DD wants a second gap year

[Longstorylittle]

DD is nearly 19, her dad and I split when she was little and he was much more comfortable, he was mortgage free, made a lot more than I did. He was able to max out DDs childhood trust fund/JISA allowance each year. His parents also saved for her (she is the only child and grandchild on that side, I have other children). Basically on turning 18 she had nearly half a million available to her. She lives with her dad from 10-18 and our relationship is a little fraught.

She decided to take a gap year, in August she left on a one way flight to Bangkok and hasn't been home since. She's met an Irish boy who I don't know if he's her boyfriend or what but they seem to be travelling together now. I'm happy she's out exploring. I don't know how her dad's managing the money with her or if she just has full access, but she's doing cheap hostels etc. so I imagine he's regulating access. She's a good kid, had a part time job at sixth form etc, and always seemed so driven. She has deferred entry offer for Law at a really good uni.

Tonight we planned a call, I asked if she had any idea when she would be home. She said she probably won't be back this year, that her dad is coming out to meet her soon. I asked about uni and she said she doesn't want to study law anymore, maybe wants to do languages or Physiotherapy? Is undecided, wants time to decide.
I asked her plan, apparently her and this Irish guy are going to head to Australia around July, do a working holiday for 5-7 months, then head off to South America for 6 months!

I'm worried about her, this is nothing like she used to be and I don't think another gap year is in her best interests?? She will be 2 years older than most her uni cohort by the time she starts? She wanted to study law forever and now it's caution to the wind.

AIBU to be unhappy with this and to speak to her dad to see if he can make her think rationally? Otherwise I fear she will waste all this money just travelling and regret it when older

It sounds like the money is being managed sensibly tbh. Realistically 500k is a buttload of money so I don't think she's at risk of squandering it doing the kind of travel that she is.

I went to uni 3 years later than my peers and it made zero difference. Zero. If anything I was a bit more mature and able to cope with the workload.

This is an amazing opportunity for her that so many don't have, travelling while you're young and untethered is wonderful and enriching. And she's not even just dossing about on a beach, she plans to work. As long as she's being safe, it sounds incredible to me.

What exactly is it you have a problem with?

I don't blame you for being concerned to be honest but agree there's little you can do. I don't think you sound jealous, just worried that she's not going down the career path you envisaged (which is perfectly understandable). Even though you don't like the father, hopefully he's reasonable father. When's the next time you are going to see your daughter face to face? That will make you feel better. Also I think the hard truth is that if women want children, their time to sort out careers may be more limited than men's. By the time you reach your 30s ideally you have a stable job, where you can get good maternity leave. Of course there are many women who find their way via other routes but it can be tricky. But at the end of the day, hopefully she's only going to be away for another year, have some fantastic experiences, and maybe she doesn't need to think so much about her finances as others because of her set up.

The money is being managed sensible, being two years older is no problem, she’s exploring the world and is going to be earning in Australia, I honestly think it’s by and large a good thing, changing courses isn’t a bad thing either, having some life experience behind you before making a decision like that is probably a good thing, we’re working older and older these days, having some fun, exploring the world and having a real think if law is what you want to do for your working life is all good.

OP@Longstorylittle I had 2 gap years, utterly no problem at all and I started uni having worked and earns some money (as well as travelling )which helped. If she is undecided about a particular degree then having extra time is far far better than getting into a career that you then leave after training.

Although seeing your other post that your ex said she’s spending 15000k this year I am a bit shocked (!!! ) I earnt all my own money for travelling although my parents did give me bed and board whilst I was working….being funded by your daddy isn’t a good look :(

On my deathbed, I'll regret not having seen more of the world! I won't regret having not studied!

He's a cheeky twat as I think you are ok to ask him as you also have a concern as her mother. However I do think she should carry on, it sounds like she's having a great time & has good solid plans. I'd support her loads, try to connect with her as much as you can & be excited for her (pretend if you have to!). She'll remember that in years to come.

Well, I really feel for you. This isn't about what she's doing really, it's that you matter so little to her really, you're not part of the telling what she's doing or planning, and I'd utterly hate that. I'd reply to your ex just with something like, "thank you, it's great to have the reassurance that she's ok financially while she's travelling. Amazing times!" And then i wouldn't contact him ever again about her or her money (he sounds like he relishes the opportunity to flex his wealth to you), and concentrate on building a connection with daughter that needs to be about being there for her emotionally, that she can count on you. And the connections with her siblings. Honestly with kids this age that are trying to work out what they are doing you have to let them figure that out. Don't get me wrong, I'd worry constantly about her and her future, but in reality with money backing her (as she has) she can do what she likes and it will be fine. I've also found it better to avoid asking questions. So if I want to see that she looks all right, I'd whatsapp a pic of "my view right now" (something rubbish, or rain) so she can show off hers is better... and I'm reassured that she's alive.

i did this (the 2 years before uni part) it never made an ounce of difference being 2 years older than my cohort. better to ‘waste’ money now experiencing the world than on a course she isn’t even sure she wants to do imo. also if anything she will be way better prepared for ‘real life’ outside the family home than she would be going direct to uni from school.

What makes him a cheeky twat? It’s money belonging to his daughter saved by his parents and himself. He explained the arrangement even though he didn’t have to.

He’s done the parenting, he’s supported and is still supporting her financially, he’s not accountable to OP. He’s not the cheeky one.

I don't think students who have a gap year or two ever regret travelling and seeing more of the world. My niece spent a gap year travelling. Her bf did not. After she completed her degree and worked for 5 years they got engaged. Then married 2 years later. For their honeymoon they spent 9 months travelling the world. She gave up her job and he got a sabbatical year. She became pregnant and they came back. She got another job. He resumed work. Now they have 3 DC and a really huge mortgage. They don't regret their travels. Let your DD enjoy her life how she wants to. Uni is always there when she is ready.

Reading your last update @Longstorylittle i think you have to be content with knowing that she’s not being reckless, that her dad IS being responsible and supportive of her, and that for whatever reason YOU don’t have the right to make any demands of her, you simply don’t have the depth of relationship with her or connection to have any say or comment

it’s telling that you wouldn’t even consider flying out to see her without your other kids, and your dh and his family only have her and she’s clearly had the undivided love from them as she’s an only. Sounds like you may have been too busy to be there for her and she’s clocked that. Kids ARE savvy like that, if they get more attention from one side, and less and less from another they’re going to vote with their feet if they have an option. You blame your h for destroying your relationship with her, but it looks like there’s way more to it than that and you must face up to the fact that you too have blame in this situation.

shes well, she’s happy, she’s well cared for. Your input - however you feel is well placed - will come across badly, intrusive and unwelcome.

shes not your child anymore, she’s your adult daughter and the only chance you have of creating a new relationship with her is on new terms, you need to be supportive and in the background, but asking questions of her dad about her isn’t your business anymore. You moved on and your ex and your dd know this.

YABU. Sounds absolutely amazing! Good on her.

Don’t be daft! Not a good look! She’s 18 not 38. It’s £15k out of hundreds of thousands

she’ll have experiences that she’ll remember forever and learn so much about herself and the world. She’d have been spending that money at Uni anyway.

it’s the journey of a lifetime and her father having enabled it will be something she’ll be grateful for forever

This is what gap years are for .... to gain a bit of perspective on life and perhaps use that to change direction. Her plans do not sound out of order at all. Many children have a degree/ career in mind when in fact they are too young to have even the vaguest notion what it entails.
Good luck to her. Please try not to worry.

I agree with your DH.

The money is non of your business, it did not come from you so you have no right to dictate or ask questions. You have no right to be even annoyed!

Your daughter is only young once and once they go to uni, start work etc then she probably won't have this opportunity again. Good for her!

When I went to uni I met people who were 21-25+ it wasn't unheard of.

I think it's great that she has the opportunity to travel and the freedom to not worry about money - what an enviable position to be in!

Good for her! She’s young with no responsibilities and might not have this chance again. Being 2 years older at uni doesn’t matter at all, that’s nothing.

She isn’t wasting the money she has saved for her. She has more time to think about what she wants to study, she’s less likely to end up with a job she doesn’t like.

Have you ever spoken with her about his? Considered family therapy? I’d wonder how much of your poor relationship - and her choosing to live with her dad - is really the result of her dad supposedly trying to damage things between you and how much of it is the result of her not getting on with your new partner/s and / or feeling pushed out by the several younger children you went on to have? It’s striking that you wouldn’t even consider travelling anywhere without the younger ones, in order to visit your eldest. Do you think she might be hurt at feeling low down in your level of priorities?

You divorced and had a second family and your DD chose to live with her dad at 10yrs old?

It’s her life and you have to trust that she’ll make good choices. She’s certainly sounds clued up and with the financial support from her dad, I’m sure she’ll do very well.

I did Law at Uni as a slightly mature student in my mid twenties and you get much more out of the course once you have some life experience behind you.

100% agree.

I also had to put up with the constant ‘your other parent is trying to poison you against me’ bollocks from my parents. People have their own mind you know.

You do sound jealous and very bitter which your DD has likely picked up on. Not doing you any favours.

Nothing wrong with his reply to you. Please reassess your attitude to all this.

Well, OP all the 😎 are telling you how uptight you are, so I suppose they must be right. A few months working in agriculture or possibly a bar is sooo enriching. ( I expect Daddy is sorting out the 635ad permit for her). Then off to South America, where they don’t seem to have enough jobs or indeed lodgings for the citizens ( or so my Brazilian friends tell me).

At least it doesn’t sound as if you will be the parent who is expected to pick up the pieces if anything doesn’t go according to plan ( although Daddys are not always so supportive when faced with long term drama).

YAB massively U

Uni is not the be all and end all, she's gaining so much more real world life experience and will no doubt be a better well rounded adult for it

The last sentence is key here, she doesn't have to worry about things like 'good maternity leave'. She's unlikely to have a mortgage with that kind of money, or even if she does, a small one, nothing a single earner can't cover. I do agree that in general it's better to be financially sorted before kids, as moving etc with them as hard. Also they could have severe disabilities and there's half the family's earning potential gone, down the drain.

As long as she doesn't make any mistakes like marrying a waster who takes half upon divorce, but if her family are financially savvy enough to have saved that much they'll have all the legal stuff covered.

That aside, a good degree will get you a nice grad job with a big company that has good benefits like maternity leave across the board. Of course, time out with kids when 'less senior' can set you back a couple of years but these days, we will all be working until we drop probably. What's a few years?

based on her Dads response and your reaction I can kind of see why she has a better relationship with her dad if I'm honest