To find this very very annoying

[KungBooPanda]

My DH never confirms plans with anyone. He often doesn't plan anything to start with, but he often keeps things vague until last minute.

This Easter weekend we are 'maybe' going to his parents house (about 3 hours from us so we would be staying overnight). I have other people messaging me saying 'shall we pop over during the long weekend for a wine/coffee' and a couple of other things.

I have asked him to confirm either way with his parents and he says 'yeah, i will' but then never calls them. When I press him he says 'oh well i'm sorry your friends are more important than my family' and 'you see friends all the time'.

I just messaged him and said 'are we going to your parents next Friday' and he replied 'not sure yet, why?'

I feel like tearing my hair out.

AIBU? Uptight?

Too late to edit. From your previous post -
Worse thing is that he is at his absolute worst round the PIL. He can be pretty selfish at home but when we are there he really bosses me about. MiL fusses over him and he asks me to get and him the kids stuff or makes jokes at my expense which all seem weirdly for MiL benefit. God knows what's going on there.

If you do go then start saying no. Start refusing to be bossed around. Start asking why he's being mean, a twat, unkind, unpleasant etc. Tell him his jokes are not funny. Refuse to be treated like rubbish. Personally, unless it upset the children too much, I would refuse to go.

DS had an Easter parade this morning and me and DS made a bonnet for before bed last night. H leaving without him meant he missed it. H actually threw the bonnet on the ground

Please let this be the straw that breaks the camel‘s back. Please.

This man is a total abusive cunt.

Don’t teach your children that this is what a relationship should look like.

You're married to a total dud of a man. Please save yourself and your children from this. I cannot stress this enough.

Reading this, I wondered if you were also married to my husband. It's just infuriating. Shall we both leave him and run off together into the sunset where firm plans can be made??

My husband is bad for this too.

so I just started planning. Hey, I know you haven’t bothered (yes bothered or something else like that, acknowledging he’s being a piece of shit for not getting this basic thing done) firming up plans with (whomever) but make sure it’s not this date and time.

and if he comes back with that whinging about his family being important I responding with ‘yes I know and agree, and am always happy to get together. That’s why I’ve been bugging you since (whenever) to make plans with them. We have other people in our lives too that need to plan their lives, so since plans have not been made we are able to plan around that.

anyway. He reconizes it now. And it’s cool with the other plans.

The problem with his family (and his trauma) is that ONLY his sister is the priority. So if he makes plans or arrangements or suggests something it’s ‘oh wonderful- as long as sister doesn’t need us’. Sister is a crazy selfish 40yo child, who sometimes needs (and yes this trumps us, everytime) the grandparents to drive an hour to pick her kid up, drive him 5 mins, then drive the hour home (no visit, no dinner, just do my chore and leave).

anyway. Some families suck. But your husband needs to grow up and make a plan!

I know you're right @AutumnFroglets @Ihearyousingingdownthewire @Newestname002 and others. But God - I feel so miserable.

Gosh what a terrible dad and husband. Making out you have a MH issue? Disgusting. And then the Easter bonnet 💔

Horrid man. You need space away from him. He needs to go to his parents alone at Easter.

I know

You started this thread complaining that DH was just being annoying, a little vent from you in reasonably safe space. But now its ended up as a completely different beast. Take your time, consider your options, but whatever you do please stop being a pushover and accepting crumbs from your master. Go to counselling (for yourself), request he does his own if you want to save your marriage but in the end, you both have to want the same things - and that includes being equal and being supported.

It's often the case on MN, someone starts a thread about something they think is pretty trivial, MN says No, that's wrong, and gradually more and more comes out from the Op. Sometimes @KungBooPanda when you're in the middle of something you can't see the wood for the trees.

You think you’re not being controlled but you are in an indirect way. By taking on all the responsibility but letting him belittle you and do his own thing you are giving him all the control without any accountability.
your husband sounds like he can be emotionally abusive at times.
i lived the same way. My husbands ADHD diagnosis helped me get perspective and set the right kind of boundaries. I have no idea if your husband has ADHD but worth a mention.

He's home. He came in all sheepish. Asked DS (the one with the bonnet) for a cuddle and DS shouted "no" and ran to me. Then H said "please DS" and DS ran off to play. Then he asked me for a cuddle and I said "no, can we just talk later" and now he's suddenly gone angry again. But this time quiet walking round angrily mode, muttering under his breath, tidying. Such a tense atmosphere. I've put on a film for the kids and just willing to get to bedtime. Its a miserable way to live.

@AutumnFroglets I know. Thank u. We have had problems before when I've spoken up about stuff but it's easy to forget. I was genuinely interested to know if it would annoy other people with the lack of planning and if other people had similar with their partners. It doesn't really matter what the latest issue is, but I can see is a pattern that whenever I tell him how i feel about something shit really starts to go wrong.

My husbands ADHD diagnosis helped me get perspective and set the right kind of boundaries. I have no idea if your husband has ADHD but worth a mention.
@Eskimalita - fuck me, I hope your DH doesn't pass off being abusive as ADHD, or did you not bother reading all her posts?

so i can "sort my head out and i should be down the doctors". I told him he was being horrible and he just shouted at me "you're a stupid fucking cunt" in our garden. he then gave me DS back and has driven off without DS .

H leaving without him meant he missed it ((a special event)) . H actually threw the bonnet on the ground.

He certainly doesn't seem very sorry anymore.

He was never sorry. He just knew he’d crossed a line and wasn’t sure which tactic to use to get you to accept the new line he’s drawn. He pretended to be contrite but that didn’t work, so now he’s back to trying to intimidate you with anger. And make no mistake, it is a new line. Now that he has escalated to shouting abuse at you, he will do it again.

He is abusive, OP. I am so sorry, but it will only get worse.

This.

No man who respects their partner calls them a cunt. He will hit you @KungBooPanda , this is just the lead up to it.

He thinks his time is more valuable than yours, it's as simple as that.

You have been enabling him because he has trained you to fear his reaction, and in a way you were right because the one time you have pushed for clarity he became abusive.

He's an awful person.

That's so awful, OP. I would be in shock.

“sorry” was just to get you to beg.

You’re right, it’s a miserable way to live. But you absolutely have the power to change it.

I'm sorry to read your updates.
He's let the mask slip and you've seen the real him. The one he usually hides behind his gaslighting of you.
The verbal abuse this morning, in front of the children, in public, is unexcuseable. He's also blamed you for antagonising him. So it's your fault that he verbally abused you, threw your poor child's Easter bonnet on the floor etc etc. He probably thinks you've 'turned the child against him' with the refusal to hug him.
I would be making a plan to leave. Very soon. Before his verbal abuse becomes physical beyond throwing a child's hat on the ground. Please contact women's aid for advice.

He's in a rage because you aren't going along with his new method of training you to be completely subservient to all his whims. His only intention is to make you afraid to question his plans in future, and to prevent you from making any plans of your own.

I'd have spent part of today looking at how finances would work if separated.

I feel so knackered. My younger DS fell asleep in my arms on the sofa unusually. Just battling the other one into bed and then taking myself to the spare room with a book. Thanks everyone.

Have you got a rubber door stop to jam your bedroom door shut op? I can imagine he won't take you sleeping there well.

I'm so sorry things have escalated in this way.

I suggest that he goes to his parents with or without the kids.

That will give you time and space to let things settle in your mind and for him to reflect also.

Also use this opportunity to tell him exactly how he's making you feel so that he is fully aware of the impact of his behaviour.

It seems that he has seen his father get away with behaving like this and your mother accepting it so he expects the same from you.

Therefore I wouldn't expect his parents to help him understand how his behaviour, particularly about being able to do what he likes when he likes.

That is a very odd thing for him to say. Along with you and his parents walking on egg shells and not pushing for answers so as not to upset him. Hmmmm.