Nephew is ruining holiday

[Meltdowmahem]

NC for this

we’re on a trip or a lifetime. Meant to be the happiest place in the world but DN is ruining it for everyone.

meltdown after meltdown. Mainly about what to wear, what to eat, doesn’t want to wear suncream, cries and screams for an hour, finally agrees to put suncream on and then immediately run into the pool, gets burnt badly on shoulders, then screams and shouts about how awful the sunburn is.

constantly moans that cousins/siblings are getting more (they aren’t)

now we have an event that only DN can do due to age, but it requires them to wear a wetsuit, which they’re now wailing about, as if the rules will suddenly be changed due to their behaviour

I’m finding myself getting more and more frustrated, and fear I’ll just explode in a fit of anger and end up saying something I might later regret (not regret but for the sake of family harmony I should just keep my mouth shut)

DN has been a nightmare for years so to a certain extent I knew it would be potentially an issue but it’s just way worse than I anticipated.

any tips for keeping sane 😂😂

Just so people know a non-neurotypical child will be prepared to go hungry rather than eat the "wrong" food. My eldest ate four things as a small child. It is not always junk food either - his favourite was apple. From about three he was almost completely vegetarian. It is not a question of rewarding them with junk food - it's desperately hoping you can find something else they will eat. His younger brother who was brought up the same way was a keen carnivore and fan of French food. The eldest eventually transformed into an adventurous vegetarian as an adult if that gives anybody hope and is a couple of years off qualifying as a doctor.

Bloody hell, in some ways I’m glad that my autistic (and a bunch of other disabilities) DS1 is now 18. People see an 18 year old with his teddy in his arms (teddy is always dressed appropriately for whichever occasion it is) and his ear defenders on and they understand. However when he was younger the stares and silent judging we used to get were heartbreaking and completely bloody exasperating and utterly exhausting. Every neurodiverse child or individual is different to the next one, but the lack of understanding and compassion from some posters on this thread is really disheartening.

OP I hope you all enjoy the rest of your holiday. Please do take the advice to split up and spend time with that your twins - but please support your sister too.

Every neurodiverse child or individual is different to the next one, but the lack of understanding and compassion from some posters on this thread is really disheartening

Wholeheartedly agree. Especially the “well I’m ND and I don’t do that” charmers. Because there’s only one proper way to be autistic, obviously. 🙄

@JennyJenny8675309 and all the other posters that came on to laugh at @MummaMummaJumma

You need some rest-bite from your own smugness.

He’s 10 and he DOESN’T have any kind of diagnosis. I think there are too many unqualified people here willing to diagnose a child they have never seen with a neurological condition despite reading that a) He’s fine at school. (Most kids with SEN exhibit some kinds of behavioural, social and/or educational signs while at school.)

"Any child who can learn to behave at school can learn to behave in public."

Tell me I've no idea about ND without saying I've no idea about ND!@User8646382 .

Sorry, but plenty of people manage to control their children’s behaviour in public, ND or not. Your comment says more about you than it does about me.

Jesus wept. 7yo dd told me to shut the fuck up in public today. She's never said that to her teachers, but most definitely has adhd. You have literally no idea what you're talking about. Our 13yo ds has never in his life said that to us either, before you start banging on about ineffective parenting.

Op, I came here to say what a lot of others have said. Most of the things you list could be triggered by tactile sensory processing issues. I know this, because our daughter is similarly affected and has caused many challenges to us on family holidays. She's got better as our understanding of her has improved. Still doesn't stop her telling me to shut the fuck up sometimes in public though, unfortunately.

@Whatafustercluck - LOL. I’m trying to imagine what would have happened if I, or any one of my siblings, had said that to my mum or dad growing up. I hate to even think, but it wouldn’t have been pretty.

Honestly, one of my own kids would have said that to me once. I would not have tolerated it, and nor should you.

I'm dying to know which remedy you think would have been effective that we have not already done 😂 Does it involve the Birch?

Honestly, if you have no direct experience of this, you are completely ignorant.

Replies like these just come across so uneducated and stupid.

You have no idea what you’re on about so go and find a different discussion. Your input adds zero value.

This thread has spiralled into a battle between those defending ND and those discounting it. Like most most on here I have my own opinions on the topic. But that’s not what the OP asked about. She wants to know how to salvage a (presumably expensive) family holiday from the detrimental effects of her nephew’s behaviour. (who is undiagnosed with anything BTW) It does not matter a fuck if she should be “more understanding” “grateful she doesn’t have ND kids” “have sympathy for sister”. None of these remarks are going to help her avoid falling out with family due to either an outburst, row, inability to hide her annoyance and frustration at his behaviour, regardless of the reason for it. Sadly she is stuck in a shit situation she shouldn’t have to deal with and needs tips on managing that, not guilt tripped for complaining her family’s experience is being ruined.

OP, just try to arrange time away from your nephew. If you are questioned you could be diplomatically honest and say it’s all to much and you all need a break from the drama. TBF your sister probably won’t ask. If it’s as bad as you say she will know the reason (and feel like running off herself). If she’s not able to manage her son then you sure as hell won’t be able to. Perhaps when you return home you could have an honest conversation with her and perhaps your input will help - if he’s her only child she will have nothing to compare him to and could think he is in a normal range of behaviour. Then she could get him seen by a professional if that’s what is needed.

Those of you who are just arguing and not helping op, could you start your own thread please? You are annoying as shit derailing op’s thread completely.

TBF, the OP has already been given (multiple times) the only reasonable advice under the circumstances, which is to spend time apart doing things with her own children, and hope the nephew settles down.

Errr all this. Whether he is neurodiverse or not then he is ruining the OP’s enjoyment of the holiday. She doesn’t need to suck it up and that’s why people are giving advice to spend some time away from him

It's been suggested multiple times that op spends time away from the nephew's drama. If this has been an issue for years, presumably it hasn't come as a surprise that he's behaving this way. Einstein's definition of insanity springs to mind.

For a lasting remedy, either don't agree to go on holiday with them again or help the family by suggesting that there might be some tactile sensitivity there. Like I said, all the things referred to in the op are triggers for tactile sensitivity. Op herself says that there are strong suspicions of ND, despite no diagnosis. I totally get that dealing with another family's dramas when you're on the trip of a lifetime is extremely wearing. So op either needs to a. stop going, b. reduce the time she spends with them drastically, or c. help the family find an alternative, and lasting, solution to improve things for everyone's sake (on the basis of it not being her responsibility, this leaves option a or b).

My own sister has had holidays derailed by dd's meltdowns, so i speak from experience. Her solution was to support us, though. And it's worked. We all have a better understanding, this has helped dd and improved the situation for everyone, and we still get to holiday together.

As long as you don’t have to look after the little fucker just walk away and do your own thing..

I voted YABU but it's a very soft one, as I'm sorry for both your DN and you. You say he's 10 and possibly ND.

If he is ND but has no diagnosis and support then that is a very difficult life. Even with a diagnosis getting the right support is almost a full time job in itself. If your DSis has too work full time and do all the parenting it leaves precious little time to navigate the system which is never easy.

A big family holiday with lots of competing needs is certain to be a disaster unless people know exactly what DNs needs are and how to meet them.

It's not impossible but a family holiday for an ND family can look very different to the norm, but it can be happy and relaxing with the right supports.

I do hope that rather than writing him off as a lost cause like so many people do to our ND kids something can be done in the future to do things differently and have a good time. Its unlikely to be possible on this particular break though.

ND kids don't mean to "ruin it" for everyone and unfortunately spend far too long wondering what's wrong with them before things work out for the better and not without a very long battle for a parent determined not to give up on them.

My LG is ND (autistic along with sensory issues) and can be very challenging when she's unregulated, so I have full sympathy for your DS and DN. Saying that, I wouldn't be happy if my children's holiday was being spoiled in this way either (especially if this is their once in a lifetime Disney trip). No easy answer really, except to try and treat them with grace (your DS likely feels just as awful as her son), while also getting some time away for your twins to enjoy themselves without this stressful environment. It would probably do your nephew some good to have time just your DS and DM as well, as he might feel he's in a situation where he has to mask 24/7 with still being with a big group of people during what should be his down time after busy days at the parks.

If time apart is difficult due to transport issues, then Disney transportation is great when you're there. It's possible to park at the Transport and Ticket Center with one group heading to Magic Kingdom and the other to Epcot on the monorail, or even to get buses everywhere from the Disney Springs area. Universal, everywhere is walkable so can easily go your own ways for a little while. If they absolutely refuse to split up, assuming the day at Discovery Cove hasn't already passed, that would also be a good day to spend time just your family together while he is with the dolphins. They have a lovely snorkelling pool, a lazy river/rapids area and a place to feed the tropical birds. Honestly, all those are better than the dolphin swim imo and would make for a relaxing break from everyone else.