Married to a rich older man - feel conflicted

[chalkandpen]

Please don't flame me - first time poster and I have 2 under 2 so quite sleep deprived.

I am 30, married to my DH, 42 We have two sons: DS 20 months, DS 2 1 month.

I love my DH and we've been together since I was 27. However I've been feeling a bit conflicted recently about aspects of our marriage / life.

He is from a very posh, well-off family. Meanwhile I am from a happy lower-middle-class family in Scotland.

We met in London - originally because I rented from his ex-wife's family (!) and then through some work we did on a local committee together. We just clicked and our relationship came very naturally. He was more worried than me of the optics - he was v aware of the age gap and was conscious that others might think he was taking advantage of me. However, we really were drawn to each other, both wanted a family, & started our lives together.

Since then ... we've had so many comments about me being a golddigger, , him getting 'banter' about being with a younger woman, suggestions it's a very transactional relationship (me giving him the children he wanted, him giving me money and a house). I've found it hard to integrate with members of his family, and although my family love him, my sisters have expressed envy / jealousy of how much easier my life is now because of him.

Also we do have some differing opinions - he is def. more right of centre politically, I am left-wing, he assumes our children should have a nanny / private school etc. He also wants to pay for things for me - fancy meals etc - and I['m worried about looking like a trophy wife.

AIBU to feel weird or out of place? His first wife - who he is still good friends with - is also private school, oxbridge, high-flier, & sometimes I think I'm just not 'right' in this relationship, even though we love each other.

Who on earth has called you a gold digger? How extremely rude.

Just relax and stop worrying, and drop the rude friends.

Thank you, that's nice to hear.

We do talk about it, but also these are emotionally charged topics, because it relates to our childhood, upbringing, backgrounds. For example he has a very strong belief in having a nanny because (I think) his was obviously a substitute parental figure, like so many posh families, whereas to me I strongly feel I don't want another person caring for my child as a substitute for me. (His mother didn't really work but they had a nanny anyway)

just give it time, @chalkandpen

don’t look to the past, look forward to where you want to grow into as a family, things will evolve

my beloved late DP was 16 years older than me, everyone thought he’d lucked out because he was very working class and people viewed me as very middle class … but he had a heart of pure gold & I was the one who lucked out

you just have to block out the sourpusses, their values won’t take them anywhere good

enjoy your young family - this time goes so fast - and don’t give anything else a moment’s though. love always wins 🌸

Ah, that is bad of his mother to say that either to him or to you.

My OH had a long term relationship before I was with him, and he is somewhat older than me (not quite as much as your age gap). I felt a bit odd that his parents and siblings had a pre-existing relationship with his ex. There was a shared history that I had no knowledge of. It is tricky. But his family have always been very welcoming of me. Now I've been with my OH for more than twice the time he was with his ex, so I don't even think about it any more.

For the friends and acquaintances that make jibes "in jest" I would knock those back pretty harshly. It's just rude whether they mean it or not.

I think it’s more the British class system rearing its ugly head than the age gap. Stick to your principles. Don’t fall in line with his belief system. Show you’ve got a mind of your own and that you intend to use it. He’ll respect you more for that. You can’t help falling in love with a rich man, but you can definitely keep your principles and ideals even if they are different to his.

He is not even that much older than you. I was expecting a twenty year difference or more. Stop focussing on his age and how rich he is and how inadequate you feel you are. Lots of folk marry much richer, better educated more privileged partners. Its just a matter of adjusmemt and counting your blessing. Stop fretting over this.

Thank you for this. I feel like I was building my confidence in my 20s, then having children has maybe shaken this somewhat. And I can't help comparing myself to his first wife / female friends / acquaintances/ mums at the nursery ; they're mainly older than me, so confident and stylish. Sometimes I feel like I should have some makeover and exclusively wear Reiss, Suzanne & Hobbes & have my nails & hair done all the time. The competition is making me feel a bit insecure.

Life is short, shorter than we realise. Don't respond to negative comments let them hang it's not your job to clean up others mess. Look at your circle and change it for those who are kind and supportive. You haven't done anything wrong and him having money well so what, enjoy your life it's what it's there for. Find something you love be that volunteer or paid and live your life according your values.

Thank you so much @LittleGlowingOblong , and sorry for the loss of your DH.

I do really love my DH and know he loves me. But I do wonder about our children: I used to have so many biases about 'posh public schoolboys' and now they will be my children. I want to invest my values in them, but the culture of poshness just feels so strong.

@chalkandpen have a good think about what you should prioritise in your life.
A husband who loves and cares for you. Tick. Two healthy children. Tick.

Let everything else in your life follow the natural order after that.

As for the detractors, they're at the very bottom of the heap. You haven't stepped on anyone's toes and who his mother thinks he should be married to now isn't her choice.

Congratulations on your new baby. Make sure you spend as much time as you want to with the children. You and DH will have to have some deep heart to hearts about the upbringing you want for them and it shouldn't necessarily follow anything that's gone before. You need to impress upon him, catering to your children's strengths and needs rather than just following a course because of history.

One thing I would say is that being young and having the opportunities, perhaps you could use this in time, to do some training in something socially responsible that appeals to you whether you use it for work, or volunteering, when the time's right.

Those comments are unacceptable, having money and being 'posh' doesn't give them the right to put you down like this and write if off as 'banter'. Ignore them and don't let them get to you.

The irony of being left wing whilst enjoying a right wing lifestyle! 😂

your children are both under 2, so don’t spoil today worrying too soon about prep schools etc!

my late partner and I had a similar clash (and I think I may still face that clash with my in-laws down the line)

what I would suggest is that your probably both under the sway of preconceptions. have you ever been to a private school open day? has he ever visited a comprehensive? non-posh private schools do exist.

it sounds like both your backgrounds are so different, you’re both going to have to agree to keep an open mind. it will be a journey for both of you, hopefully, and leave you both with less-polarised views.

FWIW: I don’t like posh culture either - I deplore the mediocre self-entitlement of it. But I do believe strongly in as good an education as possible. Private schools may be better for very sporty or very musical children, state schools may be better for sociable children well rooted in their community. Wait and see, I’d suggest!

I know, that's how I feel! I think this came to a head a few months ago for this reason - while quite heavily pregnant I went to a lunch with some very left-wing friends, who made quite a lot of 'jokes' around my new lifestyle.

Then if I refuse to let my DH pay for extra things, he sometimes gets a bit offended too

Yes - I think we both need to meet in the middle.
I've found that his family./ his views seem to be more 'backed up' by money. Like, having this or that thing is 'better' because it's just the way we've done things, it's better quality etc. I mean, I feel a bit ridiculous sometimes taking my son to Lidl or Tesco instead of Waitrose so he can see where normal people shop, just because it's where we shopped in my childhood

Thank you. yes , I feel very grateful for what I have.

I will start thinking more about whatI can use this space for in the future, when my baby is older. My DH just seems quite ambivalent about me working again - like it doesn't really matter, because he can just pay for both of us, or his family can. But then I don't want to be totally financially dependent on him.

You sound emotionally a lot younger than your age, older man, shopping at Tesco instead of Waitrose??

You are coming across as a little immature in your thinking.

@chalkandpen I think as long as you’re more or less happy with your DP’s values then it will be okay in the long run.

whenever I disagreed with my DP I told myself it was creative friction; and now with my DC and my in-laws I tell myself it’s good that he gets a more hybrid view of reality, not a cloned version of mine. but you both have to respect each other.

there’s no law against being posh and shopping in Lidl!

the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world…

I think my main bit of advice would be to make the most of your circumstances in terms of building/continuing a career for yourself. So pay for childcare to train and get experience so that you can have a fulfilling future career when the kids are older.

Just enjoy your life and your family, stop listening to the negative ‘chatter’ . A 12 year gap is nothing .

That's... not that much of a gap?

And anyone suggesting he took advantage of you is being outright offensive. You were 27 not 17.

Oh - - and shop where the hell you like - I mean seriously it doesn’t matter ! I totally agree though with spending time and money at some point to follow a career and become financially more independent - for your own self esteem and as a role model to your children.

What if someone doesn't want to work and likes staying at home?

I wonder if his family would be less weird if you were his first wife?

I'm not saying anything about age gap relationships, but when a middle aged man goes from a wife who is more like his peer to a much younger one people tend to talk.

Also married with 2 kids in 3 years is fast by anyone's standards. Another thing people will talk/ raise eyebrows. Why are you both locking each other in so quickly?

Honestly I don't care what people think of me and nor should you. I'm only saying that response isn't unusual.

You will find you don't fit in in both sides now, your peers having families on a smaller budget and feeling working class within his circles.
Some people this won't mean a thing and for others it will cause a rift or perhaps a drift.
You will find your people though and anyone worth keeping in your circle will be apparent.
It's s a good way to figure out who's not your real friend.

You sound a little insecure and your husband sounds a little dismissive of your values and opinions.

Money doesn't buy happiness and it doesn't sound as though you are particularly happy despite the money.

A respectful relationship where you feel equal to your partner is worth more than any amount of money.