Married to a rich older man - feel conflicted

[chalkandpen]

Please don't flame me - first time poster and I have 2 under 2 so quite sleep deprived.

I am 30, married to my DH, 42 We have two sons: DS 20 months, DS 2 1 month.

I love my DH and we've been together since I was 27. However I've been feeling a bit conflicted recently about aspects of our marriage / life.

He is from a very posh, well-off family. Meanwhile I am from a happy lower-middle-class family in Scotland.

We met in London - originally because I rented from his ex-wife's family (!) and then through some work we did on a local committee together. We just clicked and our relationship came very naturally. He was more worried than me of the optics - he was v aware of the age gap and was conscious that others might think he was taking advantage of me. However, we really were drawn to each other, both wanted a family, & started our lives together.

Since then ... we've had so many comments about me being a golddigger, , him getting 'banter' about being with a younger woman, suggestions it's a very transactional relationship (me giving him the children he wanted, him giving me money and a house). I've found it hard to integrate with members of his family, and although my family love him, my sisters have expressed envy / jealousy of how much easier my life is now because of him.

Also we do have some differing opinions - he is def. more right of centre politically, I am left-wing, he assumes our children should have a nanny / private school etc. He also wants to pay for things for me - fancy meals etc - and I['m worried about looking like a trophy wife.

AIBU to feel weird or out of place? His first wife - who he is still good friends with - is also private school, oxbridge, high-flier, & sometimes I think I'm just not 'right' in this relationship, even though we love each other.

I don't this is really to do with age but about different finances/background. You sound very sensitive about it and maybe you are interpretation of comments is harsher than intended.

You have young children, you've been through big life changes one after another, from single to married, from not much money to money no problem, from no children to one, from one child to two. That is massive in 3 years.

Give yourself, and others, time to adjust.

You are bringing up his kids allowing him to continue his career, what he earns is yours

I think OP, that you’re more sensitive and focused on the odd comments that some people make, because you are still finding the change of lifestyle very noticeable and haven’t fully adapted to it yet to feel comfortable with it. You are constantly aware of stuff you now have that you didn’t previously and it both pleases you and makes you feel conflicted. I suspect that perhaps you talk about this stuff with people - mention the fact your DH is an older man and his wealth and difference to what you’ve come from. I suspect you mention it because it’s in the forefront of your mind a lot…and by mentioning it and wanting to talk about it, it invites others to comment.

As others say, 42 isn’t a big age gap particularly. Being a SAHM to small children isn’t particularly unusual. So perhaps you’re making the differences a bigger thing than they need to be because in your mind they are….and others pick up on the fact you feel like this. It’s actually in your head more than that of others, but one of the ways you’re dealing with it is to focus your attention on others being critical, when in fact you feel a bit uncomfortable yourself.

Essentially, you have to own your choices and life. Own your relationship as genuine and your family as genuine. Be grateful for the fortunate economic position you’re in, but do t feel you have to apologise for it. Own it, but don’t make it a discussion point with friends. They won’t be bringing it up if you don’t seem interested to talk about it or quickly close it down. And think about your future life together. At the moment your kids are tiny and you may well want to be a SAHM. Think about what you’d like when they’re both at school - will you want to work then or volunteer or get invovled in other stuff? You can have a life if you’re choosing too. Chat with your DH about it all and work it out together. He sounds supportive and great. See yourself as an equal and not an inexperienced child bowing to an adults superior experience. You have been an adult for many years and are a mother and perfectly capable. He is older and he makes the money but you are equals in the relationship. Know that and behave like it.

Your relationship sounds good. It doesn’t sound like he tries to control you or to treat you as a child or dependent. If there is any sense of that, you need to take some control and make sure you express your thoughts and opinions and equality within the relationship. Age and money making don’t put someone in charge. They shouldn’t make him feel in charge, but equally you shouting feel or behave as a subordinate…perhaps you are?? Do you feel his age and money means you have to cow tow to him in some way…sometimes women choose to do this when men don’t even ask for it. Sometimes it’s a cultural thing.

So be glad for the positives in your life and think about your mindset and situation now and thoughts about the future. It sounds like it could be really bright. Make sure you enjoy what you have and build a future.

You've two very young children, it's tough and emotional - things will get better, so don't let this affect what sounds like a good relationship.

Re his mother and the ex-W - she wouldn't be an ex if everything in their relationship was rosy. She's not better than you just because they have the same background.

Ensure you have life assurance in place, are married ( no pre nups) separate pension and savings in your name and access to your own money if you stay at home. Don’t fall into the trap of assuming everything will always be perfect. Plan for worst case scenario and ensure you are protected.

Include your family and old friends in your good fortune. Reassure them you haven’t changed just because you are financially more comfortable. Share your life with them. They will get used to it.

You are between two worlds and it is hard in the early years, but use your assets to follow your own dreams, travel, study and have a lifestyle you want - staying close to your own values.

Be kind, courteous and warm to your husband’s family without sharing too much them that is personal.

You can only be one a trophy wife if you become compliant to the idea. Remain yourself, politically and in all ways. Have respect for other views but don’t compromise yourself by wishing to fit in at all costs. If you surround yourself with good people you won’t need to become something you are not.

Have fun, enjoy it op: you only live once.

The longer you are together the less you will hear the comments.

I agree - you have so much good in your life, enjoy it

I'm curious as to why MIL thinks he should still be with his ex wife?

Presumably they weren't happy!

Was she of the right "class" Op?

Would it have mattered if she was 12 yrs younger?

Don't wear Reiss and Hobbs :) its so boring. but you don’t have to wear Primark or Zara either.
You are an artist! You are cool! (So much cooler than career types in my eyes and Im a lawyer). You can wear cool independent designers because you can afford it (and thereby support them too!)

Left wing people can be just as dickish about class and money as right wing. Sometimes even more. Tell them to cut it out - its rude. If they continue, they are not your friends in reality

Agree - particularly as they met when OP was an independent adult.

Had they been together since she was 14 or something it would have been worrying

Relax and enjoy yourself op
Be grateful and don't care about the naysayers

It’s really nothing about age and everything about class. If you were a posh artist, from money (not the same as having money), you would be welcomed just fine.

Maybe spend less time with his family and what they think, and focus on raising your children.

Op when young, l threw away a very wonderful relationship once with a truly lovely man who adored me and wanted to marry and have a family with me, because of the reasons you feel uncomfortable....now l look back at how stupid l was...he was the love of my life........who cares life is short and you deserve to be happy.
From the wisdom of 20 years past....

My advice..toughen up fast
Learn to be comfortable shutting down negative comments sharply from so called friends. ie....
I find it rude when you make comments like that.
I love my DH and will not listen to negative comments about our life together.
That is not funny, if you are my friend you will be happy that l am happy with my DH.

Hold your head up high, keep an open mind about his upbringing and yours and accept they are just different. Rise above your own prejudices. Cut him some slack with his, as long as you have genuine love between you this does not matter. Acceptance is the key. You will learn a lot from each other.

Good luck .....oh and did l say toughen up? and have confidence in who you and he are together.

I think it’s one of those situations where you need to ignore others comments. It’s no one else’s business but yours and his. You definitely do not sound like a gold digger. It sounds like you found each other. Keep communicating with him how you feel. Personally I wouldn’t want a nanny but would be happy with a cleaner. Private schools could mean smaller classes etc which may not be a bad thing. Relationships are about compromise if you can both meet in the middle I think you will be fine.

Typical Scottish Calvinist, You really are entitled to have a loving Husband that wants nothing but the best for you. You are not getting ideas above your station or any of the other tripe. It is bred into us Scots that we must bloody suffer. You have a lovely life, enjoy it and forget all the claptrap. You are worthy.

You’re in a perfect position to follow a passion then and turn it into a business/career.

I certainly wouldn’t stay not earning in your situation

i also assumed he was in his 70’s then laughed at 42!

Same here. I know plenty of people with similar age gaps. Some of them are the women older than the men. This is barely remarkable.

Stop worrying. You sound like a great match. I know couples with bigger age gaps who are very happy. Rehearse a response for next time people comment to make it clear this is a marriage based on love.

you’ve given him the gift of children

?? I assume that's not come across how it was intended! it's not a gift or something to him, it's new family members

When I saw the title of the thread I was expecting a 25 year old married to a 55 year old or something...

OP this is not a big age gap at all.

It sounds like people are just jealous of your relationship and your lovely family.

Frankly anyone who makes such comments is not a friend.

I would be really upfront and more assertive next time anyone, whether family or 'friend', makes one of these shitty comment and tell them clearly you will not tolerate anymore of this nonsense.

Distance yourself from negative people and focus on enjoying your life.

Sounds a bit like the relationship equivalent of imposter syndrome.

I too was expecting you to say he was 30 years older than you 😂 12 years is nothing! I know lots of people with similar age gaps. It’s not a big deal.

Are you sure you’re not subconsciously judging his family and friends? It sounds a bit like it tbh. Or perhaps you’re judging yourself? Do you love him? Well, crack on then! It would be a complete idiot who threw away a relationship for socialist ideals. You’re too invested in your socialist pride. There are plenty of socialists with loads of money (look at some of the Labour Party 😄).

When I meet people, I don’t think about their class or how much money they’ve got. It’s all about whether they’re nice people or not, and whether we gel.

I think you secretly feel you’ve somehow betrayed some nebulous socialist principles so are torturing yourself for no reason. Your friends who are commenting are probably jealous and have picked up on this. Put them out of your mind. In fact, put the whole thing out of your mind as you’re putting a totally unnecessary wedge between you and your DH. Concentrate on your family; treat everyone nicely, no matter how much or how little money they’ve got; and live your life.

I would love to put you in touch with my SIL, who 11 years ago had to retire from her much-loved and rewarding career to care for her husband, more than 20 years her senior. He had a stroke at the age of 81, and although he made a partial recovery he couldn't be left at home on his own. My SIL is going to be 70 this year and is a sprightly, fit woman who has been completely exhausted and worn down by the years of caring for her now-93-year-old husband who tells anyone who'll listen that he's planning to live to 100. He's very wobbly on his feet, deaf and bad-tempered a lot of the time. My SIL is a very discreet woman who rarely gives anything away, but this Christmas she was noticeably depressed and admitted to another family member that she'd assumed she'd be a widow in her 60s and could enjoy retirement travelling and pursuing her hobbies. Instead of which she's a full-time carer for a grumpy old man and her 60s have slid past in a haze of stairlifts, hospital visits and tablet-administration.

although my family love him, my sisters have expressed envy / jealousy of how much easier my life is now because of him.

I think you have identified the problem.