Am I being unreasonable - I don’t actually like people

[CaterhamReconstituted]

I’ve been feeling this way for a while, a kind of permanent low anxiety, and I think I’ve figured out what it is - I don’t think I actually like being around people.

I mean, I like some people more than others, I’m not socially inept, I get on with people and I have friends and family. I don’t live alone. I enjoy company sometimes. But I like being on my own a lot more than I like being with other people. I get irritated by little things that people do or say that are probably quite innocuous. I never say anything, but I get this rising feeling of disdain bubbling away inside me.

I crave being on my own it, and sometimes I will carve out time for it. It’s not always easy. I never feel lonely on my own. I’m even considering going on holiday on my own, even though Ive never done it before, and some people may find that a bit weird.

Im nearly 40 so I’ve pretty much become the person I am and I’ve come to terms with that. But I’m not sure if there is something “wrong” with me or not.

But I haven’t said that extroverts can’t build meaningful connections, both can be simultaneously true, but introverts are more easily overwhelmed by constant stimulation of several people and crowds, so we tend to only socialise selectively. I think I’m going to give up explaining now. Each to their own.

@YoureALizardHarry11

what I meant was extroverts tend to be social butterflies (nothing wrong with that) and can happily have superficial chats etc more

But being able to have "superficial chats" doesn't preclude you from being able to have more profound chats.

Superficial chat is part of the glue of society. You don't usually march up to a person at the counter of a shop where you're buying a pint of milk and say: "Tell me where you stand on Israel vs Palestine". Social convention dictates that most people have to reach a certain threshold of intimacy before they get onto profound or challenging conversation.

This doesn't mean people are incapable of doing it, it just means their social radar for what is and isn't appropriate are perhaps better. If anything, someone who is able to read a room and talk in a more general way is likely to be more aware and empathetic than someone who expects all conversation to be "deep". So I completely reject this false dichotomy between "extroverts" = shallow and trivial and "introverts": deep and intellectual. It's bullshit.

I wouldn't go so far as to comment on anyone's parenting. I do look at my mum though who was widowed early, but luckily had had the good sense to build a network of friends and extended family around her through clubs, hobbies, and inviting neighbours over for dinner. Now that she elderly and lives away from me, I think she was wise.

@YoureALizardHarry11

You literally said (of "introverts"):

we prefer meaningful relationships rather than superficial connections

With the clear implication that "extroverts" (I dislike the use of the introvert/extrovert dichotomy and I prefer the term "socially comfortable people") don't do meaningful relationships.

You're not alone so I'm not particularly singling you out but I have seen this logic on here so much. People who are good at social life are shallow, thick and like life to be conducted on the surface. It's bullshit and I'll call it out every time I see it.

Waves 👋

I enjoy company and love meeting new people. I value it more the older I get too. There's a few of us out there lol

Ok then, I’m sorry if I offended you, I think we had our wires crossed somewhere. I meant that we are more easily overwhelmed and drained by it, so we need to direct our energy. It’s nothing to do with social anxiety or being uncomfortable with people, there’s a 50% heritablity, it can’t really be helped. Being socially uncomfortable is to do with shyness, introverted people are not shy.

@YoureALizardHarry11

It’s nothing to do with social anxiety or being uncomfortable with people, there’s a 50% heritablity, it can’t really be helped. Being socially uncomfortable is to do with shyness, introverted people are not shy.

I completely understand this, which is why I'm tired of people passing off antisocial, aggressive and hostile behaviour under the banner of "introversion".

I'm not having a go at you personally, but I see this narrative literally every day on Mumsnet: people banging on and on about "hating people" and then adding as this sly little caveat "I'm an introvert". As if that made it all alright.

If you hate people you're not an introvert, you're a narrow minded arsehole. And on behalf of introverts I'm calling it out as the bullshit that it is.

@Willyoujustbequiet and @Lentilweaver thank you. So refreshing to hear from people who actually have a bit of generosity to the world for a change.

Oh good @Willyoujustbequiet .My DC are in uni and I have an almost empty nest.I don't want to embarrass them by trying to hang out with them all the time. They have their own lives. I spent years being an SAHM and doing playmates and football practice. I am making up for that time.

I find most people fascinating once you get past the initial small talk. Just last week I went to a professional event, and I found this unassuming quiet man had written several books on Egyptology. That's another one of my interests, so I definitely want to see him again. Similarly, so many seemingly dull people have hidden depths.

But in all of my posts I haven’t once said I hate people, I said I dislike people on a societal level, I think some individuals can be some of the best people on the planet and I have some great friends who I am very grateful to have met, but I don’t go seeking out friends or seeking to be accepted etc. I also didn’t say extroverts can’t have meaningful connections, that would be a completely ridiculous assertion. Both types of people can have them, but ‘’introverts’’ don’t really do superficial relationships as much, because we get drained by people. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with what others do.

I'm an extrovert and I also prefer meaningful connections with people. Big stereotypes going on here.

Extroversion is simply gaining energy from being around people, introversion is gaining energy from alone time. Nothing more. Either side can have a variety of different personality traits.

@YoureALizardHarry11

But saying you "dislike people on a societal level" is pretty hostile, no?

Also this thread is full of it. You're not the worst offender by a long chalk but there are dozens of people on here saying "people suck" and "people are over-rated" and this kind of toxic rubbish. It's everywhere: I read multiple threads on here a day about this and every time someone is called on it they will say they're in "introvert" as if this were the ultimate get out of jail free card.

And people should count themselves lucky to have people around them. You'll get to a certain point in life where you have no one and the people you do love start dropping off from illness. It seems so grotesquely spoiled and ill mannered to say "people suck" so casually, just because you've had a bad day at work.

My fundamental point is that if you dismiss large swathes of the human race as being deficient you are part of the problem. You're not going to get on with everyone of course and some people are always going to be arseholes but if you approach the world from the starting point that most people are shit you will get back what you put out.

And as a corollary to that you did also, however much you try to row back from it, trot out the most awful cliche that people who are good at socialising don't do meaningful relationships.

It's really horrible to go through the world and feel that if you have a conversation with more than one person at a social event or if you have more than about three friends you will be accused of being superficial.

I’ve said several times I didn’t mean that extroverts can’t have meaningful relationships.

I am not sure why "seeking out friends" is so weird or funny. Some of us have moved away from our hometowns or family, so we have to seek out new friends. The alternative is just sulking at home, or posting on MN all day about having no friends ( lots of posts like that everyday)

I also find it really hard to believe that "all people suck" except your own special DH and DC. Really? Seems unlikely.

It's very teenager-ish, this whole vibe.

I don’t just talk to one person, but I’d much rather be sat round having a few drinks with say 2 close friends than be at a party. Just how I am. I’ve had too much experience of the negative side of people. Maybe it’s because of my life experiences I suppose. Everyone trying to be better.

I feel like that about other peoples’ children.

Totally agree. It makes me think its people who have been hanging out with the same group of people since they were kids and are still stuck in some vendetta from their teenage years which they can't get past.

Making friends does not have to involve going to parties and getting drunk. There are many other ways. Not being a party animal does not make you an introvert.

People seem to be extracting things out of my posts that I didn’t say? I used a party as an example of a well known social event

@YoureALizardHarry11

I don’t just talk to one person, but I’d much rather be sat round having a few drinks with say 2 close friends than be at a party. Just how I am. I’ve had too much experience of the negative side of people. Maybe it’s because of my life experiences I suppose. Everyone trying to be better.

But most people are like that. That's just normal social behaviour. There's nothing special or unique about this. Everyone's come across arseholes in their lives. You just sideline them and move on. There's no need to build this paranoid world view around it.

Also this "everyone trying to be better"... well people do typically try to better themselves, yes. What's wrong with that?

Not particularly you @YoureALizardHarry11 but other posters have said they don't enjoy parties any more. I think most people dont enjoy loud music and drinking as they get older,, or at least, I don't anymore. But then I read people saying they loved the lockdown because they could tell everyone to get lost, and I think "You may have taken it too far, mate."

There’s nothing wrong with being better. But the amount of times I have been at parties etc and people have made remarks about how ugly someone else is or how ridiculous the dress someone’s wearing is, or how such and such thinks she’s special, or how they’re better than such and such because they have xyz and the other person doesn’t 🤣 it’s draining. That’s my entire point about not liking being around a lot of people, because they try and hoist themselves up at the expense of others. It’s everywhere.

Many are just like you but don't feel the need to tell the world.

Ok, but this is a discussion forum…

@YoureALizardHarry11 you need better friends. It's not people. It's your friends! None of my social circle do this. We always big each other up. We absolutely never comment on each other's looks!

I admit there are people like this out there, and everywhere everyone is having a hard time, so there is more envy. But I just don't think most people are like this.