Should I tell this mum the truth or a kind lie?

[Exegete]

DD7 goes to school with a little boy with a disability (he has difficulties walking and doesn’t talk). They’ve been in the same class since reception and DD has always been occasionally complaining about him hitting her. Never anything serious, but she would often mention (usually without looking distressed) that he had grabbed her glasses off her face, pushed her in the line or slapped her. They were good friends and would often play together but he would sometimes suddenly get angry without any warnings. He does also hit other children, but DD is definitely one of his favourite. I saw him recently on a school outing, one minute he’s all smiles and giggles, the next minute out of the blue he grabs a child and pushes him to the floor. I explained to DD that he doesn’t mean to hurt her and that he gets overwhelmed when frustrated and she can tell him to stop or walk away when he’s aggressive. I thought it would get better as he grew up. Well the boy is now turning 8, he’s bigger and stronger and it got worse.

Today the boy’s mum tells me she’s organising a little birthday party for him (a play date and cake with a few friends at their home). She asked if DD was free, I (stupidly) said she was, thanked her for the invitation and I would get back to her. So I didn’t really say yes she’ll come, but I also said we had nothing planned that day.
I thought DD would be happy to go (she did go to his birthday last year and had a good time). Well she firmly refuses to go. She said he shoved her in the railings while lining in the playground today again, he does that all the time now, she just doesn’t bother telling me or the teacher because there’s nothing we can do.
So now what do I tell the boy’s mum? I don’t know her well at all, I feel for her, I’m sad my DD and her son are not friends anymore, but I also won’t force DD to go if she’s scared of him. So my idea is that I need to put on my big girl’s pants and tell the mum the truth. As gently as possible. That I’m sorry but DD doesn’t want to go because her son hits her when he’s upset and she’s a bit scared (how do I word it?!).
Then my husband tells me being honest is cruel and selfish, that a little lie (“sorry we have other plans”) would spare their feelings. But I’m shit at lying, and also I already said we were free that day so she’ll know and I’ll hurt her feelings even more…
Yanbu: tell the truth (how?)
Yabu: tell a white lie

As a TA at a mainstream school we are struggling so much these days with managing the behaviour of these poor children who, through no fault of their own, are in the wrong setting because there is nowhere else for them to go. I am regularly kicked, punched and spat at on a daily basis but will continue to put up with it if it means that the other children don't take the same treatment. But these children are unpredictable and as much as we try our hardest to protect all the children, it's not always possible.

It used to be that when a child with needs began to dysregulate the entire class would leave the room so that no-one was hurt, back then the occasions were few and far between. These days the children would be out of class most of the day! So the alternative is to have to remove the dysregulated child which causes less disruption to others but often more upset as they have to witness their friend in distress being removed by a number of adults.

Having said all that, in our school every single report of negative behaviour by a child is logged. That way it helps the school to escalate the problem and produce a report to support an application for an alternative setting when places do come up.

So OP please tell your daughter to report every incident as in the end the it will help the child to get to a place where his needs will be met and he will be so much happier and less frustrated.

Definitely don't send your child to the party though!

OP, don’t invent an excuse as to why your DD won’t be going to the party - tell the mother straight up what the problem is - “I told my DD about the party and I’m afraid she doesn’t want to come because she says your DS pushes her and hits her, and I’m sorry but I don’t think she should have to put up with this.” If you won’t advocate for your DD, who will?

First and for most do not make your daughter attend when she doesn’t want too. I’m a mum to a sen child who thankfully doesn’t hit out but he’s been unkind in other areas and myself and school do not make that a reason for him to not be treated like others, he has also been on the receiving end of some very unkind behaviour of another child in his class with sen and I don’t accept that as a free card.

You need to raise with the school this ongoing issue so they can manage it and know how frequently it’s happening. Go above the teacher to the head or the wellbeing officer or Senco.

in terms of the party you can make any excuse to not attend ( illness, other plans , and so on) I wouldn’t approach saying she’s not coming because of __

I agree that you should tell a little lie to excuse yourself from the party but I just wanted to post to say I disagree with posts telling you to speak to the parents about their son's behaviour. His parents can't do much to stop it - they are obviously nice people from what you have said and don't condone aggression. You need to speak to the school about keeping your daughter safe.

The school design the mix of kids in classes, the adult support available, the routines, structures and policies and it is the school that should be safeguarding your daughter, and other children, from being hurt and pushed around. The school can speak to the parents about any policies they put in place or any support that they would like from the parents.

I think you should just be honest with the mum and say you told DD about the party but DD has said she doesn't want to go because the boy often hurts her and she's now wary of him.

What on earth is school doing to protect the other children? Why does he not have a one to one (yes, I know how tricky this is to organise, my little cousin has a serious medical issue, it’s been a long time organising a one to one). As a teacher, I’d be stood between him and the other kids in line ups etc.

Would she go to the party if it was ok for you to stay.
Maybe being there, you could keep an eye out.

Sad, the young boy would have so few friends.

Still very much disagree with the posters saying speak to the school only for them to sort it out.

Yes op you definitely need to escalte the matter up the school, but this is a separate thing regarding an event outside of school, so needs to be dealt with in a direct way. Please be honest with the mum, she needs to know exactly what’s going on and why kids aren’t coming to her party.

I have to question whether she really knows the extent of what her son is doing. If i knew my son hit other kids, i certainly wouldn’t be throwing him a party and inviting other kids.

Awful suggestion and sends the wrong message to DD.

I'd be on to the school about safeguarding your daughter.

The boy's developmental issues / learning issues do not mean the school doesn't have a duty to ensure other children are safe from his behaviour. They have a duty of care to ALL the children, not just the boy. And they are failing in that duty of care if this is an ongoing issue.

Please don't let your daughter to continue to be hurt at school. The school needs to be on it.

Imagine being that age and not having a single bit of trust in the adults around you 😂 failing her here absolutely everyone no way I'd be quiet if someone was hurting my child.

I feel for your DD but also for this other mum too. I think you’re right to feel a conflict and it reflects well on you that you are trying to balance it,
I would do what pps say and separate the party issue as I imagine it’s hard/ emotional for her if people say no to her sons party because of his behaviour/ disability
I’d just say ‘I’m so sorry, I thought we were free that weekend but my husband reminded me we’re doing x- hope he has a lovely birthday’
i would address the other issues at school separately

You definitely need to tell your daughter to tell a teacher everytime this boy hurts her at school.

My dd had a boy in her primary that used to hurt other children all the time, there were lots of incidents and he would just lose a few minutes of his break time or his mum, who always had an excuse for him, had been informed.

I complained to the school in writing and had a meeting with the head teacher.
I told them that they were failing in their duty to protect my daughter and other pupils and it was unacceptable.
I used their behaviour policies from the school website which said that all children should be able to go to school without fear, to show how they were failing their own policy.

After this things did change and they put in a lot more rules around this boy to protect others.
I know that the boy in your case has a lot of difficulties and i know that schooks are struggling with staff and funding, but it doesn't mean that other children have to put up with being hurt. It's really sad and very unacceptable for your dd to feel like there's no point in complaining and that she just has to put up with it.

My dd is in secondary now but still appreciates that I stood up for her.

She will know it’s a lie. I think be honest about the physical stuff. The teachers must have already mentioned it.

I am so sorry, I chatted to Lucy about the party and she has been upset recently by Tom, he has pushed and hit her a few times. She doesn’t want to go to the party because if that, and David and I have decided we won’t force her under the circumstances. We hope Tom has a great birthday.

OP, you say that ‘Well she firmly refuses to go’.
Well, that’s it. Your DD cannot be forced to go nor should this be entertained.

As her parent, it is for you to manage the diplomacy & I am sure that another urgent unexpected family engagement (e.g. Great Aunt Lucy over from Peru) will suffice.

Ideally, a gentle & honest discussion well beforehand would have been preferable where the respective parents & children would have had time to reflect & possibly come up with a workable outcome so that the children’s friendship could continue without fear or thumping. Buuut the party invitation has pre-empted this & interestingly the boy’s father was already aware that his son had hurt your DD.

Your DD’s stance is fair & good for her stating her opinion & keeping her boundaries. Respect.

The kindest and most respectful thing to do for the boy’s mum will be to tell her the truth. She will know you are making excuses with whatever story you come up with, but might assume it’s because of your prejudices rather than her son’s actual behaviour. If she doesn’t know the truth, she can’t address it. You can say how sad you are that they aren’t friends anymore but that now you know the extent of what is going on you need to listen to your DD’s wishes.

Separately you must raise it with the school - there are lots of things they can do now, even without a full time one to one.

Don’t lie. You can use diplomatic phrasing, but you need to tell the mother that DD doesn’t want to go because the boy keeps hurting her.

Absolutely don’t fabricate a last minute lie- that’s shitty.

You need to tell the school every time it happens. Your daughter needs you to step up, and at the moment you are teaching her that she has to tolerate repeated violence.

Schools are in a shocking position. Funding cuts are so severe that children who need 1:1 don’t get it. When they can’t manage mainstream provision their needs overwhelm them. Report every incident, ask how incidents are recorded. Ask the headteacher what s/he is doing to safeguard your child. Schools need huge amounts of evidence to get funding for individual children with SEND, because govt don’t fund LAs adequately either.

I'd be honest in advance of the party, and explain that, while you hope they can be friends again, you aren't going to make your daughter spend time with someone who hits and pushes her. The other mum might be upset, but the alternatives (doing the 'be kind' thing and making your daughter go, faking a last minute emergency reason to cancel, or telling a lie) would be worse.

The bigger issue, though, is that your daughter is being subjected to physical aggression and feels so let down by the adults around her that she's no longer seeing a point in telling people when she's being hurt. You need to take action with the school to keep her safe and support her in developing a sense that she does not deserve to and should not have to tolerate violence.

I would say something like pizza heart said . As a little girl she should not have to suffer this kind of thing.she probably feels powerless as no one seems to be helping at school.

I would try to speak privately to one of the parents and quietly tell the truth that your daughter has been hurt so does not want to go to the party.

Re: addressing the party acceptance or not - I’m not keen on the fact that your husband thinks he knows how to handle it and gives you the benefit if his wisdom. He should speak to the parents if he knows best. He won’t do though because this is wifework.
I agree with all the posters saying you (and your husband) need to tell the school every time. Ask what they’re doing to protect your child. Keep doing it till you see action.

Good for your DD for standing up for herself and having boundaries about what she’ll put up with. Please support her to stay like that, tell her you’re on her side and you’ll do what you can to try to get school to do something about this too. The boy is being let down too as he shouldn’t be allowed to just attack people without any consequences, that’s not helping him either - but as PPs have said, the school also has a duty to protect the other kids.

Your dd has to spend all day at school knowing she could be about to be hurt, that’s horrible and no wonder she’d rather not spend her spare time in that situation as well.

Your DH is (probably not consciously) training her that as a girl she can just suck up what boys dish out and that is a message she’ll get a lot. She needs to be reassured it’s ok to prioritise her own safety.

if I was the mum I’d want to know. If school can’t prevent him being violent then they need to look at other options. Ultimately it won’t help the boy if he’s allowed to keep hurting other kids - they’ll avoid him or eventually someone will thump him back. I know sorting this out is easier said than done but it’s not your DDs responsibility.

Yes, ir sounds as though the school are not doing what they should.
This is a safeguarding issue.

Am really surprised by the number of people saying keep the party separate and make up an excuse as to why your DD can’t go. I’d explain — nicely — exactly why your DD doesn’t want to go, saying what you’ve said here. The ball’s then in their court… (I would also then, as PPs have said, talk to the school because they’re not doing their job if your DD feels there’s no alternative other than putting up with it.)

I think you should have a conversation with the Mum .The school doesn't appear to be aware /bothered about the problem . Maybe the mum isn't either or doesn't realise that this behaviour has escalated. This is about more than a birthday party
In any case , your daughter doesn't need to be putting up with this so I'm afraid you will have to steel yourself and have a (for you) uncomfortable chat. Approach the Mum....maybe suggest a coffee ? Tell her you think she needs to be aware of the pushing/hitting and that its getting worse as he gets older. Explain to her as a fellow parent, your concerns for your child. Suggest she speaks to SENCO ( maybe she already has ). Her response to this will give you a clearer idea of how to deal with the issue going forward.
If school is already aware they should have done a risk assessment and have a plan in place. Don't be afraid to let the school know what's going on. I'm sure they will understand that you priority has to be your child's well being and her education.