To expect my husband to support me?

[pregahes]

need some advice on a recurring issue with my husband. Whenever I feel upset or wronged by someone, he always dismisses my feelings or acts like he doesn’t care. It’s getting to the point where I feel like I can’t count on him to have my back.

For instance, during a recent long-haul flight, I put my seat back, and the person behind me kept pushing it forward. When I politely asked if I could recline my seat, she replied aggressively, supported by her husband. I called the flight attendant for assistance, and they resolved the situation.

However, my husband, who had his headphones on and missed the whole exchange, didn’t seem to care when I told him what happened. He simply shrugged it off and went back to his seat and said it isn't his problem, even though I was visibly upset and shaken by the incident.

This isn’t an isolated incident. My husband always seems to side with others instead of supporting me, leaving me feeling unsupported and alone. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to take my side in situations like these? I’d appreciate any advice or perspective on how to handle this. Thanks.

@pregahes just be aware that mumsnet attracts people who want to argue with you. So some people may take a contrary position to you, because that is what they do.

Your husband should support you in being spoken to politely, even if you were in the wrong which I do not think you were in the plane seat situation.

I partly agree with HebburnPokemon "He’s scared of confrontation" but then you said he said "...when we got off the flight I told him I expected more and he said he had three glasses of wine and wasn't interested"

Which suggests he doesn't care much for you.

I thought I would give a few more examples.

The last time I had an altercation with a stranger was a long time ago, I can't even remember when - so no, I'm not always getting into altercations.

I can give a few examples in a work setting, I recently had a very rude email from a colleague (this colleague is notoriously rude and gets complaints from everyone), but this colleague was insisting on getting something and using intimidation tactics over email - I firmly told them I'm not giving in and why I'm not giving in, then when they proceeded to try and get what they want, ignored their email (I was out of the office).

Now behind closed doors I had been fuming to my husband yes about how rude this person is and how I may well have a meeting with them about it on my return.

This got DH back up yet again as an example. He didn't see why I was getting angry about how they spoke with me.

Another example, I was annoyed that someone said they were going to wait to buy a concert ticket with me and a group of us (I told them to go ahead) but they insisted they would wait, and then booked it without letting me know until after. It really annoyed me.

DH agreed it was shitty but didn't understand why it upset me so much. To be clear, I wasn't upset they booked the ticket but I was upset they said they wouldn't and then didn't stick to their word.

I actually think on reflection I need to work on my reaction to situations. People are going to behave in ways I don't expect them too/ I need to work on not letting it get to me as it only harms myself. Even if they're in the wrong, my reaction I can control their shitty behaviour I can't.

If anyone has any suggestions, they're welcome 😊

Also re: my DH - someone said earlier unthread, has he checked out mentally...it kinda feels like that sometimes if I'm honest.

DidoKaftan "It does sound as if you get more upset by this kind of incident than he does, in which case he doesn’t see the need for ‘support’?"

The chair incident affected the OP, maybe if the husband's chair had been punched he would have been bothered.

If someone was being aggressive to my husband on a flight next to me, I would not ignore it.

If you have a row with someone they are a dickhead. If you are having rows with everyone then you need to look for other common denominator.

Your follow up examples don't suggest he was undermining you, rather he sounds tired of putting up with your unproductive anger in the home when someone outside the home upsets you.

How exactly did your anger help you in either of those situations?

Also to add, the two latter examples of never expect my DH to step up in those situations and confront the person but behind close doors at least, I just want him to show sympathy/empathy and understand why I'm annoyed and offer some support.

By support I mean not always act like it's me with the problem and like I'm weird for letting such a situation get to me, when I think it's human nature to feel these ways. I'm not a robot and nor do I tolerate bullies such as the work colleague and woman on the flight.

On a serious note, the woman ok the flight genuinely made me feel like a child being bullied on a playground. I was half tempted to actually let her get her way and keep the chair up to stop things escalating - the thought crossed my mind and then I said no because she will carry on bullying others and needs to know it isn't ok.

Personally I think anyone who reclines the seat is a total twat

he probably didn’t agree with you reclining seat but rather than back the people up behind you he kept his mouth shut because you were wrong ( yes your allowed but it’s incredibly selfish on the person behind you )

I’m with you, Op. I’m married, though not for much longer, to a man like this. He never backed me up and always took the opposing side.

Once, at a concert, I was groped and kissed by a drunken man next to me, in full view of everyone around us.
STBX grinned and nodded along with him as though they were best mates. Another woman actually said to him “That’s your wife he’s just assaulted! Aren’t you going to do anything?!!”
”What’s the point?” he said.

So that’s my advice. Get rid of the useless, wet coward and find someone who values you.

@mrsdineen2 I think you've hit the nail on the head.

But I'm human and cannot help getting angry when someone acts in a way that I think is wrong/disrespectful/uncalled for

I've flown hundreds of times and have never once been asked by the person in front of me if they can put their seat back. Absolute nonsense.

I'd also want DH's support either at the time or in terms of being understanding afterwards.

OP my husband sounds like yours in this respect. He acts exasperated if I mention any conflict such as what you've described, like he can't be bothered with me/it. I'm fed up of it tbh

Have you other examples of him doing this, maybe the flight isn’t a typical situation and it might be distracting from what you are actually asking.

Wow, there are some people with such low expectations of their partners here. Of course he should have supported you OP including just by comforting you after an upsetting incident. That’s what marriage is - you’re a team always especially in public - if he thought you could have done something differently then he can tell you after the event in private.

Maybe he's human and cannot help but be upset when you're bringing unproductive anger into the marriage because of someone else, and even when he agrees with you, you still call him a bad husband because he won't get just as angry as you do about it.

You are coming across as someone who over reacts and allows yourself to stew yourself into a state for extended periods after the event over the minor annoyances which absolutely everyone in life has to put up with.
There will always be badly behaved dickheads. As you’ve said here, you need to control how much headspace you allow them.
Calmly and politely sticking quietly to your guns annoys the absolute shit out of these sort of people in my experience and is far more satisfying. Ranting either in person or behind closed doors only hurts you
It sounds like your OH is tired of your over reaction

I’ll support my partner 100% if they are right. If they are wrong I am not going to compound the issue by supporting them and encouraging them down the wrong path.

Friends husbands reaction when she told him she had been sexually harassed and groped at work - nothing to do with me why should I have to be involved !

"I actually think on reflection I need to work on my reaction to situations. People are going to behave in ways I don't expect them too/ I need to work on not letting it get to me as it only harms myself. Even if they're in the wrong, my reaction I can control their shitty behaviour I can't.

If anyone has any suggestions, they're welcome 😊"

@pregahes it does seem you react strongly and share your thoughts with your DH. I am not sure reacting strongly is always a good thing for oneself, it does leave one open and vulnerable. better to earn lessons, e.g. not to make plans involving tickets with that particular friend.

I think you can work on your own responses, to make life easier for you.

In terms of your dh, I guess I wonder what the rest of the relationship is like. Have you been together long, been married long, have kids etc.? Are you a united team who want the same things etc?

would you consider some counselling together?

I wish you good luck in the future, you sound like a thoughtful person who doesn't want to be pushed around, which is good.

My husband often didn’t support me, it caused deep seated issues among many other things wrong with our marriage.

I finally realised that my ex couldn’t bear for anyone to see him in a bad light.

We once lost our luggage after a long flight. We had to trek to the other end of a large airport to find the rep - when we got there, they said “just go to your hotel Im sure your luggage will turn up soon and we’ll deliver it to your hotel.”

I wanted a bit more reassurance of how long we might have to wait and what we did if it didn’t turn up by the next morning. My ex was on a business trip and needed to wear something semi formal the next day for work, and we had no overnight stuff either in our hand luggage.

After a bit, the reps offered us vouchers that would allow us to buy essentials until the luggage arrived. It was a reasonable amount and we went off and got chinos and a smart shirt for my husband.

Needless to say while all this was going on he stood about 15 feet away from us and said it was embarrassing when I was sitting on a low rail to talk to them. (There was no where else to sit).

He just couldn’t bear to be seen as less than perfect. He was perfectly able to take people to task when it mattered to him - but would rather eat a slightly crap meal than complain.

Another time we had decorators in who did a really bad job. He just wanted to pay them off as we would never have to use them again. I did talk to them and got a reduction. I thought I had done quite well, and when I went to tell him, he just said something along the lines of ‘I don’t want to know, I find it all a bit embarrassing’.

This was someone who expected me to thank him everytime he emptied the dishwasher “for me”, but would make me feel I had done something wrong when I had actually saved us a reasonable amount of money. I was generally in charge of admin - usually booked flights, sorted travel insurance, hotels etc, etc.

Its saps at you if you start to realise they don’t have your back, and won’t support you. But they fully expect emotional support and physical help when it’s their problem.

Jesus H Christ. It's entirely normal to recline your seat on overnight flights. No one has ever asked me, nor would I expect them to.

I understand exactly how you feel, OP. My DH is the same. He cares far more about what some random stranger thinks than he does about the impact on me. I've thought about it a lot, and it's part of a pattern of lack of empathy and concern. Like you, I find it deeply hurtful - I'm very loyal, and would 100% have his back if someone picked a fight with him. He knows that, but I have to live with the fact that he would never do the same for me. It's one of the reasons I'm considering leaving him.

IMO it's bad form to recline your seat until the lights go off on a night flight. I wouldn't expect someone to recline on a day flight.

If you genuinely thought the woman was going to get violent, I'm surprised you continued to recline your seat. If you are the type of person to become afraid during confrontation and rely on others to solve it (your husband and ultimately the air hostess), it's probably not a good idea to go around confronting people. Sometimes it's just not worth it, so choose your battles wisely.

All that said, I'm on my partners side 100%. Even if I think he's been a dick, I'd totally support him in the moment against others. I'd expect the same from him.

You could be married to my husband, @Imgoingtobefree. Exactly that, can't be seen in a bad light by anyone, though he certainly doesn't care much about my opinion. Are you still with your DH? The thing is, each incident seems trivial. It's very easy for them to dismiss it. But over time it really adds up and you realise you feel totally unloved and supported, and that they completely don't care what you think or feel.

As an aside, I would never recline a plane seat unless it was night time and every one was doing it. It’s so horrible getting your space restricted because the person in front has suddenly jutted right back into your knees.
I know you’re within your rights to, I just wouldn’t anyway as I wouldn’t like it done to me.
That said, I wouldn’t do what the aggressive passengers did either. I’d be annoyed but know there was nothing I could do about it.

@Italiangreyhound yes we have been together a long time, over 15 years. No children.

Another example, for those who want one - on the holiday we were on ( I rarely make complaints to companies before anyone piles on) but our holiday operator one the outbound flight kept doing things below standard such as delayed flight but then not speeding up the journey to be on time, bought food out late despite flight being late (so lunch was effectively after 3pm) and then dinner was close to 10pm, in flight entertainment was broken...there were more things that you just don't expect on a 10 hour flight so I started parting a list on my phone notes so I don't forget and can draft a complaint letter when I get home. The holiday was expensive.

His reaction is that I'm 'nuts' ?!!!