To find this very very annoying

[KungBooPanda]

My DH never confirms plans with anyone. He often doesn't plan anything to start with, but he often keeps things vague until last minute.

This Easter weekend we are 'maybe' going to his parents house (about 3 hours from us so we would be staying overnight). I have other people messaging me saying 'shall we pop over during the long weekend for a wine/coffee' and a couple of other things.

I have asked him to confirm either way with his parents and he says 'yeah, i will' but then never calls them. When I press him he says 'oh well i'm sorry your friends are more important than my family' and 'you see friends all the time'.

I just messaged him and said 'are we going to your parents next Friday' and he replied 'not sure yet, why?'

I feel like tearing my hair out.

AIBU? Uptight?

Hi mil, sorry I won't be down for Easter after dh called me a stupid fucking cunt.. Not sure what's happening with him. Maybe persuade him to see a Dr?
Op.

I would change the locks while he’s at work and I’m not fucking kidding.

You’ve started standing up to him (setting a deadline for making arrangements, pointing out that he could also do the washing) and he doesn’t like it. This reaction shows you that he is indeed being controlling and now also gaslighting (you need to see a doctor). This is not a healthy relationship, please take people’s advice here seriously.

He is controlling.. He believes you won't dare make your own plans until HE has decided you aren't busy. You have him worried you are actually considering defying him and he can't handle that..

Yeah, that's just gone from being a really annoying personality trait to an absolute reason to LTB!

He definitely should go to his parents alone for the weekend. Hopefully he'll like the fuss so much that he'll stay there!

I think you'd find life so much less stressful and frustrating without him in it.

Look after yourself and your children first OP. He can take a running jump!

OP, your husband sounds exactly like my ex. He also would expect life planned for him and have ridiculous reactions for expecting him to make solid plans/decisions days before they needed to happen. He wouldn’t change, still won’t - I asked him last week to tell me the days he wanted the children for Easter and he started again with ‘I don’t know, we’ll see how it pans out, whatever works for you’. When I said a second time ‘no, you please tell me which days you want’, I got a full strop. Then he sulks/stops talking to me, then I have to sort it anyway. Funny enough my ex works in a job that requires much preplanning and would be meticulous about making sure everything was properly done for work.

You know you’re detaching from the relationship, and quite rightly from how he speaks to you. You could try and speak to him after the kids have gone to bed, say how his inability to think about everyone else in the family when he refuses to make solid decisions affects you. Or you can decide this is the final line crossed and take it from there.

He just messaged saying "sorry. i love you. i felt you were antagonising me. i'm not good with words like you and i got frustrated and i lost my temper. i'm only happy when we are happy. i really am sorry'.

I feel calmer. I always thought he would put the kids first so the level of anger out of nowhere in front of the kids, in a garden with people walking past, it was a lot. i'm finding it hard to get my head around.

thank you for being supportive everyone.

He’s gaslighting you OP. Do you see how he blames you for his outburst? Because “he’s not good at words like you are”. He’s saying that you made him treat you like that.

Hes not sorry, he just wants you to get back in your box.

Please look up DARVO

So he's 'sorry' but it's actually your fault and he's 'only happy when you're happy' but refuses to do simple things to make your life more enjoyable? Oh, and he called you a cunt and implied that not wanting to deal with his moodiness is a symptom of mental illness on your part.

It's dead easy to write an apology text (although I would hardly call that an apology) but will it actually be reflected in his behaviour?

I won't tell you what to do with your relationship or living situation, I know that it's too complex for strangers opinions. That said please seek support, do you have close friends? Family you trust? People who can be honest and have your best interests at heart?

This doesn't look good OP. You need to seek some strength from elsewhere while you figure out what to do.

DS had an Easter parade this morning and me and DS made a bonnet for before bed last night. H leaving without him meant he missed it. H actually threw the bonnet on the ground. I've told DS we can do our own parade at home. I really really thought that although H can be a right pain the arse (hence the original thread) but that he would always do the right thing by DC. But the aggression and rage, and leaving DS at home when he was looking forward to something at nursery, it's all really really shit. I've pretended I've got a headache to my boss and DS and I are playing at home.

None of it is good. He keeps writing to me saying "I'm sorry".

I have a couple of people I can talk to openly and I know both of those people think I need to leave or that it's inevitable. I've always thought they were being a bit unfair.

I just looked up DAVRO. Yes, it does ring true @LovePoppy I find the "victim" part very hard not to feel sorry for him.

It's no good saying sorry, it's like saying I love you. In the absence of treating you with kindness and respect it's just useless words.

It’s because you’ve challenged him OP. Was that the first time you’ve really put your foot down about the ridiculous not making plans thing? You put your foot down and forced him to be reasonable. Then you pushed further and suggested he should consider his mother’s feelings. Now you are being punished for this, and he is making you feel like the bad guy for having perfectly normal requirements.

You said you don’t feel controlled, but look back and think about how many times you’ve changed your plans, anticipated his reaction, tiptoed around him. I’ll bet it’s a lot more than you’d realised.

Those two people you talk to openly sound sensible. Keep talking to them.

Aww poor baby. You should book the play dates for your kids and tell your husband he’s going to the in laws on his own.

Don’t go to the in laws to be belittled and abused while your kids look on, or martyr yourself to be alone at Easter because your husband is a prick to you and the kids.

You showed him that he isn't the main character.

Everything he has done, the extremes he went to; it was to remind you that he is, in fact, the main character. Back in your box, woman.

What is chilling is the level of drama over something so trivial. A barely noteworthy transaction occurring without incident in families all over the world; the organisation of who is doing what when, commitments for the calendar, commitments to each other, respect of each others' time.

I'm really sorry to read your updates @KungBooPanda - hope you are OK. I don't often say LTB but I would really struggle to get past that behaviour.

"Stupid fucking cunt" squeals the toddler who can't ever organise himself for anything ever. What a nasty little man. Is this what you want long-term, OP?

No @Couldyounot not at all. I'm feel ashamed and upset that this is my life and what my kids are experiencing. My son clinging to me all morning and crying when H wss shouting feels really grim. I've spent all day playing and cuddling DS and he's back to being his happy self but I know what is going on is unacceptable

This sounds very familiar to me and unfortunately I put up with it for about 7 years. The controlling behaviour will affect you more than you realise. I’d suggest speaking to a counsellor on your own (marriage counselling won’t work as he will try to control you through the counselling sessions too). Create a safe space to work through your feelings and ensure you protect your self-esteem.

I thought I was dealing with the controlling behaviour fine but it’s only looking back I can see how much damage was done from constantly putting my feelings last and tiptoeing around to avoid confrontation.

Write each incident down so you have a record you can reflect on if he tries to downplay his behaviours or rewrite history. If this behaviour continues then don’t leave it 7 years like I did.

He just messaged saying "sorry. i love you. i felt you were antagonising me. i'm not good with words like you and i got frustrated and i lost my temper. i'm only happy when we are happy. i really am sorry'.
Of course he's saying this as even he will know he's gone too far and now you are starting to open your eyes. Keep opening them OP, but be prepared to be unpleasantly surprised. Took me twenty five years to see my abusive H and those years physically and mentally broke me.

BTW, he was particularly vicious and nasty since he threw the bonnet on the ground and left his toddler behind. He deliberately hurt his own child twice just to punish you. And all because you asked if you were going away...

He doesn't like forming plans as he doesn't want you to know if you're coming or going. It's worked.
You feel utterly confused now.
The whole dynamic is wrong
The 4 nights at pils was just to keep you in line.
Tell him you're not going.

I don't know what to do about this weekend. The kids are excited to see PIL.

he won't go there without me or the kids. So I either go with them all. or we all stay at home, or he takes the kids (which is fine in terms of me being alone over easter - who cares - but doesn't feel good at all the kids being with him without me)

OP, the thing that struck me is that you have 2 people you can confide in in real life and even without telling them about this latest shocking and nasty incident you know they think you should leave.

On MN we are seeing just one snapshot - and we all think he is a rotten self-centered bastard based on that. Your real friends who see you real life already think your relationship is doomed.

I would not go to the PILs. I would tell them why. Meet your friends. Tell them what is happening. Let him do what he wants. Don't reply to his texts. This will only get worse.

I don't know what to do about this weekend. The kids are excited to see PIL.

He's already given you an out. Tell him you need time apart to "sort your head out". Use this weekend to confide in friends and find out your financial situation and look up solicitors. Do a one off consultation so you know your rights. You don't have to use that information, but you do need it.

He then said he will take the kids to his parents at the weekend without me so i can "sort my head out and i should be down the doctors".