To not go to the hen do?

[tiredandtesting123]

One of my friends hen do's is soon. Since it was planned my financial circumstances have changed in that I've had a baby and given up work.
It's getting more and more expensive with what she's added to it, and the girl I'm going with is wants more petrol money than is necessary.. so I said I'd make my own way (as DH/my dad won't charge me petrol money) I was told in the group chat no I'll be going in the car with them that way I can't be late etc, and even if I get picked up on the way back she still wants the same amount of petrol money. I've been told by the hen in the group WhatsApp "you've known about this for 9 months so you could've saved, please moan to the others and not me" followed by lots of "amen" and emojis from the others. My response was so you're asking me to bitch behind your back then. I can't save money I don't have.

Part of me feels like saying I won't be attending either the hen do or wedding, leaving the group chat and saying don't talk to me talk about me to each other!

AIBU?

I think @DodoTired is another of the hens with that comment! Just as rude anyway! 🙄

@MoonWoman69 yup agreed

If someone has allergies it's on them to highlight it, not on someone else to run through a long list of potential allergies with each and every guest.
And unless OP specifically agreed to bring along a home-made dessert that would meet everyone's highly-exacting standards then she's done nothing wrong there either. She agreed to bring a dessert. She brought a dessert. End of.
She can bring a frozen chocolate cheesecake to my house any day. Or a strawberry one. Or a frozen crumble. Or a frozen pie. And if I develop any allergies I'll let her know in advance, what with being an adult and all.

Yeah, stuff that.

Message the bride privately and back out. Whether that includes the actual wedding is something to decide perhaps at a later date. But I'd definitely sack off this hen do. It sounds like a nightmare.
Friends don't speak to friends like that.

If you’re worried about the fall out from this just make an excuse that might mean you can’t stay - baby’s jabs?
Then say you don’t know how baby will be so you’ll pop over when you can but won’t stay the night. This will cover you either way and then you can say baby is really poorly and you won’t make it on the actual day! Then you don’t owe any money and you aren’t bound to anyone which seems to be what they’re doing.

I agree as well. It is on the allergy sufferer to mention it IMO.

it wouldn't bother me if a dessert wasn't home made.

What nasty bullying "friends" you have. You are being gaslit by the lot of them into thinking otherwise and that you are being the unreasonable one.

Don't apologise that you can't go. Just state the facts. The costs are out of control, you have a new baby, are not working and can't afford it so need to drop out and wish them a good time. Then leave the group.

They will talk about you once you have left and it won't be pleasant. It is perhaps time to rethink your social group.

Hmmm... I just went back and read some more... Honestly? It sounds like this friendship was reaching a natural end anyway OP.
I doesn't seem like you're terribly well-suited to this particular friendship group. You admit that you're often late to things, which is a personal pet peeve of mine, and I know many other people. With all the excuses in the world from the late person, to the people left waiting, it shows a lack of respect and consideration. We don't care what your reason is. Late a couple of times, okay. Repeatedly and usually, fuck that. Get your shit together.

My best friend used to be very similar. She's got better over the years, as I've expressed how it made me feel. And ever since she was over 3 hours late to collect her dog I was reluctantly dog-sitting. We'd agreed a lunch time to lunch time dog-sitting. But she dropped him off at 9am, and didn't pick him up until getting on for 4pm the next day. She's hinted at me having him a few times since then, but I've simply smiled blandly and refused to take the hint. Hell will freeze over before I'll watch her dog again.

As for the frozen dessert... Personally I wouldn't be bothered by a frozen dessert amongst my friendship group... But it's a bit... I dunno. Thoughtless. Admitting, "I was shopping anyway, and just happened to see it" shows a lack of planning and consideration. I hope you didn't say that to your friends.

I missed some great weddings/ hen dos when I had a baby. Just didn't want to be away from baby. Not saying everybody should do that, but when you have a young child you do what you want to do - other people can look after themselves. Friends will understand.

Any decent person proactively asks about allergies, sorry. “Does anyone have any allergies” does not require going through a list

and yeah, frozen cheesecake (from a supermarket aisle im sure) to a dinner party is lazy. It’s fine just for a visit but not a dinner party. Maybe her friends have different standards- for example, I have a friend who does amazing dinner parties, so lovely that one would be embarrassed to bring cheap wine or prosecco as hostess gift (not that she’d say anything, but the level of food and her effort naturally means that I only bring proper champagne).

Yeah right 🤣

They sound like an awful group of selfish bullies.

It's clear the hen do would've turned out to be a nightmare anyway.

They aren't your friends. They don't care about your financial hardships or your child apparently. If they haven't responded about the christening, I wouldn't hold your breath for anything else regarding your child, like a happy birthday message even.

Don't go.
Don't pay.
Back away.

You will find other friends you really connect with and have genuine friendships.

I have a food allergies, I’m an adult and will let hosts, or other people know. I have friends with adhd (diagnosed and ones I suspect with it and undiagnosed), being late for them isn’t a personal slight or failing and I love them for other reasons. I also have friends who can’t cook and aren’t interested in nice food/booze. If I knew that I’d say to bring something specific if it needed to be fancy.

I would never expect someone to shell out for my birthday, wedding, hen, child’s christening, it seems to be a uniquely lower middle class English thing to do these expensive trips abroad for a hen (I’m not from this country). Especially if it went over budget from the initial figure given.

At my child’s christening one godparent was absent and we had a proxy, because they didn’t feel up to travelling with their young baby to attend, fair enough, until you have children you don’t know how you will feel, plans change that’s life! Rigidly expecting people to stick to plans is nuts.

The petrol thing alone would have me running for the hills. That journey will cost her £20 max and yet she’s taking in £75 from her passengers.

I think you will feel massive relief from bowing out.

@tiredandtesting123 my first instinct is leave the group chat and don't pay anything else nor talk to her about it.... She asked you not to. However, you need to work out if you think you've in all honesty misunderstood or been unreasonable about any of it and also is the friendship (besides this scenario) usually a good one. I fell out with my friend around weddings years ago and whilst I still feel she was out of order, I now think I should've handled it way better and I do regret the way it went but we can't take it back now.

So firstly get your facts straight, how much petrol has she asked between how many for how many miles? What fuel is her car needing as diesel is more expensive. Check via Google maps for miles and then divide by people in the car. I imagine if you originally planned to join their car group and have since backed out it'll increase for everyone but how far exactly is it? If your DH is dropping you, surely it's not far enough to cost that much.

It seems harsh putting you with someone you don't know especially when there are. 3 together who do know each other, however I'd usually get the short straw in my group as I'm the most agreeable ang friendly with strangers I guess, this could be a compliment from the bride in many ways-she trusts you with her cousin.

The extras, do you have to do them? Can you not just do the bits originally agreed and please yourself if they're doing an activity? Meet them after.

I agree that it's unfair to expect you to find more money than originally planned but what are we talking a cocktail making class that adds £40 or £10 towards decorations?

It's hard to help without more info x

I think it’s a little late to be making up the most obvious lie in history! The op is best being honest. You’re all rude and I can’t imagine spending any amount of time with any of you! I think @DodoTired may fit in well with them though.

Must admit I'm going against the grain a bit, moaning about adding a meal seems weird, of course you need to eat. The petrol is a bit high but does that include £30 for hotel parking, how far is it?

The races, fair enough that's an add on but you should have realised there would be some other activity (perhaps the petrol includes parking there too?)

I personally wouldn't agree to go away with people I barely know and certainly wouldn't the way they are talking to you but I do think the bride has a point that you had 9 months notice. Let us know what you decided, a bit invested now!

For the future, ask more questions at the start and state things like travel up front, also state a budget for dinner etc. it's tough being a mum, budgeting is so much harder.

I hope you follow through and back out.
No way would I put up with that.
I'd be gone.

Its not about dessert being home made or not. She brought a frozen cake. Its that frozen supermarket cakes are not good enough for a dinner party. They are cheap (£3 to £5) - for a reason. Would you really bring £5 bottle of wine to a non-student dinner party??
If one wants to bring a ready made cake (nothing wrong with that!), there are patisseries where to buy a nicer one.

Friends are definitely assholes as I said and are not really friends. But there is a certain vibe from OP, of someone who starts backing out of group costs at a last minute or tries to be cheap, not for the first time. Two are not mutually exclusive.

@DodoTired I've never eaten a patisserie cake in my life, couldn't tell you where the nearest one was. At the time I worked 8-6 Monday to Friday so the only thing open local in the times I wasn't at work were supermarkets. My mum had friends round for dinner all the time and she just puts on a selection of supermarket bought deserts. Maybe I'm too common for them? I just want friends who it doesn't cost a bomb to have to spend time with or constantly make me feel like I'm not good/rich enough. As said above very rarely do they say we'll pop round for a cuppa or just a walk out, it's always hen do's, nights out, races trips and all the do is bitch about one another.
I'm done with them. My best friend isn't within this group at all, and she's currently been reading the screen shots and saying she never liked them anyway, especially driver.

I think you’ve done the right thing. Any response from any of them to you deciding not to go?

@toomanyy it gets worse. I said I wasn't going and left the chat. Driver said she still wanted the petrol money regardless and sent me her PayPal via WhatsApp. When I didn't respond she posted on Facebook "so funny when you know people will have seen your message but choose to ignore it"

Agree to transfer then send 25p. 🤣

Respond with 'you wish'

This would be perfect!