Should I tell this mum the truth or a kind lie?

[Exegete]

DD7 goes to school with a little boy with a disability (he has difficulties walking and doesn’t talk). They’ve been in the same class since reception and DD has always been occasionally complaining about him hitting her. Never anything serious, but she would often mention (usually without looking distressed) that he had grabbed her glasses off her face, pushed her in the line or slapped her. They were good friends and would often play together but he would sometimes suddenly get angry without any warnings. He does also hit other children, but DD is definitely one of his favourite. I saw him recently on a school outing, one minute he’s all smiles and giggles, the next minute out of the blue he grabs a child and pushes him to the floor. I explained to DD that he doesn’t mean to hurt her and that he gets overwhelmed when frustrated and she can tell him to stop or walk away when he’s aggressive. I thought it would get better as he grew up. Well the boy is now turning 8, he’s bigger and stronger and it got worse.

Today the boy’s mum tells me she’s organising a little birthday party for him (a play date and cake with a few friends at their home). She asked if DD was free, I (stupidly) said she was, thanked her for the invitation and I would get back to her. So I didn’t really say yes she’ll come, but I also said we had nothing planned that day.
I thought DD would be happy to go (she did go to his birthday last year and had a good time). Well she firmly refuses to go. She said he shoved her in the railings while lining in the playground today again, he does that all the time now, she just doesn’t bother telling me or the teacher because there’s nothing we can do.
So now what do I tell the boy’s mum? I don’t know her well at all, I feel for her, I’m sad my DD and her son are not friends anymore, but I also won’t force DD to go if she’s scared of him. So my idea is that I need to put on my big girl’s pants and tell the mum the truth. As gently as possible. That I’m sorry but DD doesn’t want to go because her son hits her when he’s upset and she’s a bit scared (how do I word it?!).
Then my husband tells me being honest is cruel and selfish, that a little lie (“sorry we have other plans”) would spare their feelings. But I’m shit at lying, and also I already said we were free that day so she’ll know and I’ll hurt her feelings even more…
Yanbu: tell the truth (how?)
Yabu: tell a white lie

@Exegete you need to speak to the schoolbefore the next incident.
There's no point in waiting for something serious to happen.
Something has to be done.

Seriously talk to the school and escalate if you're not being heard.

My son doesn't have the same disabilities but likely neurodiverse and is having assessmentsand can behave implusively or disproportionately. I would rather hear the truth than an excuse for sure. This won't be new news.

You really need to talk to the school about this. Quite often parents are only aware of what the teachers are willing to tell them. It sounds as though this child needs 1:1 support for his behaviour, schools are often not the most willing to apply for the help as it's costly to the school, hence they muddle through. However that's defiantly not fair on other children in the class. I would start a paper trail, send an email everytime an incident happens. Schools will have much more difficulty ignoring a problem once its in writing.

This. They need to do something about this to try and help him learn that he can’t assault someone whenever the mood strikes, he needs to learn this behaviour is unacceptable. Why should everyone just put up with it and accept it

She said he shoved her in the railings while lining in the playground today again, he does that all the time now, she just doesn’t bother telling me or the teacher because there’s nothing we can do

How awful thst your dd feels like this! Of course she should tell the teacher and I think you should talk to the teacher too. And escalate if necessary.

SN is no excuse for him hurting other children. The school should absolutely be doing something about this.

I'd tell the truth.

This child obviously needs more help than he is getting. My friends son has gone onto to ADHD medication and it has made a big change. I am not saying this is ADHD or needs medication, but it might be that. Whatever it is that is causing the aggression the mum needs to know the facts to get him the help he needs.

You could make excuses about the party, lie etc. But do tell the truth about what your child's friend is doing. Maybe their friendship will be salvagable but only if he gets the help he needs.

If the family are only trying telling offs and think they should give up because it doesn't work then they need help too. And yes, your child has the RIGHT to feel safe.

Your job as a parent isn’t to protect the feelings of other parents and their children. Your job is to protect your child. Advocate for your DD ASAP and stop wasting your energy fretting about other people’s feelings. The fact you’ve let your daughter be repeatedly assaulted at school without escalating to the safeguarding lead and headteacher is pretty shocking.

Stick up for your daughter and set an example, for goodness sake. Your daughters safety and well being is not less important than this boys impulses. I’m always astonished that some people are
mote concerned with offending someone than doing the right thing. Do you want your daughter to grow up and be a door mat? Call his mum and be honest. How violent does he have to be before it’s unacceptable?

I suppose this is what children have to deal with now everyone on all sorts of spectrums gets put in mainstream schools... and fuck every other child's feelings etc. - we are being so inclusive! Yay!

No, follow Gary lurches advice…lying or inventing excuse could bite you on bum as your daughter could blurt out to boy the real reason he angry at him or upset when he hurts her yet again.

you are also gaslighting your daughter- she doesn’t want to go with good reasons. Don’t deny that. Don’t make excuses to avoid calling t out on her behalf. And pass that info back to the mum so she can explain to her son.

state it simply and clearly- sorry mum, I going to have to decline as daughter simply doesn’t want to go. I didn’t realise how she was feeling. She is saying she is struggling with be friends with son right now as he is frequently targeting hurtling her and she is getting a bit scared. It’s sad they are having difficulties with their friendship, but I have to listen to her, and I won’t force her to go. Hope it can all be resolved soon and they can go back to being mates.

hopefully parents can absorb this and ask school for help

if the boy continues to hurt your daughter, you must escalte EVERY incident with them. As people say you’d not accept this in a workplace, why should your daughter.

"I suppose this is what children have to deal with now everyone on all sorts of spectrums gets put in mainstream schools... and fuck every other child's feelings etc. - we are being so inclusive! Yay!"

There's always one who can't manage to make a sensible comment.

What kind of bizarre world am I living in when we think it’s okay to send our children to school to get physically attacked? Parents, do your duty to protect your children! 🤦‍♀️

Yeah, truth hurts.

Make an excuse to the mum and talk to the teacher about the aggressive behaviours. I’ve been on both sides of this and it would be cruel to tell the mum why you aren’t going. She is almost certainly going through hell and doesn’t need to be made to feel worse about behaviours that are effectively beyond her control. However, you should speak to the teacher asap and escalate to the Head and governing body if necessary. Your child has a right to feel safe at school and no one should be allowed to hurt her, regardless of SEN or any other issues.

Exactly this.

Three out of four of my primary school aged children have been assaulted by different pupils with SEN. My eldest quite badly and over a long period of time.
Both headteacher and governors (yes, I took it that far) said their "hands were tied" and these children can't be removed from school and, hence, they couldn't guarantee my child(ren)s safety.
I have had my eyes truly opened over the last few years. But yay for inclusion!!

It is shocking I agree even more shocking is that both this poor girls parents are putting the boys and his parents feelings above the safety and welfare of their own daughter.

What will it take for them to advocate and protect their daughter, her ending up in A&E with a head injury, concussion, a broken bone? The OP has already said the boy is getting stronger he will get stronger still as other posters have pointed out and more aggressive when testosterone kicks in.

That poor girl.

I think this is the best approach, OP. It also sounds like the mum is a sensible sort and has taken it well. Don't feel terrible, it isn't your fault. You did the right and honest thing. Any other course of action would be unhelpful to this other mum and set the wrong example to both your DD and her DS.

It's never nice to be bearer of bad news, but you didn't cause it.

I'm sorry but that is just wrong. Safeguarding - the safety of all the children in the school - is a legal requirement and if children are being physically harmed because the staff can't prevent it, that is a reason to exclude the child doing the harming. It is just flat wrong that they can't do anything. Did they REALLY say they couldn't guarantee your children's safety? That's appalling - try Ofsted?

It doesn't make any sense from an 'inclusion' point of view because children can see how unfair it is and are unlikely to come out of that situation wanting anything to do with SEN children or adults if that's their experience, as self preservation more than anything else. As we've seen in this case with OP's DD definitely unwilling to continue friendship or any unforced contact with this child.

You can force children to be in school but you cannot force them to be friends with anyone, and they're not going to choose friends who hurt them. It should be the adults' responsibility to manage the situation so this doesn't happen.

My son (not violent) had 1 to 1 all through primary school. If it’s needed to keep him and other children from harm then it absolutely should be provided- funded by the local authority

Yes, if a 1 to 1 is needed it should be provided. Of course it's getting harder and harder to recruit to these roles as it's a difficult, very responsible job and paid crap wages.

The Government (and the opposition, politicians in general really) don't really care about inclusion, just lip service to it and the 'look' of things.

There needs to be better pay and training for TAs who do 1 to 1 jobs.

There need to be more, better resourced special schools for those children for whom standard school is not the best option.

None of this is happening nor is it proposed by any opposition parties.

"Hi [Mum name] I'm so sorry, there's no easy way to say this, but when I told DD about [child]'s party, she said that she doesn't want to come because he has been hitting her and shoving her at school. So we will respect her wishes. Like I said, really sorry to pull out and I hope he has a lovely birthday."

What are school.dong??
It sounds like the child has significant disabilities, its not his fault and I'm speaking as the parent of a severely autistic teenager whose behaviour is incredibly challenging at times, but his special school deals with him.
But he can't go round hitting other children, does he even have an EHCP ,1:1 etc?
School sounds like they are failing h to safeguard both children here.

If a child has an EHCP.which states they need a 1:1 by law they have to be provided with one ,they 1:1 will be employed to work with the child with disabilities and be funded from the EHCP funding .

I think you've dropped the ball here, and also that the school is failing everyone in this situation. Your child has given up on your ability to protect her, which is very sad for both of you.

You need to contact the school and say enough is enough and they need to find a way to meet the needs of all the children in the class, including - and especially - figuring out how to keep all the children safe.

I think you should talk to the mother too. I think it's actually worse to weasel out of the invitation than to be candid.

Surely the school communicates with her about her child's difficulties in social situations there?