Nephew is ruining holiday

[Meltdowmahem]

NC for this

we’re on a trip or a lifetime. Meant to be the happiest place in the world but DN is ruining it for everyone.

meltdown after meltdown. Mainly about what to wear, what to eat, doesn’t want to wear suncream, cries and screams for an hour, finally agrees to put suncream on and then immediately run into the pool, gets burnt badly on shoulders, then screams and shouts about how awful the sunburn is.

constantly moans that cousins/siblings are getting more (they aren’t)

now we have an event that only DN can do due to age, but it requires them to wear a wetsuit, which they’re now wailing about, as if the rules will suddenly be changed due to their behaviour

I’m finding myself getting more and more frustrated, and fear I’ll just explode in a fit of anger and end up saying something I might later regret (not regret but for the sake of family harmony I should just keep my mouth shut)

DN has been a nightmare for years so to a certain extent I knew it would be potentially an issue but it’s just way worse than I anticipated.

any tips for keeping sane 😂😂

Actually meltdowns? Is he ND?
This is why we don't do abroad holidays when our ND kids are young. On paper they would be so excited - reality would be merry hell.
Sensory issues from suncream/heat/change of routine/different bed/different food
Our eldest is now able to manage these difficulties enough to actually enjoy a holiday.
We went one year to Croatia when it was just my eldest ( before she was diagnosed) She refused ALL food except Pancakes from this one restaurant. Went on water strike. Would only drink apple juice. Ended up with horrendous nappy rash and roared the whole entire flight.
I actually tried to fly home early but they only had flights once a week!

My son was not diagnosed with aspherghers until 30 but everybody saw he was 'hyper '. Holidays and unfamiliar surroundings were and still are the hardest foe him to cope with. I remember the nightmare of a single parent holiday when he was 12. I said, as soon as we leave here he'll be fine and he was.
Not sure if this is helpful 🤔 I haven't read all the comments.

I have a daughter like this. If she has her sensory tools, like headphones, chewies and loose clothing, then we can keep her regulated and have a nice time. Sometimes we still need to remove her from a situation and calm her down. They don't have "meltdowns" because they think it will make it so they don't have to wear/do xyz. It's because those things make them extremely uncomfortable. My daughter is luckily very verbal, she expressed that some days the seams on her clothes feel like sharp prickles. There's no way I would try to put her in a wetsuit or other type of restrictive clothing. Sensory dysfunction doesn't always show up in a structured school environment because the routines are very predictable which helps those kids put up with the discomfort, but when the discomfort is a surprise they react like a kid panic attack desperate to avoid the pain. Knowing that you are going to get a tooth pulled at the dentist would be very different than being randomly sat down and told to open up while someone holds a pair of pliers to try to pull out a tooth.

The parents probably feel it more than you. And are trying their best with this stage he is in.

Im assuming these people are super close with you? Like immediate family. So just think how you can help the situation where possible. Reacting in the moment will have repercussions none of you want (they will always stick up for their child, and you know this)….. so just help them out!

Went on holidays with my DB and his family a few years ago. My youngest child was very difficult to parent, but I had a long term plan that I would love him, work with him, seek to understand him, and remove him (with me) if necessary. Oldest child was cruisy as. He is a great kid now. There were underlying health issues we didn't understand at the time which made him pretty permanently uncomfortable. I spent the holiday being subtly lectured about my methods of discipline, his "behaviour", as if I hadn't noticed! It sucked honestly. I love my DB, but limit the time we spend as families now. Worst thing was that SIL spoke of my youngest in disparaging tones around his slightly older cousins, and thier relationship is pretty average now. I wanted love and acceptance from my family. Sad really.

This is the best reply in this thread. 👏

Ever heard of autism masking? Individuals can only do this for a period of time before overwhelmed

"Weak and ineffective" is subjective and ignorant of the fact that these people (the parents) live with these kids and know them better than anyone. You are wrong. My son behaved perfectly at school, but let it all out with us because he trusted us to deal with his problems. I am so glad we were kind to him at every opportunity. He was unwell and we didn't know. Imagine if we had been "tough". He would have been on his own with unvarying pain. He had since had brain surgery.

Tell me I have no idea about autism without telling me I have no idea of autism 😞

I'd do your own thing and leave tanting brat to his own parents to deal with. Like you I'd want to say something! Sometimes naughty kids get a shock when they're told off by someone other than mum/dad and he might listen.

You knew he was badly parenting before and resulting behaviour - so you should have known this would happen. So you need to take some responsibility.

That said - you have a choice now. Put in your own boundaries! Do things separately from extended family and explain why - your DN's behaviour is disruptive and you wish to spend more time with your own kids! Think of your own kids - they should enjoy the holiday too. Stop tip toeing around and protect your own family!