To be annoyed DH has planned a boys trip the weekend of DD’s birthday!

[LimeLemur]

DH has organised for 3 of his mates to come and stay with us for a boys weekend. We definitely discussed this happening and he is now telling me I okayed the dates with him, but I have no recollection of that. Also, I wouldn’t have okayed 3 men coming to stay at ours for a boys weekend on our daughters birthday weekend. I’m wracking my brains as to how this mix up could have happened and can only think that he may have said “my mates are coming on the 24th” and I’ve okayed it not realising they are staying until the 27th (the Monday - DD’s birthday). I’m annoyed at DH and he thinks I’m being completely unreasonable. But I’m upset because why on earth would he arrange to have them her until that date! TBH, I think having a boys weekend that weekend is totally thoughtless to DD who will be turning 8, and even worse that they’ll all be staying at our place.

DH is now annoyed at me saying that he checked this with me in advance, but like I said, I have no memory of this. We live overseas and his mates have all booked their flights so it can’t be cancelled or changed and I’m gutted!! AIBU???

I think it's this.

We haven’t planned her party yet. I think another issue is I know he’ll be exhausted and hungover on the Monday

Will she be at school? What's he like the rest of the time? If there is a pattern of rubbish unthinking behaviour by a selfish manchild then it's obviously way more problematic than a usually engaged father not associating weekends with birthdays that fall after the weekend.

If your daughter's birthday is on the Monday, and you didn't have plans to celebrate on the Saturday or Sunday, I don't really see the problem here.

Also don't see the problem if you haven't even organised her party yet and isn't that weekend

So they come fri to sun

Her birthday mon

Party /treat following weekend

Mini blondes always has her party weekend after her birthday

I can't have a 6th if I'm 5. I can't have a 7th if I'm 6

I see her way of thinking

If they fly home Sunday then fh wont be that hungover for Monday as won't be drinking sun

Another who can't see the problem (and we know a lot of families who insist that parties have to be after birthdays so the child is actually the birthday age).
He can have his friends over at the weekend.
You can do family birthday stuff on Monday (when presumably DD will be at school for most of the day).

You can have a party the following weekend. DD gets to stretch her birthday over a week, which I am sure will not be an issue for her :)

Same.
The only downside you've actually mentioned is you think he'll be tired after seeing his friends on the weekend
And?
A) he's a grown man, he can deal with being slightly tired for one day. Presumably he's going to be working on the Monday, if he can manage that he can manage spending a few hours with his daughter. Apart from which there's no reason he should be tired, if his friends have left by Sunday he can go to bed early, have a good nights sleep and should be fine by the next day.

B) it's an 8 year olds birthday, what are you planning that requires that much energy. If she's in school then all he has to do is wish her happy birthday and watch her unwrap her presents in the morning and possibly go for a meal or do something fun for an hour or two after school, then she'll be in bed.

If a grown man is too exhausted to be able to make that minimum effort due to having a slightly busy weekend you've got much bigger issues.

Bollocks

Does he have a drinking problem or take hard drugs or something? The mates are leaving Sunday so Saturday night would have to be one hell of a bender for him
to still be hungover on the Monday!!

This reminds me of when my husband had 4 friends visit from overseas. I ended up cooking them all dinner every night but one! We lived quite remotely, so only one restaurant, which wasn’t open every day. DH said I shouldn’t feel obligated to cook for everyone, but WTF was I supposed to do? Cook only enough food for myself and DC, then sit down in front of them all and eat it? That would’ve made me look like a petty asshat. They were out and about all day, so if I had not cooked anything for anyone, including DCs, then asked DH when he walked in, ‘So what are you cooking for dinner then?’ would have again made me look like a petty asshat. It was a no-win situation. He should have never put me in that situation. Luckily he’s matured a lot since then and now knows better than to pull that shit. He just got wrapped up in the excitement of having the friends over, agreed to have them stay at ours, didn’t think about the logistics, and was surprised when it fell on my plate. 😕

he doesnt drink often, but a 2 day hangover is par for the course for him. And also, it will be one hell of a bender. He hasn’t seen these particular friends in a few years.

To the point where he can’t pop a couple of nurofen get through an after school dinner and present opening since presumably DD is at school in the day? Is he not going to work on the Monday? If he can cope with work he can cope with whatever you’d normally do to celebrate as a family on the day of!

I agree.

I’d be making her cake on the Sunday though so I’d be clear with him that he’s not trashing the kitchen for a massive fry up and leaving crap everywhere. And he will be expected to get up early on Monday for her presents.

It's still not clear when your DD's celebrations are going to be.
If they're meant to be on the weekend, and there's a good chance he knew that/you'd discussed it/he could have inferred as much, YANBU.
If the party is the only thing happening and it's on her actual birthday, YABU, although I would say he needs not to be hung over on his DD's birthday because you'll need him to do his share of hosting etc.

How about making that whole week a birthday celebration for your daughter?

little quiet family gathering/dinner on the Monday.

silly puddings or meals all week and a big party on the Friday or Saturday at the end of the week so her birthday week goes out with a bang?

It sounds like you both didn’t communicate very well over the dates. Your DD won’t be bothered long term. In 20 years she won’t even recall (as long as he’s normally a good pops?) this blip.

good luck with it all. x

I'd have a lovely party on the Sunday, which his mates can both help with and be guests

Wouldn't even have it on my mind to do anything the weekend before. We always have a teaparty on the actual birthday and then whatever treat or activity the weekend after?

Pretty much what I was going to say!

OP if you haven’t actually arranged anything that weekend I don’t see the big deal? Won’t your dd be at school on a Monday anyway?

Just arrange her party or whatever you’re planning to do the weekend after, I don’t get the drama tbh I assumed it was because you’d got a massive party planned.

How long is her party then and why won't he be able to attend and leave his friends to their own devices for the 2 or 3 hours an 8 year old's birthday party would be?

I can't see what the fuss is about. Her birthday is not the Saturday or Sunday. I've been hungover on my child's birthday, we all survived. If there's no party booked then that can be held on the following weekend.

There isn’t a party planned.

So even less of an issue then 🙄

This ^

and this

I don't really see the big deal - but we usually choose whichever of the two weekends around our children's birthday as their party or celebration day is more convenient. So can't you do that - i.e celebrate the weekend following her birthday as well as on her birthday itself when they aren't there?

I can't see the issue here.

Won’t she be at school on the Monday anyway? Surely the most you’d do is a birthday tea with cake?

I think you’re clutching at straws and projecting your irritation to be complaining he’ll be hungover, what would he actually need to do on the Monday anyway?

The mix up didn't happen, he forgot it was his Daughters birthday and is now trying to make out it is your fault.