Married to a rich older man - feel conflicted

[chalkandpen]

Please don't flame me - first time poster and I have 2 under 2 so quite sleep deprived.

I am 30, married to my DH, 42 We have two sons: DS 20 months, DS 2 1 month.

I love my DH and we've been together since I was 27. However I've been feeling a bit conflicted recently about aspects of our marriage / life.

He is from a very posh, well-off family. Meanwhile I am from a happy lower-middle-class family in Scotland.

We met in London - originally because I rented from his ex-wife's family (!) and then through some work we did on a local committee together. We just clicked and our relationship came very naturally. He was more worried than me of the optics - he was v aware of the age gap and was conscious that others might think he was taking advantage of me. However, we really were drawn to each other, both wanted a family, & started our lives together.

Since then ... we've had so many comments about me being a golddigger, , him getting 'banter' about being with a younger woman, suggestions it's a very transactional relationship (me giving him the children he wanted, him giving me money and a house). I've found it hard to integrate with members of his family, and although my family love him, my sisters have expressed envy / jealousy of how much easier my life is now because of him.

Also we do have some differing opinions - he is def. more right of centre politically, I am left-wing, he assumes our children should have a nanny / private school etc. He also wants to pay for things for me - fancy meals etc - and I['m worried about looking like a trophy wife.

AIBU to feel weird or out of place? His first wife - who he is still good friends with - is also private school, oxbridge, high-flier, & sometimes I think I'm just not 'right' in this relationship, even though we love each other.

You sound like my DH. I wish he didn’t: m and s food is nicer .😋

I didn’t see the original comment that this was in response to, but just want to second that “normal” people shop at Waitrose lol! I often shop at Waitrose and I am by no means financially well off, we have one car between us and we can’t afford to go on holiday every year or even every two years or three years (I’m talking about UK here not jetting off anywhere). I get this is a lot better off than many people but food is a priority to me I’ll pay extra for good quality chicken for example, I don’t do all my shopping here I couldn’t afford to. I also wanted to point out that Waitrose is a cooperative that shares its profits with the work force so I don’t feel it’s anti socialist or elitist shopping here.

My husband is 14 years older than me, he moved in with 8k debt lol so I'm no gold digger.

It really isn't a big difference I'd stop making a thing of it, it may make hubby feel awkward.

Anyone says anything just smile and say well he's a very young 42 we get on really well - don't let them see you think.

The sooner you careless about what others think the happier you will all be.

I think you need to stop over analysing and framing your relationship from the viewpoint of others.

You’re only 12 years apart, it isn’t a lot and it will become less of an issue as you age. In any event you are now married and have two young children.

Relative to family, hate to say it but once parents have passed, siblings drift away and their input is overall lesser than it was.

Don’t let others jealousy get you down.

Enjoy your relationship and a bit of spoiling from your husband. It’s wonderful that your children will have a private school education and so much opportunity. Be glad of it they are secure and have a good father who wants the best for them.

All sounds great.

That's what I thought. A man being married to a woman 12 years younger isn't unusual. I know a guy who is married to a woman 15 years older than him. My uncle is 12 years older than my aunt. 25 or 30 years is a bit odd, I guess, but 12 is nothing.

Sounds to me like he loves you and that you love him. I have mixed with upper class Eton-Oxbridge types. Some are vile and live up to the stereotype, but many are lovely – good-humoured, self-mocking, and often riddled with guilt at their privilege. Don't project your own prejudices onto them. I say that as someone from a working-class background. When I was younger I had all sorts of silly, nasty prejudices about 'rich people'. But then I grew up and realised I was being unfair. People can't help their background. We have no say over where we are born. You have to judge individuals as individuals.

There are many lonely, unhappy people out there who struggle to find love. You have found it – don't mess it up because of your own insecurities. The best way to deal with people like that is to be yourself and make a joke of your background. That's what I used to do. Once you do that, they will relax. Remember, his family may be shy around you. They may be worried that you won't like or accept them.

Also, you write that he is 'right of centre'. Is that such a big deal? The real question is what's he like as a human being? Does he feel sorry for the homeless girl at then end of the street? Does he have a heart? The fact that he was worried people might think he was taking advantage of you suggests he's got a sense of honour/principles. Some of the finest human beings I know are conservatives. And being left-wing sure as hell doesn't make you good. That repulsive, jabbering, narcissistic predator Russell Brand is left-wing.

Well my brother and wife have a bigger gap and I don't see what's wrong some people are for it some against but me if your in love then why does it matter

OP I really think you should keep your hand in this. Even if you only do it part time and it doesn’t cover the cost of paying a nanny for the relevant hours. It’s about keeping your identity and own agenda. It may cost more in childcare than you actually make but in your family’s case it doesn’t actually matter. Don’t waste time feeling guilty about the things that someone else can’t afford to do. The fact is that you can. There’ll always be someone better and worse off than you. Keep your principles of course but don’t shoot your self in the foot out of misplaced guilt. I can totally understand that your new situation is a lot to get your head around. Lots of god advice on this thread. Good luck :)

The older I get, the more certain I become that the real basis of happiness is not giving a monkeys about the opinion of others and just lead your life as you want to lead it.

OP, forgot to say this to you, make sure you claim child benefit - you won’t get it but will have underlying entitlement which will contribute to your state pension ni contributions.

Don’t know if you have a prenup? If you aren’t working is he contributing to a private pension for you or investment so you aren’t losing out during this time you are sacrificing to be with the children?

My partner is 10 years older. He was the higher earner and now I am and we have two kids and both work full time so I dont think age comes into it, its how you feel personally. Do you act in a certain way like expect designer clothes?, does he pay for everything? Do you let him? J have good friends with husbands in the extremely high income bracket who still work and don't let their husbands pay for everything or buy loads of expensive gifts for example as they dont want to feel bought and paid for. Do you have your income or career or are you planning to once the kids are at school? If not then maybe work towards that for your own self worth and then you will be able to brush off these comments a lot easier if you know yourself you arent living off him and are contributing, doesnt have to be equal but make sure you have your own thing going on for your security and peace of mind .

I don't think it's the age gap that's the issue here, more that you have differing values and socioeconomic backgrounds

Also you mentioed multiple times you are a socialist, feel bad etc. Well do something about it, find some work in a charity. Put your kids in local comprehensive, dont socialise with his posh set friends, you dont have to live your life in his way becuase you are married to him. No, you are still you. Do what you think is right, not what you think he wants.

You're making your own problems. Stop it, relax and enjoy being with your loving family (DH & DCs). Nothing, and nobody else matters as much as your family unit does. So yes, YABU.

Hi there
I am somewhat similar without the age gap. I had a normal home, decent Income and nice enough car when I met my hubby. He told me a few months in he had completed on a house and took me to look at It. That's when I realised he was alot more financially comfortable than I was.
We are married. Have 5 kids and it never crosses my mind now? We are in the house and enjoy raising our family here.
We will use to to ensure our kids have a help to get onto the property ladder also.
Stop overthinking it all 🙂
My ex was 13 years older than me. It didn't work out but that's me. I'm sure there are many age gap ones that do. X

What’s the Reiss, Hobbs, Sezanne reference about - they are just high street stores really ? Hobbs for the more mature lady, Reiss for that mid 20/early 30’s age and Sezane for all ages but certainly not labels that the very wealthy to covet.

To me it sounds more like you are feeling disconnected from your family because you are now in a different income level to them and maybe they are resenting this. Perhaps too, for years you may have sneered at people who went to private schools but now realise they are just ordinary/normal people like yourself. And you know, wealthy people do shop in Tesco and Aldi too, so you don’t need to shop there just to give your children a dose of reality.

You may have access to more money now than you ever had but you will still have the same life experiences as everyone else - births, deaths, poor health, illnesses, relationship worries, children’s friendship issues, perhaps bullying, educational worries, etc, etc, etc,

Just start openly making your own observations about their lives and when they get offended, just say ohh I thought it was acceptable as ypu always stick your nose in mine 😅

But seriously, f them and enjoy your life and accept the easier, have a backup plan for yourself so you aren't 100% dependant and then chill out and enjoy life together x

I think the bigger problem is not being aligned on parenting. You need to get on the same page now before they get older and you get bulldozed with money as a weapon into raising your children in a way you don't want to. Also take it from someone that's been married for 15 years, don't avoid emotional charged topics - you hash it out until it's solved. Otherwise resentment and distance develops.

I think you need to have a few proper sit downs with your DH and explicitly discuss the values that are most important to you. THEN you can decide what sorts of schools, childcare, consumption patterns matter to instilling those values, and which ones don’t.

I come from a very comfort upper-middle-class family. My DH is solidly middle class too. We both now earn triple figures, so have the ABILITY to have quite a lavish lifestyle.

Our values:

• honour God and our families
• treat others as we wish to be treated
• celebrate difference and cultivate empathy
• protect the environment

What this has meant in child rearing:

• a weekly schedule designed around religious gatherings, friend time and family time
• no conspicuous consumption: we drive a beaten-up minivan, bicycle or take public transit instead of driving when possible, our DCs wear second-hand clothes often well beyond when they start having holes (…also, how do kids get so many holes in stuff???), no flashy holidays
• The DCs go to the local state school and we love it
• we have a nanny 2x per week who helps with meal prep, laundry, some childcare (especially when one of us is travelling for work), but otherwise daycare / after-school-programme

Just because we have money doesn’t mean we are forced to spend it in a way unaligned with our values. What we DO appreciate our money for:

• we can live in a nice house in a leafy part of town
• we don’t ever need to stress about bills (honestly, this lack of stress is what I consider the greatest privilege of wealth)
• we can give generously to causes that matter to us
• we can save enough to be able to retire at a decent age, if we want to
• we can give our kids healthy food, and not stress if a two-year-old spills chia seeds or flings salmon off the table

Because so many of our friends are through our work, our church, or our kids’ school, we don’t feel any pressure to keep up with crazy lifestyles, because those are the lives our friends are living. I also have zero working mum guilt because my DCs don’t know a single person with a SAHP, so that’s a definite advantage. ;-)

Money can really taint relationships. Please, please talk to your DH to make it clear, together, how you want to treat it.

Stop analysing start living. You have two children and a loving husband. Just accept the change and embrace it. It really doesn't matter what other people think or say. Don't look for problems where there are none. If anyone makes a remark or has a dig at you just smile and say aren't I lucky a wonderful husband and two beautiful children. ❤️
This your life enjoy it.

You have the best chance here of giving your children a really properly balanced up-bringing - you and your DH can bring the best bits of both your backgrounds, values and politics into a truly balanced house. Please try to put your energies into your kids and DH, and less into the things you can't do much about - jealousy from your family/friends and snobbery from his (both are as bad as each other!). Relax and enjoy your life - you deserve it!

so he can see where normal people shop

😂😂😂

Take him to Asda and Aldi!! Much better for this sort of life lesson.

That age gap is nothing!

Heavens, I thought you were going to say DH is 76! Even then... does it really matter?

Who did you get married for? Other people? No, yourselves, and both of you knew it.

Different political opinions are actually good. In any case, you probably have the far better education (Scottish state school, as long as it was not recent, versus his posh school where they probably just teach the kids to parrot 2-3 Latin phrases to impress gullible others, like Boris Johnson).

There is NO reason to feel conflicted. Congratulations on your DC, by the way. xxx

Money creates big differences between people and your feelings are understandable, both with regards your husband and your friends and family. The wealthy and the not wealthy are really from two "different countries" so it's a bit like moving to a new country when you suddenly have a big change in financial circumstances - it's a big adjustment and it can take time to learn how to build relationships, and even when you "go home", it's not quite the same any more! Anyone who disagrees, I'm sorry but that is naive. There is a huge difference in the world you move in with wealth vs the world you move in without it.

I would spend some of your money on counselling to work through this with an expert. It will be a great investment. Especially regards your marriage.

I think you’ve played it perfectly 😂 to have got a set up like that with a man you actually love and who loves you…. loads of people will be jealous and spiteful!

I once had a bf who was a little older than me and got lots of little comments too although the age difference wasn’t huge. One woman told me that I shouldn’t be swimming in a pool of men in their 40s when I was in my 30s because it was so hard for women in their 40s to “compete”. She had a single friend and it was all my fault! People can be so weird…