Can school do this? - managed move

[Bonnyswannie]

My dd is struggling at her very strict academy school. Whilst it works for some it does not for my dd and she has gone from well behaved to being pulled up for things like uniform and forgotten items to now what they call disrespectful behaviour
my dd worries about school a lot at home and we applied to a new school that is less strict about u forms and bags and I felt may be a better match.
my dd has a lot of negative behaviours points and a 1 day suspension since year 8 - nothing before that.
the new school has accepted and it’s all going through yet today my dd’s current school said they would speak to new school as due to her negative behaviours she would need a managed move. I called them this morning for help as dd was up worrying last night and not wanting to come and now we are being told this.
i asked for this in writing and they have said the new school could request due to the amount of negative behaviours. Can they do this?
my dd is undergoing assessment for ADHD she’s not aggressive or nasty or anything she does forget stuff and she can back chat . Some lessons she excels in and there are 3 subjects she is rarely in as Sw gets sent out for back chat about things that are missing. Not ideal but dd says they talk to her like crap and it makes her feel shit

While it’s true that teachers don’t get enough respect in our society, I have to say the presence of some of the nastiest, most hostile teachers in England on Mumsnet isn’t really helping matters.

Wow - who has been excessively nasty or hostile?

I just see teachers and ex teachers telling it like it is.

Obiously not. It would be ridiculous to diagnose anyone solely by virtue of a partial description in a social media post, just as it is ridiculous to say a child is definitely not ND on the same basis.

However, in this case we know the child is going through diagnosis, and frankly CAMHS does not begin that process without having pretty strong evidence of a likely problem in their field. We also have the fact that the child was previously well behaved till she moved to a very strict secondary school that is not making reasonable adjustments, she's forgetting even basic things in a manner very strongly suggestive of attention problems, she's in tears every day, unable to sleep and/or having melt downs before even getting into school. That is simply not in any way indicative of a neurotypical child.

It's also ludicrous to say that because "many" children with ADHD don't behave in the same way, then this child can't have ADHD. In addition, many ADHD features may appear rude when they're not intended to be - it's just the result of being unable to lie. It's very frequently the child with ADHD who is not properly supported or understood who comes over as rude whether they intend it or not.

Hostile teachers? Or weak apologist parents?

Equally the lengths some people will go to to blame behaviour on neurodiversity.

It goes both ways on here,

Ah a crass generalisation, that will help.

I wish your daughter all the best in her new school. I hope she settles in quickly and finds her teachers more approachable.

You have had a hard time from quite a lot of others. It hasn’t been put across kindly but there is a glimmer of truth in some of the things being said.

I am sure you are exhausted and fed up of the same conversations, the repetitive cycle of negativity etc but you have got to help her. Don’t keep nagging- do something!

Keep a timetable up and go through it the night before- don’t wait till morning when you are both rushed.
Pack PE kits the night before and leave by front door.
Lay out clothes and shoes the night before.
Check pencil case and replenish every night or have 5 and take a fresh one each day.
Don’t allow her to take jewellery to school.

You have to work with your DD too. You can’t just expect school to make allowances. If you can ensure she has the right kit, she won’t be worried about not having it and won’t feel the need to wag lessons. Remove the fuel and you won’t end up fighting the fire.

She has a new start ahead of her. Start it off on the right foot.

But others have come across it. The fact that you haven't heard of it doesn't mean it doesn't happen. There are schools, virtually all academies, which have ludicrously rigid discipline systems which mean that a minor offence or two spirals into an exclusion all too easily, especially if those systems do not allow concessions for disability, which again is the case far too often.

Wow, way to go demonising parents. Many, many teachers do recognise the reality of neurodiversity, which is why it is so depressing when you come across someone who refuses to do so and you realise that this person is inflicting themselves and their fundamental misanthropy on children every day.

At this point we just have to hope you’re a troll trying to get a rise out of strangers on the internet, because the possibility that you actually evince this attitude around children and parents is a lot more damning.

What people don’t realise is that I don’t minimise, oh put loads of consequences in, iv worked with the school, I continually tell dd what’s right and wrong the list goes on

but I asked can the school change my in year transfer (because I’m trying so hard to help my dd, this is one of many things I’m doing) to a managed move

the world really is a judgemental place
no wonder so many parents feel alone

It is in fact my honesty on here that’s lead a lot of people to label my dd as a naughty kid and label me as a mum that minimises. Yet thankfully there are some lovely people that understand to address these things you need to understand it. I’ll never give up on her and I bet if a lot of you look into your teenage years you weren’t so innocent.
you assume so much and take so much out of contex

I was a child that was missed, forgotten and labeled as someone who didn’t give a shit when in fact I had adhd, no support at home and a desire to really make something of myself but no way of doing that. 25 years after leaving school I found a way to make a success out of life. My dream
for my dd is to cut those 25 years of shit out and make her life was happy as possible. Why are some people insistent that I label her and just assume she’s a shit perosn. Do none of you understand that a ‘naughty’ child is a hurting child? With their needs unmet. Why do parents have to get such abuse from
people when they step out and ask for help?

Thing is she’s not even a naughty child, she’s a child with ADHD and lack of focus and forgetting stuff is part of it, I don’t know if she’s on medication (haven’t read the whole thread) but this was a game changer for DS. Even then he would lose stuff in school, he’s also autistic and in Y7 staff really would have to walk him back through his day to locate whatever he lost.

The biggest problem is most schools are in turmoil, they don’t have time to stand still never mind look backwards with a child. The school your DD is in would have been a nightmare for DS. These ultra strict schools can be amazing for kids but only if they fall into place and comply with what’s being asked. This is not easy for kids with any kind of neurodiversity although some would thrive on the order of it all.

I hope your DD gets on well in her new school and that it’s a better fit for her.

I don’t think your child is naughty or that you are a terrible parent. You are clearly trying to do what you can for her.

What I was saying is, I understand how exhausting and monotonous it is having the same arguments everyday. Asking have you got X? Have you done Y? the child says yes then gets to school not having done either. If you can remove some of these triggers it will start your days much nicer.

I regularly look after a friend’s child that has ADHD. The parents are lovely but the child is often all over the place because of broken routines. When things are in the right place, when properly prepared and ready in advance, the child is so much more relaxed and happy. It is still easy for them to lose focus etc but it is much easier to bring them back round when everything else has gone smoothly. The less chaos around them reduces the level of chaos they feel.

Do you have any real life support?