I thought weekend treat. He thought demanding bitch!

[tedtalkstome]

AIBU?
Every weekday morning I get up first, sort the kitchen, feed the dog and take a cuppa up to my partner (he works from home so more leisurely morning than me and kids).
On the weekends, he likes to get up early and I love a lie-in. He usually waits until he hears movement then brings me up a cuppa. I love this and feel like it's a real treat! I scroll social media, read a bit and get up mid morning (I work long stressful hours and he's chosen not to. I'm totally fine with that).
Sometimes he sits in the office on a weekend morning and doesn't hear me get up so I might send a message asking if he's on the coffee run. He's great and always brings me one. I feel very spoilt by this and love it.
This morning he was getting up before me as going in to work on a rare day in. I asked him if he would bring me up a coffee.
He was a bit grumpy and said that I was demanding coffee without even saying good morning to him, like I do every weekend.
I was really taken back as thought he was happy to bring me a weekend coffee. I questioned this and he said I have no consideration for how this makes him feel. Like I don't care about him just a morning cuppa.
It's a completely first world problem. It's ridiculous but I'm just so surprised that our perspective is so skewed!
I honestly thought I did coffees in the week, he treated me at weekends.
I got a bit stroppy and just got up left...without coffee. Very childish, I'm aware! AIBU to think he's being a bit of a petty twat???

@sandyhappypeople great post

He's being pathetic. Men expect gratitude for things that women do routinely with no thanks.

Give him a break. He was in bad form this morning, that's all.

So it's that you don't say Good morning first?

Next time just text him "Morning you little ray of sunshine, now chop chop with that coffee"

Less of the animal slurs. It's not clever

He's got a lovely set up hasn't he, while not contributing much at all. He's taking you for granted. it's not really about the coffee is it?

and by the way, what does doing the bins involve, and how on earth is it equivalent to doing the laundry of 4 people? He works less hours, contributes less, and does less around the home. What are you teaching your children about relationships?

Or -

He's a self-absorbed wanker who sees the OPs kindness to him as only his proper due, and any kindness by him to her as something that she must show endless gratitude for, seeing as how he is so far above her!

@tedtalkstome, I think he is definitely taking you for granted. And, I think you are over-grateful, probably due to your children's dad "who was very good a saying awful things to me and somehow making it seem like it was my fault."

There is an asymmetry in your relationship. You provide the "lion's share of finances" which you can do because you "work long stressful hours and he's chosen not to." Domestic asymmetry too - "Due to my hours and salary, we have a cleaner. But everyday clear-up, is me. Other 'stuff' is split. Cooking equal, I do all laundry. He does bins!" Might I respectfully suggest that doing the bins is nowhere near equivalent to the household laundry?

How long has this man been in your life and your home? Long enough to start to feel entitled, but not so long that he has made any significant contributions to the household?

Was it a dumpling latte you wanted by any chance?

Because this is sounding familiar.

In our house I WFH 4 out of 5 days with one within day return train trip from the NW to London each week. Other than my London day, DH gets up earlier than me to go to work.

At weekends we split the lie ins (we have 3 dogs so one of us needs to be up by 7/7.30 to let them out/feed them etc). Lie ins only tend to last until 9.30/10ish, so our approach is whoever has the lie in makes the tea/coffee and bacon butties when they get up.

When I’m up first I will usually go ahead and make my own cuppa as soon as I’m downstairs as I need it for my brain to function but I do generally think a cup of tea always tastes better when someone else has made it for you!

I would probably be a bit put out if DH was sending me texts requesting service like I’m his skivvy, so perhaps give him the benefit of the doubt for having a bad day / being tired and explain to your partner the reason why you enjoy the ritual you have, how much you appreciate the gesture and let him know that you never meant for him to feel like you were placing demands on him so if that’s how you’ve come across then you’re sorry.

Well he well and truly shot himself in the foot! I bet he's a bit more careful what he says since then. Lesson learned! 🌹

This.

Exactly. And his excuse that OP just ‘brings’ the coffees on weekdays somehow meaning that it’s easier for her is just pathetic.

He’s also extremely thick as he’s jeopardised getting coffee in bed 5 times a week in return for getting OP drinks on weekends.

I hope OP isn’t married to him.

I find the wording “are you putting the teas on/doing the coffee run” irrationally annoying when my husband says it. If he says “could I have a cup of tea” I don’t mind st all. It’s irrational I know but it really winds me up!

So if you were to prefix any coffee request texts with, "Good morning you hot hunk of a man, any chance of a coffee?" he'd have no complaint about the request? Is that really what he's upset about?

I'm trying to put myself in his shoes and imagine how I would come to feel aggrieved by a text like the one you sent. It would be because I felt like a "kept" man in a way, not earning enough to contribute fully to what I benefit from and am therefore somehow "less" so to receive a coffee "demand" text ungarnished by pleasantries would make me feel like a servant even though you have a cleaner and do the bulk of the day to day stuff.

He seems to have shot himself in the hoof.

You had my sympathy until this comment about childlessness. Do you even hear how it sounds? Did you not think for one second how it might make a childless person feel to read it?

Ah me too. Along with 'kiddos' (more of an Americanism but makes my skin crawl)

Also missing the point but laundry and bins are in no way an equal division of labour. Laundry takes about 10 times longer than taking the bins out.

I don't think this is about him objecting to bringing you tea, it's about you ordering him to do it. I'd be upset too if the first communication of the day was a brusque request for tea without so much as a 'morning love' as a prefix.

Unpopular opinion but from reading this I took it as he’s more upset you don’t say good morning to him every weekend and instead just care about having a coffee before even acknowledging him… if this is the case, he’s obviously let this bother him for a while without communicating it to you and then said it in the wrong way today because he’s grumpy about going to work

OP clearly doesn’t mean that all childless people can’t put other people first, just that this twat can’t. She lives with him, she knows him better than you.

How can she say good morning to him when he’s not in the room?

Every weekday he gets a coffee without having to say good morning as payment first and yet people think OP needs to grovel for her coffee.

i thought he didn’t have any kids? You mean he’s lucky to have your kids as step kids?

So he could just bring her the tea without waiting to be asked, like OP does for him 5 days a week?

Yeah she knows him better and I know childless people better and know how phrases like that can seem.

Did you get coffee this morning @tedtalkstome ??