I thought weekend treat. He thought demanding bitch!

tedtalkstome · 2024-03-22T20:23:19+00:00

AIBU? Every weekday morning I get up first, sort the kitchen, feed the dog and take a cuppa up to my partner (he works from home so more leisurely morning than me and kids). On the weekends, he likes to get up early and I love a lie-in. He usually waits until he hears movement then brings me up a cuppa. I love this and feel like it's a real treat! I scroll social media, read a bit and get up mid morning (I work long stressful hours and he's chosen not to. I'm totally fine with that). Sometimes he sits in the office on a weekend morning and doesn't hear me get up so I might send a message asking if he's on the coffee run. He's great and always brings me one. I feel very spoilt by this and love it. This morning he was getting up before me as going in to work on a rare day in. I asked him if he would bring me up a coffee. He was a bit grumpy and said that I was demanding coffee without even saying good morning to him, like I do every weekend. I was really taken back as thought he was happy to bring me a weekend coffee. I questioned this and he said I have no consideration for how this makes him feel. Like I don't care about him just a morning cuppa. It's a completely first world problem. It's ridiculous but I'm just so surprised that our perspective is so skewed! I honestly thought I did coffees in the week, he treated me at weekends. I got a bit stroppy and just got up left...without coffee. Very childish, I'm aware! AIBU to think he's being a bit of a petty twat???

VeniVidiWeeWee · 22/03/2024 20:27

No. In mumsnet terms he really needs to leave you.

5128gap · 22/03/2024 20:28

I'd say you caught him in a bad mood because he had to go to the office, and he was irritable with you. Then instead of just admitting that, he doubled down and tried to think of a justication for his irritability and came up with that. I'm sure if he thought you demanding and resented making you one or two coffees (to the 5 you make him!) he'd have moaned before now.

Thepossibility · 22/03/2024 20:29

I'd stop bringing him coffee.

HippeePrincess · 22/03/2024 20:30

Leave the bastard and get a coffee machine on your bedside table ☺️

AlisonDonut · 22/03/2024 20:32

Yeah, that would be the last coffee I took him in bed.

What a dickhead.

sprigatito · 22/03/2024 20:33

I'd stop making him coffee. He clearly takes your kindness for granted and sees it as a service he's entitled to rather than something to be reciprocated. Selfish pig.

ohpumpkinseeds · 22/03/2024 20:36

5128gap · 22/03/2024 20:28

I'd say you caught him in a bad mood because he had to go to the office, and he was irritable with you. Then instead of just admitting that, he doubled down and tried to think of a justication for his irritability and came up with that. I'm sure if he thought you demanding and resented making you one or two coffees (to the 5 you make him!) he'd have moaned before now.

Exactly. Have a cuddle and make up OP.

And enjoy your coffee in the morning seeing as it's Saturday

Fannyfiggs · 22/03/2024 20:39

So you get him a coffee five days a week. He gets you a coffee two days a week and in doing so it makes him feel that you only care about the coffee and not him?

Has he heard himself?

I do agree with @5128gap though, I think he was grumpy and took it out on you which isn't fair. I'm sure he'll apologise to you when he's had time to think about it.

toomanyy · 22/03/2024 20:40

Fannyfiggs · 22/03/2024 20:39

So you get him a coffee five days a week. He gets you a coffee two days a week and in doing so it makes him feel that you only care about the coffee and not him?

Has he heard himself?

I do agree with @5128gap though, I think he was grumpy and took it out on you which isn't fair. I'm sure he'll apologise to you when he's had time to think about it.

It appears he’s yet another selfish male who expects to be waited on but begrudges reciprocating.

Time to stop his weekday cuppas.

toomanyy · 22/03/2024 20:41

sprigatito · 22/03/2024 20:33

I'd stop making him coffee. He clearly takes your kindness for granted and sees it as a service he's entitled to rather than something to be reciprocated. Selfish pig.

💯

betterangels · 22/03/2024 20:43

toomanyy · 22/03/2024 20:40

It appears he’s yet another selfish male who expects to be waited on but begrudges reciprocating.

Time to stop his weekday cuppas.

Edited

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Yes, he could make his own coffee from now on.

grinandslothit · 22/03/2024 20:47

So he's okay with bringing you the coffee as long as he's not in any way inconvenienced. What a gem.

If you're working long hours during the week, why are you doing everything?

unlikelychump · 22/03/2024 20:49

I'm in a similar situation. My DH used to being he area when the kids were babies. He tends to get up first in the week to sit on the loo for hours.

I think he now resents bringing me one but it seems so final to stop that neither of us want to broach it and fall out about it. So it rumbles on awkwardly.

Original poster

tedtalkstome · 22/03/2024 20:52

He's generally a lovely partner. Although there is a petty streak at times...think it's possibly because he doesn't have children (I have two) and he's just never needed to put anyone else first.
I was previously with someone (children's dad) who was very good a saying awful things to me and somehow making it seem like it was my fault. Divorced 10 years now!
Think it just caught me unexpectedly as I usually feel very loved and appreciated. Made me question myself and it felt a bit like id suddenly questioned myself again. Felt a bit triggering! Although I hate that expression!

OP posts:

Bumblebeeinatree · 22/03/2024 20:52

Well if he feels it's an imposition for him to get you a weekend coffee it must be equally so for you to get his weekday coffees, just give this all up and each get your own, not a big deal

Original poster

tedtalkstome · 22/03/2024 20:53

Bumblebeeinatree · 22/03/2024 20:52

Well if he feels it's an imposition for him to get you a weekend coffee it must be equally so for you to get his weekday coffees, just give this all up and each get your own, not a big deal

Maybe that's the way forward!!

OP posts:

Original poster

tedtalkstome · 22/03/2024 20:56

There was a comment about the fact I just bring him one in the week but I 'demand' him to bring me one at the weekend. I don't. I really don't!!
I think perhaps I'll wait to be asked from now on! See how that works out!

OP posts:

Fannyfiggs · 22/03/2024 20:56

tedtalkstome · 22/03/2024 20:56

There was a comment about the fact I just bring him one in the week but I 'demand' him to bring me one at the weekend. I don't. I really don't!!
I think perhaps I'll wait to be asked from now on! See how that works out!

Has he apologised ted?

theduchessofspork · 22/03/2024 20:56

Relationships are build on communication - he’d like to be asked how he is / what he’s planning when he brings you coffee - it’s not a big deal, just do it.

DefenestratingZebra · 22/03/2024 20:59

DH once mentioned that he didn't like the way me, who worked full time and was pregnant and had a toddler, had ironed his shirt. I have never ironed anything of his ever since in the twenty one years since that comment.

Swap ironing for coffee and you're there.

hellsBells246 · 22/03/2024 20:59

Every weekday morning I get up first, sort the kitchen, feed the dog and take a cuppa up to my partner (he works from home so more leisurely morning than me and kids). ... I work long stressful hours and he's chosen not to. I'm totally fine with that).

Hmm. How do you split household finances? You work more hours than he does and you also get up early each day to clean the kitchen, take the dog out and bring him a coffee - is the division of labour fair?!

Btw here he is BU

Original poster

tedtalkstome · 22/03/2024 21:11

hellsBells246 · 22/03/2024 20:59

Every weekday morning I get up first, sort the kitchen, feed the dog and take a cuppa up to my partner (he works from home so more leisurely morning than me and kids). ... I work long stressful hours and he's chosen not to. I'm totally fine with that).

Hmm. How do you split household finances? You work more hours than he does and you also get up early each day to clean the kitchen, take the dog out and bring him a coffee - is the division of labour fair?!

Btw here he is BU

Due to my hours and salary, we have a cleaner. But everyday clear-up, is me. Other 'stuff' is split. Cooking equal, I do all laundry. He does bins!
If I work from home, I use it as an opportunity to do other 'bits' between work (stick on a load of laundry, empty and refill dishwasher) but generally doesn't cross his mind to do that.
Sometimes feels he points out all the things he does but no idea about the things I just do (was a single mum for ten years so just got on with it! He's never had that experience, that's not his fault, but different perspectives and pressures/responsibilities. I think I probably just accept it's different. I have told him how bloody lucky he is to have a lovely home, kids that think the world of him and a home in the country!
Somethings I'm not great at appreciating my own worth!

OP posts:

Original poster

tedtalkstome · 22/03/2024 21:14

hellsBells246 · 22/03/2024 20:59

Every weekday morning I get up first, sort the kitchen, feed the dog and take a cuppa up to my partner (he works from home so more leisurely morning than me and kids). ... I work long stressful hours and he's chosen not to. I'm totally fine with that).

Hmm. How do you split household finances? You work more hours than he does and you also get up early each day to clean the kitchen, take the dog out and bring him a coffee - is the division of labour fair?!

Btw here he is BU

Lion's share of finances mine. I pay mortgage and all bills. He pays a monthly amount to me and then picks up other bits like a grocery shop or something we need.

OP posts:

toomanyy · 22/03/2024 21:15

tedtalkstome · 22/03/2024 20:56

There was a comment about the fact I just bring him one in the week but I 'demand' him to bring me one at the weekend. I don't. I really don't!!
I think perhaps I'll wait to be asked from now on! See how that works out!

I hope this means you’re stopping his weekday coffees?

toomanyy · 22/03/2024 21:16

tedtalkstome · 22/03/2024 21:14

Lion's share of finances mine. I pay mortgage and all bills. He pays a monthly amount to me and then picks up other bits like a grocery shop or something we need.

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Are you married?