DD wants a second gap year

[Longstorylittle]

DD is nearly 19, her dad and I split when she was little and he was much more comfortable, he was mortgage free, made a lot more than I did. He was able to max out DDs childhood trust fund/JISA allowance each year. His parents also saved for her (she is the only child and grandchild on that side, I have other children). Basically on turning 18 she had nearly half a million available to her. She lives with her dad from 10-18 and our relationship is a little fraught.

She decided to take a gap year, in August she left on a one way flight to Bangkok and hasn't been home since. She's met an Irish boy who I don't know if he's her boyfriend or what but they seem to be travelling together now. I'm happy she's out exploring. I don't know how her dad's managing the money with her or if she just has full access, but she's doing cheap hostels etc. so I imagine he's regulating access. She's a good kid, had a part time job at sixth form etc, and always seemed so driven. She has deferred entry offer for Law at a really good uni.

Tonight we planned a call, I asked if she had any idea when she would be home. She said she probably won't be back this year, that her dad is coming out to meet her soon. I asked about uni and she said she doesn't want to study law anymore, maybe wants to do languages or Physiotherapy? Is undecided, wants time to decide.
I asked her plan, apparently her and this Irish guy are going to head to Australia around July, do a working holiday for 5-7 months, then head off to South America for 6 months!

I'm worried about her, this is nothing like she used to be and I don't think another gap year is in her best interests?? She will be 2 years older than most her uni cohort by the time she starts? She wanted to study law forever and now it's caution to the wind.

AIBU to be unhappy with this and to speak to her dad to see if he can make her think rationally? Otherwise I fear she will waste all this money just travelling and regret it when older

There is something to be said for seeing/ being in the world, and not juts straight into university- she already sees herself going down a different route than law, into something completely unrelated. Maybe that's what she sticks on, maybe not. I don't see her being older as an issue- she has an opportunity to see the world most of us would cut our right arms off for. If the money is being managed well, and she's not blowing through the lot, it's will give her a massive step up when she does decide what she wants to do and where. I wouldn't see this as a negative.

What an amazing opportunity.

I am not sure how you can't be happy for her to be having this experience. Her eyes have been opened to the rest of the world now, and her 'dream' of doing law isnt a priority. Remember when she made that decision she was living in a way more closed off world.

Perhaps work on your relationship as pushing her to come back and do want YOU want her to do, isn't going to have her on the first plane home.

I am in a similar situation. My dd deferred a year from doing her dream course. It's two years later now and she is working hard but living life well working on yachts.

How can I not be happy for her? She has her whole life to study and do the menial stuff in life.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that YANBU to feel worried. If this was my DD, I would be concerned that she drifts around for years, spends a lot of money and misses out on educational opportunities. It's fine to start uni at 19 or 20, but I'd be worried that she keeps putting it off and ends up never going.

My BIL went off to do the travelling thing when he was 23 (after getting a degree). He never came back, and now he's living in Thailand with no partner, kids, pension savings or steady job in his 50s. I guess he's a "free spirit" and has chosen to skip all that boring stuff. Fair enough. It wouldn't be what I would want for my DC though.

I'm not sure there's much you can do about it though. It probably isn't worth trying to stop her, as it sounds like she won't listen to you and it may make your already strained relationship worse.

She is doing the right thing. You do not know what the future will be, she is young, healthy and exploring the world.

You can go to uni at any time, I went at 32 and I was not the oldest in my cohort.

I understand your worry as we always worry for our children but suspect you’re projecting a lot of the messaging that you heard and acted on onto her.

I too was a generation that was told I needed to get a profession and a stable job etc etc and as a result I’ve felt I’m not living an authentic life and feel so trapped by the ‘sensible’ decisions. I wish I’d felt free enough to live more as a younger person and explore and find out who I was.

Once you’ve picked a track, it’s not impossible to change but very very hard. Especially now with the cost of it all. Far better to study with a few years of life experience under her belt; if indeed she does end up choosing to study.

please make sure you aren’t letting your doubts come across as if she feels judged or criticised she won’t change her plans, she will just distance you from them. Far better to support and champion her regardless.

As someone who did law and wishes I’d done something more practical like physio I applaud your daughter for approaching this decision cautiously - good On her for exploring the world, I wish I’d done it more.

YANBU in my opinion. Especially if shes told the boyfriend about the large amount of money. He might just be using her. Although it's a huge amount she could easily burn through it. If people dont have that hunger or drive to achieve something sometimes they just drift. I dont know what you can do though. Maybe occasionally bring up buying investment properties, pensions and long term savings like arrange a zoom with an ifa???? But shes probably too young to think long term. Good luck.....

I think experiencing the world before continuing studies is no bad thing. I met a woman well into her 60s when I was at university. This was before tuition fees and I imagine she wanted to study for herself rather than a career. She was an outlier. But plenty of people study as mature students. If anything, early 50s, I think I’d do better now than at 18.

YABU, it’s none of your business. But I worry about how that money is making her very spoilt. Surely her dad should be keeping it to pay for her uni and future property, not on travels.

If she has nearly half a million and is spending her time in SE Asia backpacking and staying in hostels then she really won't be spending all that much.
Even if a 1/10th ends up spent on travel in the end (say 45k) she'd still have 400k for uni and a house. Hopefully more if the money is still being invested wisely now (which if her dad was maximising her JISA is what he was doing in the first place).
It will be much better for her to go to uni when she has a clearer picture of what she wants to do. I wanted to study law in my late teens, did the first year and realised I didn't really have any passion for law, I wanted to make money and everyone told me that was how I'd do it. I took a gap year, realised I'd rather make less and be happy and returned a year later to study something I really loved. I now work in a museum. Sure I could have made more by studying law and pursuing the corporate route, but I'd me miserable. Life isn't all about money, I'm happy making less and being happy.
Let her figure this out.

Also I wouldn't worry about her boyfriend/travel companion.
Lots of people meet someone while backpacking and end up travelling with them (either romantically or as friends) it's part of the fun of it!

I had a gap year and bummed around the world in my twenties and I have absolutely no regrets. Your daughter’s horizons have changed and she’s figuring stuff out.

Your circle of influence isn’t as it was and that is an adjustment. If your relationship with your DD is already fraught, don’t make matters worse by trying to impose your wants on her life.

I think she sounds very lucky and very happy. She can go to university later if she wants to. What an opportunity!

Lawyer here.

A MFL degree doesn't prevent you from being a lawyer, it makes you more highly desirable and gives you flexibility for another three years. Law is a very dry (boring) degree.

She can always do an intensive conversion year (which most firms pay for).

YABU. Uni and law is not the be all and end all. She is happy, exploring, enjoying life. Be happy for her! She has an amazing opportunity let her make the most of it.

This, if she moved out at 10-18 was that because that was around the time your other dc came along?
Good on her for enjoying life while she can rather than getting straight into the rat race!
N.b are you annoyed/tad jealous your other dc don't have this money?

YABU about her continuing her travels, and agree with PPs that you are not in a position to influence her choices.

YANBU for being concerned about the risks to your DD of having such a lot of money at a young age. (Amazing privilege but some risks too). If you have a civil relationship with your ex would seek to talk that over with him, outside of the travelling matter, eg to understand whether he / the GPs have placed constraints on the fund.

if you don’t have that relationship with him would solely focus on your relationship with DD and not give her many of your opinions.

Absolutely this:

“Lawyer here.

A MFL degree doesn't prevent you from being a lawyer, it makes you more highly desirable and gives you flexibility for another three years. Law is a very dry (boring) degree.

She can always do an intensive conversion year (which most firms pay for).”

I wouldn’t say a law degree is necessarily very dry and boring but many of the lawyers I have worked with (and DH and I) did a different degree first (languages in my case) and converted to law afterwards. That’s a very acceptable route in unless you have your sights on doing something like also qualifying for the New York Bar (currently only accepts full English law degrees). For most English lawyers, that’s not an aim.

YABU. She is out there learning, maturing, exploring. Plenty of time for uni later. Be proud that she's got the confidence to do what she's doing.

Good on her. She's gaining valuable life experience, learning about different people and cultures, and getting to know herself better. She's also working as part of this, and that's valuable too. It doesn't matter if she is older when she starts uni. Older students often do better anyway. And if she decides law isn't for her and she'd rather do something else? Good she learned that before she invested so much in a career that isn't right for her. I think you should be proud of her and not worry at this stage.

So she is 18, has half a million, having the time of her life and you’re stressing about her? Christ, some people really do create their own problems!

I’m a university lecturer and meet plenty of undergraduates. They are all different ages to be honest. She won’t be out of place in the slightest.

I’m encouraging my son to take a gap year. I think students benefit from the time out. They need to be ready to make the best of university life. Actively wanting to be there helps enormously!

I can understand your anxiety, especially about the money. My main concern would be she's wastes the 500k, can you ask her dad about that? But ultimately there is not an awful lot you can do unfortunately if the money was not given to her by you

I did three gap years! Though admittedly they were more spread out (one before uni, one before law school, one before starting work) and the third one was actually about six months.

I am now a lawyer in the city and wish I’d travelled a lot more first. It’s so hard to get another chance to take time off without going backwards once you get on the work treadmill. Let her get on and enjoy it, life is short and travel is one of the best things in it, it makes you a more interesting (and employable) person.

I took two years out before I went to uni and it honestly didn’t matter that I was 2 years older than some of the cohort, there were lots of students my age who’d also taken our 2 years on my course and in my halls and lots who’d taken out a year. There were also students who’d taken out 3 years and mature students etc. It honestly didn’t matter at all.

Besides if she no longer knows what she wants to study she’d be daft to go to uni now, she’d be better taking another year, reflecting on what kind of career she can see herself doing and doing a course she’s sure she wants to do.

wow to start life with £500k in your savings. Its another world to what i grew up with. I can only hope she doesn’t blow it all on these trips

I was pretty much your DD 20 odd years ago. Please let her enjoy this adventure, there's plenty of time for 'real' life. Also, an age gap of a few years really doesn't matter once you get to uni. Any chance you can fly out to meet her at some stage? That might put your mind at rest.