly that was not the type of party it was, slept on your sofa uninvited and embarrassed you in your own home. With friends like that you don't need enemies. I would be letting rip with them all then cutting contact totally. There behaviour was appalling and there lack of care for there own kids awful.

I have genuinely never been to a kids party that involved alcohol and have been to many over the years. The invite alone was very clear that it was a kids party not an adults party.

I can just imagine the thread - “my friends all came round and were getting drunk - but annoying but hey ho. Then my DH got arsey and told them all to leave”. There’d be a thousand LTB replies!

OP it’s a shame for your kids to say you will never host a home party again. They can be brilliant. Just because this one went a bit wrong doesn’t mean you can't learn to host with clearer boundaries (and more respectful supportive friends) in the future. Not everyone has the same ideas of what is acceptable so you need to be very clear what you want ie no alcohol, party’s over, here’s your coat and cake to take home … Life is so much simpler if you don’t overly worry about saying no to people. You will be fine.

You did nothing wrong. You were put on the spot. I am like that and sometimes only find the "right" answer hours later.

Now you know who your "friends" are. I would keep them at arm's length from now on.

Some people seem to be taking delight in putting you down. They sound rather bitter for some reason. Don't listen to them.