Am I being unreasonable - I don’t actually like people

[CaterhamReconstituted]

I’ve been feeling this way for a while, a kind of permanent low anxiety, and I think I’ve figured out what it is - I don’t think I actually like being around people.

I mean, I like some people more than others, I’m not socially inept, I get on with people and I have friends and family. I don’t live alone. I enjoy company sometimes. But I like being on my own a lot more than I like being with other people. I get irritated by little things that people do or say that are probably quite innocuous. I never say anything, but I get this rising feeling of disdain bubbling away inside me.

I crave being on my own it, and sometimes I will carve out time for it. It’s not always easy. I never feel lonely on my own. I’m even considering going on holiday on my own, even though Ive never done it before, and some people may find that a bit weird.

Im nearly 40 so I’ve pretty much become the person I am and I’ve come to terms with that. But I’m not sure if there is something “wrong” with me or not.

Totally agree with you. Some people seem to regard themselves as so superior to most that they hate breathing the same air. I live alone, I holiday alone also. Both of which I enjoy. However I am humble enough to realise that we all benefit from connecting with others.

But it isn’t my friends, it’s others. Bits of conversations I hear etc, all the time. I lose faith in people a bit. Everyone’s always got something to say that is totally needless hence I keep myself to myself more because I can’t be arsed.

I would definitely not be arsed if I thought people were talking about me like that. I don't think they are, though. Or I hope not.

I never hear anything like this? Literally never in my life have I heard anyone say they are better than someone else because they have xyz.

They might not say the words ‘’I am better than’’ but it’s implied, in snide remarks, sarcasm. It’s the social hierarchy. What the fuck is she wearing!?’’ Or, ‘’oh yeah she got a new car the other day and keeps mentioning it, it’s only a crappy old thing!’’ These are every day phrases by people. I think you’re lucky if you don’t hear such things fairly regularly. But I guess I’ve been accused of acting superior on here so 😂

Then I suggest you go to different parties because the ones you currently go to seem, by your account, to be characterised by unusually unpleasant people. Obviously there will always be a scattering of wankers, but I don't recognise this as in any way the general tenor of conversation among anyone I know -- work, friends, hobbies, community stuff, school run, friends of friends, people at parties, people on the bus etc.

I'm the same. I have a circle of close friends,and I'm close to my DD and DGD,but most other people,I'm a bit 'meh'. I'm certainly not what you'd call a 'people person'. To be honest,I find having to deal with lots of people that I don't know very well rather exhausting. It's got worse the older I've got. I find so many people nowadays are selfish,self-absorbed or just generally uncaring towards others that I find I'm really going off the human race.

people have made remarks about how ugly someone else is or how ridiculous the dress someone’s wearing is,

Can I ask how old you are? I am in my fifties and have never heard someone call someone else ugly. That’s just hideous. Maybe teens do it? No wonder you dislike people if this is what you surround yourself with.

I’m 35, trust me grown adults do it, or say other things. It’s a shocker I know.

Ah yes the DH who is always magically excluded from the “people are shit” syndrome.

I strongly suspect that most of the people who say they only need DH and the “little family” are parroting back the rhetoric of a controlling DH who has been grooming them into believing that people are shit and it’s “just us against the world”.

Do you think? Could be, I suppose. Otherwise you are left with the magic 'everyone is awful except lovely DH and/or DCs' exceptionalism.

@YoureALizardHarry11
I'd give up trying to explain, I understand exactly where you're coming from, it's just a shame your words are being twisted. But that's MN for you!

I have absolutely no doubt that a minority of unpleasant people behave this way, but I think that is @YoureALizardHarry11 is encountering this as overheard snatches of conversation from the majority of people she encounters at parties, she is very unlucky, and should definitely find other places to hang out.

Even in the only place I've lived that I really disliked, and did find bitchier than average (a village with very few blow-ins where almost all the parents of DS's classmates had gone to the same village school, married one another and settled locally, and it sometimes seemed as if they were still playing out their schooldays), there was as much formulaic 'Oh you're so pretty/tiny/slim' as covert insults.

Thank you! I’m convinced several people knew what i
meant and chose to deliberately twist it. Another reason to dislike people 🤪 😂

😂

@NotestoSelf

Do you think? Could be, I suppose. Otherwise you are left with the magic 'everyone is awful except lovely DH and/or DCs' exceptionalism.

Maybe. I think a lot of people (of both sexes) basically only spend a brief period of their life socialising and dating under sufferance in order to find someone to settle down with as quickly as they possibly can so they can shack up, pop out some kids and pull the shutters down on the outside world sharpish. Then the "our little family" narrative sets in and they convince themselves everyone outside the nuclear family is out to get them.

Until they hit middle age, one of them gets bored and fucks off and then the one that's left suddeny goes "where have all my friends gone?"

The same friends they spent decades avoiding and trash-talking because they have "my little family". I've seen it happen so many times.

@YoureALizardHarry11

Thank you! I’m convinced several people knew what i
meant and chose to deliberately twist it. Another reason to dislike people 🤪

So the fact that some people disagree with you in your mind confirms that people are mostly shit. Right oh... If ever there were an example of a self-fulfilling prophecy....

No, it’s just that I knew that people were purposely twisting things by saying things I didn’t say , or things I did say and shoe horning different interpretations into it.

@Thepeopleversuswork You make interesting and perhaps valid points. I am a sociable introvert. I certainly don’t hate people and I don’t find socialising at all difficult, but after a few hours in a social situation, I start to kind of ‘drift’, feel like I’m done, lose interest. No one would notice it, it’s just in my head. If it goes on for a long time like a full day, I feel the need for a very quiet day after it. If I spend a weekend with extended family or a friend, I’ll need a couple of quiet days! I don’t feel the need to tell people about it unsolicited. I’m just responding to others here.

I expect this also depends on whether you have a very peoply job. I don't. Maybe if I did, I would be exhausted by it. DH does and he has zero social appetite.

@AnnieSnap

I certainly don’t hate people and I don’t find socialising at all difficult, but after a few hours in a social situation, I start to kind of ‘drift’, feel like I’m done, lose interest. No one would notice it, it’s just in my head.

I’m very much the same. I think most people are a bit like that even extroverts. It’s totally normal and healthy and I have no problem with this whatsoever.

What I am talking about is a separate phenomenon which has been erroneously conflated with this, which is people who are socially anxious or awkward in various ways rebranding themselves as “introverts”. And lashing out on threads like this about how much they dislike people.

But socially anxious/awkward people may also be introverted by nature. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

@thepastinsidethepresent

But socially anxious/awkward people may also be introverted by nature. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

Of course, just as extroverts may or may not be very sociable people.

This is the heart of the problem. Most people are using these words without knowing what they mean or are misusing them. It's become a fashionable debate and in particular being a self-described "introvert" has become fashionable. And a lot of people who are actually awkward or anxious (or just misanthropic) have latched onto this as a shield that protects them from their social shortcomings or the fact that they don't do very well making friends.

That doesn't mean there aren't socially awkward introverts, just as it doesn't mean there aren't extroverts who are loud, annoying social butterflies who drink too much and don't do depth. But this very binary characterisation is just inaccurate.

But being an "introvert" has suddenly become branded up and even now has its own merch, the dreadful "peopled out" mugs and all that shit.

In a way I have no problem with people being able to own and embrace this personality type because it's true that introverts have been overlooked and under-rated throughout history.

But what really worries me is that it's become a kind of umbrella term for a whole bunch of misanthropic, misery people who are struggling in various ways, want to shut the world out and are coopting themselves into something without fully understanding it. Instead of what they should be doing, which is to try to figure out why they are so paranoid about the world.

Being around people for too long drains me and I need to be alone to recharge. I like to be around people sometimes but I'm most comfortable in my own company.

Let people live their life, damn. Why are you concerned that Emma or Helen finds most people tiresome and prefers to be alone or with a few people? Honestly, who cares, as long as they're satisfied with life?