Am I being unreasonable - I don’t actually like people

[CaterhamReconstituted]

I’ve been feeling this way for a while, a kind of permanent low anxiety, and I think I’ve figured out what it is - I don’t think I actually like being around people.

I mean, I like some people more than others, I’m not socially inept, I get on with people and I have friends and family. I don’t live alone. I enjoy company sometimes. But I like being on my own a lot more than I like being with other people. I get irritated by little things that people do or say that are probably quite innocuous. I never say anything, but I get this rising feeling of disdain bubbling away inside me.

I crave being on my own it, and sometimes I will carve out time for it. It’s not always easy. I never feel lonely on my own. I’m even considering going on holiday on my own, even though Ive never done it before, and some people may find that a bit weird.

Im nearly 40 so I’ve pretty much become the person I am and I’ve come to terms with that. But I’m not sure if there is something “wrong” with me or not.

I’m 64 and like this to a great extent. I like being with my husband, but sometimes I love just being with my dog. I consider myself a socially skilled introvert. I am at ease with other people and often happy to a bit of a chat, but preferably not for too long. I’d rather avoid most social events. Even with loved members of extended family, I prefer no more than a few hours. On the occasions when they are longer, I kind of need to withdraw for any other social interaction for a day or two to emotionally recharge! As I have got older, I accept that is me and it’s a perfectly valid way for me to live my life. I’m happy to be me. I think there are for more people like us than is generally known.

People are exhausting. And being alone is addictive. You have to shoehorn me out the house these days 😂

Maybe you aren't surrounding yourself with the right people.

I've definitely got more insular as I've got older. Prefer spending time with my immediate family (parents and children) to seeing friends these days whereas I would've been out every day of the week with a different group in my 20s.

But the topic of conversation was probably more interesting in our 20s as people were going on dates and holidays and interviews for new careers and promotions. Now most conversations are about school runs and cost of living, so no surprise more people want to avoid it!

I find this a bit depressing. I live alone and have travelled alone (both through choice) and do value solitude sometimes, but I also have lots of friends and really enjoy socialising and being around people. I work in a public-facing job add think the large majority of people are nice.

I feel like anyone who declares that they don’t like spending time around people just doesn’t know the right ones! I’ve been through some shit recently and definitely couldn’t have coped without my circle of lovely supportive friends and colleagues.

This is all very fashionable at the moment but recent research has shown that the happiest people are people who have strong relationships, have social encounters frequently and who look out to the community not in to themselves.

I do wonder whether this youth mental health crisis we’re being told about is a result of this me-time, self-care trend.

I’m not quite advocating National Service, but I think it might do people good to put themselves out very slightly to make a contribution to their communities.

Nothing wrong with it. I'm a social butterfly in a lot of people's eyes but I love and need my solitude. I love being in nature with animals and a set few people. It heals me.

I quite like people individually (not in groups), but I don't like spending much time with them. I have a client facing role and definitely need a weekend of minimal interaction to recharge. I live a quiet life in the middle of a busy city, which for me is perfect.

What I am struggling with is the realization that humans are a scourge on the planet. Maybe its middle aged but I can't help thinking that it would just be better if we were all just wiped out. I avoid a lot of the news for this reason.

Good post. I do actually think national service would be a good thing. It would force people to get out of their comfort zone, and give many young people confidence.

Classic introvert. Perfectly normal. It's been drummed into us we have to be an extrovert to succeed but it just isn't true.

So there’s this thing called introversion

I would say most people are NOT "awful", actually.
There have been some really sensible, sensitive and insightful comments on this thread but I find this blanket rubbishing of most people really, really dispiriting.
I would suggest the people who have a problem with seemingly ALL other people are the ones that need the most self examination.
I like my own company, but for the sake of my own MH, I accept invitations, and value the efforts of others to think of me and include me in their plans.
There have been plenty of studies supporting the value of social interaction in health, longevity and general well being.
I'm grateful for others but also grateful for solitude.

So perfectly put Thepeopleversuswork.
Thank you.

@Thepeopleversuswork and @Cottoncandyflavaflav
I agree with both of you. I think "other people" are amazing, when you scratch the surface I find people generally helpful, kind, funny, warm.

Dogs are shit too. Surround yourself with nobody.

Agree. It’s the old adage: when it feels like everyone around you is an arsehole could it just possibly be that you’re the arsehole?

This is all very fashionable at the moment but recent research has shown that the happiest people are people who have strong relationships, have social encounters frequently and who look out to the community not in to themselves.

@HeddaGarbled it's not really a question of what's 'fashionable'. The optimal balance points between looking out and looking in are simply different for many introverts than for extroverts. A lot of us need that inward-looking time in order to recharge so we can get the most out of social encounters and being out in the community. I'm guessing from your post that you're an extrovert yourself (though correct me if I'm wrong), but while I agree that most people need to balance looking inward and outward in order to have a meaningful life, different people have different balance points and your comment above feels prescriptive, like you're telling introverts what they need and how they ought to change in order to be happier, based on an extrovert's perception of what is optimal. Though, like I say, correct me if I'm wrong about you being an extrovert yourself.

So now you're calling people arseholes as well? Nice.

There's a fair bit of that (i.e. essentially telling introverts that they are the problem) on this thread, alongside the usual tired (and tiresome, and untrue) accusations that introverts think they're superior by virtue of being introverts. Why are some people so resistant to the fact that introverts are simply calibrated differently? I don't consider myself superior and I don't know any introverts who do, we're just not wired the same as extroverts. I find it depressing that these tired tropes are still being trotted out, although I'll probably be adjured by some kind soul to stop introverting and get out more so I can be less depressed. 🙄

@Riapia Why do you call them "fuckers", though?

@thepastinsidethepresent
Thank you, exactly this!

This in spades. ^ And I do get sick and tired of people mocking and berating people who don't want to socialise much/don't want to answer the door when they're not expecting anyone/don't want to answer the phone etc. People are different, and because a person is very sociable, has 15 friends, goes out 3 times a week, and answers the door to the world and his wife, and answers every phone call etc, that doesn't mean they're better people than those who prefer solitude and don't want to socialise much. As @thepastinsidethepresent said, it's not introverts who come across as thinking they are better, it's the extroverts/social butterflies. (Not all, but some...)

Introverts, and people who don't care to socialise much - and have very few friends - are always mocked on here and it really pisses me off. Even in real life some people do this. As I said me and DH are quite solitary. Wwe used to be waaaay more sociable and have loads of people around, having parties and BBQs etc, but this past 6-8 years we have preferred the quiet life.)

But yeah DH is more solitary than me... He has no friends now, but he does have 2 colleagues at work who he has a coffee with twice a month at Starbucks. But he doesn't have any hobbies, or mates outside work. (He used to pre mid 2010s, but he doesn't now.)

My DD is always on at him to go out more, and to get some hobbies, and to mix more socially. She is mid 20s and has about 20 friends, and is out all the time. She goes away with friends 5 or 6 times a year for long weekends, sometimes with her partner sometime without, and is always planning social events.

Her partners mum and dad (same age as us) have a dozen friends between them, and THEY go out a lot too and are always socialising. So DD is always mithering DH to make new friends and 'get out more' and calls him 'a bit sad' for being so introvert.. But he is happy as he is, and is a bit fed up of her badgering him.

She doesn't mither me as much as I have a handful of friends I socialise with every few weeks, and I go to a couple of hobby groups. I just don't have anyone in my house, and hate unexpected/uninvited people coming. And I prefer my own company a lot of the time and go walking a lot - on my own.

She does make the odd comment towards me though, and can't fathom why I want to walk alone, and says 'why don't you join the village walking group?' I can't think of anything worse tbh. I like to be alone and go at my own pace, choose my own trail, stop when I want to etc. And above all, I like to NOT have to constantly make conversation with people!!! I don't hate people, and get on with everyone in general, and I will happily chat to people I meet when outside/on a walk etc. I just don't care to socialise much!

But yeah, why can't the 'social butterflies' just leave the people alone who aren't fussed about bothering with anyone most of the time? Why are they so bothered? Why do they give so much time and thought and energy to the introverts, and mock and berate them for not being like them? Just leave them alone. What other people do is none of your concern. Capiche?!

I find people really hard work, can happily spend most of my time alone, go on holiday alone etc… Was very different when DH was alive and we also lived outside Britain, it was a totally different more relaxed life.

I've been sickened at your responses on another thread, OP, you're not wrong - you don't like people. Best you steer clear for everybody's sake.

I have found out that I can remove threads from my list... that's where this one is going.

@thepastinsidethepresent

There's a fair bit of that (i.e. essentially telling introverts that they are the problem) on this thread, alongside the usual tired (and tiresome, and untrue) accusations that introverts think they're superior by virtue of being introverts. Why are some people so resistant to the fact that introverts are simply calibrated differently?

But I’m deliberately and carefully not talking about introverts. I’m talking about the people who cheerfully pipe up that they “hate people”.

Everyone understands that introverts are calibrated differently, I can completely understand and relate this and I think managing this as best you can is completely reasonable.

And by the way it’s hard to miss this and the sheer volume of threads about it on here is an example: people telling the world about their introversion at every opportunity as if it was a radical idea. It’s really not; about a quarter of the threads on here are about people who can’t cope with other people in various ways. We get it: you need time to recover and recharge and you find people difficult. Loud and clear. It’s not surprising and it doesn’t make you particularly interesting.

But saying you “hate people” goes way beyond being an introvert. It tips into aggression and, yes, arrogance. And I do think it’s quite reasonable to suggest to anyone who is assuming that everyone outside their immediate family is hateful that perhaps they and their mindset are the problem, and they might want to work on themselves rather than shit talking everyone else.

Op Im the same. If I'm in town shopping , snatches of conversation I hear irritate me to eye rolling levels
I like to on my own.dont enjoy parties or meet ups..
Maybe I'm just a boring snotty cow

I agree, what’s with the “people suck” trend??

It’s a weird smug kind of flex, because they’re obviously not including themselves in their blanket assessment of mankind. So they’re basically saying they’re better than most people.

Reality is, there are a few really awful people, a few really amazing people, and a lot of basically decent people who have their fair share of flaws and red flags. And you’re probably one of those (especially if you’re bitching out the rest of the human race).