To expect my husband to support me?

[pregahes]

need some advice on a recurring issue with my husband. Whenever I feel upset or wronged by someone, he always dismisses my feelings or acts like he doesn’t care. It’s getting to the point where I feel like I can’t count on him to have my back.

For instance, during a recent long-haul flight, I put my seat back, and the person behind me kept pushing it forward. When I politely asked if I could recline my seat, she replied aggressively, supported by her husband. I called the flight attendant for assistance, and they resolved the situation.

However, my husband, who had his headphones on and missed the whole exchange, didn’t seem to care when I told him what happened. He simply shrugged it off and went back to his seat and said it isn't his problem, even though I was visibly upset and shaken by the incident.

This isn’t an isolated incident. My husband always seems to side with others instead of supporting me, leaving me feeling unsupported and alone. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to take my side in situations like these? I’d appreciate any advice or perspective on how to handle this. Thanks.

Does he respect you in other ways?

My DH is very conflict-avoidant but knowing his family history I can see why, so it's not something I hold against him.

This.

I suspect this is one of those threads where what people say they do or expect is very different to what they really do or expect.

It's also important to note agression between men can be very different to agression between women.
As blokes we learn from a very early age (school yard punch-ups) that escalating situations can very quickly lead to physical violence, so for most of us average blokes our default position is to defuse most situations.
If my partner was constantly going around escalating minor situations in public, I would be very worried that I'm going to get punched in the face or worse! It's also just tiresome when someone behaves like that.

I'm not going to get into the whole whether it's right to recline or not but I did have a friend who sounds similar to you. She'd always end up in these arguments because she knew she was right. I stood up for her the first couple of times but it got waring and I couldn't be bothered with it in the end so I just stopped going out with her.

That's absurd. You should give fair warning, yes, and/or visually check and recline very slowly and carefully. You should not have to ask permission else nobody would ever get to recline their seat.

OP - if your husband didn't think it was a big deal he should have offered to swap seats with you.

This you are not a child, being female does not render you useless nor being able to speak for yourself surely you don't need a man to rescue you?

I personally hate people reclining their seats on a flight which is why I never do it myself. However in my many years of flying not ONE single reclining person has ever asked me if it was ok for them to recline their seat. And the flight attendants always say that passengers have the right to recline their seats. The poster is NBU with regards to the reclining seat. I also don't think she's being unreasonable in wanting her husband's support. Spouses should always support one another.

The responses to this thread are insane. The lady behind the OP was actually punching her seat and being verbally aggressive. Calling the flight crew over is surely the right thing to do, not 'escalating'...escalating would be being aggressive and violent back, surely. Yes the OP could have just sat upright on a 10 hour overnight flight to keep the peace, which is what the rude lady was hoping for...but why the fuck should she? If she had stayed awake and uncomfortable for 10 hours to avoid getting shouted at, everyone would be telling her to grow a backbone.

OP, if you're upset about something (and the vast majority of people would be upset at being shouted at and having their seat punched) it's absolutely not normal for your husband to not give a shit about it, and its really rude and unsupportive to say 'not my problem'. Yes, its not directly his problem, but that's kind of the point of a marriage, that you support each other (not necessarily by stepping in practically, but at least by being sympathetic and caring) when one of you has issues. It seems nasty to me, that he literally doesn't care when something u pleasant happens to you

Can you give more examples? Because in the only one you've given, I'd say that he was embarrassed you'd reclined your seat with no warning and upset the people sitting behind you.

And I didn't interpret that the OP actually wanted her husband to step in / tell the rude lady to fuck off or anything. Did everyone miss that she told him what happened and he actually said he didn't care, then had a nice joke with the couple that were being nasty? That's way beyond 'not getting involved'

He's fed up of dealing with your shit

It’s nothing to do with being female, it’s to support the person you’re with.

Two women once rammed a pushchair into my elderly, disabled mum’s legs because she wasn’t going fast enough for them and they thought she was alone. I gave the cunts a piece of my mind because they picked on someone they perceived to be weaker.

If you would just standby and watch abhorrent behaviour then that’s your lookout but don’t expect others to meekly watch.

Agreed. Many people, include MNers, still resent a woman for standing up for herself.

Can't believe you still reclined your seat fully knowing that you were annoying someone. You sound a bit of a diva maybe your husband thinks this too ?

When you say it's a recurring issue, but focus on one example, it's hard to form a clear picture. We have no idea if he's repeatedly lettig you down, or repeatedly embarrassed by your attitude, picking fights then expecting him to assume the physical risk.

Personally, when I've encountered people in real life who repeatedly assert that they won't be walked over in the manner you have, they're often the bullies themselves. Especially when they say their family share that attitude.

Genuinely assertive people who do it for the right reasons don't need to keep declaring it.

But then again that's also based on the very limited information you're providing, so I may be way off.

Only read the OP but I'm going to hazard a guess that posters have 1. Concentrated on you putting your seat back and 2. Asked you why on earth you expect your husband to be there for you.
Don't bother replying @pregahes . There are some very damaged people on this board who have no idea about normal interactions 'outside'. They live in Mumsnet land. You should expect nothing from no-one but YOU should be a paragon of virtue 😊.

It's 2024. Woman are capable of looking after themselves and don't need men to step in to "defend" them. (This is regardless of the rights and wrongs of any specific situation).

Don't recline your seat on flights...absolute height of entitlement unless it's an overnight flight.

Maybe your husband was embarrassed of you...I would have been.

Having a seat in front recline on you for some people on some planes means they also have to recline their seat too and also those behind them etc as well , as there is then just no room for the person behind at all.
Fly First Class/Business Class for more room.

I never recline my seat unless person behind has already done so.
I always think people like you who recline on others must be first time flyers or they would not do it!

Did you notice that she said nothing of the sort until people generally did not agree with her? He had earphones on and then shrugged in the first post. If my husband had a row about the seat with the couple behind him and then told me, I would probably shrug it off too.

I actually disagree with this and think it’s fine to recline long haul outwith service and I don’t think you need to ask either, on this I’m with the op, the seats are made to recline. Ridiculous to buy a seat on a plane thinking the person in front can’t recline or it’s ill mannered.

i do though not align with the op and her little woman desire to get her husband involved In her arguments.

I was worried to go back to my seat because I will recline and she could get violent with me

Now you're just being dramatic 🙄
I've never had anyone ask if they can recline their seat, but I do think all seats should be unreclineable on an airplane - it's annoying for those behind you and just starts a domino effect until you get to the last row and they can't recline.

You knew she did not want you reclining into her space, you did anyway. What makes your needs more important than hers? He rightly did not have your back because you were behaving so ignorantly.

She has the right to recline her chair as the cabin crew confirmed the space it reclines into is not owned by the other passenger.