Am I being unreasonable - I don’t actually like people

[CaterhamReconstituted]

I’ve been feeling this way for a while, a kind of permanent low anxiety, and I think I’ve figured out what it is - I don’t think I actually like being around people.

I mean, I like some people more than others, I’m not socially inept, I get on with people and I have friends and family. I don’t live alone. I enjoy company sometimes. But I like being on my own a lot more than I like being with other people. I get irritated by little things that people do or say that are probably quite innocuous. I never say anything, but I get this rising feeling of disdain bubbling away inside me.

I crave being on my own it, and sometimes I will carve out time for it. It’s not always easy. I never feel lonely on my own. I’m even considering going on holiday on my own, even though Ive never done it before, and some people may find that a bit weird.

Im nearly 40 so I’ve pretty much become the person I am and I’ve come to terms with that. But I’m not sure if there is something “wrong” with me or not.

Yes, I am the same. I don't think it's unusual at all. Most people put their own interests first and being around others requires you to put that to one side. I'm in my 40s and can't be bothered to do that any more, the benefits of social interaction don't offer enough to me so I'm happier on my own.

I have a toddler now and can't relate at all to mums who talk about loneliness or wanting to spend time chatting to other mums - I'd feel that would get in the way of my plans and be a waste of my time. Roll on the school years when I'll have days of spending hours on my own!

I in my sixties and have definitely felt like this since my twenties. I’m sure it’s just part of the introvert/extrovert scale.

A friend once said to me “some people get their energy from other people, and some people get their energy from things” By things I’ve always assumed she meant books, films, gardening or whatever it is that doesn’t need interaction with people.

Im divorcing and live alone. I love being by myself and never get lonely. I’ve had moments during this last stressful year (divorce), where I have felt the need to seek companionship and I’m now resolved to keep a few good people in my life where I can be a good friend to them.

I find myself uncomfortable in busy places, supermarkets, shopping, restaurants etc. So I tend to only go places when it will be less busy. I know I am physically making my world smaller, but in my head there is no end to the worlds can inhabit.

My only dilemma is that every article about aging says that being social is a positive. But most of the time I’m happier being on my own - it’s like not eating for the simple reason you are not hungry.

I actually think it’s a positive thing to be. I can’t see me whining to my children/grandchildren, ‘I’m so lonely, why don’t you visit me more often?” Even if frailty and disability become my lot, we have the world at the touch of our fingertips and most things can be delivered.

Im soon to finalise my divorce and I will be looking for a small cottage, with a biggish garden, no close neighbours, no busy road and as many cats as I want!
i think there are quite a few posters who will think I am living the dream. I also have the noise phobia as I age. Is it called misophonia?

Pinterest has some amusing memes about how tedious extroverts are!!!!

I'm Gen X too, and my tolerance for people in general, apart from my kids and a few close friends is almost zero

Give me animals any day over humans

It’s a strange thing to feel comfortable in shunning the world. I wasn’t sure how unusual it was because such people, by definition, don’t make a big deal out of it, they just withdraw - and, as we’ve seen from this thread, there’s still a bit of prejudice out there towards introverts and we are accused of being misanthropic and thinking you are better than everyone else etc. The same thing happens to non-drinkers - going against society’s default setting.

This reminds me that Kant said that there was a danger of people seeing other people as a means to an end, rather than an end in and of themselves.

I like people. I am a person. But increasingly I witness and experience for myself that there is more selfishness, less kindness, less respect and I think a lot of it is born out of the fact that many people "hate people" because they themselves have been on the receiving end of others behaviour.

Yes. That’s the reason that I enjoyed Covid.
Kept all the fuckers away without needing an explanation.
Best time of my life. Didn’t need to hear anybody’s problems for weeks.

I agree here.

It's all a bit smug, and a way to put others down

Where I would agree, is the type of person who says they 'hate' people, maybe talks about violent things and is vulnerable. Socially isolated and possibly bullied. May be unemployed, depressed, angry at the world rightly it wrongly.

A generally well adjusted person saying they don't enjoy being around others isn't relevant to any of the above. This list is just way too much for what is a simple comment about not liking to be sociable all the time.

@GoodfortheGoose I totally agree there

I only have a few people I like. However I came out of an abusive marriage 6 months ago. It's maybe that I more don't trust people over I don't like them.

I keep my circle small. I am much happier this way.

I try very hard to not let anyone disturb my peace.

I'm in my 40s now, have always lived alone, and love it. I used to make myself go to events/ big gatherings and parties because I felt I should, or to keep others happy, but always found them draining.

I saw the light around 40 and only attend things I really want to now. I crave time alone and am never bored. I do have good friends but we don't see each other all that regularly, which suits me. Give me a good book over a wild night out!

I genuinely love meeting people and surround myself with good ones. I am
also a thoughtful person and a very good friend. I love laughing with friends of years and new ones. I like my interactions with the dry cleaner, postman and barista I have known for years. I enjoy random chats with people who might talk to me in a queue. I am also good at giving people space and sensing when someone might want to be left alone. I really value every positive interaction with someone, whether they are a stranger or someone I have known for years. I feel it is good for my soul and health.

I dislike mean and selfish people. I dislike poor customer service. I hate people being rude to others, esp if they are in a position of power. I love time to myself and am happy with my own company too. I am not sociable 24/7 and have a decent balance.

I wonder if some people surround themselves with difficult people and wonder why that might be. There are all sorts of people in the world. Wilfully excluding them might not be the best option. Like people who say they hate everyone on the school run and refuse to talk to other parents. I worked full time but made every effort I could to smile and engage when I could. My kids benefitted from that. People can be defensive about this stuff and alienate others for no good reason.

No wonder other cultures think Brits are aloof and unfriendly!

Exactly the same. Husband three decades older, very decent man, no work, no kids, very few relatives.
Bliss. 44yo.
🙂

I love being around people in quality doses. I’ll quite often be sat in a group and really want to just leave and sit alone with my book 📕 🤷‍♀️

I'm the same. People get on my nerves and I find the majority dull, boring and self obsessed . Obviously they may think the same about me 😂

I have friends but am always glad to get home after seeing them.

My ILs drive me batty and are hard work to be around. My parents to a lesser degree.
The only company I really enjoy is my DDs but even then I'm relieved after she's fallen asleep each evening.
I'm horrible 😅 I fantasise about living only with cats in old age.

I'm an older millennial and was an emo so there may be some truth in what a pp said!

I’m like this aswell

I guess everyone is different. So it’s fine to a degree.

I WFH and live alone and don’t attend regular weekly clubs. The idea of going back to commuting to work regularly is awful to me, so in some ways I suppose I’m a massive introvert. But actually part of that may be because I’m not keen on public transport and I don’t drive. I’m not too bad once I’m the office, it’s getting there that’s the biggest stressor!

I’m happily alone most weekends, if I’m not with my partner, working on my creative projects and I often go on solo holidays abroad. But then last weekend for example I met up with 3 friends individually over two days and had a great one hour chat with two random strangers in the train on the way back up. So yeah i can still be sociable…once in a while 😆

I think I like a balanced life,a lot of alone time but once a month or so to get out there and socialise! And it’s not that I hate people individually ,I’m just not keen on crowds but I’m fine to interact one on one with people.

I do sometimes joke that I hate people but personally I don’t really mean it . And I can tell you so many stories of human kindness I’ve experienced from people I know and love, as well as from complete strangers . However, I’m beginning to think some people do mean they “hate people” though - especially the ones who go on about dogs being superior( just check all the threads about dog owners who refuse to stop their dogs bothering people including small scared kids/ those with phobias and allergies ) 😏 and that is a bit worrying.

I don't particularly like being around people. I never have. There are certain people I talk to when I go into certain shops, but aside from that, I avoid busy times so I don't have to deal with all those people.
I also spend a large part of my life being a hermit and only surface when I have to.

People suck you dry. Give me solitude any day and my animals.

Same here. It came with age for me, too. Bloody love my life now-nobody to think about apart from myself, and the cat/dogs.

There's an epidemic of people who struggle with their day to day interaction with other people at the moment (you see it on here and elsewhere -- people going on about being "peopled out" etc), some of it is rebadged as being "introvert" which is inaccurate and some of it is actively celebrated as some sort of liberation from society and I find this deeply worrying.

This is only one way of looking at it, though. You seem to be telling people that their own self-perceptions are wrong, which seems a trifle arrogant.

And I don't necessarily agree that the phenomenon you talk about here it 'rebadging'. Personally as an introvert I know I will always have to push past my introversion to an extent in order to live a meaningful life, but lockdown absolutely did teach me to stop giving myself a hard time about being an introvert regardless of the bashing introverts get on Mumsnet and to be more selective about who I chose to spend time with once restrictions were lifted. It isn't 'liberation from society', or not for me at any rate, it's deciding who/what matters most and not wasting time on unsatisfying social obligations any more unless they will benefit me or someone I care about.

I can't speak for anyone else, but personally I do feel happier for having redrawn the parameters somewhat and leant into my introversion a little more than I used to.

Why did you feel the need to put 'introvert' and 'peopled out' in quotes, by the way?

About 1/4 are narcissistic (according to Dr Ramani who is an expert) so it’s not “people” but a good chunk of people are absolutely awful

I don't think so actually. I am Gen X (Born 50-ish years ago,) and I feel exactly the same as the OP. I used to be really social, and loved having people around for drinks and parties. I didn't mind people staying, and welcomed uninvited and unexpected visitors. I used to have my DCs friends staying the whole weekend, and even when they were at uni their mates would stay 3-5 days.

Then I hit mid 40s, and just started to get irked by people, and preferred my own company. (And DH's and DCs sometimes LOL.) I hate visitors, and I HATE answering the door when I am not expecting anyone. Yeah I know some people on Mumsnet will think I'm a freak, but it's my life, and it's nobody else's business how I feel. I don't have to explain myself.

@Poachedeggavocado · Today 13:07

I think I was a lot more sociable in my 20s and even 30s, then I had kids and now Im early 50s I've had quite enough of people thank you. I would love to have a little bolthole that I could go to for hours at a time and have no one speak to me or breathe near me. Bliss.

@abracadabra1980 · Today 20:19

Same here. It came with age for me, too. Bloody love my life now-nobody to think about apart from myself, and the cat/dogs.

Yep this. DC have left home now, DH works 4 days a week, and I work 2 days (WFH,) and I have shit loads of time to myself for my hobbies and interests, and going to 'my' little bolthole of the woodlands near my home! 😁 Or the canal or the river.

I just see my friends for coffee/pub lunch etc, (some weeks,) but no-one visits, (apart from DC once or twice a month, and we visit them too,) and that's how I like it. Both sets of parents have passed, brother and SIL and their son and daughter live abroad, (have done 7-8 years and I only see them once a year,) DH's brother and SIL live 500 miles away with their DD, (see them twice a year,) and he has no other close living extended family, (he lost touch with them 20 ish years ago when his folks died.) Our DC are independent, and we only have one cat left. When she is gone we'll have no more pets. I have very little extended family, (just half a dozen) and see them 2 or 3 times a year. (Birthdays/Christmas etc...)

I love having NO responsibilities. If I don't want to socialise/see anyone, then I won't. And as I said, I won't answer the door to anyone if I don't feel like it, and I don't give a shiny shite what people think. Other peoples opinions are irrelevant.

My dream right there!!

just started to get irked by people, and preferred my own company. (And DH's and DCs sometimes LOL.) I hate visitors, and I HATE answering the door when I am not expecting anyone. Yeah I know some people on Mumsnet will think I'm a freak

I think most people on MN are like you. Even on this thread.

OP you should definitely go on holiday on your own! I do every year, love it. Who cares if anyone thinks it's weird.