Am I being unreasonable - I don’t actually like people

[CaterhamReconstituted]

I’ve been feeling this way for a while, a kind of permanent low anxiety, and I think I’ve figured out what it is - I don’t think I actually like being around people.

I mean, I like some people more than others, I’m not socially inept, I get on with people and I have friends and family. I don’t live alone. I enjoy company sometimes. But I like being on my own a lot more than I like being with other people. I get irritated by little things that people do or say that are probably quite innocuous. I never say anything, but I get this rising feeling of disdain bubbling away inside me.

I crave being on my own it, and sometimes I will carve out time for it. It’s not always easy. I never feel lonely on my own. I’m even considering going on holiday on my own, even though Ive never done it before, and some people may find that a bit weird.

Im nearly 40 so I’ve pretty much become the person I am and I’ve come to terms with that. But I’m not sure if there is something “wrong” with me or not.

Sickened?! So what was said?

Totally normal. Some people prefer to live quietly and alone and other people get their energy from being around people a lot (like me). Nothing wrong with you

I am always surprised when people post that they are in public facing roles and that’s how they know must people are awful. I have done loads of very frontline public facing jobs and I would say the opposite actually.
Yes, there are some irretrievable arseholes, but generally I found people try to be polite and understanding. I am good at customer service though, I will say that, and have noticed a particular brand of instant defensiveness in some public facing people that maybe gets peoples backs up, so the tone is immediately negative..
Anyway, we may all feel sometimes that we can’t be bothered with other people but it is good for us to make the effort. It’s also easy to say you need no one when you need no one iyswim.
When you are in trouble it’s good to know there are people who care and have your back- we all need that I think, but having that takes some building. It’s easier to not put yourself out for anyone and please yourself at all times but life isn’t always best lived on easy mode.

This is me! I love my own company and crave it often. I'm not bothered about making new friends, I have a few friends who I adore and there is no pressure to see them all the time. I think some people are just naturally like this and there is nothing wrong with it :)

Completely agree, and I've been nodding my head vigorously to every one of your posts, @Thepeopleversuswork!

I can't bear this patronizing, "Oh, are you one of those needy individuals who likes being around other people? Not me. I'm beyond that." vibe.

@TheBerry

It’s a weird smug kind of flex, because they’re obviously not including themselves in their blanket assessment of mankind. So they’re basically saying they’re better than most people

Exactly. I’m really tired of the way it’s indulged and enabled on here all the time and passed off under the banner of “introversion”. It’s got sod all to do with true introverson, it’s just very transparent misanthropy.

It’s also so tiresome that people seem to think it makes them sound interesting and quirky. It doesn’t, it’s a cliche and just sounds needy.

@candyisdandybutliquorisquicker

I can't bear this patronizing, "Oh, are you one of those needy individuals who likes being around other people? Not me. I'm beyond that." vibe.

Yes! All this “Extroverts are all so needy and dependent, while we introverts are interesting, free thinking types.”

I have no problem at all with genuinely introverted people who are comfortable in their own company: I have some of these tendencies myself. But the endless need to bang on about how much you hate people and prefer dogs or love your children but everyone else is a dick etc can get in the bin. See people or don’t see them but stop endlessly going on about it. It’s not big or clever, it just makes you sound like a whinger.

It was on the Kate Middleton thread. Apparently saying that I’m pleased it wasn’t an affair means I’m pleased she has cancer, which is obviously not the case and not something any reasonable person would think. The person who is “sickened” by me is just a dishonest virtue-signaller.

Yes, I find school stuff extremely hard. It’s not that I don’t like people (except for those odd school parents who have a weird clique mean girl thing going on, they can go fuck themselves). I think most people are perfectly nice. But I’d rather I didn’t have to talk to them, I find it stressful.

Yes! All this “Extroverts are all so needy and dependent, while we introverts are interesting, free thinking types.”

I'm not sure I've ever heard an introvert boast that they're more interesting than an extrovert. I will say, though, that some extroverts seem not to be able to function without people around them all the time.

This is a whole other thread in itself: the "mean girls at the school gates" trope. I see this all the time on here and it never ceases to amaze me how many people think anyone has time or energy to foster a "clique" at the school gates.

I can't comment on your specific situation but usually when you unpack what's happened on these "school gate mums" threads it boils down to someone having made friends with someone who isn't the OP.

And then people come on Mumsnet and then another ten people will validate this paranoia, saying "Oh yes OP the school gate mums are the worst" "they're all bitches" etc etc.

Most of the time this comes down to someone having been busy/bored/feeling ill, feeling shit/fighting with their spouse/worried about their kids. Or just having made a friendship group which the OP or whatever reason isn't part of. It's immediately ascribed to some massive conspiracy directed at the OP. But usually it's not.

I just worry that so many people seem to see the world through this increasingly paranoid lens where everyone is shit, untrustworthy, out to get them and when they test the thesis on MN the echo chamber validates what they are saying.

There are genuine arseholes in all walks of life. But most people are not arseholes and their occasional lapses in diplomacy are not personal. And none of this is a reason to "hate people".

You've just done literally exactly what I'm talking about. You've presumed that anyone who is more socially adept or less anxious than you is automatically needy. This is absolute textbook.

It's a grotesque oversimplification. Some people are extroverted because they are needy and bad at spending time alone. Others are just good with people and draw people to them like a magnet. Some very introverted people are very good with people. There are as many motivations for being sociable as there are people.

But on these threads it's often presumed as a starting point that extroverted people are desperately trying to fill some self esteem hole. There's no subtlety at all and no recognition that there are lots of different types of extroverts.

And you don't usually see extroverts pop up on threads to inform people that... shock horror, they "love people". As if it was some shocking revelation.

Wrong. Anybody who wants to can see for themselves the sort of posts that you wrote on that thread. The 'take a punt' was particularly illuminating. That's it. Call me what you like, it doesn't make it true and I really don't care what your opinion of me is.

No I haven't. I've made an observation about something I've heard some extroverts say. I attached precisely zero assumptions to that observation.

No not at all, I don’t expect people to be my friends at all, I’m not looking for friends. I’m talking about being blanked repeatedly while saying good morning. It’s very strange and pretty rude tbh. There are only a few but it’s enough to make drop off’s pretty uncomfortable because you then studiously ignore them as you got the message. It’s just a very unpleasant way to behave, happily I’ve met some lovely parents too.

You're certainly not alone, I'm 60 and always a more the merrier type person, loads going on in the diary. COVID lockdown changed me as I realised just how much I liked my own company. I still plan things and meet up with friends but I'm secretly always pleased if they cancel.

If you read my post, I said that I think most people are probably quite nice. I’m not living my life through a paranoid lens, I just find the mental load of too much interaction stressful and I hit a wall at some point and feel the need to leave quite desperately. I didn’t say anything mean about extroverts at all, most of the time I find myself thinking maybe life would be easier if I were an extrovert 🤷🏽‍♀️

This. There's loads of these "I hate people" threads here. I do find it a weird thing to be seemingly proud of to be honest.

I’m the same! Have cut down on my circle of friends, lots who never really made an effort it was always me and just see the people who really matter. I think age has a lot to do with it, as I get older I have less tolerance and also after having my son my free time is even more precious and I don’t want to use it on people who don’t really care about/ interested in me and putting effort into our friendship

Op I've been thinking about this a lot recently. My husband and I run a window cleaning business I stay at home in the office and am mostly alone when hubby is out, so no work friends as such. Lots of phone calls to clients and suppliers so there is social interaction throughout the day there but with the busyness of running the business, house and the family mental load, when the weekend rolls around I couldn't think of anything worse than having to socialise with a group of people. I do have a couple of girl friends i see once a month or so each and one old friend who I see a couple of times a year but have been disappointed with a handful of other friendships over recent years and haven't tried to make any new ones recently.

I suppose I'm at that point in life where I wonder if I can be arsed tbh when most friendships made in the 40s seem to have a limited shelf life it seems anyway. I used to have high hopes of people and almost look up to them, I think I would really appreciate their strengths but thankfully I don't have that/ do that anymore as it led to a lot of disappointment. I don't know maybe I'm between tribes. Just grateful for our own little family and spending lots of time with the kids and am glad the business is doing okay and putting socialising on the back-burner for now. If someone interesting turns up I will make an effort but definitely won't be friends with people for the sake of it now.

By the sake of it, I mean if it isn't a proper two way friendship!!

I'm on the cusp of boomer/ gen x . I'm not keen on people either , I love my own company and am never bored .
I just find people irritate me more and more, I could quite happily live on my own with my crafting and gardening .

Similar age to you op. I totally get this, I crave time on my own!!

I’m the same, OP. When you realise that in fact, life is one big competition and people spend their time gossiping, judging others and engaging in one upmanship 24/7 so they can tell themselves that they are better than others, then you realise that very few people have much to offer and are motivated by self interest. I like a few people and like company but I’m very discerning. I don’t have time for most people and their attention seeking drama and slagging others off etc.

Dude the irony omg