Should I tell this mum the truth or a kind lie?

[Exegete]

DD7 goes to school with a little boy with a disability (he has difficulties walking and doesn’t talk). They’ve been in the same class since reception and DD has always been occasionally complaining about him hitting her. Never anything serious, but she would often mention (usually without looking distressed) that he had grabbed her glasses off her face, pushed her in the line or slapped her. They were good friends and would often play together but he would sometimes suddenly get angry without any warnings. He does also hit other children, but DD is definitely one of his favourite. I saw him recently on a school outing, one minute he’s all smiles and giggles, the next minute out of the blue he grabs a child and pushes him to the floor. I explained to DD that he doesn’t mean to hurt her and that he gets overwhelmed when frustrated and she can tell him to stop or walk away when he’s aggressive. I thought it would get better as he grew up. Well the boy is now turning 8, he’s bigger and stronger and it got worse.

Today the boy’s mum tells me she’s organising a little birthday party for him (a play date and cake with a few friends at their home). She asked if DD was free, I (stupidly) said she was, thanked her for the invitation and I would get back to her. So I didn’t really say yes she’ll come, but I also said we had nothing planned that day.
I thought DD would be happy to go (she did go to his birthday last year and had a good time). Well she firmly refuses to go. She said he shoved her in the railings while lining in the playground today again, he does that all the time now, she just doesn’t bother telling me or the teacher because there’s nothing we can do.
So now what do I tell the boy’s mum? I don’t know her well at all, I feel for her, I’m sad my DD and her son are not friends anymore, but I also won’t force DD to go if she’s scared of him. So my idea is that I need to put on my big girl’s pants and tell the mum the truth. As gently as possible. That I’m sorry but DD doesn’t want to go because her son hits her when he’s upset and she’s a bit scared (how do I word it?!).
Then my husband tells me being honest is cruel and selfish, that a little lie (“sorry we have other plans”) would spare their feelings. But I’m shit at lying, and also I already said we were free that day so she’ll know and I’ll hurt her feelings even more…
Yanbu: tell the truth (how?)
Yabu: tell a white lie

Tell a white lie to the mum, but tell the truth to the school. The little boy obviously cannot help it, but he needs to be more closely supervised if he is to be in a mainstream school.

I know this has (hopefully) been resolved but I wanted to add my thoughts. In terms of your daughter’s wellbeing, it doesn’t actually matter that the other child has additional needs. She’s being hurt, period. That’s not okay and I feel for her. Yes okay there’s the argument that the other child should be getting extra support but also he shouldn’t be hitting. Additional needs is not an excuse. He needs to know not to do that. And if he genuinely cannot understand or learn that he shouldn’t hit or lash out then he will sadly not have many friends and that’s the hard truth of it.

I'm shocked at how accepting you, the school and the boy's parents are about his violent behaviour. Are you all waiting for him to actually seriously injure another child before you take action? What if your daughter had been impaled on those railing or lost an eye?
I'm not unsympathetic to the boy but it's also not doing him any favours to let him continually get away with it. It will only get worse and he may end up in big trouble because you're all sending the message that it's ok for him to hurt others.

I don't understand why so many people are happy to lie.

I would say:

Hi X, I've just checked with DD re the party and unfortunately it seems the issues between her and Y are continuing at school so she doesn't feel he's her friend right now and she doesn't want to come.
I'll have another chat with the school about how they can support the kids with resolving this, but as it isn't sorted at the moment we will have to decline the invitation.
I hope Y has a great party.
Yourname xx

Honest and kind is always best.

You need to tell her the truth for the sake of your daughter. What you're modelling here is to minimise abuse and not speak up or stick up for yourself. This really isn't a lesson you want your child taking with her in life. You need to ensure the school is protecting your child from abuse also. There's no point in her telling you if you're not going to do anything about it. It's your job to make sure your child is safe and happy, if she learns to not bother telling you about this kind of thing now, this will continue as she grows up. You need to advocate for your child. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but you can't let that continue!

I'd say 'we have a family party that day. Hope X has a wonderful birthday'. In my opinion, it's the school that has to address this child's behaviour- not you.

I think it’s fine to make an excuse to the mum re the party, but since he is hurting her at school it’s up to them to deal with it. You need to tell them every time he hurts her and push them to manage the situation so it doesn’t escalate

For goodness sake just talk to her. Your child shouldn’t be putting up with this and I agree she shouldn’t be made to go. However we all know organising a party is stressful and it’s hurtful when people drop out at the last minute with
“other plans” it’s so obviously a lie or implies a better offer came along.
give the women a bit of notice and explain you are disappointed that their relationship has declined but your daughter doesn’t want to put up with his behaviour anymore. Hopefully she will tackle her son and he will realise there is a consequence to his behaviour! You are not in the wrong here just communicate! Good luck

Your daughter is being physically harmed. I would be raising hell, if not at least telling everyone and breaking off the friendship. She's already given up on you helping her, surely you don't want to be that kind of parent. You're setting her up for tolerating bad situations in future.

This exactly. The mum is doing her best to have a small party for the Little boy, your DD probably won't be the only child feeling like they don't want to go. If Nobody comes that would be awful for the boy but you need to go to the mum first and be honest. Even work with her and the school to reach some kind of resolution (if possible). Tough but you really do need to be honest here,and go to school too, show your DD that you will always do what's right by her too. Clearly she feels like she is not being heard properly aswell. Best of luck OP

So after sleeping on it and reading all your (mostly) interesting and helpful point of views I went with my gut feeling and told the truth (gently but frankly). The mum said she understands... Now I feel like crap. I think this boy has no malice in him (he’s not a bully) but the gap with the other children widens and it’s very sad.
I also had a conversation with DD so she doesn’t feel alone or helpless. I’ll keep an eye on it and talk to school if another incident occurs. Thank you, I’ll leave the thread now

She said he shoved her in the railings while lining in the playground today again, he does that all the time now, she just doesn’t bother telling me or the teacher because there’s nothing we can do.

Sorry, not every day, just ‘all the time’ which is much better…

You shouldn’t be feeling like crap. You told her factually, I’m sure. You were honest but not unkind. There are lots of children like this boy in school. They’re not helped by pussyfooting around the issue. What happens is that gradually they lose the few friends they had and no-one is willing to tolerate their behaviour. For the sake of this boy as well as your DD, this needs sorting.

I’d white lie it - say DH has booked something as she’s not available after all. Then I would speak to her teacher/the school as they are clearly not managing his behaviour. I wouldn’t speak to Mum directly - it happens at school, the issue is school based - let them deal with it, but make very clear that it is upsetting your child and is a daily, continual issue. Their SEN/his TA should take steps to manage it.

You need to speak to the school. Having a conversation with your DD about not being alone and helpless is a lie unless you follow this up with the people who can actually influence this situation.

Just seen your update, OP. Would still speak to the school. Behaviour is part of their remit.

I have been in your situation but I also have had a child with SEN who has hurt others. You have done the right thing telling her the truth. She should understand a child who has been hurt regularly won't want to spend more time with said child- it's a natural consequence.

FWIW when my child was being hurt on a regular basis by another child I did not kick up enough fuss. I knew the autistic child couldn't help it but I should have done more sooner to advocate for my child. No child should have to put up with being assaulted regularly and to add to that see adults allowing it to reoccur or minimising it. It caused my child a lot of trauma. I really regret not doing more.

I wouldn't lie I would say dd doesn't want to go as they don't seem to be getting on now & if she asks any more tell her but as you said you have spoken to her DH she will know.

Also agree about really pushing the school to deal with this

🙄um you don't need to invite friends around so you're not lying. Who's going to check? Unless you live in the same street as these people or people who are going the party.

I fought for full time 1:1 support in my sons' statements. (Now called ehcp). When my younger son became more challenging his plan was amended to full time 2:1 with provision for a third back up.

That's how you do it. You get the funding in place for adequate support

You need to tell her. It would be far crueller for her to arrange a party for her child and no one turn up as they all find excuses not to go.

You should not have agreed to the party without asking your daughter anyway.

Now you have to do the difficult thing of ringing/texting and saying 'I'm sorry, I have asked my daughter and she does not want to come because your son has been hurting her recently.'

They are not toddlers. Her child is of an age where his peers will shun him if he continues to hurt them.

His parents must deal with this, along with help from the school where available.

It is not cruel, it is necessary that they manage his behaviour, whatever his additional needs.

As adults we would not accept being punched in the face because of someone's special needs without that being dealt with. I don't understand why we allow our children to be hurt.

I would be honest and gently explain what is going on and why. Otherwise she may just go with the false assumption that people are avoiding her son for his developmental differences rather than his aggressive behavior. I wouldn't do it on the day of the party when she's trying to have a nice day for her son. I would do it before the party so there's less hurt feelings about why dd(and possibly other children that have had the same experience) don't show up. I wouldn't want someone to lie to me, and it seems there's no need since they are already aware of ds behavior

The truth. I can't imagine why you would not. For a start off it isn't going to be any less awkward. The truth honestly works nearly every time because it is authentic.

Yep.

Your poor DD. She's been repeatedly hit by this child, and now doesn't even bother telling you or teachers because she thinks that's just how it is.

Fuck that. This needs dealt with, sensitively sure, but it needs dealt with. Your DD should feel safe and know that adults will look after her. That's your priority, OP.