DD wants a second gap year

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DD is nearly 19, her dad and I split when she was little and he was much more comfortable, he was mortgage free, made a lot more than I did. He was able to max out DDs childhood trust fund/JISA allowance each year. His parents also saved for her (she is the only child and grandchild on that side, I have other children). Basically on turning 18 she had nearly half a million available to her. She lives with her dad from 10-18 and our relationship is a little fraught.

She decided to take a gap year, in August she left on a one way flight to Bangkok and hasn't been home since. She's met an Irish boy who I don't know if he's her boyfriend or what but they seem to be travelling together now. I'm happy she's out exploring. I don't know how her dad's managing the money with her or if she just has full access, but she's doing cheap hostels etc. so I imagine he's regulating access. She's a good kid, had a part time job at sixth form etc, and always seemed so driven. She has deferred entry offer for Law at a really good uni.

Tonight we planned a call, I asked if she had any idea when she would be home. She said she probably won't be back this year, that her dad is coming out to meet her soon. I asked about uni and she said she doesn't want to study law anymore, maybe wants to do languages or Physiotherapy? Is undecided, wants time to decide.
I asked her plan, apparently her and this Irish guy are going to head to Australia around July, do a working holiday for 5-7 months, then head off to South America for 6 months!

I'm worried about her, this is nothing like she used to be and I don't think another gap year is in her best interests?? She will be 2 years older than most her uni cohort by the time she starts? She wanted to study law forever and now it's caution to the wind.

AIBU to be unhappy with this and to speak to her dad to see if he can make her think rationally? Otherwise I fear she will waste all this money just travelling and regret it when older

YABU and he is right, her money and how it’s managed is absolutely nothing to do with you. You blame her father for damaging your relationship with her but your posts come across as cold and judgemental and like you feel as if you have any say in how she spends her own money (that did not come from you).

As an aside, I don't think anybody is ever going to admit 'regretting their travels'. Even if they secretly do. The travelling sort (these days!) IME generally have some sort of family backing, so fewer financial worries. But it's also about timing!

I have a couple of mates who quit their jobs instead of taking a sabbatical just after Covid, travelled. Now yet to find another at the same level, even though they gave up wanting remote work for full-time office roles. They're not skilled enough to get a work visa for another country so they're stuck here on half their previous salary with little money even for holidays. With rents that have shot up considerably.
If they'd done all this in the bountiful, pre-Covid years , in fact coming back just as Covid hit they'd have walked into a job easily and become a 'success story' like your niece. But as we're now in a recession and our industry has had massive layoffs after over-hiring, they're shit out of luck.

Meanwhile another colleague bought the house etc, rented it out and is now off to Australia. DH and I got jobs that allow global remote work , we haven't been able to travel because of health issues but are now going to do so before TTC. We get to have it all the careers, the money, the property. Who knows, if we like a country we might even move permanently. Our skills, that we took the time to build are in demand all over the globe.

Just depends I guess on what your priorities and plans are.

OP, as she has been provided for solely by her father since the age of 10, and he and his family have given her such a large financial cushion, it really isn’t your business at all.
Did you contribute any child support to your oldest daughter at all during those years?

Focus on your younger children.
Be grateful your oldest daughter is willing to communicate with you.

It’s quite an unusual set up for a teenage girl to only be living with her father.

I wonder why she didn’t have shared custody with you? Or she didn’t want to stay with you?

I did similar in my 20s. Still travel a lot now, actually. I imagine her father has educated her on financial matters, and just because she’s spending some doesn’t mean she isn’t simultaneously making more, depending on how it is being managed.

Going travelling doesn’t mean she’s blowing through it, and it doesn’t mean she’ll struggle to achieve traditional markers of success.

Agree.

Her father has raised her and paid for her.
You are lucky that your eldest daughter has such a responsible and generous father.

You'd be surprised how many people at my university are mature students. Let her see the world... she can study at any age. Life's too short x

Good for her.

To whom? Why would she realistically care about whether it’s a ‘good look’ or not? It’s not like she’s in a position where she has to care about the judgement of those that would rather see her pretend that she doesn’t have access to the funds she does.

Her money is being well managed. She can afford to do this and not struggle later on in life. Good for her tbh, I hope she’s having a wonderful time!

I did the law degree/SQE/worked in a firm etc. etc. if this were my son I would absolutely be encouraging as much travel as possible. I would also be encouraging him not to choose law though...but that's just me 😄

Don't push her to go to university if she is undecided. What's the point in wasting three years, getting into thousands of pounds of debt for something you don't want to pursue.

Let her enjoy her gap years, even if she takes three.

no-one regrets travel

I don't think this is true. A friend of mine spent a few years in their twenties not really deciding what to do, travelling, part time work etc.

They did regret it later, when they found it very very hard to "catch up" financially having begun career/saving etc much later than others. It was a real concern that they had left themselves in a position of not being able to afford a home/children.

Op i think your DD is lucky to have some financial security to enable her to do this for a while, but I'd talk to her Dad about ring fencing it to ensure she can't piss it all away thinking its enough that she never has to work and support herself. 500k does not go far.

This, how old are your other dc who you say you won't leave to spend time with her?
Has it always been like this then?
Does she have a bed or room at your house?

Thems' the breaks - if someone gave me an account with half a million in it (even if it were regulated), i don't think i'd be rushing into work or study if i'm honest. Id be off travelling and seeing the world.

So what if she is 2 yrs older than her cohorts at university, i went to uni at 28. The timetable isn't set, she doesn't have to choose now and forever be bound to one career or she strays the path.

This. His message as well sounds very protective of her. What's the story about this op.

A few months working in agriculture or possibly a bar is sooo enriching.

Get off your high horse you miserable snob. 🤮

He’s really pressing your buttons with that last message. This is just such a hard situation for you.

Put aside his motivations here. If he’s engaged in a battle to ‘win’ your daughters affections, then that’s his problem. Don’t engage. This is just about your daughter.

I went to university 3 years ‘late’. It was a great decision. I worked really hard and came top in my year. I was young enough to still enjoy the social aspects of university, but old enough to value the studying.

I have a teenage dd who has considered law. I would honestly prefer her to be a physiotherapist! Remember that career choices
aren’t fixed forever. We will all be working a long time, and if your dd chooses not to pursue law now, it doesn’t rule it out further down the line.

@LawrieForShepherdsBoy there's nothing wrong with his message. And nothing to win, since he raised her.

To be honest she is getting a fabulous education doing what she's doing! Wow how fantastic! I wouldn't worry about uni at all at this stage. She's living an amazing life and will eventually have to get down to it, but let her be and stop worrying!

Absolutely none of your bloody business and she seems to be doing fine without your input.

You opted out of parenting her when she was 10, you can't now start throwing your weight around.

It sounds like it is you that has messed up, you haven't been there for her. Focus on that and stop blaming everyone else around you. Work on yourself and put genuine effort into mending your relationship with your DD.

She should do it. She is only young once. As long as she isn't expecting big cash handouts from her parents I think It's fine.

What an amazing opportunity she has. She will also take more from her degree for being a bit more mature and having real life experience to relate it to.
It must be hard being kept out of the loop and worrying about her future and perhaps that’s the one of the underlying issues here.
I will say again, what a phenomenal opportunity your daughter has been given - it will set her up for life

Because there are good reasons why ,psychologically ,children and young adults from moneyed backgrounds should learn how to strive for something rather than it be handed to them on a plate! It can affect motivation and drive and becoming an adult is sometimes about moving away from what your parents want or plan for you.However there is more to this situation than just about gap years at the end of the day.

What a wonderful experience for her!

I wouldn't worry, the starting uni 2 years late thing doesn't matter and this will give her more time to reflect on what she really wants from life.

Law is a big, serious degree to study and one she shouldn't embark upon if she's not serious/willing to put in the work, so sounds like a good thing that's she's realised she's not that fussed.

Who says they don’t? Striving for something doesn’t have to mean striving for money through necessity.

Personally I don’t see the point of striving for the sake of striving, especially when it’s being promoted to appease the sensibilities of those that have no other choice in the matter. When you have no other options it’s easy to make your own circumstances some sort of moral stance, as if everyone’s reality ‘should’ reflect your own. Well, no. Can’t see the appeal of that one.

It sounds like he’s taught her money management. She’s using a small amount of the total, and the rest is being invested to generate further wealth. I imagine she’ll be absolutely fine.