To find this very very annoying

[KungBooPanda]

My DH never confirms plans with anyone. He often doesn't plan anything to start with, but he often keeps things vague until last minute.

This Easter weekend we are 'maybe' going to his parents house (about 3 hours from us so we would be staying overnight). I have other people messaging me saying 'shall we pop over during the long weekend for a wine/coffee' and a couple of other things.

I have asked him to confirm either way with his parents and he says 'yeah, i will' but then never calls them. When I press him he says 'oh well i'm sorry your friends are more important than my family' and 'you see friends all the time'.

I just messaged him and said 'are we going to your parents next Friday' and he replied 'not sure yet, why?'

I feel like tearing my hair out.

AIBU? Uptight?

Is he not parenting tonight because he's pissed off at you and punishing you?

He seems very manipulative. I hope you can see this behavior clearly.

Your DH is a horrible bully. I hope you're okay, OP.

I hope your ok OP, this is obviously a difficult situation.

He suggested the doctors, insinuating that there’s something wrong and you need help. I would respond by telling him that you want marriage counselling or you are out of there. If he refuses then I’d be off.

I'm OK. H tried to cuddle me with a weird baby voice but then went quiet and angry again when I said no. By the time I was finished with the kids bedtime, H was playing video games with headset on so I snuck off to bed. He left early this morning. During week it's pretty easy to avoid one another. I just feel really really sad as I don't see how this gets better this time.

Bless you OP. I hope you and the kids can get free of this irredeemable oaf soon 😔

I really think you should call women’s aid OP, or a local domestic abuse charity. I don’t want to sound over the top, but you’re potentially in a dangerous situation. He’s tried his normal tactics, then he tried sorry, then he tried the weird baby voice. But you’ve seen through it and aren’t standing for it, each time he gets angrier and that’s the point at which a large number of men resort to violence.

Thank you. I've been in the office today keeping busy. I keep thinking about him shouting "you stupid fucking cunt" in my face while my 2 year old cries. I keep telling myself it wasn't that bad and we all lose our temper but it was scary and horrible and isn't a one off. I'm really really trying to keep my head together and work out next steps.

Unmumsnetty hugs @KungBooPanda you're coping admirably 🌷

Your little boy just modelled good boundaries and excellent decisions. Which means it's not too late. He recognises something bad, and avoids it. He's not appeasing, walking on eggshells or lying to stop his dad right now.

You need to take a leaf from his book. Because if you stay, and forgive this, your little boy will slowly have to appease and lie and walk on eggshells.

And he was never sorry. He's just trying different ways to control you because his usual way stopped working (because MN supported you to change the rules). He's tried; keeping you guessing, being horrible in front of other people, being angry, being babyish, being horrible to your child, being sorry. None is working right now so be extremely careful. These men move to violence sometimes. The throwing the bonnet is entry-level violence (to an object is a first step).

“It wasn’t that bad”. Please keep reminding yourself it WAS that bad. Talk to those two friends you mentioned, they can help you make plans.

It really was that bad, and even worse, he showed such lack of care and love for your son. He made your little boy miss out on something he was excited about because he isn't a good enough dad to put him first.

But you are a good enough mum to prioritise your child and do the horrible, hard thing that will make both your lives better. You really are.

I've not read the whole thread but all of @KungBooPanda's updates.

I had the git of a husband nailed as controlling on page 1 I'm sorry to say.
You've had such excellent advice from compassionate posters. All the best, and keep you and children safe first.

@MrsTerryPratchett your post made me feel sad but was also helpful. I do get it. Just about. This morning DS dropped his milk and H went to pick it up and DS said "no mummy only" and H went "FGS you only ever want your bloody mother". He's now left for work with a slam of the door. He has no awareness his actions are causing this. He's acting like me and DS are ganging up on him! DS is 2!!

I can't believe he is still angry with us after being so awful on Monday morning and even admitting via numerous texts that he was awful and he was sorry. I agree - it seems he was never sorry.

I have fully accepted I need to leave. I'm just trying to work out how it's feasible and what I need to get my ducks in a row as MN says.

It feels quite the awful realisation. Thanks for all being so kind and supportive as I post again and again with yet more awful stuff!

Keep posting, even if only to vent or use this thread as a diary.

The ducks are all the necessary documents such as birth and marriage certificates, and passports. Keep those in a safe place such as your parents house.

Then copies of all financial statements for both of you such as how much is left on mortgage, current and joint accounts/savings (P60s if you can), investments, bitcoin, pensions, anything valuable such as bikes and cars. Even if you don't know his pension statement you can find out who they are with and how many if he's changed jobs a few times. Then get on rightmove to see if you can find a similar house yours for approx value. Also go on the benefits checker and cms.

Then call around to find a one off solicitor consultation to find out your rights. Once you know how much you have to "play" with then you can start looking to see if you go down the rental or mortgage route, unless your parents are near and willing to put you up in the meantime.

Remember, just because you do the above doesn't mean it's final. You can take time to get a better job, or work more hours, or try counselling. But please come at it from a position of knowledge and power rather than fear

Unfortunately, you have married a man who hasn't grown up - so you're essentially dealing with a child. A child in a man's body, which can be horrible. I'm so sorry that you've been so immersed in it that you're only now seeing him for what he is; that must be a shitty wake-up.

Stand by your DS while he is still able to assert how he feels about this. Children who witness this kind of behaviour long enough will forget what it is to fight back.

I am dreading this weekend! I'm so tempted to stay at home because its going to be hell but my kids are so clingy and unsettled all my instincts are to stay close with them

@AutumnFroglets no joint accounts. He doesnt even know who our mortgage is with. I manage all that stuff. I have credit card debt unfortunately but I work full time and am managing. Will sort out the rest 100%. Thank you

Yes @JungsWordTest he is acting so much like a child. All the "can I have a cuddle" and pulling sad faces and slamming doors. It would be laughable if it wasn't so awful.

I’m sorry you are having to go through this. My advice would be to use this time to build your knowledge but also your support network. Unfortunately leaving a controlling man isn’t a quick process … it took me 18 months to get my ex-husband out of the house and he made those months very difficult. As well as practical support you need your friends, family and experts on your team to vent to and provide reassurance when you need it if worried about threats being made. You may need to talk to boss at work when you’re ready so they know what you're navigating outside the office.

Now is the time to reach out to those that will be there for you … a fortunate side effect of these difficult times is you realise there are other people in your life that are amazing and are there for you to lean on 👍

We are having the talk. He said he's a romantic who believes in the magic of marriage and will always want to try and that I'm a pragmatist who is always weighing up my options. He also said "I don't want our kids to have step parents and step siblings" and I said "that is the last thing of my mind" and he said "I've got another 40 years on this planet, you might be happy to not find anyone else but I certainly will be" which has made me so fucking sad. Not him being with someone else but that I think he isn't going to consider the DC at all in that.

He is also apologising a lot. And saying how sad he is. It feels so confusing.

He said he's a romantic who believes in the magic of marriage

Shouting “you fat cunt” in your wife’s face is romantic now, is it?

Of course he's sad. He's realised that he's close to blowing his cosy life up by pushing his control and manipulation too far and you seeing him for what he is. He's not sorry for what he did, he's sorry he got caught out.

You know what I would do now. Ask him what went through his mind when he called you a stupid cunt. Ask him why he punished DS by leaving him. Ask him why he felt it was okay to throw the bonnet on the floor in front of DS. Don't accept sorry, accept valid and reasonable explanations. If he can't explain It (without making it your fault) then he isn't repentant, nor will it prevent it from happening again.

He said he's a romantic who believes in the magic of marriage.
Remind me again what's romantic and magical about calling the one you love "a stupid fucking cunt"?

Sorry to keep repeating it, but you need to remember that moment in time. His face, his voice, his anger, his aggression, the way he moved. All because you needed an answer about the weekend.

He called you a cunt and threw his child's Easter bonnet at you.

Real fucking romantic.

Any words that come out his mouth after that moment op are worthless... Imo.
He will toss between being a twat and being nice. Because he wasn't prepared for you doing anything but accepting what he said. He is confused now.
But you aren't. So stick to your words. Use them wisely. Keep it simple. So he can understand..
You want out. You won't be in an abusive relationship.. And your dc won't have an abusive df...tell your solicitor he attends anger management and you want supervised contact until he can show a judge he has changed.

he says i'm being a drama queen about 'throwing' and that he put the bonnet on the ground, it wasn't a 'throw'. his reason for everything is he was stressed and i was antogonising him by acting like i was scared of him which wound him up & that if i was really scared i'd have run in the house, not 'held my ground' as he put it. i said blaming me isn't an apology but he won't accept that.

he said 'right we are breaking up then, i'll go tomorrow without you'. i feel a bit sick about it all but trying to remember what he is like.

he just left the conversation and said 'i'm not playing happy families anymore' and has gone to the gym.