Am I being unreasonable - I don’t actually like people

[CaterhamReconstituted]

I’ve been feeling this way for a while, a kind of permanent low anxiety, and I think I’ve figured out what it is - I don’t think I actually like being around people.

I mean, I like some people more than others, I’m not socially inept, I get on with people and I have friends and family. I don’t live alone. I enjoy company sometimes. But I like being on my own a lot more than I like being with other people. I get irritated by little things that people do or say that are probably quite innocuous. I never say anything, but I get this rising feeling of disdain bubbling away inside me.

I crave being on my own it, and sometimes I will carve out time for it. It’s not always easy. I never feel lonely on my own. I’m even considering going on holiday on my own, even though Ive never done it before, and some people may find that a bit weird.

Im nearly 40 so I’ve pretty much become the person I am and I’ve come to terms with that. But I’m not sure if there is something “wrong” with me or not.

People as a collective are shit. An individual person can be the most wonderful creature on this earth, but people? Shit.

@MumbleCushion

MN is a funny collection of misanthropes. I think the pandemic almost made it ‘cool’ to say how much you hate people, prefer dogs etc

I agree. A lot of it honestly sounds a bit like protesting too much: defensive people determined to signal that they dislike others first before anyone else can get their own hate in. See also the "militant introvertism" which COVID massively exacerbated of people feeling they need to badge themselves (usually erroneously) as introverts because they didn't want to go out and banging endlessly on about their vegetable growing activities with their kids in lockdown.

It's a fine line: we do need to be good at protecting our social boundaries and conserving our sense of self and sometimes ordinary life can take out more than it puts back. But the "hate people" rhetoric is very patently self-serving and pretty misanthropic and honestly makes people sound very childish.

It's a balance isn't it, it's not healthy to never be able to be content alone, but it's also not healthy to want to always be alone.
OP - I guess whether there's anything 'wrong' with you depends on how much of your life is filled with people and interactions. If you work on your own, from home, and spend your spare time reading alone and going for long walks alone and you still dread having to spend time with anybody then that doesn't sound very healthy. But if you work in a busy environment, live in a busy house and do sociable hobbies then it's totally understandable to crave a bit of solitude.

Thanks. I have social interactions and do work with others, but still prefer being on my own and I want to be on my own not all the time, but most of it.

I think I understand what others are saying about this misanthropic phenomenon, exacerbated by lockdown, but I don’t think (hope!) this is what is going on with me. I think it’s just the way I’m wired but I wasn’t sure if it was really unusual - judging from the comments, it doesn’t seem to be, which is a little reassuring!

Isn’t this just being introverted? Not hating people but finding company draining and needing to be alone to recover. It’s fine. I always need 30 minutes reading before I go to sleep, I absolutely relish that time. There was a great thread on here about having an imaginary flat a few years ago and it was very popular, just imagining a flat you could escape to for a few days on your own, bliss. Extroverts are different and need company to relax, I felt sorry for them during lockdown it must have been horrible.

This, exactly. My tendencies are introverted, though I very much value my friendships, and enjoy social life -- I tend to have to compensate with a lot of solo time to balance myself. For various reasons, to do with work and DH being away a lot, meaning it's more difficult to get out in the evenings because we have a young child, I've been far less social than usual since Christmas, and it's just occurred to me recently that it's had a measurable affect on me. I feel far less inclined to initiate seeing people, and this is not a sense of 'Oh gosh, I've finally found the way I am, naturally', more that a kind of stasis/lassitude has set in and the less I see of people, the less I want to, and this is absolutely, for my own MH, a bad thing.

I think being a total misanthrope is probably good for, or comes naturally to, vanishingly few people,

As an introvert who likes being alone and who can have very misanthropic tendencies, particularly when thinking about how much bigotry there is among the general public... I think if this manifests in a blanket "I don't actually like people" proclamation, that makes you the problem. It's too far, too unempathetic, too ignorant. People are just trying to get by, just like you.

I don't hate people my job involves me seeing a lot of people and I love being at home with my husband. But what I do find I don't know if it's because I'm getting older is that everywhere just seems crowded and noisy. Noisy neighbors, Kids always shrieking, everywhere you go it's crowded shops anywhere really. Nowhere seems peaceful anymore

honestly makes people sound very childish.

Yes with some (not all) people, there is a ‘too kool for skool’ flavour to their pronouncements, which I have not seen in the genuine introverts I know. The latter are more reflective about their own characteristics and don’t spout: ‘I hate people’.

And for a minority who seem to have poor relationships with everyone they meet, some self-awareness could help.

Meh, I'm GenX and work in a public facing role. Most people are awful. I do my job for the money, not because of the self-centre, aggressive narcissistic people I have to help.

I'm an introvert. I prefer to to all my go-outside-ing on my work shift then stay at home, be on my own, and read a good book. Ah.

I see what you are saying. In my case, it’s completely depersonalised though. I don’t like being around “people”, not people as a collection of individuals if that makes sense. Of course I appreciate that people have their own rights and interests, hopes and dreams. And in interacting with people I am normal (I think). I don’t actually think most people are bigoted.

I do get annoyed at little things, the way people certain people grunt and gulp for example. I don’t know why. Happy to accept that I am the problem there.

The very reason i live in the middle of nowhere is because i really like meeting new people, for 2 minutes and then i think very nice to meet you now bugger off and give me peace. I can go to town our city to see people, i just don't need them within a mile of my house or my beach ( not mine but it is bloody rare that anyone sets foot on it)

I have a few close friends but other than that just like being on my own.

I live by myself and am single so that's pretty easily achieved

Yanbu, totally. I have two close friends, a great partner and family and a daughter who I adore spending time with.
Anymore than that would be exhausting! I had a friend once who had every weekend filled for 4 or 5 months with social occasions and thrived on knowing everyone around - that would bring me out in hives 😱

Sorry MoonWoman69 - I tagged on you by mistake!

You're probably an introvert. I am and I'm very much the same. I'd rather be with my dog and cat than most people.

I agree that it's part of the problem, I feel really strongly about this and I think we really need to push back against it. Yes it's usually said partially in jest, and almost always by people who are very insecure but casually saying you "hate people" is hugely problematic for all sorts of reasons:

• It's lacking any basic intellectual coherence: you are a person, by definition if you hate people you hate yourself (there's invariably then a following caveat about "BUT I love my DH and kids, hate everyone else"), well, really what is it about you, your DH and kids which makes you very different from the rest of the world? Nothing. You choose to perceive yourself as in some way different and special. You're not.
• Which brings me to the fact that this is a kind of arrogance. If you say you "hate people" you're effectively saying "I'm better than everyone. I'm more attractive, more intelligent, more refined, my habits are less annoying, I can see the truth etc". It's elevating yourself above the rest of the world for completely spurious and very subjective reasons
• It's potentially quite a dangerous way to look at the world, both for you and for other people. Choosing to see all others (except perhaps your DH and kids who live in your charmed circle) as hostile or inferior is choosing to see the world with a veil of hostility that just isn't there. It builds paranoia and suspicion, prevents you from forming healthy bonds and isolates you.
• Perhaps most important of all, because it limits your own ability to reach across difference and divides and to be able to see with others eyes and perspectives, limiting the ability of us as a society to help one another. We need more shared perspectives at the moment, not everyone atomising themselves

I know it's partially a throwaway line but I really think we need to stop and think about it before trotting out this toxic stuff about "hating people".

YANBU. The human population is very overrated.

Nothing weird OP. I’m the same, much prefer my cat to people, they give you everything they have to offer for nothing more than a comfy lap & food, & as for a holiday on your own I’ve had many, your day is your own, it’s bliss

I'm like this at the grand age of 32. I see a couple of friends on a regular basis but my circle is very small.
I like my little family. They have their friends but I deeply enjoy my solitude. I'm a private person. I don't like massive get togethers. I don't enjoy the drama some friendships have invited into my life. My teenage years were full of instability and chaos.

@Thepeopleversuswork

I don't believe the OP said she hated people, she actually said she disliked being around people?
That second bullet point is frankly ridiculous.

• Which brings me to the fact that this is a kind of arrogance. If you say you "hate people" you're effectively saying "I'm better than everyone. I'm more attractive, more intelligent, more refined, my habits are less annoying, I can see the truth etc". It's elevating yourself above the rest of the world for completely spurious and very subjective reasons

Just because people prefer not to be around others much, it makes them arrogant, think they're more attractive, more intelligent etc?! Absolutely ridiculous! Seems that you have more of a problem with other people enjoying their own company, than they do! I'm guessing you were trying to look clever with your "analysis". Sorry, but it doesn't work for me, because you're not. People can live how they want to, it doesn't mean that any of the things you've mentioned, apply at all! In fact, your whole post has an accusatory tone. And then we wonder why people don't much care for other people!
You're entitled to your own opinion, of course, however whacko and "intelligent" you might think it is!

Haha I didn’t see that from the peopleversuswork. No, I don’t think I am any of those things (although as an overweight 39 year old I’m definitely more attractive than everyone). I didn’t say “hate” either, but maybe I should have rephrased to say I dislike being around people, rather than people themselves. I do find myself irritated by some things though, I accept that’s probably my problem.

I actively avoid socialising. Much happier on my own. I have to force myself to see friends as I don't want to offend anyone.

@MoonWoman69

The OP didn't actually say she hated people but she said she "didn't like them" several other people on this thread have said they hate them. There's a poster on this page who says, and I quote, "people suck". I hear this all the time, its casually trotted out left, right and centre.

I stand by what I say. I can totally understand wanting to limit exposure to people and not to have to attend every social event going, but I do think saying you "hate people" or "don't like people" is a kind of arrogance.

Putting yourself in a category apart from everyone else, assuming everyone else is bad apart from you is more or less a textbook definition of arrogance.

I honestly don't know how anyone can think that.
I guess we all think differently but I just can't see it.