I thought weekend treat. He thought demanding bitch!

[tedtalkstome]

AIBU?
Every weekday morning I get up first, sort the kitchen, feed the dog and take a cuppa up to my partner (he works from home so more leisurely morning than me and kids).
On the weekends, he likes to get up early and I love a lie-in. He usually waits until he hears movement then brings me up a cuppa. I love this and feel like it's a real treat! I scroll social media, read a bit and get up mid morning (I work long stressful hours and he's chosen not to. I'm totally fine with that).
Sometimes he sits in the office on a weekend morning and doesn't hear me get up so I might send a message asking if he's on the coffee run. He's great and always brings me one. I feel very spoilt by this and love it.
This morning he was getting up before me as going in to work on a rare day in. I asked him if he would bring me up a coffee.
He was a bit grumpy and said that I was demanding coffee without even saying good morning to him, like I do every weekend.
I was really taken back as thought he was happy to bring me a weekend coffee. I questioned this and he said I have no consideration for how this makes him feel. Like I don't care about him just a morning cuppa.
It's a completely first world problem. It's ridiculous but I'm just so surprised that our perspective is so skewed!
I honestly thought I did coffees in the week, he treated me at weekends.
I got a bit stroppy and just got up left...without coffee. Very childish, I'm aware! AIBU to think he's being a bit of a petty twat???

I’m up first during the week so always make a cup of tea for my husband. He is up first on the weekend as I love the chance to lie in! He makes me a cup of tea on the weekends. I’d be a bit miffed if he didn’t as I always make one for him. Your partners being a twat.

You did say you text him to ask where your coffee is. So if that's your first communication of the morning, I can see why he gets a bit annoyed.

You caught him in a bad mood. Why not just wake up and have coffee together tomorrow morning?

Missing the point, but I really hate the word 'cuppa'.

But he’s not asked you to bring him coffee every weekday and “I have told him how bloody lucky he is to have a lovely home, kids that think the world of him and a home in the country” oof run it in why don’t you! Sounds like you both need a reset and a conversation to clear the air!

What's to rub in? She pays the mortgage and all bills. Depending on how much he sends her for utilities and food, etc., it sounds to me like he has a pretty good deal.

I would bloody well make sure I was up early tomorrow making my own coffee and going forward I would have a little strike.

No coffee for him in the mornings, don't do his laundry, just stop doing the little things for him. If he comments when he finally notices, you can say "well that just shows you how much I did for you usually, because I LOVE YOU and don't just regard you as a coffee maker at the weekend. I was very annoyed you even thought that"

He may not ask for it but he expects it to such an extent that he has told OP that she ‘brings it’, like a magic fairy. Whereas he often doesn’t just bring it to OP, so OP looks like the bad guy because she asks him for a coffee.

it’s really odd he’s complaining about getting it for OP when he gets coffee in bed 5 days a week. If he doesn’t want the coffee he can use his words and tell op.

Yes!

YANBU. Yet another man who thinks acts of kindness his wife/gf does for him are the norm, while those he does for her should be received by her kissing his feet and being eternally grateful. I'm so fed up with them.

no more coffee for him.

Yes I think that was your mistake. If he doesn't bring you one or offer, just go and make your own coffee, it's no big deal. "Ordering" your coffee is a bit cheeky. But if it's causing resentment, it might just be easiest to both make your own coffees going forward.

Sounds like he's toxic.

Has he got low self esteem? He sounds like he has an issue with his self worth and sees doing something kind for someone else as being bossed about and a sign of weakness rather than it being just a nice thing to do.

Just say something like, “I didn’t realise us bringing each other coffees was an issue - no worries, we’ll take care of our own from now on.” Don’t make a big deal of it, lighthearted, and he’ll either apologise for being a nob immediately or in a few days you’ll probably find him bringing you a coffee once he’s realised that he’s suddenly having to make himself 5 a week.

This!

I've always resisted putting anything on mumsnet AIBU as worried about being shot down!
Actually it's been quite the opposite.
Some great advice. Some things to think about. I'm really grateful for your thoughts, mumsnetters!

I think he has a great deal paying less than he would to rent a full house and get to work from home with all bills paid and a cleaner!

Think the struggle you felt this morning and the "triggering" aspect was that after a shitty ex you do tend to really appreciate all the little gestures - making tea - and usually say thank you like a nodding dog to start because you are so grateful. Over time you realise you don't have to be so enthusiastic because they do it for love. That is what he has now turned on his head. Now you feel he felt obligated to do it and resented it in some way and has taken something you felt was special and turned it into a weapon. You need to explain this to him calmly and ask what he is feeling about it now. Do you continue to bring his/him yours or should you just leave it because it might feel weird now? Talk it out.

(Due to my salary) we have a cleaner. But everyday clear-up, is me. Other 'stuff' is split. Cooking equal, I do all laundry. He does bins!
If I work from home, I use it as an opportunity to do other 'bits' between work (stick on a load of laundry, empty and refill dishwasher) but generally doesn't cross his mind to do that.

Lion's share of finances mine. I pay mortgage and all bills. He pays a monthly amount to me and then picks up other bits like a grocery shop.
😳😬

Stop taking him coffees. You have been giving freely but he was making you ask for yours at the weekend, which isn't a good dynamic anyway.

Haha yeah mine made a comment on how I did his laundry the week we moved in together… it’s been 15 years and I haven’t touched his laundry since.

Stop making his coffee OP and see how he goes from there.

Just say good morning to each other and don't take each other for granted

.

Was thinking this but wondering how to word it in a post. Now I don’t have to. This is the problem, exactly this.

Being brought coffee in bed by him voluntarily is wonderful, but texting him to ask for it? CF & yabu.

Apologise to him, you've been taking advantage and he's feeling like a butler. It should be his pleasure not a duty.

Don’t get too carried away with the advice on here op, people telling you to stop making your partner coffee every morning because of one morning of him being a bit grumpy is Ott, and the person saying stop doing all his laundry as well.. fucks sake, calm down people!

it obviously runs deeper than the coffee, he likes to do a nice thing for you by bringing you a coffee, as you do for him the rest of the week, I would feel similar, I do things for people because I want to, not because I’m asked to, or expected to, as soon as they start asking or demanding things before I’ve even had the chance to do it and before even a ‘good morning’ I’d think ‘what am I, the maid?’ I’m not honestly sure why I feel like that but I do, it’s usually fleeting, and I wouldn’t say anything but I can see where he’s coming from! I enjoy doing things when I don’t feel it’s taken for granted.

I think you caught him off guard and he’s told you how it makes him feel and you’ve decided to turn it into a tit for tat competition and berate him for not appreciating his lot in life.

as soon as you stop wanting to do nice things for each other it’s a slippery slope to a shit relationship, I’d have a chat about it if I were you, there may even have been something else on his mind.