Am I being unreasonable - I don’t actually like people

[CaterhamReconstituted]

I’ve been feeling this way for a while, a kind of permanent low anxiety, and I think I’ve figured out what it is - I don’t think I actually like being around people.

I mean, I like some people more than others, I’m not socially inept, I get on with people and I have friends and family. I don’t live alone. I enjoy company sometimes. But I like being on my own a lot more than I like being with other people. I get irritated by little things that people do or say that are probably quite innocuous. I never say anything, but I get this rising feeling of disdain bubbling away inside me.

I crave being on my own it, and sometimes I will carve out time for it. It’s not always easy. I never feel lonely on my own. I’m even considering going on holiday on my own, even though Ive never done it before, and some people may find that a bit weird.

Im nearly 40 so I’ve pretty much become the person I am and I’ve come to terms with that. But I’m not sure if there is something “wrong” with me or not.

Yes! I love my children and my friends and many colleagues but much happier on my own. wouldn’t say I don’t like people though. Good luck to them all - I just don’t want to spend much time with them 😁

It's because we all live on top of one another and everywhere is so busy and crowded.
I work in a supermarket, l have to wear an ear pod under my hair to drown all the racquet out, and there is a distinct lack of personal space.
I am so thankful l don't have a partner to make small talk to once I've finished my shift. I just love the peace and quiet.

Newsflash.

You are all people. Annoying the hell out of others like you 😏

I met my closest friends well after my 30s. We're all different.

I am in my fifties and met my best friend at 40!

There's nothing wrong with you at all and in fact Mumsnet is heaving with people like you.

It's very normal to feel a desire for time alone and a lot of people need it to reset themselves. I think if you never feel like that it's probably more worrying.

I have to say, though that when it tips over into "hating" people or saying "people are awful" or separating yourself from everyone except your immediate family I do find this troubling: I don't think it's optimal to limit yourself to only seeing two or three people: everyone sometimes needs outside help and it's just also really important to have an external perspective on your life and get access to new ideas and views.

There's an epidemic of people who struggle with their day to day interaction with other people at the moment (you see it on here and elsewhere -- people going on about being "peopled out" etc), some of it is rebadged as being "introvert" which is inaccurate and some of it is actively celebrated as some sort of liberation from society and I find this deeply worrying.

There's a balance to be found. Everyone sometimes struggles with the expectation society places on them and needs to get away from it to decompress and be themselves. That's normal and healthy. But this growing tendency of seeing other people as an enemy to be avoided at all costs is not. I don't really understand why this has become such a phenomenon: it may be to do with the pressures of the corporate world or just the stresses of life. But I think in a world which is already really polarised we need to avoid convincing ourselves that other human beings are the enemy.

OP writes:
"I like some people more than others"
"I’m not socially inept"
"I get on with people"
"I have friends and family"
"I don’t live alone"
"I enjoy company sometimes"

All this seem pretty normal.

Having said that I go on several holidays alone every year. I like it that way.

MN is a funny collection of misanthropes. I think the pandemic almost made it ‘cool’ to say how much you hate people, prefer dogs etc.

In real life, most people I know like to meet up with friends and socialise but also like some quiet time alone. It doesn’t have to be one extreme or another.

I find some social contact is good for my mental health. When I look at ageing people (my parents and their friends are in their 80s), the ones that are doing best aren’t the ones with devoted kids. It’s the ones who still have friends and some kind of independent social life.

I bear that in mind if I am grumbling about an upcoming night out. I have to say, I have never regretted going out to meet friends, even if I wasn’t in the mood beforehand. I think some people now seem to be more flakey and pull out at the last minute. I never let people down like that.

Yep - I think you'll find loads of people like you! Covid was a blissful time for many!

Thepeopleversuswork - yes I agree with all that. It’s certainly not healthy to hate anyone. For me it’s simply that I prefer to be alone - and it’s not even personal, as it’s about not wanting to be with people generally rather than with particular people (although some people are obviously more dislikeable than others). I’m not sure I would quite want to check out of society completely, but I just find contentment in solitude. I like turning my phone off too, although that can cause problems sometimes.

I think it’s probably the nature of an internet forum to attract a disproportionate number of people who don’t socialise much IRL. There does seem to be a competition on MN to see who can be the biggest misanthrope though!

I love my own company. I love the company of my immediate family. I also love being with friends and even strangers, but not for too long- I need to balance it out with time on my own.

Social contact is unquestionably good for you- being isolated is associated with a whole host of issues including mental decline and earlier death. As someone who’s naturally a slight introvert I have to make an effort, just as I make an effort to go for a run or to the gym.

I’m gen x and can’t be doing with people. I work nights by myself with minimal interaction with others, it suits me perfectly! I’ve got adhd so that might play a part for why I prefer my own company.

YANBU. I like my (small) group of friends, but people en masse are annoying and idiotic. Time completely alone is so precious.

Good for you for pushing yourself. Yes isolation is not good in the long run. It doesn’t mean we have to party every night but some social contact as we age is vitally important. And it’s important to look for contact outside of your own kids too.

This was from a study at UCL in 2019. Worth a thought.

Definitely not unreasonable. I've felt like this for years. It's actually only in recent years though that I realised it's not just a case of me enjoying my own company but I actually NEED time on my own in order to function.

Definitely try going on holiday on your own, it's so freeing to just get up and decide what you would like to do that day, we all need some time where the only person we are accountable to is ourself, rather than trying to guess what other people want or need.

And it's really normal! I went on holiday with 2 friends last year, we all have husbands and young children. And we all wanted to do different things- 1 wanted to sit on balcony and read, 1 wanted to go to spa and I wanted to explore. So thats exactly what we did - we had breakfast and dinner/drinks together, and during the day we did our own thing. We spend all our time doing what our employers want, our children need, so we made an agreement that we would all get some alone time - very valuable. And some lovely time together.

Nothing wrong with you. I live on my own (well, with two dogs) and cannot imagine I will ever want to live with anyone again. Just the thought of someone being in my space, making a mess, taking up room, just BEING there potentially all the time makes me anxious. I just like spending time alone and knowing I have a quiet space to retreat to when I am done people-ing. I like people-ing, just needs to be balanced with alone time for recharging and unwinding.

I’ve been trapped in too many needy “friendships” with emotional vampires. Won’t be doing any of that again so I’m not interested in other people

I feel you. I love being alone. I do have friends and people I enjoy spending time with. But generally find people hard work and unpleasant to be around

We are all people. Do you think you are shit or is it just 'other' people?

I'm at least as shit as other people, yes. Humans are the worst.

Probably need to work on your self esteem a bit. People, in my opinion, are inherently good. Most people are just trying to do their best and very few set out to be unkind.

Nah, I've worked with the general public since I was 15 and, generally speaking, people suck. Nothing wrong with you at all.