Nephew is ruining holiday

[Meltdowmahem]

NC for this

we’re on a trip or a lifetime. Meant to be the happiest place in the world but DN is ruining it for everyone.

meltdown after meltdown. Mainly about what to wear, what to eat, doesn’t want to wear suncream, cries and screams for an hour, finally agrees to put suncream on and then immediately run into the pool, gets burnt badly on shoulders, then screams and shouts about how awful the sunburn is.

constantly moans that cousins/siblings are getting more (they aren’t)

now we have an event that only DN can do due to age, but it requires them to wear a wetsuit, which they’re now wailing about, as if the rules will suddenly be changed due to their behaviour

I’m finding myself getting more and more frustrated, and fear I’ll just explode in a fit of anger and end up saying something I might later regret (not regret but for the sake of family harmony I should just keep my mouth shut)

DN has been a nightmare for years so to a certain extent I knew it would be potentially an issue but it’s just way worse than I anticipated.

any tips for keeping sane 😂😂

This is demonstrably false. Children, like all people, are individuals with their own personalities who make their own choices. The way they are "parented" is just one piece in the complex jigsaw of nature and nurture that goes in to making a person.

I know loads of amazing parents with poorly behaved children. Whereas I've just muddled through and no doubt made shit-loads of mistakes, as has her dad, and my daughter is an absolute dream, doing amazingly at school and never in trouble.

OP, I'd just go out for the day with your own kids tomorrow. Break will do you all a bit of good I expect. Good luck - sounds frustrating.

Perhaps his own parent should educate themselves too maybe before agreeing to the holiday.

If you’re in Florida’s we’ve had a LOT of holidays there in shared villas and things have got really tense at times. IME, when the going gets tough you say “we’re off to Gatorland tomorrow, all the kids are getting on each others nerves so it will do them good to have a break” there may be a few po faces but I can guarantee they are much happier to see each other 12 hours later, all is forgotten.

rise and repeat as necessary.

Surely if the child is ND, the parents will know this holiday will be a struggle for him. Complete change of routine will throw him right off - but they shouldn't expect that to spoil your holiday.
The answer is, we are leaving to do "......." at such a time (that is feasible for all) if however this becomes to stressful for your DN, Surely the answer should be "you guys go we will catch up" not everyone hang around while this meltdown happens.

Sounds like your sister needs to find ways of holidaying to suit the whole family.
Choose the holiday based around the children you do have - not try to make them fit into the holiday you choose.

My parenting style is very different to my brother’s. He has one ds and I have 3dds. I think his ds is autistic but it’s not something I can raise. Lots of signs but also gentle parenting means he’s a tantrum nightmare when he doesn’t get what he wants. When he starts I distract my own dc and leave db and dsil to manage him. It’s too frustrating to stay. The only time I intervene is for safety reasons.

i think family holidays need to have planned space to do stuff separately for your own sanity but overall, focus on your dts.

You can have empathy and still be highly frustrated with the situation. It's not only this child's holiday, what about the other children and everyone who paid money to go on it. If anything, the parent was irresponsible going on this type of holiday knowing how her child will find it overwhelming.

I have 2 ND sons and I would not go on a group holiday because I have learned from experience of taking the away how challenging it can be for all of us and how we need to be totally free to do whatever suits them best. However it has taken me some time to get to this level
of insight and understanding. If their son is 10 and not diagnosed and they are perhaps in denial, and trying to pretend that everything is fine, I can totally see how this would happen. I think if you took yourself off they’d probably be really relieved to have some time to manage his behaviour.

Take your kids out on your own and do nice things with them. Leave DN to hang out with your Dmum and Dsis. Put enough space and time aside away from DN so that you don't blow a gasket.

Hahaha I love this, I feel that these wise words can be applied to every aspect of life 😂

I’ll never forget my (at the time) 45 year old mother having a full blown nervous breakdown walking through City Walk to get to Universal. The sounds, the music, the heat the day after the flight etc…it was all too much for her. She doesn’t have any diagnoses but she is 100% ADHD.

Florida theme parks, whilst great, are overstimulating as hell. The heat is oppressive. Your DN 100% sounds undiagnosed neurodivergent and he’s very much struggling with this whole holiday.

An ND child behaving in an ND way has fuck all to do with gentle parenting, btw.

Maybe, just maybe your DB and / or SIL adopted gentle parenting as they quickly realized authoritarian parenting was making things worse.

She’s got her own two younger kids to parent. DN has his mum and his grandma caring for him. It’s not OP’s job to parent other kids.

Even without sn and the best parenting ‘trips of a lifetime’ are both the highest highs and most amazing times, but with that is the overwhelm, the lowest lowest lows with tiredness and stress. As we were walking out of Disney we were absolutely stomping on, just wanting to get to the bus as people ran past us squealing and exclaiming. It was either people around us arguing, moaning and crying or so excited as we were ourselves at different points.

This sounds like my ND child. If you are finding it hard imagine how his parents are feeling. It's not always the parenting.

As for being fine at school, so was mine until years of masking led to him ending up in crisis. Now 'his fine' in school but everyday there is a need to be spoken to about some incident or another. School absolutely love him, meltdowns included as they acknowledge how much he is struggling but my and his grandparents get it awful. He is never as bad at school. A dysregulated child is really hard work but imagine how scary and overwhelmed they must be in that moment.

Just ignore him and concentrate on your own children.

Not all children who have meltdowns are ND. Not all ND children are obese with restrictive diets.

I really despair of MNetters who just jump to this conclusion.

Some children, through shitty parenting, are just brats.

Except op herself said herself they have suspicions that her nephew is autistic.

@Garlicnaan I’m not an authoritarian parent at all but my brother and his wife, having one child, their world revolves around what he wants. It’s not possible to do that with 3dc. If dn doesn’t want to go out, they don’t go out… which doesn’t work for a family trip when my young dc were all toiletted and in the car. They are very, very passive. Dn may not be autistic but I still think that tools parents use for nd children would help. They do nothing. I’ve worked with nd children and passive parenting is not what they need imo. Structure, safe choices and safe spaces with tools to support emotional regulation, plus understanding triggers and a consistent approach. But sure, I must be wrong.

SEN or not, it sounds to me like he needs to be given some boundaries. It’s not on for him to ruin everyone else’s holiday, especially if he is capable of behaving at school, where presumably he doesn’t want to be shown up in front of his mates.

What your sister needs to do, OP, is calmly tell him to belt up when he starts whinging and carrying on. She needs to explain that she will say it twice more before taking him back to the hotel or villa or wherever you are staying and putting him to bed for the rest of the day, without any devices. And then she needs to follow it through.

My guess is that she would need to do this once, after which she would see a dramatic improvement in his behaviour.

I suppose it might be an effort getting him into the car, kicking and screaming. But she might have to suffer the indignity of other people gawping and sniggering at the free entertainment for everyone’s benefit in the long run, most of all his.

It’s called discipline, OP, if anyone here remembers what that is.

She has 6 year old twins and her own parents ie grandparents are there helping her DS with DN I am sure she has her own hands full already.

It is not up to her to help out with her DN whether ND or NT. She should be enjoying her (expensive) holiday with her children and doing as others have suggested which is to do things separately and perhaps meet up later for a meal.

It is not her responsibility and she shouldn't feel obliged that she should be taking over for 15 minutes here and there when she has younger twins of her own to care for.

We have been to Florida a couple of times with DS who is ND. The first time we stayed off site and went to a park every other day, with the alternate days spent doing quieter things, like sitting in the shallow bit of the hotel pool, playing with his bath toys, or visiting some of the malls to get out of the sun, or just playing with Lego in the hotel room. We took a coach tour to NASA as well.

Second time we did stay on site, but still had down days and also hired a car so we could escape from the Mouse and eat something other than fried chicken.

He sounds like he would benefit from the four of you doing something separately. So you would be very reasonable to suggest it.

@viques really? Bit of a jump isn't it?? I know loads of only children and every single one loves big family events and are very sociable. This child is not an only child so doesn't explain the behaviour.

Is he an only child? I think it can sometimes be hard for onlies when they are thrust head first into an extended family life experience like a holiday, when they suddenly realise that they aren’t always the centre of attention, that other people, other children especially, have voices, choices and opinions, that they need to share time, resources, the tv remote etc etc

Op you've said yourself that your DN may be ND. Regardless they are really struggling with the change of environment and expectations. No child wants to behave like this. Let the parents manage it as best they can and be sympathetic. Split up and do your own thing with your own dc for a while. Nobody needs to be in everyone's pockets all day long, regardless of where you are.

Behaviour like this, at 10, is not remotely explained by being an only child.