To expect my husband to support me?

[pregahes]

need some advice on a recurring issue with my husband. Whenever I feel upset or wronged by someone, he always dismisses my feelings or acts like he doesn’t care. It’s getting to the point where I feel like I can’t count on him to have my back.

For instance, during a recent long-haul flight, I put my seat back, and the person behind me kept pushing it forward. When I politely asked if I could recline my seat, she replied aggressively, supported by her husband. I called the flight attendant for assistance, and they resolved the situation.

However, my husband, who had his headphones on and missed the whole exchange, didn’t seem to care when I told him what happened. He simply shrugged it off and went back to his seat and said it isn't his problem, even though I was visibly upset and shaken by the incident.

This isn’t an isolated incident. My husband always seems to side with others instead of supporting me, leaving me feeling unsupported and alone. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to take my side in situations like these? I’d appreciate any advice or perspective on how to handle this. Thanks.

By the sounds of it you can sort your own arguments out.

I’ve had countless people recline their seats on flights - never asking me which I think is rude (but I would have said ok if asked) …
However, you should expect back up from your husband !

Unfortunately not... she ended up visibly upset, shaken and afraid to return to her seat

YABU people who recline their seat on a flight are the worst.

I'm really sorry you had to go through this. It sounds horrible. I have been on a fair few flights and have never experienced anyone asking to recline their seat!! Never see anyone doing this ever.
this woman does seem awful. You husband didn't need to start a row with them or anything but surely asking if you are ok is bare minimum? Could offered to swap seats to make sure you felt comfortable. I mean I would do this for a friend let alone a partner. Poor show on your husband part and I would also be upset and disappointed by this.

Yes I agree. I would always ask before reclining a seat.
Maybe hubby didn't want to get involved and may have been embarrassed by the incident.

I do the same to my husband and he knows the reason why. He complains about the silliest things and can be very self entitled at times, he knows I won't support him with that and will either refuse to help him or will voice my opinion. Pushing your seat back without checking on an aeroplane is entitled. I wouldn't dream of it and I suffer from DVT. I'd always ask first and if they said no I'd respect that. If you want luxury upgrade. Sounds more to me like your hubby is keeping out of your drama.

Exactly - if you want luxury upgrade!!!! If you don't want the person in front of you to recline in a seat MADE to recline, pay for first class!!!

This is the exact reason a lot of airlines are stopping replying seats or limiting how far they recline. They are sick of people taking no consideration when reclining and causing arguments. I agree there's no need to be aggressive but I'd not be amused if someone reclined a seat straight back into my legs. I mean I've never known a single.person recline a seat into me without first asking and I would always ask myself. It's just etiquette.

www.thesun.co.uk/travel/25219595/reclining-plane-seats-airline-scrap/

If you believe that I've got a bridge for sale. Airlines want to remove reclining seats because they can fit more rows in.

Staff are well trained about what to do if someone kicks off, and thats to firmly tell them the person in front is absolutely allowed to recline their seat.

I totally hear you OP! My ex always did this to me. It was intolerable. He did it to our DCs too! It didn’t matter if I was right it appeared he always took the other party’s side. I could never fathom the lack of loyalty, support or unity …

I completely understand how you feel. My partner makes fun of me if I hurt myself and it’s made me feel worried about the future if I’m very ill☹️. However I think it’s because he’s never ill himself and comes from a family who only talked about general day to day things and nothing including emotions. In 20 years he has never said he loves me but if I ask he’ll say ‘of course I do’. He’s kind in other ways and shows he cares so I wonder if you and I simply have men who are not very empathetic but don’t intend to be cruel?

I feel the same about my husband. I never feel like he has my back. He js a good man and a good husband but will take another person's side more than mine.

If i tell him something that's playing on my mind like work problems his answer is 'just leave' or 'why can't you just avoid this stuff'.

I often wonder if he is on the spectrum and has issues with seeing things from my view.

This rang alarm bells for me
if it’s a one off let it go , but if he regularly behaves this way huge red flag 🚩
my ex ( covert Narcissist)
be behaved in this way for 20 years, any time I needed him to step up and support me he just
took a step back and I felt he almost enjoyed it, now I realise he was actively involved in many problems and his response was oh I thought it was nothing or stepped away

its not normal I now realise for your partner now to be supportive
check in with yourself is he a repeat offender

You say you didn’t realise its etiquette to wait to recline until after the meal is served ? Have you ever tried to eat a meal with the person in front reclined ? Did your husband and person in front of you have their seats reclined ? You sound quite hard work and entitled and he’s probably had enough of similar situations.

Without sounding rude - I think that your main point was that he doesn’t have your back?
Stop having his if he doesn’t have yours and see what happens - he might just be oblivious to the fact you hoped for his support

Listen to Bob Dylan’s song “It ain’t me babe”. The lyrics basically say not to expect support when in the wrong.

I’d forgotten how great that song is. Thank you.

And as we all know, the height of politeness is being passive aggressive toward strangers on the internet as a way to put people down, rather than using your words to say what you really mean.

It sounds like I can be when I’m totally checked out of a situation and don’t care

Mine is like this too. He hates confrontation but I’ve explained as my husband he should be there to support me as I support him. Not sure it changes anything, he gets it just doesn’t do confrontation. He is on the spectrum though and great in many other ways. I’ve said I don’t mind if he doesn’t want to confront anyone, just make you are supporting me if I need it.

I can't see the point of a partner if they don't have your back and support you

This is my exact sentiment, what’s the point?

OP I guess this is just one example of a pattern of behaviour he is displaying. As pp said unfortunately you’re best to stop backing him up so you can save your strength for your battles that you need to fight yourself.

Irrespective of seat or plane etiquette if a couple was getting aggressive with you he should’ve at least showed concern for you even if he didn’t want to confront them.

I was once dating a guy like that and it didn’t last.

He sounds like a people pleaser who would rather be amicable with those around him than support you.

If the case is that he finds you unnecessarily combative and dramatic etc he needs to voice that and then you need to have a discussion.

My husband once gave a taxi driver a round of applause for giving me a very stern telling off when I pulled into a station taxi rank to drop our daughter off..
😅

Exactly. It’s common courtesy to ask if you can enter their space is it not?

I haven't flown in years. I didn't even realise it was the thing to ask. I know I'd never want to recline too much in case someone started booting my seat. But the issue here is they were aggressive, booting your seat and the gobful. Yes I'd expect some support there, absolutely. Even if husband felt you were in the wrong id still expect some involvement, speaking up or words to the effect of ' hang on, that's unnecessary ' to the other couple.

When I read the replies on these threads it is apparent there are some absolute witches on MN with nothing better than to aim their own misery at posters.

Husband needs a word basically!