Married to a rich older man - feel conflicted

[chalkandpen]

Please don't flame me - first time poster and I have 2 under 2 so quite sleep deprived.

I am 30, married to my DH, 42 We have two sons: DS 20 months, DS 2 1 month.

I love my DH and we've been together since I was 27. However I've been feeling a bit conflicted recently about aspects of our marriage / life.

He is from a very posh, well-off family. Meanwhile I am from a happy lower-middle-class family in Scotland.

We met in London - originally because I rented from his ex-wife's family (!) and then through some work we did on a local committee together. We just clicked and our relationship came very naturally. He was more worried than me of the optics - he was v aware of the age gap and was conscious that others might think he was taking advantage of me. However, we really were drawn to each other, both wanted a family, & started our lives together.

Since then ... we've had so many comments about me being a golddigger, , him getting 'banter' about being with a younger woman, suggestions it's a very transactional relationship (me giving him the children he wanted, him giving me money and a house). I've found it hard to integrate with members of his family, and although my family love him, my sisters have expressed envy / jealousy of how much easier my life is now because of him.

Also we do have some differing opinions - he is def. more right of centre politically, I am left-wing, he assumes our children should have a nanny / private school etc. He also wants to pay for things for me - fancy meals etc - and I['m worried about looking like a trophy wife.

AIBU to feel weird or out of place? His first wife - who he is still good friends with - is also private school, oxbridge, high-flier, & sometimes I think I'm just not 'right' in this relationship, even though we love each other.

I used to have so many biases about 'posh public schoolboys' and now they will be my children.

op you say in your original post that you’re left wing. In that case if you send your children to public school you’re a hypocrite.
If you feel so strongly against ‘posh public schoolboys’ then maybe you shouldn’t have married your dh in the first place.

The age gap is minor. I'd say don't lose sight of your roots and stay true to yourself and your beliefs. You are no trophy wife, anyone saying that is just jealous. As long as you are doing what you want with your life that's all that matters. But I'd say make sure you have your own money, get a job once the kids are nursery or school age (if you want to) but just make sure you are not too reliant on him.
Also don't just let him decide on nannies and private school as the default option, they are your children too and your opinions are equally valid.

I was also a scholarship kid and didn’t have that experience at all.

I say this not to invalid your experience but to be clear to the OP that it isn’t linear - plenty of private schools are full of kids with parents struggling to pay the fees, and even if they weren’t, they wouldn’t necessarily look down on anyone for not skiing - I had some rich as well as middle class friends at my school and no one was even slightly mean to me because I didn’t have a pony.

Tbh i think what youre feeling is lack of equality. Marrying a man your age, from your background, your financjal means would mean equality say in outcomes

Personally i couldnt live life to someone else's values / culture.

I've seen many relationships end over this. Obviously you dont have much power here, so work to get power back to equalise yourself

Suggestions - maintain strong original friendships - try and win over the mother - go back to work asap to give purpose and get respect from others - perhaps community work eg trustee, village hall, church warden gives status.

But dont do nothing as it'll get worse over time

Forget the haters, you both love each other and that’s what matters. Remember there is a reason she is his ex wife. Don’t change who you are just to fit in. Be yourself, I am around a lot of affluent people but I still stay true to how I feel about certain things. Also if you try and force the “going to lidl” etc then it won’t work anyway. Through excellent education even private your children will grow up with a world view that may be different to yours but they might even become more philanthropic because they have more and have the worldview through travelling naturally. You’re blessed and your children are blessed but so is your husband. He is with you for a reason never forget who you are. Don’t let the negative thoughts in because it might ruin what you have. Accept the Nannie’s etc, so what if people complain about it. They are not you and you are entitled to do what is right for you.

Has serving up that dollop of bitchiness made you feel better about yourself?

The OP is one of two parents of her children, bringing up their kids is a process of negotiation as it is for all parents. There are many reasons - from the views of the other parent to SN - why you might end up with your kids at a private school even if it wasn’t what you wanted.

Having to co-parent and negotiate does not make the OP a hypocrite.

The OP is one of two parents of her children, bringing up their kids is a process of negotiation as it is for all parents.

That’s true but if the two parents have opposing views on private/state education then it’s hard to compromise as schools are either private or state. I suppose they could have one dc at one and one at t’ other but that also might lead to problems.

Suck it up people will always find something to say about you. If you met someone else they will have something different to say. People are very opinionated so I wouldn't worry yourself as long you are both happy then who cares.

If I were you I’d do a crash course in building up my self-esteem so you don’t feel out of place amongst his family and peers anymore. You can do this.

Focus on you, your kids, relationship, career, or stuff you want to accomplish. Forget what others are saying, ignore the banter.

I’ve only had time to read your first two posts and by the sound of it you have a great relationship. Politically you may have to have a few discussion and hopefully one to an agreement that works for both of you.

so don’t overthink it. It’s okay for you to enjoy your good fortune.

also 30 and 42 isn’t a noteworthy age difference IMO

You can send your children to private schools you'll be called a champaign socialist. Diana Abbott is a champagne socialist and so am I.

A 12 year age gap isn’t even that big. A 27 and 39 year old dating I can’t see as raising many eyebrows.

The bigger issue is that if you now have a 20 month old, that means you must have fallen pregnant when you’d only been together 7 months. You barely knew each other. And then you get pregnant again when your first baby is less than a year old?

I’m not saying the above is the wrong way to do things necessarily, but you sound pretty unsettled in this relationship for a number of reasons. Being tied to someone with a pregnancy almost immediately upon getting together when you’re in your 20s isn’t building a solid foundation for a relationship.

If you’re an artist many charities would value committed trustees with experience in the arts. Lots of arts & health charities in London that I’m aware of. Could you invest in a new gallery giving opportunities to working class creatives - this is something severely lacking (still!) in the art scene. You could use your upbringing and your current situation to bridge the gap for others instead of feeling guilty or out of place for it (although that’s a completely natural way to feel!)

@chalkandpen I understand your concerns, but think everything is exacerbated by sleep deprivation.
Your marriage sounds lovely, don’t let other people bring in doubts. Banter is often coming by from people with envy or genuine friendly jokes.

be kind to yourself and your family 💐

First post has nailed it!

You and your DG love each other. You have two children together.

Your relationship and your children are what you need to concentrate on. You are lucky financially, but that wasn't your motivation - you married because you love each other. Nurture that love - don't let others' envy or judgment poison it.

Make the most of it OP!

And 12 years age difference, for who adults who were very much adults when they met, isn't that big of a deal.
There's 10 years between my sister and her partner, and he was similarly wealthy. But honestly, no one even blinked.

In reality, I always tell myself, "no one is thinking about you as much as you think they are."

I am eight years older than DH, and some of the happiest relationships amongst my friends have much bigger age gaps than yours. 30 and 42 isn’t a big deal at all. Probably that people commenting on it are doing so because they can’t actually comment on the wealth or class disparity, but deep down want to have a go about that , so fix on the (totally normal) age gap. I would think this is largely envy .
Re his wider family being hard to connect to, give it more time. Over time as they know you better, and you become a permanent family member, then it will probably smooth out a lot.
Just enjoy your DH and children, and don’t focus on what anyone else may think .

I don't see the age difference as an issue. I can get your feeling in an unusual situation, I can understand why you having different opinions about your children's future may need conversations.

The fact that you first met a long time before your relationship began seems a positive thing for me.

I don’t think this sounds like a huge age gap. You’re both still young really, and you weren’t inappropriately young when you got together - presumably you had lived a full life before meeting him.

I suspect if you dig a little deeper you may find that your political differences/possible difference in values may be the bigger issue? It does sound like your relationship moved quite quickly so these may not have come to light before you were already settled.

I expected a whole age divide when you said older, rich man.
Folks always prefer minding everyone else’s business, to distract themselves from their own.
Your husband seems unfazed by your supposed motives, so I would avoid the naysayers, try to grow a thicker skin (or tell them to get to fuck), and get to growing/enjoying your marriage and family. The relationship has been a whirlwind of activity, so need to focus…

To hell with the optics of what other (jealous) people might say or think !
When I read the headline to your post I thought the age gap would have been much greater.
You love each other , that's a good foundation , build on it.

The age gap is not significant, imvho - certainly bigger than average, but far from abnormal. The class divide is more of an issue, tbh, as it is clearly being somewhat divisive.

You and your dh need to navigate the norms from both of your respective childhood backgrounds - which norms were actually a bit toxic or undesirable, and which brought genuine benefits? What values do you want to inculcate in your children? Does your dh accept that there were aspects of your childhood that were happier and more positive than the experiences he had, or is he actually wed to the idea that his childhood was the right model for anyone lucky enough to experience it? How honest can you be about the pros and cons of your own childhood experiences? Are there some things you both think were difficult about your upbringings, but which were “good for you”? Are these fair perceptions, or your ways of making sense of negative experiences that should not need generational repetition?

Ignore the wider family on both sides when navigating these things - this is for you and your dh to work through. You will both have to compromise and accept things you are not really certain about, because you are having to create a different path for yourselves from the templates created for you by your own families. Accept it as interesting, not insurmountable. You should not have to accept that your children’s childhood template must repeat that of your dh’s.

Hmm. Those I met with true money shop in Aldi and Lidl and drive very economical cars. There furniture is battered but old and expensive. Their clothes decent horsey brands but well worn. The women are not dressed in designer gear with nails done every week etc. however they are rural rich not London rich so maybe different.

You feel insecure because you are trying to find who you are after children and you are feeling all at sea because most people look to find a bit of who they used to be. Your life has changed and it’s good to change too but remember who you are. Be who you are. You actually have the money to be who you are. If that’s designer gear and nails done fine but if it’s not, you don’t have to do it. You do not have to “keep up with the Jones’s”. You can have your own political beliefs. Also why are you bowing to your husband. You are an equal parent and tbh sounds like the default parent, if you don’t want private schools and Nannie’s then done have them

The age difference isn’t the issue here. Communication between you and your husband and finding a ground you both can meet on, is all that matters.

Op, you can have a wonderful life - I am twenty years on and you do andjust. This is what I have learnt:

Choose authentic friends old and new that make you laugh and have your back. Close down the jealousy by not engaging with comments. I wouldn’t even dignify it with an answer.

Be proud of who you are, and your values and heritage. Fortunately you are not English. So hard to ‘place’ as such. Being proud of your roots will offer a degree of protection.

This!

I was expecting a 30 year age gap. 12 years is nothing.