Married to a rich older man - feel conflicted

[chalkandpen]

Please don't flame me - first time poster and I have 2 under 2 so quite sleep deprived.

I am 30, married to my DH, 42 We have two sons: DS 20 months, DS 2 1 month.

I love my DH and we've been together since I was 27. However I've been feeling a bit conflicted recently about aspects of our marriage / life.

He is from a very posh, well-off family. Meanwhile I am from a happy lower-middle-class family in Scotland.

We met in London - originally because I rented from his ex-wife's family (!) and then through some work we did on a local committee together. We just clicked and our relationship came very naturally. He was more worried than me of the optics - he was v aware of the age gap and was conscious that others might think he was taking advantage of me. However, we really were drawn to each other, both wanted a family, & started our lives together.

Since then ... we've had so many comments about me being a golddigger, , him getting 'banter' about being with a younger woman, suggestions it's a very transactional relationship (me giving him the children he wanted, him giving me money and a house). I've found it hard to integrate with members of his family, and although my family love him, my sisters have expressed envy / jealousy of how much easier my life is now because of him.

Also we do have some differing opinions - he is def. more right of centre politically, I am left-wing, he assumes our children should have a nanny / private school etc. He also wants to pay for things for me - fancy meals etc - and I['m worried about looking like a trophy wife.

AIBU to feel weird or out of place? His first wife - who he is still good friends with - is also private school, oxbridge, high-flier, & sometimes I think I'm just not 'right' in this relationship, even though we love each other.

Lots to unpick. Class,upbringing,expectations,other people, assumptions,your assumptions

Firstly you’re both happy and have 2 beautiful children. Thats massive

You're negotiating, a new world, in which you are immersed in a different level of wealth, security, and social norms , compared to your life, previously in a flat share, and regular getting by

You need to have an honest conversation with husband. His background and expectations may be you don’t need to work but I’d reframe that as you want to work and work isn’t wholly a financial undertaking. Don’t give up work. Realistically, because he’s affluent he’ll pay and want to pay for things and that’s ok because you can pay for things too.

Your lifestyle and affluence will draw comment and detractors, you can’t control that. You can control your reaction and manage the impact . Don’t be afraid to bite back. If you receive nasty or diggy comments you can rebuke and that’s ok.

realistically you have an affluent lifestyle and don’t need to be akward about it. By all means do acknowledge your privilege and maintain an awareness that you’re in a fortunate position but you don’t need to be apologetic or guilty

Finally, 12 year is an age gap but he’s not you’re dad age

do have a open conversation with husband how you’re feeling. Begin to Confidently rebuke and digs and nastiness

Well, as do I! (assume, I mean).
I have got a very decent place in another country to go when I please, thank you.
However, I don't think I could do that, but hey, people change with time, as you said.

Oh, sorry, just to add, I'm 44 and don't think it likely my dear husband would live for another 16 years....

Me too. I wouldn’t accept boarding school, that is a hill I would die on, but posh school I would. I’d take them camping, and I’d happily have a nanny, just for moderate hours not replacing me. I have had a nanny and we are just an averagely middle class family with two working parents who need help with our kids, you’re not Marie Antoinette for having a nanny, it’s just another trusted person your children like.
wear whatever you like, but preferably not fast fashion since you can afford not to. Grow veggies. Paint a room- do art with your kids. Take them on gallery tours of Europe. Have a lovely life!

Private school yes some outstanding private schools with great results
Boarding school absolutely not. Don’t send the children away based on habit and tradition

Also we do have some differing opinions - he is def. more right of centre politically, I am left-wing, he assumes our children should have a nanny / private school etc

You've had lots of posts telling you not to be silly, nothing to worry about, just enjoy it because your life sounds lovely etc but I'm going to go slightly against the grain and say that these things do matter. Not so much the age thing, that wouldn't bother me particularly. But shared values are very important, particularly when it comes to how you intend to raise your children.

Given how soon into the relationship you set up home together and became parents I think it's reasonable that you're having some doubts. In your position, I would want to be resuming my career, not just for my own financial protection and independence but also to ensure my identity didn't become eroded. Work is about much more than needing money. Your life has changed hugely in a very short space of time and it does sound as though you've been expected to slot into his world. I think its quite telling that he "assumes" your children will be raised the way he was.

It's important that you feel like an equal in your marraige and that's not just about who earns the money. DH earns three times what I earn, but we have the same values, the same vision for how we want our children to grow up and neither of us makes assumptions when it comes to big parenting decisions because these are made jointly. IME these things become more important as the children get older and the decisions you have to make that impact their lives have greater long term significance.

Ask yourself if you would have fallen in love with him if he had a normal job and not much money. If the answer is genuinely yes, then hold your high and ignore the naysayers.

Are you sure you’re not subconsciously judging his family and friends? It sounds a bit like it tbh

This. Op, maybe give up on all the class shenanigans that you’re so preoccupied with and enjoy your life.

Being a parent is a mutual endeavour undertaken by both parties, and you need to feel that your values and your beliefs are also incorporated into mutually shared parenting. It is possible to be socially aware, conscious, and left-leaning with money in the bank. You obviously need to feel that your views and values as a parent are taken on board and considered and that you reach a mutual decision. Regards School up and the values that you jointly imbue in your children. Don’t give up work and don’t become wholly financially dependent. You do need something for yourself and something that define you as something more than the rich wife.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, something is bothering you here. But firstly, and I really hope this doesn’t sound patronising, do you think that it could just be you’re exhausted and everything seems worse? It’s really mentally and physically exhausting with two little children. I can remember feeling like a zombie just going through the motions a lot of the time, I don’t want to be dismissive of how you feel, please don’t think that’s what I’m doing . Do you get out much either with the kids or on your own do you have much support outside of your marriage? Twelve years isn’t a big gap at all. I would also agree with what other people have said about not giving up work even if you go back part time. Lots of people including your family are going to be jealous and feel like you have got it made as you have money. Money does make life a hell of a lot easier but it doesn’t mean a trouble free life. I’m originally from a council estate, and I have struggled with feelings of not being good enough and I think that has a lot to do with the class system in this country. How you bring up your children together, what schools they go to etc is a huge thing and I think that you need to have a conversation with your husband about this. By the way I’ve also been at stay at home mum and I do think it can lead to a feeling of disempowerment . However my ex husband was a bit a twat who was always reminding me I wasn’t contributing financially just to put that in context! Lastly it could just be that the people who are making comments are fucking idiots who it’s best not to spend too much time with. I think you can tell when something is said as a “joke” when it’s actually a dig. There is probably a lot of jealousy behind it.

Yup, that’s nailed it. I can hear the tutting from the Scottish relatives. And he’s posh English too. That’ll be a stushie.

Omg, autocorrect I mean stooshie

You’ve got to stop taking people’s comments to heart and focus on your family. The comments come from jealousy and bitterness IMO. And they are having a real effect on you.

in the face of these comments I would do:

1. if from a random acquaintance, just phase that person out

2. if from a relative, say that these continual “bantery” comments make you feel like shit and impact your happiness so they need to stop NOW

You need to stop worrying about what other people think and enjoy your life.

What other people say is none of your business, people who chat about other people are in my opinion dull, jealous or bored.

Enjoy your life now for what it is because you never know what could happen in the future that could actually induce real worry.

I wish our country could kick it's self in the backside sometimes.

With the OF,class, and East/West rivalry and conflicted sensibilities we get plenty arse kicking

When people comment just say oh I'm not with him for the money, it's his huge dick.

They'll stop.

lol that’ll do it

The age gap is not a big deal at all IMO. DH and I have a similar gap. It’s honestly not an issue. In our case there is no class difference but we come from different cultures. Although I speak his native language well, we have still encountered challenges related to culture. In your shoes I would try to view your DH’s background in cultural terms. His upbringing is no better or worse than yours, but there are bound to be some differences in outlook due to your backgrounds.

If you feel strongly about private education or having a nanny or whatever, don’t just accept your DH’s position. Speak up, have a discussion.

Above all, do not under any circumstances give up your career to live in a gilded cage.

Normal people shop at Waitrose, you know! Don’t be an inverted snob.

I would get on with my life, contribute to society, read books, help people out when I could and enjoy life.

Yeah that waitrose/Lidl comment is a bit ridiculous and unreal. Almost, dare I say it, a bit baity.

I don't see 12 as much of an age gap tbh - not at your age. If the issue is the wealth gap then maybe focus on making your own money.

12 year age gap really isn't that much. I thought you were going to say he was 60!

I suspect your discomfort comes from feeling 'less than' when your life/background stands up next to his...but if he is a good man and you love each other, that's your inner narrative/insecurity at fault not the relationship. It's important to be able to tell the difference between the two or you might just jeopardise something massively precious.

Also when other people make 'jokey' comments, ask them to stop. You don't have to be rude but you can set a simple boundary; 'please don't say things like that. It upsets me'.

You could consider getting to personal counselling and see if you can get to the root of these feelings.

I can very much identify, and although everyone in the family and friendship circles of DH has been very welcoming I feel a bit ‘different’ now with home friends and feel I can’t talk about a lot of stuff in my life with them now, without sounding a bit of an over privileged dick. It’s a bit sad and means I don’t feel I truly belong quite as much as I once did. But all in all I’ve found it a positive thing which has brought lots of new experiences and exposure to different ways of life.

Your rude leftie friends/ relatives are probably not worth your time if they are openly rude. Their unkind and nasty judgement of you is rooted in jealousy. They will undermine your happiness every step of the way. You will be reduced down to the butt of their jokes to keep you below them intellectually/socially. A type of superior social conscience that is not actually superior at all can be very toxic if they are directing their under achievements at you. Minimise exposure.

You can find better friends. Anyone that treats you with contempt is not worthy of your time op. Regardless of political views.