Nephew is ruining holiday

[Meltdowmahem]

NC for this

we’re on a trip or a lifetime. Meant to be the happiest place in the world but DN is ruining it for everyone.

meltdown after meltdown. Mainly about what to wear, what to eat, doesn’t want to wear suncream, cries and screams for an hour, finally agrees to put suncream on and then immediately run into the pool, gets burnt badly on shoulders, then screams and shouts about how awful the sunburn is.

constantly moans that cousins/siblings are getting more (they aren’t)

now we have an event that only DN can do due to age, but it requires them to wear a wetsuit, which they’re now wailing about, as if the rules will suddenly be changed due to their behaviour

I’m finding myself getting more and more frustrated, and fear I’ll just explode in a fit of anger and end up saying something I might later regret (not regret but for the sake of family harmony I should just keep my mouth shut)

DN has been a nightmare for years so to a certain extent I knew it would be potentially an issue but it’s just way worse than I anticipated.

any tips for keeping sane 😂😂

If you read the thread you will see this isn't the case.

This!

It’s definitely served as a reminder why I (and most special needs mums) would never take advice or input seriously from somebody with only neurotypical kids.

You could just do your own thing, my child is that child and believe me it is embarrassing as a parent 🤯🤯

YABU for knowingly embarking on this trip without a separate itinerary.

You knew this behaviour is customary, you know suspected issues have been ignored, etc. It was never going to be a joyous occasion.

Whatever the reason for their behaviour it’s equally disruptive and upsetting for your dc. Take them off for a day on your own.

Def sounds like sensory issues
However having dc woth those, we know that they hate suntan lotion from birth really so use rash vests etc.
And long clothing.
Food can be an issue when they only like a few then they are different abroad
We had ergh the yoghurt in soain - was more like fromage frais
Horrible cheese
Even bread is different

Then theres queuing for rides etc
My 2 have slapped other one, scratch other one after such long days

Long flights with probably delays then time different

And other kids around the whole time

No chance of masking..

We had much worse issues staying with family
And youngest who is 'fine at school' was slamming doors etc and my pdarents realised much more of the issues.

The more people the more compromising needed often mealtimes are odd.

Say 10yo wanting to go on rides that are too big for your dc...

Does he need ear defenders.
Maybe to queue for rides apart from other kids

ND or not behavior has to managed. It is a horrible disservice to ND people of all ages to have the attitude that no matter what they do it is ok because of ND. Not only does it endanger them as they get older it also makes people have an attitude that all ND people have behavior problems. Just as many that do have these issues there are just as many that do not.

Well this child isn’t an only child, so your lazy only child stereotype didn’t land in this case.

This!

💐or no need to correct as it was perfectly obvious what you meant x

I’m not saying that ‘no matter what they do it is ok because of ND’, just that a little empathy goes a long way.

I know I’m shouting into avoid here, but autistic meltdowns aren’t bad behaviour in the way a NT child having a temper tantrum might be. They’re not about a child trying to manipulate getting their own way, they are an expression of severe distress in a situation the child simply cannot cope with.

Not every ND person will have meltdowns in the same circumstances, because not every ND person will find the same situations stressful (just like NT people!) and some will have better coping mechanisms than others (just like NT people!)

It’s really unfortunate for everyone involved that OP’s nephew has been put in a situation in which he clearly really struggling. I imagine his mum misjudged his ability to cope and is really regretting bringing him, but he’s there now so the best thing the OP can do is try and spend as time as possible doing separate activities, and be thankful that her children are not struggling in the same way (there but for the grace of god and all that).

Sounds like ND and he's really not coping with the change. What does his Mother say? She shouldn't bring him to these places if it distresses him and causes meltdowns. She needs to learn to manage this by controlling his surroundings better. Does he like video games? Tv? Can he have a rest day watching TV?

You have your opinion and I have mine. I stand by what I said. You also have no idea if I , my spouse, a foster child or my child are ND. Have a lovely day

Go away for the day with your kids for a breather. Don’t go to Discovery Cove or whatever it is if your kids are too young. Will allow you time to decompress.

To be frank, the issue of ND is neither here nor there as far as you and your family being affected is concerned. You need to do what is needed to salvage as much as possible of your holiday. A break away from him will make all the difference and would help you avoid exploding and losing it with his parents or saying something horrid about the child. Try to do things apart for a few hours at a time. This may be hard if everyone is trapped in the same location due to transport so activities are tied together for the extended family. I don’t think there is anything wrong in saying to the other family that one family is dropped off/goes elsewhere to do a different activity for the afternoon and arrange to meet up later; you don’t have to live in each other’s pockets. If they asked why you could consider saying that nephew’s behaviour was dragging everyone down (if they could accept that without falling out.).

I don’t get why on Mumsnet every post where a child is described as being a badly behaved nightmare or an adult a thoughtless selfish bastard the immediate suggestion is possible undiagnosed ND? and if it is how does that make it any better for the poor sods dealing with them?

The OP isnt the one who inflicted anything on him. But her and her kids are the ones who are dealing with the issues that his mother clearly doesnt want to deal with.

Leave them to it and go and do yr own things without them. Avoid going on holiday with them ever again.

sorry, but YABU. You knew this could be an issue before you came. You know your Nephew is potentially ND.
You are on a once in a lifetime holiday. Go do your own thing with your kids as much as you can. Absolutely no need to explode at anybody.

Enjoy the rest of your holiday.

Not much to add except to say that however bad a time you are having, your sis is having a much worse time of it. I can't imagine how awful it must be for your DN and his mum honestly. Please don't blow up at him and make it worse - enjoy your time and try and carve out some quiet/fun for you and your own children. Good luck.

🤣

I have zero sympathy for parents who watch their kids struggle in life but refuse to get them help/diagnosis.

He’s 10? Have you actually asked him to think about whether he sees other kids behaving like this? Isn’t he embarrassed? Walk away. Don’t let it affect you. Don’t let your DM or DS‘s minimising of this behaviour get in the way of your kids having a great time. Take your kids away from it.

I know they mean well and your DS has no male support, but they are basically rewarding bad behaviour with junk food and making an unhappy child more obese. A bit like dog training by rewarding bad habits instead of good ones. Your mum and DS are placating him with food as an attempt to avoid the fallout and do the hard consistent parenting instead of sucking up the bad behaviour for a bit (even if the child says that they don’t feel loved/the adult doesn’t feel loved) teaching the child that the behaviour is pointless and they would be better off behaving well.

He’s 10? Have you actually asked him to think about whether he sees other kids behaving like this? Isn’t he embarrassed?

You realise that if he does have ASD this will be of fuck-all use because he cannot control his behaviour in the midst of a meltdown, right?

Err this. Fellow ND and l suspect one of my children are. I wouldn’t let my holiday be spoiled by him and his carrying on. Sounds very annoying. I would avoid and try to day trips with my children and partner / husband

Poor kid. Sounds like he's really struggling.