Married to a rich older man - feel conflicted

[chalkandpen]

Please don't flame me - first time poster and I have 2 under 2 so quite sleep deprived.

I am 30, married to my DH, 42 We have two sons: DS 20 months, DS 2 1 month.

I love my DH and we've been together since I was 27. However I've been feeling a bit conflicted recently about aspects of our marriage / life.

He is from a very posh, well-off family. Meanwhile I am from a happy lower-middle-class family in Scotland.

We met in London - originally because I rented from his ex-wife's family (!) and then through some work we did on a local committee together. We just clicked and our relationship came very naturally. He was more worried than me of the optics - he was v aware of the age gap and was conscious that others might think he was taking advantage of me. However, we really were drawn to each other, both wanted a family, & started our lives together.

Since then ... we've had so many comments about me being a golddigger, , him getting 'banter' about being with a younger woman, suggestions it's a very transactional relationship (me giving him the children he wanted, him giving me money and a house). I've found it hard to integrate with members of his family, and although my family love him, my sisters have expressed envy / jealousy of how much easier my life is now because of him.

Also we do have some differing opinions - he is def. more right of centre politically, I am left-wing, he assumes our children should have a nanny / private school etc. He also wants to pay for things for me - fancy meals etc - and I['m worried about looking like a trophy wife.

AIBU to feel weird or out of place? His first wife - who he is still good friends with - is also private school, oxbridge, high-flier, & sometimes I think I'm just not 'right' in this relationship, even though we love each other.

I think you need to work on being comfortable in your own skin.
Just own the situation basically.

It's hard, but you will no doubt find your balance in time. You have had lots of changes in a short space of time and it does take time to adjust....... especially when you have 2 little ones to look after!
I'm married to someone older - even larger age gap and life is what it is!! I'm a SAHM because that's what works for us and I'm really grateful for being able to do that.

Do you feel more "judged" by "your side" than "his side"?

I thought you were going to say that you were 25 and with a 75 yr old! Your age gap is fine. Enjoy your life and stop worrying about others! Be confident in who you are and enjoy your family.

There are two things going on here:

Your doubts and insecurities. It is fruitless to deny there are any. You have mentioned several in this thread and there may be more.

Other people’s opinions - which may not align with your concerns but sometimes might hit a nerve.

Do some soul searching about which aspects of your experience need addressing. Do you miss your career? If you have finances for childcare there is no reason you need to lose it completely. Have you lost friendships and do they need rekindling? Is how your husband treats you, okay with you? Does he understand your niggling concerns or does he dismiss them? You have moved quickly and would be a strength of your relationship to address the challenges that arise when this happens, for you both and for the sake of your children.

Once you work out what is bothering you, other people become easier to handle. If the age gap is not a problem for the pair of you, you can firmly shut down banter about that - the Mumsnet classic “Did you mean to be so rude?” or similar. That your MIL says he ought to still be with his first wife is horrendously offensive. Can your DH take her to one side and tell her firmly to cut this out? Will he?

I don’t think it’s the age gap. If you were Oxbridge and wealthy they’d probably not be so rude. That’s on them. Your worth isn’t determined by your income or degree status. You sound like you love each other. Don’t buy into their rudeness. Not helped by your family. Can you get out there a bit and make some new friends?

Your husband is not massively older. You didnt know him as a child so he didnt groom you. You were not the other woman.

I understand the difference in your backgrounds and how long it can take to work this out. You need to focus on what you want for children and how to get there. I wouldnt rule out public school - and for some names are put down at birth. Research some, see if they promote the sort of values you want your children to have. When your children are older involve them in things that give back to the community.

Once your children are a little older consider working part time. Mixing with other children will be good for them and retaining independence good for you.

If people put you down stand up for yourself. Your husband should deal with his mother but just tell her how happy you both are and what lovely children you have together.

Shop where you like - take Princess Kate as a model. She shops at high street stores but also wears designer clothes sometimes. I know her background was more affluent than yours but she's faced some of the same snobbery.

Don’t pass your class anxieties onto your children. The reality of their childhood, and the resources they’ll have access to throughout their lives, won’t be the same as your own, and neither have to be. That your siblings and their children don’t have access to the same opportunities that you and your children do doesn’t mean you should deny yourself and your children, and it’s far from guaranteed that your children would thank you for doing so. You don’t want them to regard you as the mother holding them back.

Similarly, accept your reality now as well. You don’t have to prove anything to your family or indeed his. You don’t have to apologise for who you are or what you have, and frankly it’s pointless doing so. Your birth family won’t suddenly become less resentful because you’re groveling to them and engaging in acts of appeasement towards people who won’t be appeased. In fact, I’ve seen that make it worse because it does come over as entirely performative and desperate. Don’t do that.

Op I can’t offer much advice to you re the marriage and dynamics etc, but in terms of dealing with people on the outside, I’m going to offer you the advice I give my dd who is currently trying to navigate the private school cliques at university:

1. be yourself. The ‘elite’ will sniff out the truth so whatever you do, don’t imitate or pretend to be someone else. Be proud of your background; it is EVERY BIT as worthy as anyone else’s, despite what we British class-obsessed numpties think. A confident person who is comfortable in their own skin is far more appealing than someone who is feeling pressurised to ‘keep up’ and thus faking it. As previous posters have said above, these outwardly-confident types are often just as insecure as anyone else in the jostle for approval and acceptance from the top dogs, and your insecurity will feed theirs and make them scornful, so don’t bow to that pressure.
2. if you find you are still not accepted, then congratulations: you have an in-built filtration system for screening out the nobs who believe that you aren’t worthy of their friendship or company. Thank goodness you don’t have to find out the hard way that you’ve invested time and emotion in developing friendships with snakes.
3. Live your life. Develop your interests and hobbies and cultivate a passion or two. You’ll be far more interesting than someone who wangs on about bloody skiiing, I promise you 😆

I thought you were going to say you were in your early 30s in he was in his 70s!

A 10 -12 year age gap is quite common in men and women due to what seems to the common age of wanting to settle down.

That maturity young girls seem to have over boys of the same age never really evens out over the years.

What you are talking about is a perceived difference in class and established wealth. I think all that matters is how DH treats you, and if he has your back should overs look down on you.

E.g. he is happy for me to be at home for as long as I want, with our children, but I feel really bad for not contributing to the household.

never, ever underestimate your contribution as a wife and mother. Your contribution is priceless.

Just enjoy your marriage and money. Much better than being broke!. You can go back to uni

Just stop these thoughts and start living your life and everyone will shove it. You came without baggage into the marriage, no kids from previous relationship, no debt. It is a genuine marriage and he is not that older. He is still in the prime and I would love the money as an addition to a lovely man.

So if he wasn’t super rich and you had the age gap, would that matter?

if he was super rich but you were closer in age would that matter?

if you had waited 2 more years say to have children would that mean the first 2 didn’t matter?

it is what it is. Your friends are just probably jealous but can’t admit to that so are masking their jealousy through things that they see as non standard for how relationships are meant to be in their view (age gap, upbringing, similar wealth levels)

I think his resources can enable you to do the kind of really socially useful and rewarding job that may not be that well paid - because you can afford to earn less. Stick with being an art therapist if that’s what you love doing.

Secondly, I’d want to make sure your kids feel as comfortable with your family as with his. Spend time with your family and always teach your kids to treat people the same, regardless of how rich they are.

My partner went to Oxbridge (although not posh himself) and I found his uni friends difficult at first. I realized I was bringing my own prejudices into it and took the time to get to know them - some are lovely and some are in their own world/very right leaning. But I make an effort with the ones I like and don't see the ones I don't as much, I don't feel like it's a big deal.

If your left leanings are important to you, don't let them go! You're in a great position to support the charities that you care about either through donations or volunteering. Volunteering will also help you to keep your social circle mixed. Make an effort to stay in touch with family and old friends even if it's awkward sometimes. You can still go out and do 'normal' things with the kids at the park or playgroups or local sports clubs. Read books with the kids with a mix of people and about issues that are important. Be brave and talk about why you care about those things to him and his friends. If you do all that, hopefully your children will be privileged but grow up aware of the other side of life and be kind. (Kinder than the people that are making those rude comments anyway!) And hopefully you'll be happier too because you won't be living a life that's not aligned with your values.

Lastly, his ex wife sounds perfect for him. But she's an ex for a reason! Being a good match on paper isn't enough. Being in a relationship with someone from a different background can be hard but I think you both learn and grow more from it than staying in your bubble.

I think the posters saying that OP is overreacting about the age gap or that she is insecure/immature have forgotten what it’s like to be 30…

Yes 12 years isn’t a massive deal and becomes less so as you get older but I’m 32 and if I or one of my friends had started dating an almost 40 year old at 27 or a 44 year old now there would definitely be eyebrows raised/comments at first although it would probably be light hearted and would die down eventually.

I agree with other posters though that the bigger issue here is class and I completely understand why OP feels inadequate around people of a ‘higher class’ and why she feels uncomfortable living a lavish lifestyle which doesn’t necessarily align with her political view. I went to a private school on a scholarship and, while I’m grateful for the opportunities and academic success it gave me, it was tough at times being surrounded mostly by wealthy people who did their best to make you feel ‘lesser’ for not wearing the right clothes, being able to afford skiing holidays etc. (side note - when making the decision to educate your child privately, from my experience the academic experience was great but everything else was not - bitchiness, poor facilities, no pastoral care/mental health provisions, ‘interesting’ methods of teaching etc. and being surrounded by mostly people of a certain class creates a lot of snobbery so there’s more than just the academic side to consider). I also now work in a well paying job in finance, probably earning more than most of my friends, which I find hard to reconcile with my generally more left leaning views and feel guilty for spending money on more expensive things, so I get the guilt about being able to afford luxuries that your friends/family can’t especially when they don’t align with your political views.

Sorry went off on a bit of a tangent there but OP I think your feelings are perfectly valid and I think the key thing here is communication. I get why it’s awkward talking about money and background but I think you need to address this now and have an honest and open discussion, especially around plans for raising your children as there will be more and more of these sorts of decisions to be made as they get older, not only on education but also how you’re going to approach teaching them about money, how much you spend on gifts, pocket money etc.

OP, I have been married to a very decent man three decades older for 20 years.
There's nothing wrong with this and more importantly, it's nobody's business.
Child free, work free.
You only get as much respect as you demand.

@chalkandpen please don't fall for these comments. Left wing lifestyle? Do you not think the leftwing elite life some of the most lavish lifestyles. Think of BLM organisers, left left left people like Dylan mulvaney etc Left wing politicians live just like their right wing counterparts.
Think of all the socialist countries you now, their presidents live in the same conditions than the normal people.
Sorry no.
All pigs are equal, some are just more equal than others.
This comment, imo is the typical thing you encounter. Also said jokingly, 'what a gold digger' with a laughing face. And now 'ooh you live a right wing lifestyle's with a laughing emoji.
Such tosh. It's almost like gaslighting imo. In the end you have to apologise for the way you live, the man you fell in love with etc.

Not really sure why your complaining or worrying 🤔 your living a great comfy life you and your kids are provided for you love the man your with he loves you.. go on a nice luxury hoiladay if ur stressed lol

The thing is she is facing, and her children will likely face hostility, from those with fewer resources - OP’s birth family included. As much as she doesn’t need to prove herself and/or fit in with her husband’s family and social circle, she doesn’t need to do that with her own family either.

Of course she should look at what individual schools have to offer - you have good and bad in both sectors. I went to private school as well, and i genuinely didn’t experience the negatives you did (I’m not British, and was/am ‘new money’, both of which theoretically make me a prime target for snobbery).

You really need to find your sense of self and be more confident about who you are. Age means nothing but sharing similar values and having similar life goals is important in a relationship, especially if you have children. I'm from a very working class background but now enjoy a pretty middle class life and do so unapologetically. If you can afford better quality then why wouldn't you. However I really wouldn't say private education is always better and I wouldn't have a nanny if I didn't have to work. I'm more likely to hire a home help so I could focus on the children. I wanted my children to have independent thought, feel a connection to their community and grow up with a strong sense of civic responsibility. Now they are both young adults I'm so proud of who they are. What matters to you?

YABU for thinking a 12 year age gap makes him an ‘older’ man. That’s not a particularly large age gap, especially at your ages. I thought you were going to say you were 30 and he was at least 60 or something.

12 years is nothing OP! Relax!

You're being sensitive to other people's judgement. Don't be, because all that matters is that you and your DH are compatible. It sounds as though you are, so ignore the jealous/snobby/whatever critics, who probably have no idea what a happy relationship looks like.

I think it’s natural to be still adjusting OP, but don’t go buggering up your life and marriage by making it more than it is - or by not sorting yourself out.

Get that help with the kids that you can afford (not an FT nanny if you don’t want that) and use the time to think about who you are and what you want to do with your life. Getting a therapist or a life coach to work with is probably your best bet.

You will quite naturally need time to work on this but as you figure out who you are, you will build more confidence and stop putting up with nonsense - whether that’s (your) friends making jibes, or (his) friends assuming theirs is the only world view because they live in a bubble.

Having money often means you can make a big impact on the world, so think about how your you do that - lots of ways to use your art therapy. That could be paid work or not.

You can bring your children up to be responsible citizens, and again, having money makes it easier to have a big impact. There are lots of ways you can give your kids a good understanding of the world through community involvement. You have to work out their education together - private schooling might be a non negotiable for him, but you jointly chose what the school is.

You sound a bit younger than you see OP, and I think that reflects on your current uncertainties. It’s childlike and prejudiced to think (for example) that public school boys are all grim, and I think it’s probably defensiveness that’s making you cling onto that.

It’s also childlike to put up with jibes from your friends - that all needs to stop now. You can be sensitive to their struggles without allowing them to be rude to you. Same with calling your relationship transactional and talking about allowing your husband to pay for things. Your relationship no more transactional than anyone’s and your husbands money is yours - it’s family money. Ditto, your age gap is nothing exceptional.

Face this head on and figure out who you want to be.