To expect my husband to support me?

[pregahes]

need some advice on a recurring issue with my husband. Whenever I feel upset or wronged by someone, he always dismisses my feelings or acts like he doesn’t care. It’s getting to the point where I feel like I can’t count on him to have my back.

For instance, during a recent long-haul flight, I put my seat back, and the person behind me kept pushing it forward. When I politely asked if I could recline my seat, she replied aggressively, supported by her husband. I called the flight attendant for assistance, and they resolved the situation.

However, my husband, who had his headphones on and missed the whole exchange, didn’t seem to care when I told him what happened. He simply shrugged it off and went back to his seat and said it isn't his problem, even though I was visibly upset and shaken by the incident.

This isn’t an isolated incident. My husband always seems to side with others instead of supporting me, leaving me feeling unsupported and alone. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to take my side in situations like these? I’d appreciate any advice or perspective on how to handle this. Thanks.

Classic Mumsnet. Op asks a question and people completely ignore question and jumps on OP for something that everyone outside of Mumsnet does too. To answer your question OP. No your husband isn’t normal. My dh is always on my side and I feel supported. I would ask him why he doesn’t support you.

No one ever asks about reclining because the person behind would invariably say no!

Is this an isolated thing or is he as disinterested in all of your life too? If so has he checked out mentally?

In my view no one should recline the seat unless it’s night time. It makes it very uncomfortable for the person behind.

OP I agree that would piss me off tbh, I'm not sure I would want to be with a man who couldn't back me up, it doesn't bode well for stressful life events, like having kids, or nursing elderly relatives, or becoming sick. I know LTB is a bit extreme but at the moment you are obviously a capable woman, do you want to risk having to rely on him should circumstances change, do you want to have children with a man who is unlikely to stand up for them?

@DidoKaftan I defiantly don't regularly get into altercations but I would probably say I escalate it - because I'm not going to stand for it! Who would stand for someone punching up their seat?!!!'

I'm 40 years old and I'm not going to let someone bully me. It made me feel I was back at school! Although I still asked if it was ok! And asked the flight attendant to sort, whether you call that escalating I don't know but I made it clear to the attendant to tell her to stop punching my chair.

Now yes that is escalating it I guess because I could have just done nothing and stayed upright for ten hours, that would have been the easiest thing to do but why should I?!!!!!

I'm not letting someone walk over me like that

@Maray1967 it WAS night time and long haul!!! It was about 8.30pm I put it back

Looks like this thread had been derailed with the rights and wrongs of putting your seat back. To be honest OP, I don't think there is a set etiquette for this. I usually put mine back partially as a compromise.

But to the bigger point about your DH supporting you, I 100% agree. You don't necessarily need him to intervene but it would be nice if he asked if you were ok rather than 'not my problem'.

Years ago I was in a relationship with a man like this. It all came to a head when we were on a train with some drunk lads who were bantering and trying to get me to talk to them. I wasn't really in the mood and said (politely) that I just wanted to get home and they all started jeering - my then boyfriend (desperate to be seen as 'one of the lads') actually joined in with them! They were calling me a spoilsport etc and he was actually laughing along. Later, he couldn't understand why I was upset with him.

If you're a team, you're a team. You might not always agree with your partner's actions or responses but you still check in with them to see if they're ok and if you need to, you help them defend their boundaries. I'd be upset too.

Well, I agree most people don’t ask ( I would say the norm for, say, a transatlantic flight was for everyone to recline after the meal), but I think people are noting that the OP refers to regular incidents when she ‘feels wronged by someone’ and that she says this ‘was not an isolated incident’, and that she keeps saying he doesn’t ’take my side’. It’s possible that the OP is continually escalating minor irritations into major altercations and expecting matching outrage from her husband, who is tired of it.

I mean, I’ve been with DH happily for 30 years and I am struggling to think of an occasion where I’ve needed him to ‘take my side’ in this way.

@DidoKaftan I kind of agree with you. He's tired of it, but I know that I'm in the right - why should I let others walk over me or treat me unkind.

Isn't there such a thing as sticking up for oneself like in this situation?

He's the kind of guy that isn't bothered about anyone and never ever gets upset but anything. He doesn't let people upset him. I can't work out if it's me with the problem, him or if we are both just extremes

@DidoKaftan it was a transatlantic flight and I didn't realise it was etiquette to recline after the meal - I will do that from now on

Apparently on Airmumsnet it is absolutely “a thing”. On all other airlines, outside of mealtimes, a quick check behind you to make sure there are no drinks or laptops and then you just slowly and gently recline (until you hear the crunch of cartilage against bone 😅).

I have never been asked by the person in front. I have also flown hundreds of times…

You sound exhausting- it sounds like you get into arguments a lot because you believe you are right. I am very laidback and cba with this

Just to add, OP, I don’t agree with PPs who say that you sound like hard work or a drama queen. You may be, but it’s not there in what you’ve written.
I would also feel slighted if my OH didn’t stick up for me when the couple behind started getting rough and verbally aggressive.

Tbh you sound confrontational generally. Maybe he's bored of it. Reclining airline seats is contentious, and an emotionally intelligent person would be more considerate of their rear fellow passenger. Anyway, it'll make you think twice now about reclining without prior consideration, so that's a good thing imo.

I’m with you OP, I had no idea I was supposed to be asking people if it’s OK for me to recline my seat on a long haul flight, and I’ve been on lots of them. I’ve also never, ever been asked by anyone if it’s OK if they recline their seat. As long as the seat is reclined carefully and not during meals I don’t see the issue. I’m also wondering what people do if they do ask and the person says no? What, you just sit with a rigid, straight back for 10+ hours straight? Such a load of nonsense.

@pregahes Yes, he should have your back. If he is not a team player it's probably quite a big adjustment for him to make though.

I am enjoying the ridiculous diversion into how you aren't allowed to recline your seat and how many posters know more about the manners of the couple behind you than you do though. Amazing, really. 😂

Goodness this escalated didn’t it. From her being aggressive and the attendant sorting it to she was going to become violent and apparently punch you.

for me, I don’t wish my husband to get involved in my battles. I’m a grown up. No idea what you expected him to do. Cabin crew sorted it. Sorry you were so scared and thought you were going to get beaten up on board.

Yet your displaying lack of respect to others. Including the right of your DH not to become embroiled in your quite obviously contentious behaviour.

It’s certainly an available reading of ‘this isn’t an isolated incident’ and ‘whenever I feel wronged by someone’. Sure, it’s absolutely possible the OP has been terribly unlucky and has genuinely been blamelessly the victim of other people’s aggression a lot in her life, but it’s also possible she regularly. escalates minor issues.

Surely if you thought you would get beaten up your husband would support you ? Where do you draw the line ?

Your last paragraph is the most telling. He isn’t bothered, he doesn’t get upset, that’s just not his personality. You want him to be something he’s not and never has been (by the sounds of it).

I’m not saying you’re ‘wrong’ by wanting some support (although I’m the type that probably wouldn’t recline my seat or would wait until everybody else did it because I’ve been brought up to be super conscious of not inconveniencing other people) but he just doesn’t see things the way you do. I think only you can know if he is genuinely not supportive of you in real life or whether he is just different and shows his love for you in a different way than you’d like.

OP, of course it’s fine to recline on a long haul flight pre-meal or post-meal, people here are just piling on you like this bullying woman.

Your husband was a dick to laugh along with the other man.

This is a sign to stop supporting him. Next time something hapoens to him just shrug and turn away.

It’s not disrespectful to recline your seat when the airline staff allow you to.

And her husband didn’t need to laugh along with someone being aggressively violent to his wife.

Sorry, only just seeing this. It does sound as if you get more upset by this kind of incident than he does, in which case he doesn’t see the need for ‘support’?

I don’t think there’s any hard and fast ‘rule’ on reclining on transatlantic flights, incidentally, it’s just an observation from general behaviours down the years. People eat, give back their trays, often go to the loo if they are in a middle or window seat so as not to have disturb someone sleeping or deep in a film, and recline.