To expect my husband to support me?

[pregahes]

need some advice on a recurring issue with my husband. Whenever I feel upset or wronged by someone, he always dismisses my feelings or acts like he doesn’t care. It’s getting to the point where I feel like I can’t count on him to have my back.

For instance, during a recent long-haul flight, I put my seat back, and the person behind me kept pushing it forward. When I politely asked if I could recline my seat, she replied aggressively, supported by her husband. I called the flight attendant for assistance, and they resolved the situation.

However, my husband, who had his headphones on and missed the whole exchange, didn’t seem to care when I told him what happened. He simply shrugged it off and went back to his seat and said it isn't his problem, even though I was visibly upset and shaken by the incident.

This isn’t an isolated incident. My husband always seems to side with others instead of supporting me, leaving me feeling unsupported and alone. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to take my side in situations like these? I’d appreciate any advice or perspective on how to handle this. Thanks.

YANBU to want your husband to support you.
My nephew at 6, wouldn’t have anyone talking to his brother or my daughter aggressively, and he’s the youngest of the lot.

No one has ever asked me if they can recline their seat.
The point is her husband doesn't support her when she's upset - I believe this incident is just an example.
Yes OP, to shrug one's shoulders and dismiss your feelings is a kind of gaslighting. It's like you are not allowed to have these feelings. A sympathetic hand squeeze or a 'please don't talk to my wife like that' would go a long way.

Out of interest, how did the flight attendant sort it?

He’s scared of confrontation

@Trickabrick I think he thinks I'm a bit out there and 'common' because if someone starts something I'm not backing down.

I'm not going to be bullied on a ten hour flight to not put my seat back and because I involved the flight attendant maybe he thought I caused a scene but I didn't start anything. Why shouldn't I stick up for myself he isn't going to clearly!

I honestly felt bullied by this woman and threatened and thought - no way is someone making me feel like this at age 40!

I can understand why he didn't want to escalate the situation as the other couple were violent as in punching your seat . All they had to do was call the flight attendant. But he should not have laughed along with them but ignored them and supported you after the flight in making a complaint especially if he could see what happened really upset you .

@Dweetfidilove this is the thing. If I were with any one of my family they would have been totally on side, my siblings or mum we all have each others back. I don't get this from him

@mondaytosunday yes exactly that, when we got off the flight I told him I expected more and he said he had three glasses of wine and wasn't interested

I was visibly upset and shaken by the incident.

If being argued with about putting your seat back leaves you shaken, maybe he thinks you’re a bit of a drama llama.

If he thinks you’re “not backing down”, maybe he thinks you cause unnecessary altercations when a bit of communication and courtesy would have avoided it.

You’re certainly getting arsey with people who disagree with you on this thread.

@Axx she told the woman behind me that the seats are made with the function to go back so unless it's meal time I'm allowed to put my seat back.

I told the flight attendant can she tell her this or move one of the two of us somewhere else because I'm not sitting on a ten hour flight upright

Based on this post, maybe he thinks you are more than capable of dealing with the situation yourself.
I would be horrified if my DH interfered with my business and inserted themselves into a dispute. I respect my DH’s opinion and sometimes he will support me but equally he will also tell me if I am being over reactive or silly.

As someone with long legs I’ve had a few bruises from people reclining their seats in front of me so yes a quick request means I can move them. But ten hours being unable to stretch my legs out would be just as bad as 10 hours sitting upright. Even if

@LenaLamont after rude punched the seat twice I then asked is she ok for me to put it back politely and then she got aggressive.

Maybe I am in the wrong then but I don't see that I'm causing drama - I'm just not going to let someone bully me on a flight and make me keep my seat upright for ten hours!

@Angrymum22 fair enough. It was a ten hour flight overnight though!

Right . In future don't back him up if he is in a dispute or is upset . Just shrug your shoulders and turn away .

@ZippedOpenMouth yes you're right but I find it hard because I actually care!

OP mine is like this and it's really hurtful. He either ignores things or just watches like I'm nothing to do with him. If he is in tricky situations I support him and help but he doesn't do the same back.

I can't see the point of a partner if they don't have your back and support you.

Really changing your story now aren’t you OP.

Maybe go and read your own first post again, because in that he had headphones on, didn’t get involved and shrugged when you told him about it.

Since then your posts have said that he not only befriended them but he joined in laughing at you. I suspect the first story is the more accurate depiction.

I think you are entitled to recline your seat, you don’t need to ask permission, but it is nice to turn around and say I am just about to recline in case they have a drink or something on their tray.

This was a mild interaction and I very much doubt they were being aggressive with you, maybe being firm or unfriendly at worst. I would not expect my husband to get involved in such a minor incident and you are being truly ridiculous to be doing the mumsnet “shaking” over such a non event.

I’m surprised at some of these replies. I wouldn’t expect my husband to jump in and defend my honour, so to speak, but I’d expect him to be aware of his surroundings enough to realise my seat was being punched and I was getting into a confrontation, and I would expect some support. I like knowing he always has my back, and I have his. Having said that, your story is changing more and more each time you post so it’s hard to know for sure who was being unreasonable!

ETA who is being unreasonable between you and your husband. The other couple were, without a doubt, unreasonable.

That's no way to live in a relationship though is it, if each party is shrugging their shoulders and not giving a shit about the other what's the point in being together?

@Picklestop to clarify I never said he was laughing at me with them that would be ridiculous!!

Later on in the flight he was laughing with the guy over something unrelated but this was after I told him what happened. It annoyed me because I would never be laughing with a couple that did that to him, about anything.

If you don't call punching someone's seat up twice and then raising your voice to them aggressive then I don't know what is

@Attryn

But her husband doesn't support her ? She needs to show him how it feels . As she has said she's been there for him in tough times .

No, only on mumsnet.

I have no idea what posters mean about my story changing,

Nothing has changed - please point out what in my posts is contradictory and maybe I can provide clarity.

Next time don't bother . He needs to know how it feels not to be supported.

This. It’s hard to determine from what you say, OP, whether your husband is zoned out and unsympathetic, or whether you regularly get into altercations with others, and he simply thinks your behaviour invites it, or escalates it.