DD wants a second gap year

[Longstorylittle]

DD is nearly 19, her dad and I split when she was little and he was much more comfortable, he was mortgage free, made a lot more than I did. He was able to max out DDs childhood trust fund/JISA allowance each year. His parents also saved for her (she is the only child and grandchild on that side, I have other children). Basically on turning 18 she had nearly half a million available to her. She lives with her dad from 10-18 and our relationship is a little fraught.

She decided to take a gap year, in August she left on a one way flight to Bangkok and hasn't been home since. She's met an Irish boy who I don't know if he's her boyfriend or what but they seem to be travelling together now. I'm happy she's out exploring. I don't know how her dad's managing the money with her or if she just has full access, but she's doing cheap hostels etc. so I imagine he's regulating access. She's a good kid, had a part time job at sixth form etc, and always seemed so driven. She has deferred entry offer for Law at a really good uni.

Tonight we planned a call, I asked if she had any idea when she would be home. She said she probably won't be back this year, that her dad is coming out to meet her soon. I asked about uni and she said she doesn't want to study law anymore, maybe wants to do languages or Physiotherapy? Is undecided, wants time to decide.
I asked her plan, apparently her and this Irish guy are going to head to Australia around July, do a working holiday for 5-7 months, then head off to South America for 6 months!

I'm worried about her, this is nothing like she used to be and I don't think another gap year is in her best interests?? She will be 2 years older than most her uni cohort by the time she starts? She wanted to study law forever and now it's caution to the wind.

AIBU to be unhappy with this and to speak to her dad to see if he can make her think rationally? Otherwise I fear she will waste all this money just travelling and regret it when older

She may very well regret it. Or she may look back on it and consider this one of the best decisions of her entire life.

she is an adult woman and she is free to make her own choices. And she has the means to finance those choices.

and especially given the fact that OP calls their relationship a little “fraught”? And a father who is apparently trying to destroy their relationship (which may very well be the case but the DD’s perspective probably still won’t be the same as OP’s)?

It seems like an incredibly bad idea to try to dissuade the DD.

Unless you’d want to end up with a 3rd gap year and a daughter who may very well consider going NC. That’s at least my personal opinion.

I went to university at 18, but I did a four year degree with a year abroad and then a Masters overseas, so I had two "gap" years too.

That meant I joined the workforce two years ahead of some (but by no means all) of my peers, but it made no difference long term, I had a great time, learnt languages and saw something of the world (well Europe anyway).

It really doesn't matter if she travels now, it wouldn't matter if she decided to work in Sainsburys in your town to earn money for two years, either. Barring illness or accidents, our lifespan and working lifespans are long, and she has plenty of time.

Sounds amazing.

Are you jealous?

Daughter of a friend of mine did the same, worked in Australia, travelled around South America, never did uni (it's not the be-all and end-all of life) and has a fantastic job now back home.

Her being a couple of years older than other students is honestly fine. She probably won't have the chance again, let her do it.

She might not even go to university and it might not be a problem if she doesn't .
She might start a job where she can progress without a degree, do a degree level apprenticeship or all manner of other options.

Going to university in the UK is very expensive and not everyone benefits financially from it. If she's going to succeed as a lawyer, she's going to have to put in a good few years where her firm owns her and her life and unless she gets through that it might not be worth it financially.

It doesn't sound like she's going to piss through her money living the high life so I think it's fine to let her see where life takes her for now.

She's living the dream. The cost of living over there is really low, the weather is great, she seems to have a boyfriend. It sounds lovely to be honest. She hasn't called you weeping from the police station or the hospital has she?
I travelled round that area for 6 months in my mid 20s and it was amazing. No-one ever regrets travelling. And lucky her to have cash from her Dad.
She's probably had a bit of change of heart about Law, she's probably into the slightly more wellness/hippy/ alternative side of things if she's been backpacking for a year. I'm sure whatever she studies she will do great.
Just let her enjoy these young fun years. You are only young once!
Loads of people go to Uni in their 20s and beyond. She'll be meeting people of all ages on her travels and will probably be a lot more mature than the average first year student, after all that life experience.

If it's true, it looks completely reasonable to me.

And even if it isn't, there is nothing you can do about it.

I think you need to come to terms that your DD is an adult now.

Someone who will make their own decisions, the good, the bad and the ugly ones.

Build bridges by supporting her and show interest in her life.

You need to support your daughter. She's not blowing the money and is gaining experience traveling the world. It's not a bad thing to start uni later when you have a better sense of self and an idea about what you want to do.

Stop blaming her father for your relationship with her. She may be picking up on your judgement here and that is most definitely not helping your relationship

Chap I went to school with went off on his gap year aged 18, and never came back, cancer sadly got him in his early 50's, but he roamed the world, never owning more than the clothes he stood in, worked to pay for the next move, lived with locals, often tribes and remote peoples, totally got absorbed in their culture.

When I read his obituary it occurred to me that his short life was so much richer in discovery than most, and he never got tied by the trappings of ownership.

I guess your daughter will head home OP, but she has the funds to have great adventures whilst she is young, let her enjoy!

I’d say if her dad and grandparents have managed to save £500k for her, they sound financially savvy and not the type of people who’d let her fritter it away. And it’s none of your business how the money is being spent unfortunately. Now you’re no longer married, that money is between your adult dd and her dad and grandparents. I had similar with a friend who wanted to see proof from her ex husband he’d put money away as promised for their dd for a car and driving lessons to be split 50/50. We had to be quite blunt in the end that as you’re no longer together, his finances are none of your concern.

@Longstorylittle- I'm afraid I agree with him- if this money has been saved entirely by him and his family, it's a bit cheeky to ask for a breakdown of your 18yr old daughters spending.

I find it shocking that you didn't raise this young woman, and rather than trying to either build a relationship with her or leave her alone, you're interfering in her personal finances and trying to ruin her life experiences?
Can you just..not? The bitterness radiates from your posts, likely it's clear to her too.

What is there to process? She’s being reasonable and thrifty-ish, he’s clearly helping her act responsibly. What reason do you have for questioning his care of her and why would he want to damage your relationship with her?

She’s not snorting coke or bathing in champagne in 5 star resorts, she’s back packing and planning to work. He hasn’t given her a blank cheque and washed his hands of her, he’s letting her spread her wings while ensuring the bulk of the money is invested well.

Have you paid maintenance for the last 8 years? Are you going to contribute to her living costs at uni?

As a physio - if she wants to study Physiotherapy she needs to

• have got work experience in the nhs before any decent uni will even consider her application
• be really sure - its a tough degree with 40 hours either lectures or placement a week, so need to be really committed. Plus it costs the NHS approx £70,000 to train a new physio, so its a waste if money if quit part way through
• be emotionally mature - people often think its just sports injuries etc - its not - its elderly people with dementia, life limited children, ITU ( I witnessed my first death at 19 on placement). Its a fabulous job with lots of options, but the training is intensive and rigorous
• be back in the country from the October before she wishes to start, so this October for Sept 2025 start. Most universities do in person interviews to assess whether the applicant has a suitable personality for this job

Honestly. I think you sound a little jealous.

YABVU

Uni will always be there. Opportunity to travel and explore won't be!

I think this is a good way to look at it. It can be a bloody difficult step accepting that your child is no longer a child but an adult who will make their own choices, have their own thoughts and opinions and who, ultimately, will no longer look to you for the ‘OK’ on their life changes.
Her dad isn’t wrong, altho he was a bit rude, it simply isn’t your business.

Sorry OP, I understand your frustration at your daughter preferring her dad. But if she lived with him from ages 10 -18, he's been the RP during her difficult teenage years. And doesn't owe you/your other kids any money.

No matter when your daughter chooses to go to university, she's set for life. Other people need to work and earn young enough to achieve their goals of buying a house, if no family help. But she will have a deposit handed to her on a plate.

Lucky girl. Let her enjoy her good fortune. You focus on your other 3 kids, who don't have such privileges.

This is the time and age to travel

She's so lucky to have the funds to do this

It's a fantastic opportunity before she settles into uni, work DC etc

YABU, 2 years of travelling will enhance her future if anything.

It will make her a confident young person which clearly she is embracing

I completely agree with your concerns and worry OP. But I can’t see that you can do anything that won’t end up with her looking at you like the bad guy. She’s an adult, she has access to money. It’s up to her

Sorry let your daughter be sounds like she’s making the most of her life and opportunities

my daughter did a year in Ghana, then a foundation year so effectively started her degree two years late but it doesn’t matter she’s currently in her third year and spending it in Malaysia at uni after travelling

life’s far too short and uni definitely not the be all and end all. My Dd is planning another year travelling and working once she’s done her masters

i very much doubt she’ll ever settle in the UK again

let your daughter live her life.

Sounds amazing.

I wish I'd had the opportunity to do that instead of studying for a degree and then deciding I wanted to work in a completely different field anyway as I found it as dull as dishwater (may or may not have been law as well 🤪)