Nephew is ruining holiday

[Meltdowmahem]

NC for this

we’re on a trip or a lifetime. Meant to be the happiest place in the world but DN is ruining it for everyone.

meltdown after meltdown. Mainly about what to wear, what to eat, doesn’t want to wear suncream, cries and screams for an hour, finally agrees to put suncream on and then immediately run into the pool, gets burnt badly on shoulders, then screams and shouts about how awful the sunburn is.

constantly moans that cousins/siblings are getting more (they aren’t)

now we have an event that only DN can do due to age, but it requires them to wear a wetsuit, which they’re now wailing about, as if the rules will suddenly be changed due to their behaviour

I’m finding myself getting more and more frustrated, and fear I’ll just explode in a fit of anger and end up saying something I might later regret (not regret but for the sake of family harmony I should just keep my mouth shut)

DN has been a nightmare for years so to a certain extent I knew it would be potentially an issue but it’s just way worse than I anticipated.

any tips for keeping sane 😂😂

I CAN control my dc’s behaviour in public. I (or they) will probably then pay the price at home.
A holiday with others is hard because it demands an extended period of masking/control with no outlet or rest. As I say, it’s why we don’t do it.

You're trying to reason with someone who clearly has absolutely no understanding and even less desire to educate herself. I can't 'control' my dd's behaviour in public, and I'm thankfully becoming immune to the disapproving looks. They don't walk in my shoes. They have no idea, no empathy. So I no longer care what they think.

@Whatafustercluck Absolutely.

Just do your own thing through the daytime and meet up for dinner. Or tell him we are doing x at y time if not ready / wearing the required sunscreen etc we are leaving without you. And do it! At 10 yo they should understand expectations and consequences. Parents need to work out what to do with him not you! No point in having everyone miserable .and no point waiting , give options like if ready at lunch we will be at x and will be there until y if you want to join us. Pity you are not ready after breakfast to go with us but these are the options.

Sounds like my son when he was younger. Turns out he has ASD and we were unaware. Now we know we have changed our approach to him and he is now a dream of a child. (In top 10 of a school of 1500 for house points). If he is ND, his behaviour is not his fault. He is Mac computer trying to survive in a Microsoft world.

Sounds like a totally different approach is needed. No matter why this boy is like this it sounds like you need a break
Go off and do your own thing for a while.
Dn needs a totally different approach re negotiating, explaining maybe even with pictures, warning before pre warning well before pool and suncream time. Distractions etc while getting stuff done m
Sun cream before leave the room, better timing and planning as well as a big dollop of patience because mum will be trying everything.

People on the outside get frustrated but this is mums life.

@Grah

Can you share some tips on that approach

You said you think the kid needs therapy as there's a family history and they suspect he is neurodiverse. So he's somewhere different, with lots of people, new sensations and food and you're whinging he's having a bunch of meltdowns? This is a holiday with an nd child...you could try being understanding and kind and not going on holiday with him next time.

can u and sis swap kids for a day-? then you give him some 1 on 1 and them both a "break"from each other?

Take your twins off for a day with you. It's their holiday, too - It must be exhausting and probably rather frightening for them having a bigger older boy raging in their presence. Have they said anything about how they feel?

Have a frank talk with your sister and keep repeating the message - it's clear all is not well with her son and he needs help.

She is going to have to be strong and persistent and get her head out of the sand and accept his diet, his weight and his behaviour are all real problems and will probably get worse.

It seems likely he is ND, and puberty is going to be hell for all. He needs professional help. And that isn't something you and your little twins can give.

Warning of any change to routine. Choices eg, do you want your bath now, or in 30 mins. Social stories eg, we did one when we went to Disney World so he knew what to expect at the airport, on the plane, at the theme parks etc. Being aware of his movements so I can sense when he is getting anxious eg, stiffening when in Boots once and pulling on my arm. I would have ignored this before and it would have resulted in a shutdown or meltdown but asking if he could tell me what was wrong (it was the overpowering smell in there - so he stood outside with Dad while I carried on shopping). Not making him do stuff that really doesn't matter eg, he can get up from the table as soon as he has finished eating at home. (He happily sits at the table in restaurants but normally has a book to read). Lots more but each child with ASD is different so you have to learn what is best for your child.
Believe me, success did not happen overnight but 5 years later, he is a dream of a child and I'm blessed to have him.

Why is everyone deciding that DN - which could be niece OR nephew - is a boy?

Because the title of the thread is "Nephew is ruining holiday", perhaps?

I find this thread frustrating and upsetting to read and as the parent of a ND child, it seems pretty obvious what is going on here. My main sympathies lie with your DN and DSis.

However, to answer your question specifically

It sounds like you have two options OP:

Go off with your own children and try to salvage what you can of your very expensive holiday from your “nightmare” DN. Your DSis will probably be relieved to not be under constant judgement and can do what works best for her son, rather than trying to please/fit in with the rest of you.

Offer to give her some respite. Spend a day in the room/hotel with your DN and allow him to do what he wants (maybe playing on an iPad?).

As a parent of a ND 9 year old this makes me so sad. He is autistic with ADHD. He would do exactly these things. Suncream is a huge no, he can’t be reasoned with, we have cancelled events before because he won’t wear the outfit he needs to wear for it, meltdowns in public. It would break my heart to think that my family or my husbands family would be talking behind our backs about how he is ruining the holiday instead of showing a little compassion. How about “wow I can see his parents are amazing dealing with this all day every day, I’ll try and lighten the load?”
You say yourself he is likely ND but you are still moaning about his behaviour?
he’s fine at school because it’s a safe routine, with safe people he sees every day. This is a new environment, he’s overwhelmed, over stimulated, anxious, hot, and probably being dragged all over to do numerous fantastic outings which is all too much.

I support my extended family at home. When I go away, it is to recharge and not deal with anyone’s else’s problems. I deliberately don’t go away with one of my siblings for this reason. Also, the mother of the DN seems to be in denial and not understanding of her son at all. This is just a shit situation all round and I’d be moaning too.

I'd be honest and tell them I can't spend another second listening to him Whinge whine and moan ruining my childs holiday then seperate myself and then never go away with them again

You want consideration but don't return the same sentiments to anyone else? What about everyone else on the holiday whose time is being ruined?

If you went on holiday with someone who had a physical disability would you say they were ruining the holiday because they couldn’t walk round with everyone else? Would you make them stay at home so they didn’t ruin your holiday? You make adaptations for people you love and care about so everyone can be included. They could split up some days so everyone can do what they want to do. His parents should be spending time with him separately when he gets overwhelmed. Presumably the extended family can go and do something else if they want - no one is forcing them to spend every minute together. Theyve also said this child is 10 and clearly ND, haven’t they noticed before? Did they not think about whether they wanted to go on holiday together before they booked it? What it would entail? How he would struggle? What are you expecting the child to do? Do you think he’s doing it on purpose and can just say “oops I’m ruining everyone’s holiday I’ll just switch my cognitive disabilities off”. Wouldn’t life be easier if that was the case. Should I ask my autistic 9 year old to turn his autism off next time we go out so there’s no risk of the day being spoilt?
if they don’t want to spend time with their nephew then don’t. I’m sure the parents would be relieved that their judgement was taken elsewhere.

Frankly if people are going to moan about how my autistic child behaves I would rather they didn’t come.
He’s 10 years old it’s not a new thing. They knew what to expect.
there’s zero reason why they can’t just go and do their own thing rather than moaning. If this was a physically disabled person they were moaning about everyone would be outraged.

Regardless of whether your DN is ND or not, it sounds like it’s spoiling the experience for your own children as well as you. So for that reason I’d separate as much as possible. They don’t have to come second to their cousin because they are NT, there needs to be a way for them to enjoy the holiday too.

At least read the op's posts.

I agree. It does sound like he may be on the autistic spectrum. Change of routine, crowds, noise, etc will be horrible for him if so. 😥