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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed DH has planned a boys trip the weekend of DD’s birthday!

166 replies

LimeLemur · 22/03/2024 14:01

DH has organised for 3 of his mates to come and stay with us for a boys weekend. We definitely discussed this happening and he is now telling me I okayed the dates with him, but I have no recollection of that. Also, I wouldn’t have okayed 3 men coming to stay at ours for a boys weekend on our daughters birthday weekend. I’m wracking my brains as to how this mix up could have happened and can only think that he may have said “my mates are coming on the 24th” and I’ve okayed it not realising they are staying until the 27th (the Monday - DD’s birthday). I’m annoyed at DH and he thinks I’m being completely unreasonable. But I’m upset because why on earth would he arrange to have them her until that date! TBH, I think having a boys weekend that weekend is totally thoughtless to DD who will be turning 8, and even worse that they’ll all be staying at our place.

DH is now annoyed at me saying that he checked this with me in advance, but like I said, I have no memory of this. We live overseas and his mates have all booked their flights so it can’t be cancelled or changed and I’m gutted!! AIBU???

OP posts:
saraclara · 22/03/2024 21:14

SpringtimeBunny · 22/03/2024 21:02

He is suggesting having 3 men staying in the house when you have children? What????

Why is this a problem?

I'm really glad I'm not a man, and assumed to be dangerous as soon as I step into a house with children in it.

StormingNorman · 22/03/2024 21:16

Spirallingdownwards · 22/03/2024 16:08

How long is her party then and why won't he be able to attend and leave his friends to their own devices for the 2 or 3 hours an 8 year old's birthday party would be?

There isn’t a party. This is a total non-issue.

Spirallingdownwards · 22/03/2024 21:32

SpringtimeBunny · 22/03/2024 21:02

He is suggesting having 3 men staying in the house when you have children? What????

He is having some friends to stay like normal people do - even people with children. 🤣

StormingNorman · 22/03/2024 21:36

beanii · 22/03/2024 19:59

The fact that the weekend they'd be celebrating as her birthday is on a weekday, he's arranged for his mates to come 🤷‍♀️

It's pretty much common sense that the party/day out etc would be that weekend.

Show quote history

In my family the birthday party would be the weekend after the birthday, not before.

Onabench · 22/03/2024 21:43

Depends on your plans. We don't do birthday weekends or birthday weeks here. Birthday is on the day. If we make plans, they will fall on the closest available weekend. So I'd plan stuff for the following weekend.
Id just have have a chat explaining, in future can we avoid weekends either side to make planning easier. I wouldn't deliberately make his weekend difficult when your daughter can still have a perfectly lovely birthday.

StormingNorman · 22/03/2024 21:54

OP, what’s really upsetting you? This is such a non-issue.

The friends could even help DD celebrate…perhaps present her with a surprise early birthday cake and play a few games for an hour. Let them all know so they can bring a card or a small gift.

It can be a bonus birthday before her family day on Monday and real birthday party the following week.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 22/03/2024 22:02

he is now telling me I okayed the dates with him

How does he not know when his own dc’s birthday is? Yanbu op, I’d have been so upset at the lack of thought. Does your dd know? Even at 8 years old our dd wouldn’t have let this shit slide, she’d have been pulling the sad eyes before he could say piss up.

Mamabear487 · 22/03/2024 22:12

If her birthdays on the Monday just do it the following weekend it’s not the end of the world

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 22/03/2024 22:34

I think you're being petty. You had no plans for the weekend, even considering it's your daughter's birthday on the Monday.

Mind-bendingly outrageous to say that the people that have booked flights should just suck up the expense of cancelling or changing because the daughter has a birthday the day after they leave. Normally birthday parties happen after the actual birthday if they can't happen on the day.

Not to mention that he says he okayed the date with you but because you don't remember, the insinuation is that he's lying.

Changingplace · 22/03/2024 22:51

SchoolQuestionnaire · 22/03/2024 22:02

he is now telling me I okayed the dates with him

How does he not know when his own dc’s birthday is? Yanbu op, I’d have been so upset at the lack of thought. Does your dd know? Even at 8 years old our dd wouldn’t have let this shit slide, she’d have been pulling the sad eyes before he could say piss up.

Does she know what? That her dad has some mates staying the weekend before her birthday when nothing is planned anyway?

I wouldn’t be so proud of teaching your dd to pull melodramatics about such a non issue.

NewName24 · 23/03/2024 00:20

SpringtimeBunny · 22/03/2024 21:02

He is suggesting having 3 men staying in the house when you have children? What????

Your mind must be a sad place to live.

why on earth aren't parents allowed to have friends ? Confused

Sharptonguedwoman · 23/03/2024 07:41

InTheRainOnATrain · 22/03/2024 14:13

Honestly I wouldn’t think to keep the weekend before my DC’s midweek birthday free. If there’s a day trip or something you have in mind, or her party, can’t you just as easily do that the weekend after? And they’re leaving that day so you can still do a family dinner or whatever you like in the evening, since she’ll presumably be at school in the day not sure how it really changes anything. I know all families have their own traditions so IDK maybe I’m missing something.

This. Thought I was missing something. Maybe the whole thing is not ideal but unless it clashes with a pre-planned party, I can't see the problem. Have a birthday tea on the night, DD can ask a friend or two? Party following weekend?

LlynTegid · 23/03/2024 07:45

Your DDs birthday is not exactly an unexpected event, it doesn't move dates like Easter. So your DH should at the very least have discussed this properly with you.

Though a bit of sympathy lost when you said 'birthday weekend'- please stop inflating events. Don't fall into the trap designed to get you to spend more money than sense on events. There are no 'big birthdays' either.

Confidentialinfo · 23/03/2024 07:55

well if it’s not booked it can be rescheduled now?

If not make the most of it, life is too short - book for you and your daughter to have a night away somewhere fun as a bday treat then do her birthday party the weekend after.

Gcsunnyside23 · 23/03/2024 07:57

0sm0nthus · 22/03/2024 17:53

He's gaslighting you
if the lads turn up I'd do all I could to make sure things dont go well for them.

Wow aren't you a little bit ball of toxic fun. How is he gaslighting?

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 23/03/2024 08:15

SchoolQuestionnaire · 22/03/2024 22:02

he is now telling me I okayed the dates with him

How does he not know when his own dc’s birthday is? Yanbu op, I’d have been so upset at the lack of thought. Does your dd know? Even at 8 years old our dd wouldn’t have let this shit slide, she’d have been pulling the sad eyes before he could say piss up.

Your 8yo would be "pulling the sad eyes" because her dad had some friends over the weekend before her birthday? Really?

That's not something I'd be proud of 😳

AuntMarch · 23/03/2024 08:20

It isn't the "weekend of her birthday" if you haven't planned anything for her birthday. I'd be a bit miffed he hadn't checked there weren't any plans in place for it - but there aren't so what's the issue? Celebrate the day of and the following weekend if you'd normally do a party or day out or something. (I prefer that way round though, don't think the actual birthday is exciting if the celebrations have already happened)

Taytocrisps · 23/03/2024 08:24

I'm on the fence with this one. On the one hand, you haven't arranged a party or anything yet. And the mates will be gone by her actual birthday, so you can just have a family birthday dinner/tea followed by birthday cake. I'm assuming she'll be in school that day anyway. Then arrange a party for the following weekend.

On the other hand, the date should have registered with him and he should have checked what the plans were (if any) for DD's birthday. Sounds like he messed up there, and is covering his tracks by saying you gave him the go ahead for those dates. Maybe you did and maybe you didn't, but you've no way of proving it. I had a similar mix-up with a friend one time. I'm 100% sure we had agreed to meet up on Sat. 23rd. Went to confirm with her nearer the time and she was adamant we'd agreed Sat. 30th. Since we hadn't put it in writing (we'd arranged it over the phone), I'd nothing to fall back on. It was really annoying as I'd organized a babysitter.

All you can do is suck it up, but tell him never to organize anything around that time again. And confirm stuff by text/Whatsapp next time.

saraclara · 23/03/2024 08:26

0sm0nthus · 22/03/2024 17:53

He's gaslighting you
if the lads turn up I'd do all I could to make sure things dont go well for them.

Are you real? Seriously, you'd ruin them weekend of three men who are entirely innocent of any wrongdoing or thoughtlessness in this situation? Can you imagine if a man decided to do that to his wife's friends because he didn't like the idea of their weekend at his home?

Also, FFS, learn the definition of gaslighting.

Ygfrhj · 23/03/2024 08:35

YABVU. I live overseas and getting three friends to clear the same weekend and fly over to visit sounds like a dream. They won't even be there on her actual birthday!

RoseLilyDai · 23/03/2024 08:39

I’d be more disappointed that he didn’t think ‘oh it’s my daughters birthday that weekend, il arrange it for the weekend before or after!’

But my husband would never book to do something on the weekend of the kids birthday.

rookiemere · 23/03/2024 08:53

But the weekend after could also be deemed to be DDs "birthday weekend ".

Look I get he should have checked - heck maybe he even did as OP seems a bit unsure- but trying to get a group of adults together is difficult. If he is generally a decent bloke and as no party is actually planned, surely the best way to respond is shrug shoulders and plan for the following weekend

K0OLA1D · 23/03/2024 08:53

RoseLilyDai · 23/03/2024 08:39

I’d be more disappointed that he didn’t think ‘oh it’s my daughters birthday that weekend, il arrange it for the weekend before or after!’

But my husband would never book to do something on the weekend of the kids birthday.

But it isn't. Her birthday is on the Monday

theleafandnotthetree · 23/03/2024 08:54

RoseLilyDai · 23/03/2024 08:39

I’d be more disappointed that he didn’t think ‘oh it’s my daughters birthday that weekend, il arrange it for the weekend before or after!’

But my husband would never book to do something on the weekend of the kids birthday.

God you sound smug

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 23/03/2024 09:20

RoseLilyDai · 23/03/2024 08:39

I’d be more disappointed that he didn’t think ‘oh it’s my daughters birthday that weekend, il arrange it for the weekend before or after!’

But my husband would never book to do something on the weekend of the kids birthday.

It's a good thing it's not her birthday that weekend then 🤷‍♀️