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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DD wants a second gap year

376 replies

Longstorylittle · 22/03/2024 00:07

DD is nearly 19, her dad and I split when she was little and he was much more comfortable, he was mortgage free, made a lot more than I did. He was able to max out DDs childhood trust fund/JISA allowance each year. His parents also saved for her (she is the only child and grandchild on that side, I have other children). Basically on turning 18 she had nearly half a million available to her. She lives with her dad from 10-18 and our relationship is a little fraught.

She decided to take a gap year, in August she left on a one way flight to Bangkok and hasn't been home since. She's met an Irish boy who I don't know if he's her boyfriend or what but they seem to be travelling together now. I'm happy she's out exploring. I don't know how her dad's managing the money with her or if she just has full access, but she's doing cheap hostels etc. so I imagine he's regulating access. She's a good kid, had a part time job at sixth form etc, and always seemed so driven. She has deferred entry offer for Law at a really good uni.

Tonight we planned a call, I asked if she had any idea when she would be home. She said she probably won't be back this year, that her dad is coming out to meet her soon. I asked about uni and she said she doesn't want to study law anymore, maybe wants to do languages or Physiotherapy? Is undecided, wants time to decide.
I asked her plan, apparently her and this Irish guy are going to head to Australia around July, do a working holiday for 5-7 months, then head off to South America for 6 months!

I'm worried about her, this is nothing like she used to be and I don't think another gap year is in her best interests?? She will be 2 years older than most her uni cohort by the time she starts? She wanted to study law forever and now it's caution to the wind.

AIBU to be unhappy with this and to speak to her dad to see if he can make her think rationally? Otherwise I fear she will waste all this money just travelling and regret it when older

OP posts:
pinksquash13 · 22/03/2024 00:10

It's her money and life so I don't think you should try and persuade her not to travel. I personally think it sounds amazing and I'd have loved to do that. The fact that she's so financially sound means that she'll easily be able to get on the housing ladder. No need to rush into a career. She will not be out of place at university if/ when she goes.

JellyBeanFactory · 22/03/2024 00:13

Oh what an opportunity for her! She's only 18 and seeing the world - she will learn so much about herself and learn so many skills that will see her in good stead in the future. Let her explore. When (and if) she's ready, she'll return to study.

HeddaGarbled · 22/03/2024 00:14

I don’t think you have the slightest chance of influencing her in any way.

AngelQuartz · 22/03/2024 00:14

AIBU to be unhappy with this and to speak to her dad to see if he can make her think rationally?

Yes, YABU. She is an adult. There is no age limit to study. She will gain so much confidence and life experience from travelling.

I was 2 years older than most of people on my undergrad cohort, due to illness and having to re-sit my A levels. No one battered an eye lid, especially not me. Let her live.

SuperstarDeejay · 22/03/2024 00:15

Gosh I would have killed for her opportunities in life, or to be able to offer them to my own kids of similar age to her.

TayIorShift · 22/03/2024 00:18

YABU

saltinesandcoffeecups · 22/03/2024 00:20

Are you paying for her travels? -if not you don’t get a vote.

Are you paying for her Degree? - Yes -then you get a vote No-you don’t get a vote

Do you get to worry about the choices your adult daughter is making - Yes that’s always allowed.

PoppingTomorrow · 22/03/2024 00:23

She will be 2 years older than most her uni cohort by the time she starts.

This doesn't really matter.

I wouldn't worry too much about trying to challenge/influence the conclusions she has come to and instead be curious with her about the thinking that is leading her there.

So "oh, so you're thinking not law, that's interesting because you always wanted to do it - what do you think is making it seem less attractive or Xand Y seem more attractive?" Keep an open mind and don't panic.

(I was the girl who went travelling and decided against law, though I didn't have half a million in the bank!)

KenAdams · 22/03/2024 00:23

She's probably changed her mind on her degree because she's seen a bit more of the world now. Let her travel. It's an amazing opportunity.

Azandme · 22/03/2024 00:27

YABU.

Noone regrets travelling (unless they are one of the few who fall victim to a crime, the majority don't.)

Noone lies in their deathbed wishing they'd seen less of the world.

People start university at all ages. It's not 18/19 or nothing. My course had people of all ages (I was just 18) and everyone found their tribe.

She may not be doing what YOU think she should do, but what makes your way "right" and hers "wrong"?

Lots of people go to uni later - and are better students for it. Lots never go and have hugely fulfilling, successful lives.

She's living her life, and she's HAPPY. She's planning a working holiday, so she'll be earning not just spending her savings.

Be glad she's got this opportunity. Be glad she's got a safety net, be glad she's happy.

There's more than enough responsibility waiting for her in the future. It's not necessary to bog her down with it so young.

Kelly51 · 22/03/2024 00:33

Not everyone starts uni at 18.
You've not been overly involved since she was 10 so I'm afraid you don't get a say.

DodgeDoggie · 22/03/2024 00:44

An excellent idea to take a second gap year if she’s unsure about what to study, this gives her time to explore her interests fully and follow her heart. Its pointless doing a law degree if she’s grown out of the idea. Children change a lot and having a few years life experience will be a bonus rather then a hinderence

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 22/03/2024 00:51

Good for her, she's only young once.

You sound jealous of the financial provisions that Dad and his parents have been able to make for her.

However as she hasn't lived with you since she was 10, none of this concerns you.

Plenty of mature students at Uni.

Thepossibility · 22/03/2024 00:59

It sounds like she is living the absolute dream. You should be delighted for her. She has the rest of her life for the drudgery of study then work.

3luckystars · 22/03/2024 01:02

She might not even go to university.

CassandraWebb · 22/03/2024 01:04

Far better to have an adventure first than go to university before she really knows what she wants to study or why

DanielGault · 22/03/2024 01:29

If she can pay for it herself, let her off. She sounds fairly copped on tbh. Life experience is invaluable, university will always be there

IloveAslan · 22/03/2024 02:27

Good for her!!! If she is enjoying her life then let her carry on. I'm fully behind young people who don't rush into uni studies - they need to get a bit of life experience behind them first in my opinion.

MariaVT65 · 22/03/2024 02:51

Sorry YABVU

I think what she is doing is excellent. Especially as part of it will be a working holiday.

Do you not see that it’s bad to try and push her to make a decision to study a subject at uni she is not sure about? I will absolutely only be encouraging my kids to go to uni once they are really sure what they want to do and how they can use it for their career.

I took a gap year to work, and I did a 4 yeae course, so i was also ‘2 years older’ when i graduated. It didn’t matter in the slightest. I learnt more from my year in work than i ever did at actual uni, doing a subject I now don’t use at all. Interestingly my uni halls also put me in flat of girls who had also all had gap years so we were the same age.

I’m now mid-30s with a boring job and a young family, wishing i could travel more. Let your DD live a bit.

Autienotnaughtie · 22/03/2024 03:33

It must be tough feeling like you are not part of the decision making. (And possibly haven't been for awhile) But she's an adult now it's her choice and she's having some amazing experiences. She can choose a career later. She has plenty of time to figure it out

Einszwei · 22/03/2024 03:44

What's the rush? She is happy, seeing the world and learning more about herself before settling into university / work.

If it makes you feel any better a few girls from my high school did the same. Some went into university and some found something they were passionate about that led them down an alternative path. All have become very successful individuals.

RawBloomers · 22/03/2024 03:52

It’s way better for her to get cold feet about Law now than in 3 years time. Let her explore. She will have only just started decompressing from the A levels she did. If she’s realised she doesn’t want to do law it will probably take her a while to decide what she is passionate about.

When I went to uni at 18 it was 20 - 25 year olds who really excelled on their undergrads and threw themselves into uni life. The people my age were a touch too immature and the ones 30+ often had too many other responsibilities.

No one can guarantee she won’t make poor decisions, but you couldn’t guarantee that if she went to uni this year either. At the very least she’s going to have the memories of a life time.

Calamitousness · 22/03/2024 04:07

yabu. If I were you I’d try and have a better relationship with my daughter, not try and impose my choices on her. You see the money she has access to differently to her. She’s using it to enjoy her life and have experiences. You want her to use it for setting herself up in a lifetime of commitment. Commitment to study. Go to a job. Pay a mortgage etc. she’s young. Let her be. She’ll do that if she wants to. When she wants to. Go and have some experiences with her. Do not speak to her dad.

HollyKnight · 22/03/2024 04:14

Good on her for enjoying life while she is still young. If she has the means to do that, why should she rush to join the rat race of adult life? Growing up is shit. School, university, work, then retirement if you live that long, when, if you're lucky, you might finally be able to enjoy your freedom. Your DD having these experiences now will likely mean she won't feel like she has missed out on enjoying her youth.

amylou8 · 22/03/2024 04:35

What an amazing opportunity for her. She can do a degree at any point in her life when she chooses to. YABU.