DD wants a second gap year

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DD is nearly 19, her dad and I split when she was little and he was much more comfortable, he was mortgage free, made a lot more than I did. He was able to max out DDs childhood trust fund/JISA allowance each year. His parents also saved for her (she is the only child and grandchild on that side, I have other children). Basically on turning 18 she had nearly half a million available to her. She lives with her dad from 10-18 and our relationship is a little fraught.

She decided to take a gap year, in August she left on a one way flight to Bangkok and hasn't been home since. She's met an Irish boy who I don't know if he's her boyfriend or what but they seem to be travelling together now. I'm happy she's out exploring. I don't know how her dad's managing the money with her or if she just has full access, but she's doing cheap hostels etc. so I imagine he's regulating access. She's a good kid, had a part time job at sixth form etc, and always seemed so driven. She has deferred entry offer for Law at a really good uni.

Tonight we planned a call, I asked if she had any idea when she would be home. She said she probably won't be back this year, that her dad is coming out to meet her soon. I asked about uni and she said she doesn't want to study law anymore, maybe wants to do languages or Physiotherapy? Is undecided, wants time to decide.
I asked her plan, apparently her and this Irish guy are going to head to Australia around July, do a working holiday for 5-7 months, then head off to South America for 6 months!

I'm worried about her, this is nothing like she used to be and I don't think another gap year is in her best interests?? She will be 2 years older than most her uni cohort by the time she starts? She wanted to study law forever and now it's caution to the wind.

AIBU to be unhappy with this and to speak to her dad to see if he can make her think rationally? Otherwise I fear she will waste all this money just travelling and regret it when older

Your daughter doesn't have to have a law degree to have a career in law, and many lawyers I know regret not opting for a different subject at university. Leave her to make her own decisions.

I was 20 years older than my cohort at Uni ... Makes no difference.

What else should she spend in on??

What an incredible opportunity for her! One of my regrets is not travelling more when I was younger. I was so desperate to get to uni and start my career. I wish I'd chilled out and explored the world when I could.

Please be happy for her enjoying her youth and amazing financial freedom. I'm late 40s, own home, career, married, child etc. and one of the biggest questions I ask myself looking back is what was the flipping rush? Once you're working with bills to pay, it's very hard to plan to not do that, as you begin to establish a life and commitments. I started work the day after I graduated, had one six month maternity leave, and am still staring down the barrel of 20 more years of working before I can really relax and spend time away seeing new places. Don't get me wrong, I'm lucky in lots of ways to have the life I have, and I've had some amazing holidays, and travel for work and see some lovely places, but it's all time constrained and cost constrained. Please don't wish your daughter's amazing opportunities away through some sense that she should be serious and study and immediately start her career and so on. She really does have the rest of her life for that.

I also think going to uni with a more experienced and mature head on her shoulders can only be a good thing. I'm convinced a lot of 18yo still go to uni because they don't know what else to do, despite the cost, and if she comes back in a year or two with a clearer idea of what she wants to do with her life then that can only be a good thing.

Oh and if I could, I'd be saving like mad to go out and meet her for a holiday later in the year or next year.

Unwise for her to know that she has so much money at 18...............

If it was in a JISA then when she turned 18 it would have automatically turned into an adult ISA in her name. There isn't really a way to get around her knowing about money in her name?

I think people are worrying to much about her spending. If she is staying in hostels and backpacking she won't be spending much at all.

A house or two? One to live in, one to rent for income?

I returned to uni after a much needed two year break and was therefore older than my classmates. It wasn’t a problem and I wasn’t the only one. Don’t worry about this!

I understand that you’re worried. It’s completely normal to be! But no, I do not think that you should try to talk to her father.
the chances of this succeeding are about zero in my personal opinion. And you will probably cause a lot of friction and resentment if you try!

YANBU. I’d be troubled by this too.

Having observed friends and contemporaries over the years, I think that once you get off the education treadmill it’s very hard to get back on. Not hard in terms of gaining a place (if she has the A levels, she’ll get on courses), but more in terms of getting back into the “zone”. Yes of course plenty of people study well into adulthood, but I think it takes a lot of motivation and drive to do that. It’s much easier to just go from GCSE to A level to university, get it all done in one go.

I’ve known quite a few people who deferred, then deferred again, then kind of lost the momentum, and never went back into education.

But there’s nothing you can do about it unfortunately. She’s legally an adult and she has the money to fund her choices. But I sympathise OP, I’d be upset as well.

My son is about to graduate with a law degree. Even he admits that he might not choose that path if he had the time over. It seems like a stable route to a career, but unlike medicine, there are no caps on places, so there are way more grads than traineeship opportunities. Even with a first he’ll likely struggle to get taken on, as he just doesn’t have the connections. I think your daughter is absolutely right to only pursue it if she’s certain it’s what she wants.

Oh yes, OP, if at all possible: could you visit her?

if that’s just not financially possible you could talk to her DF about that (instead of the 2nd gap year). Wanting to see your own DD is completely normal after all.

I did law and currently work in that field. It was ultimately the right decision for me.

but I’m not sure if I’d make the same decision again. 100% agree with your DS about that.

@PumpkinsAndCoconuts

I have 3 younger children, there is no way I will fly half way across the world without them .
There is also absolutely no way her dad would even give me 10p let alone help me fund that.
It's been his goal for a decade to damage my relationship with DD!

DH travelled for 2 years between his undergrad degree and his PhD. I didn’t know him then and it was back in the 1980’s. He had the time of his life. My only worry is if this lad knows she has money and she is subbing him. I would think if her Father is regulating the money it’s fine. If she just has full access then that’s a mistake.

I’d also say that physiotherapy has the potential to be a better option than law. I know a few law graduate shop workers, it’s very hard to get a training position.

shes unlikely to be out of work as a physio. With the added benefit of the chance of being able to set her own business up and possibly make big money. Especially as she has funds behind her for a set up.

Also I'm not entirely sure she'd want me to.
I get the feeling she only talks to me out of obligation these days. Her dad's attempts to damage our relationship have been unfortunately successful.

I think she wants to do Physiotherapy with the hope of working with a sports team or similar and still being able to travel - that seems unlikely though.

It’s interesting that most people are saying she should travel the world, have fun, spend her money, because she’ll regret it if she doesn’t. I think, with house prices as they are, she’s far more likely to regret pissing away half a million on travelling for years (and possibly subbing her friend?), then being unable to get on the housing ladder till she’s 40 ! A year is long enough to travel a lot, see many places, have an amazing time.

You can guide her, but not influence her.
She's growing up and finding herself.

In your shoes, I'd go with the flow... she'll have ample time to do a degree and all the other sensible stuff that comes with being an adult.

That sounds incredibly difficult.

In this situation I definitely would not try to talk to him about the second gap year. You will not succeed.

but you may very well cause significant damage to your relationship with your DD!

I would support her.

I had 5 years out and met my first love (an American) travelling…. some of the best memories of my life and I wouldn’t take it back for anything.
I spent all my inheritance doing that but don’t regret it at all.

I then went to uni and did a BA and an MA, 4 or 5 years older than a lot of my cohort but still made some great friends and enjoyed the uni experience.

It seems most thing I'm being unreasonable fair enough.

I did message her dad and ask how the money is being managed.

He replied with

"Not that it's actually your business, but DD and I have discussed this and she has an allocated amount for her free use. So far she's set to spend less than £15,000 this year and next year she'd be earning in Australia so even less. She isn't wasting it. What she doesn't have access to is being invested and earning anyway. Leave her alone; let her live"

Haven't really processed his reply enough to know I'm annoyed at the attitude or just happy it's not being wasted but there we go.

I actually think this is brilliant. You’ll miss her I’m sure but she’ll be have long a fantastic time and maturing into an adult. I think it’s a bad idea to go straight to uni. It’s expensive and if you make the wrong decision or coast through it you’ve wasted an opportunity.
Let her grown up and decide what she wants for herself.