I thought weekend treat. He thought demanding bitch!

[tedtalkstome]

AIBU?
Every weekday morning I get up first, sort the kitchen, feed the dog and take a cuppa up to my partner (he works from home so more leisurely morning than me and kids).
On the weekends, he likes to get up early and I love a lie-in. He usually waits until he hears movement then brings me up a cuppa. I love this and feel like it's a real treat! I scroll social media, read a bit and get up mid morning (I work long stressful hours and he's chosen not to. I'm totally fine with that).
Sometimes he sits in the office on a weekend morning and doesn't hear me get up so I might send a message asking if he's on the coffee run. He's great and always brings me one. I feel very spoilt by this and love it.
This morning he was getting up before me as going in to work on a rare day in. I asked him if he would bring me up a coffee.
He was a bit grumpy and said that I was demanding coffee without even saying good morning to him, like I do every weekend.
I was really taken back as thought he was happy to bring me a weekend coffee. I questioned this and he said I have no consideration for how this makes him feel. Like I don't care about him just a morning cuppa.
It's a completely first world problem. It's ridiculous but I'm just so surprised that our perspective is so skewed!
I honestly thought I did coffees in the week, he treated me at weekends.
I got a bit stroppy and just got up left...without coffee. Very childish, I'm aware! AIBU to think he's being a bit of a petty twat???

If he doesnt apologise stop taking him coffee. Then he'll maybe realise he was being an ass.

And do think about what you each bring to this relationship and who is getting most out of it.

I'd change the routine. I wouldn't be doing a little dance and telling him how special he is before I could ask for a drink. He doesn't have to go through any rituals before receiving his drink does he? Just put a stop to it. Get yourself a drink and take it back to bed. Job done.

Did you get a coffee this morning?!

Are you doing the coffee run is quite demanding though in turn of phrase.

You chose to bring him coffee every day. He didn’t ask for that. Does he even want it? He probably thought that was something you wanted to do. There’s probably a part of him thinking now that you’re asking for ‘payment’ for that choice you’ve made. I don’t think your gesture during the week is as much as you think as it’s coming with strings attached. I think just getting your own drinks will be better, or at least asking him what he wants to do now.

He's generally a lovely partner. Although there is a petty streak at times...think it's possibly because he doesn't have children (I have two) and he's just never needed to put anyone else first.

You only have to check out the step parenting board for numerous examples of childless stepmums caring about their DSC's welfare more than one or both of the children's actual parents.

A nicer house than he might otherwise afford to live in doesn't make up for all the allowances and restrictions to his lifestyle he'll be having to make in order for you to prioritise your children's needs. Rightly so, obviously, but I don't think living with somebody else's children is quite the perk you think it is

This in a nutshell

Agree with this

I am normally up first at the weekend and make a coffee for dh when he wakes up. He enjoys it, i like giving him this small treat. However if he expected it then i would be annoyed. Same with my kids I bring them a treat breakfast on a Sat morning, when my teen phones me to ask me to go get it then it is completely different to me choosing to do it for them as a treat (even though it is natural they all know coffee and breakfast is coming, they also know better than to chase me up about it if late/doesn't appear).

This is the most sensible post on here by a long way.

Then maybe women should raise their standards and expect thanks. When people, male or female, voluntarily do nice things for others, yes they should be thanked.

That said, OP, I think appreciating the coffee when he brings it is one thing, asking him to bring you one (especially when he's trying to get ready for work) is another and does come off a bit entitled.

You caught him in a bad mood. He responded badly to you. He likely now regrets it. Communicate and try to make up.

That would be the last time I made and took him up a coffee. Certainly at least until he apologized.

"Hey wife, why didn't you bring me up a coffee this morning?"
"...? Do you remember what you said to me the other day, when I asked for one...?"

Thanks for all the advice!
Chat this morning (over coffee…he made a pot and I came down and poured) apologies done. We’re moving on!
i’ll definitely think about how I say things in the future but also not making excuses for poor behaviour either!
You’re a (mostly) wise bunch.

I feel sorry for the OP. This was a stupid and grumpy throwaway comment, and the OP herself seems happy and content in the relationship. Everyone here knows that these type of things happen in any relationship from time to time. In typical fashion people are doing their best to turn this into a huge deal because too many people here revel in other people’s misery and drama.

OP, if you are still reading this then think about it this is really something to take too personally here. Address it by all means because he was rude but that’s really it.

Edit because I seem to have posted at the same time: glad that you resolved it

It’s only weekends he brings coffee. When she asks. Weekdays, when she is actually getting ready for work, SHE brings HIM one. Without being asked.

I'm amazed at some of the responses on here, frankly it doesn't really matter who has kids, doesn't have kids, how many coffees are made, how much money anyone makes etc
The single most important thing is when you interact with someone first thing in the morning say "good morning" especially if you are then going to ask them to do something for you. It's just basic politeness anything else is just plain rude.

I'm a manager at work I don't walk into that office first thing in the morning and start telling people what to do, always start with a "good morning, how are you"

You could be the most amazing human being that's ever existed, endless charity work etc. but if you can't master this basic politeness then you're going to be seen as rude and eventually someone will snap usually when they're having a bad day.
No point after the event listing all the great things you do, none of that matters.
It's just basic human interaction.

My kids would get an earful if they started the day with a "can you get me" instead of "morning dad"

Yep a chat is usually best. Took me a year after we married to realise he didn't like tea/breakfast in bed. I do, so assumed he must. He just took it greatfully as I'd made it. He still makes breakfast for me as he's the early riser, I don't for him if I'm up, though I will if he's up.

Agree that you should avoid a knee jerk reaction to this.

People have bad times and say the wrong thing….let it pass you by if it’s an odd occasion and not the norm. Bear with each other.

I agree it’s a slippery slope to react tit-for-tat to every little offence. Even excellent relationships involve people occasionally being rude or inconsiderate. People can have an off day. In. A strong relationship you see the bigger picture of a positive relationship and a
l the kindness that is usually there and you move on from the little mistake. Of course if theres on-going unkindness thats a different issue. People need to understand the difference between an unkind, selfish and nasty husband and one is kind and where there is a good relationship, with an occasional poor choice of words etc.

OP, continue to enjoy taking your DH a coffee in the week. Continue to enjoy him bringing you one at the weekend. Don’t get into counting who has taken up more coffees etc and look for parity. It doesn’t matter. See the bigger picture of your relationship being good and continue to feed that and expect that your DH as a good man will continue too. He has said something g less kind, as I’m sure you have on occasion too. Move on.

Huh? They aren’t his kids so their house work shouldn’t be taken into account in regards to division of labour.

Of course she should do more of the housework and pay for more, she’s covering 3 people, he’s covering 1.

What struck me from your OP was that you genuinely feel loved and appreciated by your weekend routine and I wonder if you have told him this? Is he similarly grateful for all you do for him?

He sounds a bit like an entitled twat.

He'd hate our house. Whoever gets up first makes the tea/coffee. If I have had a lie in, I quite often type "songs about tea" into Spotify and then make it play on the Alexa downstairs. DH and I find this hilarious.

I'd imagine me is given the OP has ensured to remind him whenever she feels her charity is going unappreciated

Perfectly explained

LTB