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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this very very annoying

293 replies

KungBooPanda · 22/03/2024 15:36

My DH never confirms plans with anyone. He often doesn't plan anything to start with, but he often keeps things vague until last minute.

This Easter weekend we are 'maybe' going to his parents house (about 3 hours from us so we would be staying overnight). I have other people messaging me saying 'shall we pop over during the long weekend for a wine/coffee' and a couple of other things.

I have asked him to confirm either way with his parents and he says 'yeah, i will' but then never calls them. When I press him he says 'oh well i'm sorry your friends are more important than my family' and 'you see friends all the time'.

I just messaged him and said 'are we going to your parents next Friday' and he replied 'not sure yet, why?'

I feel like tearing my hair out.

AIBU? Uptight?

OP posts:
Justkeepingplatesspinning · 27/03/2024 21:18

Well done on having the conversation. He is being true to type blaming you for his behaviour and minimising his actions.
I would be looking to get some legal advice asap and put wheels in motion so that he comes back after the Easter weekend for as short a time as possible before he moves out. Also, speak to women's aid or similar so that you have logged the abusive and controlling behaviour somewhere other than here.

Original poster
KungBooPanda · 27/03/2024 21:22

i did call refuge earlier today (which felt a bit crazy but i thought helpful to discuss particularly about the kids) - and they suggested marriage counselling and just said lots about 'we all have a right to a happy home' and v general stuff like that.

OP posts:
Justkeepingplatesspinning · 27/03/2024 21:29

Well yes, we do have a right to a happy home, but where you've got someone who is gaslighting you and controlling then marriage counselling/mediation is going to be difficult. I'm sorry refuge weren't more helpful in practical terms of whether there might be refuge space available, being able to speak with a women's support worker, telling you about their services etc. You might need to track down the local version to find that sort of thing out.
Oh - forgot to mention about the Freedom programme, that might be helpful. - edited to add this x

AutumnFroglets · 27/03/2024 22:28

Contact Women's Aid, they can signpost you to your local centre - as can your GP.

I found refuge "unhelpful" but maybe it was how I was coming across. With Women's Aid I used their email so I could choose my words better rather than ramble on.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

EDIT - I'm surprised Refuge recommended marriage counselling actually, since you should never do joint therapy with an abusive partner 😮

AwBlessm · 27/03/2024 22:45

i was antogonising him by acting like i was scared of him which wound him up

So his response to seeing you scared was...anger? ffs

Original poster
KungBooPanda · 27/03/2024 22:54

. Pls someone tell me it will be OK. He came back.I feel so desperate and upset. We started talking about money and he went absolutely crazy. Calling me a "thick bitch" right up in my face "you think I was angry on Monday this is fucking angry" kept saying you "evil evil bitch" "I can't wait to be rid of you". He took off his ring. I started crying which i dont do often and he screamed "you want to divorce well this is what it's going to feel like for you. This is what is in store you nasty thick bitch". He said he'll call the estate agents to get the house on the market tomorrow. I can't stop crying. I've left him downstairs and i can still hear him shouting to nobody. Pls someone tell me it will be OK. How can I go with him tomorrow but how do I let him take the kids.

OP posts:
OneMoreTime23 · 27/03/2024 23:05

Is there somewhere you can go with your kids tonight?

Sometimes1234 · 27/03/2024 23:13

I m sorry OP

eddalp · 27/03/2024 23:16

@KungBooPanda I could have written this. It’s fucking awful isn’t it. I have to ask over and over and never get a straight answer. Then at the 11th hour he’ll decide and I’m stuck with cancelling alternative plans ive made or ruining a family day out. It’s classic men not carrying the mental load though.

AutumnFroglets · 27/03/2024 23:17

I am so sorry OP. Is there a friend you can go to overnight? I would also contact the police and ask for their advice and tell them your DH seems to be excessively angry tonight.

Can you record him secretively on your phone if he comes into your room to rant again? (This is only for police proof, or for your own sanity when you start doubting yourself).

EDIT - he can't sell the house without your signature as it is a marital asset. He can't change the locks either (nor can you though).

eddalp · 27/03/2024 23:22

@KungBooPanda sorry I hadn’t seen your latest update xx

Grimchmas · 27/03/2024 23:42

I'm sorry OP. The fucking audacity of him to be telling you he's committed to the magic of marriage while he's happy to shout and swear at you over and over again.

I'm also sorry that Refuge were so useless. There's no way they should be suggesting joint marriage counseling when one person is abusive, and he must certainly is that.

How sure are you that he will take the kids without you?

You can't go with him, that's for certain.

Mnetcurious · 28/03/2024 00:10

KungBooPanda · 27/03/2024 22:54

. Pls someone tell me it will be OK. He came back.I feel so desperate and upset. We started talking about money and he went absolutely crazy. Calling me a "thick bitch" right up in my face "you think I was angry on Monday this is fucking angry" kept saying you "evil evil bitch" "I can't wait to be rid of you". He took off his ring. I started crying which i dont do often and he screamed "you want to divorce well this is what it's going to feel like for you. This is what is in store you nasty thick bitch". He said he'll call the estate agents to get the house on the market tomorrow. I can't stop crying. I've left him downstairs and i can still hear him shouting to nobody. Pls someone tell me it will be OK. How can I go with him tomorrow but how do I let him take the kids.

You need to keep note of what you’ve said here. So that if in future you’re having a wobble over whether it’s the right thing to split up, you can remind yourself exactly how he spoke to you. No one deserves to be spoken to like this, especially by the person who is supposed to live them the most. I’m sorry this has happened, please get supportive people around you and let them help you.

Newestname002 · 28/03/2024 05:19

@KungBooPanda

He also said "I don't want our kids to have step parents and step siblings" and I said "that is the last thing of my mind" and he said "I've got another 40 years on this planet, you might be happy to not find anyone else but I certainly will be"

What an absolute hypocrite he is!! 🌹

Newestname002 · 28/03/2024 05:22

KungBooPanda · 27/03/2024 21:22

i did call refuge earlier today (which felt a bit crazy but i thought helpful to discuss particularly about the kids) - and they suggested marriage counselling and just said lots about 'we all have a right to a happy home' and v general stuff like that.

You may get a better, more useful response from Womens Aid. 🌹

Scarydinosaurs · 28/03/2024 05:36

He is scary now because atm he is in the house/has the ability to intimidate you - but when you’re rid of him it Will be better. Can you see a solicitor today?

Powderblue1 · 28/03/2024 06:07

Urgh that's annoying. I'd speak to MIL and FIL and make the plans myself or just make plans with your friends. Why are you waiting for him to make the decision OP?

YouGotThis24 · 28/03/2024 07:01

Sorry @KungBooPanda … do whatever you need to keep yourself safe at this point. Stay with a friend, get a friend to visit you or pretend things are fine.

His behaviour is escalating as he realises he has lost control of the situation and of you. He’s trying to scare you back into line. This is why you need knowledge and support … because if you decide to divorce he will continue to try to scare you and make you feel guilty for breaking up the family unit.

If the abuse continues to escalate you may need to speak to a solicitor about a non-molestation order.

Look after yourself and dc. Speaking as someone who has been there it does get better. I’m in month three since my ex-husband moved out and am reclaiming my home as a safe space. I feel much calmer. My dc is happy and has adapted to the family changes much better than I’d ever hoped. Co-parenting still has its challenges as my ex is still controlling but I am minimising his negative impact on us more and more each week. Take care.

Nicole1111 · 28/03/2024 07:22

It sounds like he has always been controlling and it’s just that the abuse has ramped up as you’ve been less compliant and began to push back more. This image should help you think about other ways he might have been abusive. You need to call the police and say you want it on your record you’re concerned about your safety and them to put a flag on your address so if you call them they’ll come straight out no discussion. You need to call a local domestic abuse charity and ask for face to face 1 on 1 support. You can also go to your local children’s centre and ask them to sign you up for any domestic abuse course they are running so you can better understand what’s been happening and learn how to support your child with it. You need to contact a solicitor for free legal advice (you’ll qualify for this because of the abuse). And finally you need to be brutally honest with close friends and family about exactly what he has done so they can support you through this. I know all this is scary but you can absolutely do this. You’re a strong woman.

Couldyounot · 28/03/2024 07:48

Fucking hell, he gets worse and worse with every new update. Good advice about speaking to DV charities and the police

Original poster
KungBooPanda · 28/03/2024 08:26

Up and about this morning. He is off work today as I'm working from home.

Him and the kids are 100% going to PIL later today. Both kids are v excited. I just need to decide if i'm going. I really relaly don't want to. I want to sleep and tidy the house and plan. But i also feel really shitty about the kids going off without me, especially the younger one who seems wary of DH still and attached to me. PIL are loving grandparents though so confident they would have good time when thye're there.

Was feeling distraught last night. I relaly really didn't think he would be the vile. Managed to record quite a bit of the worse of it.

OP posts:
Nicole1111 · 28/03/2024 08:42

Forgot to include the image! Here we go.

To find this very very annoying
OneMoreTime23 · 28/03/2024 08:51

if you do let him go with the kids, use the time to plan your exit.

Lysianthus · 28/03/2024 09:03

I'm so sorry to read all this. I think you should stay home, it will give your H a taste of what sole charge looks like, and he'll possibly have to have some awkward discussions with the PILs. He may lie to them and blame you but in the long run he won't be able to keep the lies going, will tie himself up in knots. Anyway I guess you don't have the sort of relationship where you particularly care what they think? So let that go.

Are your family about? Could you share this with them so you can get an exit plan sorted?

In answer to your earlier Q, it absolutely does get better. You will need some real life support too but keep talking on here. You may not know us but it serves as a sort of "live diary" and can help straighten out your thoughts. Flowers

AutumnFroglets · 28/03/2024 09:34

I would stay home @KungBooPanda . Let him take the children, he needs to see what it will be like once/if you split. I'm sure you have already posted that he ramps up the quieter abuse in front of PILs to impress them - I would hate to think what he would do or say in front of them now!

You need a breathing space and this is the perfect opportunity. Grab it with both hands. Find the paperwork, make the calls.