Should I tell this mum the truth or a kind lie?

[Exegete]

DD7 goes to school with a little boy with a disability (he has difficulties walking and doesn’t talk). They’ve been in the same class since reception and DD has always been occasionally complaining about him hitting her. Never anything serious, but she would often mention (usually without looking distressed) that he had grabbed her glasses off her face, pushed her in the line or slapped her. They were good friends and would often play together but he would sometimes suddenly get angry without any warnings. He does also hit other children, but DD is definitely one of his favourite. I saw him recently on a school outing, one minute he’s all smiles and giggles, the next minute out of the blue he grabs a child and pushes him to the floor. I explained to DD that he doesn’t mean to hurt her and that he gets overwhelmed when frustrated and she can tell him to stop or walk away when he’s aggressive. I thought it would get better as he grew up. Well the boy is now turning 8, he’s bigger and stronger and it got worse.

Today the boy’s mum tells me she’s organising a little birthday party for him (a play date and cake with a few friends at their home). She asked if DD was free, I (stupidly) said she was, thanked her for the invitation and I would get back to her. So I didn’t really say yes she’ll come, but I also said we had nothing planned that day.
I thought DD would be happy to go (she did go to his birthday last year and had a good time). Well she firmly refuses to go. She said he shoved her in the railings while lining in the playground today again, he does that all the time now, she just doesn’t bother telling me or the teacher because there’s nothing we can do.
So now what do I tell the boy’s mum? I don’t know her well at all, I feel for her, I’m sad my DD and her son are not friends anymore, but I also won’t force DD to go if she’s scared of him. So my idea is that I need to put on my big girl’s pants and tell the mum the truth. As gently as possible. That I’m sorry but DD doesn’t want to go because her son hits her when he’s upset and she’s a bit scared (how do I word it?!).
Then my husband tells me being honest is cruel and selfish, that a little lie (“sorry we have other plans”) would spare their feelings. But I’m shit at lying, and also I already said we were free that day so she’ll know and I’ll hurt her feelings even more…
Yanbu: tell the truth (how?)
Yabu: tell a white lie

I agree with this too. Frankly, I'm a bit shocked the OP seems more concerned about the reaction of this parent to a party than her own daughter being hurt. Invite someone round so you arent "lying" WTAF??? does she monitor your house 24/7 then for signs of deception then?

This is the problem with people pleasing- you get so caught up in what others think that you end up ignoring the needs and rights of yourself and your family. People pleasing is damaging and this is a prime example of it.

You can tell the truth in a kind and respectful manner -it's not either flat out ridiculous lie or be extremely rude. There is a huge middle ground in between and I don't understand why you seem to be ignoring that

Your daughter is being physically abused. If school aren’t going anything about this child you need to request she moves schools. This is awful. Poor kid.

I would feel alone and hopeless if I was a child and my mum didn't tell the teacher that another child regularly hurt me. You need to report the many attacks that have already taken place.

You will find that most schools these days do not have the budget for 1:1 staff. We have had 11 staff leave since last September. 9 of them were TAs and 6 of those were 1:1s. They have not been replaced because the school is over budget. There is simply no money. We rely on our amazing PTA to raise money so that the children can have the basics. There is no quick answer for any of this.

This. Why @Exegete are you standing idly by whilst your daughter is a punch bag for this boy? Why is your kindness directed at this boy and not your daughter?

What a terrible lesson you are teaching her.

I would be honest. I have kids with additional needs, his mom will know what his behaviour is like , there's no.point in making an excuse up.

To say you have a flat tyre or something whilst on the way to the party would be so.much worse.

For her to spend money and organise the party and for her son to be waiting and then people don't turn up will be so much more upsetting for them both. At least if she knows in advance there may not be enough people for a party, she can arrange a special trip out for him instead.

As a teacher and a mum, definitely tell the parents! He even if he has learning difficulties they need to learn to keep their hands to themselves so when out in society they can cope etc, but also it’s not fair on your daughter. I think the parents would rather know so they can start to deal with it and get their son on the right track rather than thinking people just don’t want to go to the party. I would want to know if I was his mum.

Your DD is 7 - she should be allowed to make some decisions for herself. You don't have to make her go to a party when she clearly does not want to. So just tell the Mum thank you - but DD has said she does not want to go and as you are teaching her about decision making and negotiation etc etc - be it right or wrong and whether her reasoning is valid or otherwise - she needs to learn that she may miss out on fun stuff - so be it!! Wish the birthday kid a great time and leave it at that!!

100% you did the right thing gently being honest.
the parents are going to be under a lot of stress trying to parent a high needs kid and navigate the woeful world of additional support. They don’t have energy to spare for wondering whether kids are going to come to a party or not and thinking that if the turnout is low that it’s because people are busy and they should just find a better date/different place/ try harder/ try again…. You’ve done thr right thing.

you need to advocate for your dd. She is being assaulted and the school and you are letting it happen. You are teaching her to accept abuse

This. It’s not on at all.

The boy should be in a SEN school or have a one on one assistant if he is unable to behave. He could really hurt your dd.

My daughter has started to refuse to go to parties with boys who have hurt her - once - or whose behaviour she doesn't like. I absolutely think it's her right to do so and her boundaries to protect herself / not to put herself in a situation she won't enjoy should be respected.

I wouldn't want to go to a party given by someone who had shoved me up against railings on a regular basis. No adult would.

You've done the perfect thing, honest and kind.

The much, much bigger issue is that your DD doesn't feel there's any point telling either yourself or the teachers when someone is physically hurting her.

This is extremely bad, and is a safeguarding failure by the school. She should feel it is an absolute requirement to tell an adult if this is happening.

Children should not be failing to report this 'because no-one does anything' - it should be stopped and if it isn't it may well escalate to a point where the boy does something which causes him to be excluded. He may not be able to control himself but he does need to get the message (and the children observing and on the receiving end also need to get the message) that this behaviour is not acceptable.

It isn't in anyone's interests for your DD to feel she has to remain silent - I would question why she has that message, it's extremely concerning.

Tell her your daughter is unwell on that day and have a word with tbe teacher about the incidents. Ask your daughter to keep a diary of events and show the teacher. Escalate to headteacher and then the board if nothing gets done and she is still getting hurt.

The mum said she understands... Now I feel like crap.

You should feel like crap @Exegete for condoning the violence this boy is inflicting on your daughter, for not standing up for her, expecting her to endure it and excusing your lack of support for your daughter because he can't help it and his parents can't do anything about it.

You should be putting the safety and well being of your daughter first and not the feelings of this boy and his parents.

This. ^

The school needs to deal with it.

Your daughter should not just have to suck this up and endure it in silence, because it looks more compassionate to do this. Effectively that is sweeping it under the carpet.

Its not cruel for the Mum to understand that this is happening so that she can work with the school and her son on improving the situation. It's kinder to HIM if the adults involved do that.

I think (as above) you need to avoid the party and don't force your daughter to go when she really doesn't want to .
Approach the school directly, don't go to the Mum. I'm sure they will have observed this anyway but if no one is complaining they probably don't realise how bad it is (or find it easier to turn a blind eye). Keep a record from now on to let them know how often it happens, this would be not to be vindictive but to help the teacher see the whole picture and also to let them know if their approach is working and the situation is improving or not and if a different approach needs to be tried. Keep it between the school and the Mum. That is kinder and she can feel that its confidential between them and not being shared with the whole class.

You can still be kind to the Mum and the boy, but the truth is better in the long run for both of them. Plus, in my experience schools are often not very good at tackling this effectively if no one says anything. If its brought to their attention, they will see it and hopefully be able to nip these situations in the bud. Your daughter deserves no less.

I don't agree at all about lying- eg telling the parent your DD is unwell. What happens if you see the mum at the school gates and she asks your DD if she is feeling better or tries to arrange a play date to make up for the fact your DD couldn't make it?

What does this teach your DD- that she should lie to people rather than be honest about her true feelings. It's equally unkind to the mum because if enough people cancel she may well reschedule for another date and then wonder why everyone is cancelling again. Lying sounds like the kind option but it really isnt and it could cause way more hurt in the long run for everyone.

FM's are just giving sensible, balanced advice/etc

I guess the parent of the boy already has enough on their plate.
OP, do tell but before or after the party and be aware of two sides of a story. Eith way and IMO, the parent will be reasonable as they may be aware of this behaviour etc but be prepared to be surprised and listen, digest and then repsosd.

At that age children are children and some kids are like that, ie hit others for no reason and their parents are often reasonable people and will listen and try to act on complaints without having a go at the complainer and defending their kid regaldless.

good luck

Sorry just seen your update and that yu have spoken to the mum. It sounds as if you did that tactfully, kindly and that she understood. Hopefully this will help your daughters situation. I do believe that the truth was best in the long run. It is heartbreaking when your child is in a situation like this. And for the other mum too. Wishing you all the best

You're going to tell the school about this week's incident though, right? Every single incident has to be reported and you have to make a song and dance about it to advocate for your daughter every single time. It's both sad and worrying that she already accepts it uncomplainingly because she knows nobody is protecting her.

"She said he shoved her in the railings while lining in the playground today again, he does that all the time now, she just doesn’t bother telling me or the teacher because there’s nothing we can do."

oh my word. she no longer kicks up a fuss because no one is protecting her. Imagine going to work each day and getting hit. Even then you have a choice and could find a new job. Your child is forced to be in close quarters with someone who attacks her. What message are you and school sending her by not protecting her? Why are you pussy footing around this mum? The child has disabilities yes, he can’t help it sure but that doesn’t mean your child should not be safe at school. The adults in this situation should be safe guarding both the boy and your child. My word. Straight to the head on Monday. I’d not be sending my child to school until they provided answers and a clear plan on how she would be protected going forward. The party is not the issue here. Protect your child.

I think this. I imagine the mum would like to know if you can tell her the truth delicately. There's more chance of her being able to work on it with him if she knows the reason.

Your daughter needs to feel safe at school, regardless of whether the child has a disability or not. The school needs to manage things better so that children are safe. Perhaps school could be your point of contact here rather than the mum. Perhaps your daughter could unfortunately be unwell on the day of the party?

Chiming in to say start teaching your daughter and telling the teacher to separate them during line ups etc. The boy is at the start of a testosterone surge now so his strength levels will only increase.

In case you do return, I think you did the right thing. If you’d made an excuse and then told her later she might have asked if that was why your Dd didn’t attend the party which would have been very awkward.

This other child's limitations and challenges are not a reason to let another child be hurt for years. Is it sad the poor child has these challenges, yes. But it's just as sad as what this child has gone thru for years because they were not protected because the mother of the boys feelings were protected instead.

@Exegete The big issue here is that your child is being assaulted at school on a regular basis.You need to complain to the school and ask what they are going to do to keep your child safe.

It is not acceptable that other children are expected to put up with this kind of behaviour just because the child involved has a disability. The school needs to be more proactive and put support in place for this child so the unwanted behaviour is prevented from happening.

The more you and other parents complain, the more likely the school will be forced to do something about it.