I thought weekend treat. He thought demanding bitch!

[tedtalkstome]

AIBU?
Every weekday morning I get up first, sort the kitchen, feed the dog and take a cuppa up to my partner (he works from home so more leisurely morning than me and kids).
On the weekends, he likes to get up early and I love a lie-in. He usually waits until he hears movement then brings me up a cuppa. I love this and feel like it's a real treat! I scroll social media, read a bit and get up mid morning (I work long stressful hours and he's chosen not to. I'm totally fine with that).
Sometimes he sits in the office on a weekend morning and doesn't hear me get up so I might send a message asking if he's on the coffee run. He's great and always brings me one. I feel very spoilt by this and love it.
This morning he was getting up before me as going in to work on a rare day in. I asked him if he would bring me up a coffee.
He was a bit grumpy and said that I was demanding coffee without even saying good morning to him, like I do every weekend.
I was really taken back as thought he was happy to bring me a weekend coffee. I questioned this and he said I have no consideration for how this makes him feel. Like I don't care about him just a morning cuppa.
It's a completely first world problem. It's ridiculous but I'm just so surprised that our perspective is so skewed!
I honestly thought I did coffees in the week, he treated me at weekends.
I got a bit stroppy and just got up left...without coffee. Very childish, I'm aware! AIBU to think he's being a bit of a petty twat???

Sounds like your 'love language' is acts of service, so you value the fact you bring each other a cuppa as a way of showing/receiving love. Perhaps he needs something different from you in order to get that warm fuzzy feeling?

Another vote for SandyHappyPeople's considered post. This is something that could be so quickly and easily resolved with a conversation, OP. You texted a request for a coffee, not meaning anything by it - and it hit him on the raw.

You've said that he's usually a great partner so I'm wondering why you haven't had a conversation with him instead of posting for advice on a forum known for LTB ad nauseum. I'm usually right there with them but not for this.

I question the responses you've had as they're well OTT. Of course, none of the posters here have to deal with the outfall of your overreaction if you take the advice to escalate the situation. Posters don't know your situation, they have a snapshot based on your posts. Projecting is a real thing, they have bad relationships so so must you. When you're a hammer and all that...

Speak to your partner. One thing I would do is cut out the 'house in the country' and all I do for you spiel. You have a choice to have a partner and he has a choice to be with you, you make it sound as if you're doing him a favour when it reality, it should be balanced, both of you benefit, and your children benefit. Not this.

My guess is that in his mind it is right and fair that you pay for most things and serve him in return for the fact that he tolerates the presence of your children.
Possibly the fact that you have humiliated him by earning more than him also means that you owe him and should suck up to him make him coffee etc.
Remember he is the man, everything must be in his favor.

My read is that your husband was probably feeling quite stressed. He was going into work on a weekend, something quite incongruous with the way that you described his work. That you say that is also a choice that he works in a more relaxed way, he might be feeling overwhelmed.

If my husband did this, I would undoubtedly feel like you in the moment, but I wonder if when you connect this evening, once he’s made it through the day, if you ask him if he was okay and how he’d been feeling if he might share more.

I think you should wish your partner a good morning really. Not a hugely unreasonable request to be honest.

Don’t get too carried away with the advice on here op, people telling you to stop making your partner coffee every morning because of one morning of him being a bit grumpy is Ott, and the person saying stop doing all his laundry as well.. fucks sake, calm down people!

This. Don't overreact just because he is in a bad mood about something. If you're generally happy with each other then just apologise to each other and move on. Not everything js worth throwing your toys out of the pram.

And remember that a lot,of people post this stuff because they a) dislike all men b) married to a genuine dickhead or c) here for the drama and the live updates of a relationship ending.

Of all the responses on here this must be the most ridiculous, it's in OP's original post why her partner was grumpy, because she didn't say good morning before asking for coffee, which is a perfectly understandable/normal thing to be grumpy about.
From that to decide he must be feeling emasculated as a man because you earn more money then him is one of the most ridiculous responses I've never read !!

Lovely to hear.

Now about your attitude to childless people.....🤣. We're individuals ok? Some selfish and petty, some not.

We’ll continue making coffee for each other! Don’t worry 🥰

I’m guessing this is tongue in cheek. Otherwise you’re screwed!

Probably only partially.

Sadly, there are many men who do hold such attitudes. And they look normal!

Personally I would refuse a coffee from him from now on …. But that’s just my revengeful streak lol!

I don’t think it was anything to do with the coffee tbh. It sounds like he was pissed off about something else and took it out on you.

You sound nice OP, so I mean this kindly. But when u say you don't demand ..well if he forgets u text him to ask him jokingly where Ur coffee is. So basically u r chasing him for it, which kind of is a demand, albeit done nicely.
But if u feel loved by him on the whole, that's good. And maybe let go of the expectation to get a coffee and not feel obliged to get him one either. Definitely don't fall out over it. U both sound nice .

One of my favourite treats is and always has been a cup of tea in bed. My exH knew this … but begrudged doing it even though he was pretty much always awake/up before me. I could never really get past that. He had the opportunity to give me a really happy start to my day, a small act of love … and it was too much. If he did bring me a drink it was mostly slammed down grumpily which defeated the sentiment. He’s not behaving fairly …

Just say good morning? Doesn’t seem hard….basic manners and all that.

Did you miss the point? First thing I say to hubby, is "good morning darling, did you sleep well? Sounds like you called for coffee before wishing him good morning and sympathising with him about having to go to work.

However, you are in bed, and he is up preparing for work, so he feels you should get up - completely ignoring the fact that you do children, work prep AND his coffee every weekday. Typical of a lot of men.

I don't think you should turn this into a Mumsnet issue which will invariably be full of unhappy, bitter, man-hating people projecting.

Take the gender out of it. Anyone going in to work on that weekday would understandably feel a little grumpy about that. Just talk to him, say you appreciate it, ask if he really meant it when he said "every weekend" or if he was using hyperbole when he was upset.

Discuss how you can improve your weekday/weekend coffee system so both of you are happy. Again, he probably does enjoy treating you, but was using hyperbole about his displeasure. If he doesn't actually like it, just stop making coffee for him too (unless you really don't mind and he treats you back in other non-coffee ways).

Keep the coffee issue to the coffee. It was meant to be mutual treats, not a chore, so if possible, don't dredge in other issues about how lucky he is to live with you and chores and whatnot. If those are actual issues, deal with them separately.

It's a small thing, don't let bitter posters egg you on into blowing it up.

Yeah I've gotten a bit annoyed when I start off by treating someone but then they start asking where it is.. It kind of feels like it's become expected of me/a chore and not a voluntary treat on my own terms.

But I can also understand why they've gotten used to it and come to expect it. (Also in this case seems to be a mutual treat/chore)

It's a bit tricky to navigate!

Oh dear poor DP had to get up earlier one day during the week and wasn't used to it. Yanbu, he could suck it up for one morning!

Hmmn.

"On a rare day going into work, my work-from-home husband, was not pleasant and charming about getting me coffee"

What part of that sentence might be the trigger for your husband being unhappy?

Because at the time of the event I expect your husband was going "Yippee, finally going into the office, this is so exciting! My wife must share this excitement! Wait! I must fetch her coffee on a coffee run!"

You have a very nice arrangement. You treat your husband mon-fri, because part of that is him treating you at weekends. Which you really appreciate.

You need to talk and be heard. Because your husband fetching you coffee is part of your well-being. He needs to be told how important and happy that makes you.

But I can honestly say, your heaven is not everyone's heaven. Your husband may or may not share it. Your husband may not appreciate you going out on a cold morning to fetch him coffee mon-fri, whereas you relish it?

But if he knows how important it is to you - then he knows to respect it.

And you're his wife. Did you not pick up on the fact he really did not want to go into work? Does he have any issues at work? Or did he just not want all the fuss of getting work dressed and commuting? And then you piled on the pressure by expecting coffee to be delivered to you as well?

It's a minor niggle in the waters. If he knows how happy, and special it makes you feel when he does the coffee run/ letting you lie in at weekends, he will feel more secure and have clear guidance on how to make you happy.

You don't sound like the gentlest and chirpiest of personalities tbh so I'm 100% sure you have your frequent moods too though

Does he enjoy having a coffee in bed?

🤣🤣🤣🤣

You two have to talk about this and work out the hidden resentment. Apparently he’s been hiding this until now. Don’t settle for a one sided relationship. Ask him to pull his weight. Time to take off the rose colored glasses.