DD wants a second gap year

[Longstorylittle]

DD is nearly 19, her dad and I split when she was little and he was much more comfortable, he was mortgage free, made a lot more than I did. He was able to max out DDs childhood trust fund/JISA allowance each year. His parents also saved for her (she is the only child and grandchild on that side, I have other children). Basically on turning 18 she had nearly half a million available to her. She lives with her dad from 10-18 and our relationship is a little fraught.

She decided to take a gap year, in August she left on a one way flight to Bangkok and hasn't been home since. She's met an Irish boy who I don't know if he's her boyfriend or what but they seem to be travelling together now. I'm happy she's out exploring. I don't know how her dad's managing the money with her or if she just has full access, but she's doing cheap hostels etc. so I imagine he's regulating access. She's a good kid, had a part time job at sixth form etc, and always seemed so driven. She has deferred entry offer for Law at a really good uni.

Tonight we planned a call, I asked if she had any idea when she would be home. She said she probably won't be back this year, that her dad is coming out to meet her soon. I asked about uni and she said she doesn't want to study law anymore, maybe wants to do languages or Physiotherapy? Is undecided, wants time to decide.
I asked her plan, apparently her and this Irish guy are going to head to Australia around July, do a working holiday for 5-7 months, then head off to South America for 6 months!

I'm worried about her, this is nothing like she used to be and I don't think another gap year is in her best interests?? She will be 2 years older than most her uni cohort by the time she starts? She wanted to study law forever and now it's caution to the wind.

AIBU to be unhappy with this and to speak to her dad to see if he can make her think rationally? Otherwise I fear she will waste all this money just travelling and regret it when older

‘Make her’? OP has zero say here. She hasn’t financially contributed to her daughter, or apparently regularly seen her, since she was eleven.

The father has managed, has grown, and is growing the money. OP needs to back the hell off.

Oh, damn. Didn't know that was the case. I agree with you then.

My youngest did 2 years due to Covid it has not hampered her in anyway. She worked in a school and experience has enabled her to get completely flexible paid employment with a teaching agency throughout the duration of her course. She has not found the age gap to be a problem, her maturity has meant that she has been better able to organise her life. She has never had to ask for an extension for her course work and is not afraid to ask lecturers for help and advice. The 2 years working meant she had time to think about the course she wanted and has no 'buyers regrets' unlike some of her friends one of whom has dropped out.

As someone who travelled then went back to uni age 27 to study law, here is some info. Most people on my law course were not 18 to 21. They were every age up to age 60. You can become a lawyer at literally any age you like. Also, law is incredibly boring, the reality of a life in law is very different from the dream you have of being a glamourous well paid lawyer. The hours are insanely long and with a horribly intense work pressure environment for high paid roles, these ate very competative and placements are scarce , and then there are lots of solicitors who earn quite average salarys doing property and the like, stuck in dingy offices in thr bqck end of town centres under piles of paperwork. A legal career isnt the be all and end all and she can go back to it at any time. One thing I have never regretted is travelling. Not one regret there at all. Sooner or later she will have to settle down somewhere, somehow and these travelling memories will be so treasured for her. I actually now work in marketing, law wasnt for me for the reasons I stated above, it was an expensive endevour as the degrees are so expensive now. Theres more enjoyable ways to make money for sure.

Second that from someone who is trying to get out of law. I had one of the more glamour s jobs in law, the pressure of which severely impacted my mental health. It’s not for everyone. I went into it at 19, I hadn’t a clue.

Let her live while she's young, you couldn't stop her and she'd just resent you for it anyway.

If she was asking you to fund it that would be different.

She’s allowed to change her mind and do something she’ll enjoy rather than be persuaded to do something she might end up resenting. It sounds as though travelling has broadened her horizons and made her realise a bit more about herself.

She hasn't lived with you since she was 10, so I don't think you can really say anything. She has the time, money and companionship to do it. I'd leave her to it, I'm sure her dad is managing just fine with her money. Uni will still be there when she comes home. She's an adult now.

She's a grown up and you need to accept her life decisions and just be there for her.

This makes it even more important that you seek to forge a relationship with your eldest DD as a grown up. If she knows you are there for her, able to support her emotionally if she needs it and listening without judgement then you're much more likely to maintain or even grow a healthy and happy relationship as she continues to mature in her adult years.

She's an adult and it's her money.

You sound bitter twisted amd jealous.
She is your daughter to and you font have to take 3 kids with you to see her. Your kids at home will cope for a couple of weeks. Your angry because your daughter is enjoying life how bloody sad!!
I honestly feel sorry for your daughter. You punish her because you don't like her dad how bloody awful. You won't make time for her and your only worried about money that's nothing to do with you. It says way more about you than her.

As a lecturer, I think the majority of 18-year-olds are too young for uni. I wish they could all take a couple of years out to scratch their hedonic itches and get it out of their system. Even slightly older students tend to be quite a bit wiser.

What a wonderful position to be in, and one she'll unlikely ever be able to replicate again. Let her spread her wings, she'll never regret the experiences she's having.
She absolutely won't be older than her cohort, undergrads can be any age and having real life experience counts for so much when you're looking for work.
I'd be proud to have raised an independent adventurer, and I can say that work a twenty year old undergrad who is still under my roof!
Let her enjoy life!

Wow that sounds brilliant. If she's working along the way and staying in hostels she really won't get too far into £500k. She'll have plenty of money for the future.

Plenty of people don't start studying for a career until they're a little older. Far better to get some life experience and figure out what you want to do than waste time studying something you're not interested in.

She has a fantastic opportunity to travel, go her for embracing it!

@Longstorylittle Sounds like a bloody wonderful life! Uni is over rated anyway!

Why does it seem unlikely? It seems a little sad that you're pooh-pooh'ing a dream that could be perfectly realistic if she puts the effort and dedication in.

Older students with life experience tend to get better grades. Now is the time for her to do this

If she got in with a sports team, they do tend to travel rather a lot!

She's living the dream. You should be happy and proud for her.

There's always time to get a degree later and it absolutely doesn't need to be law (which is the most overvalued but relatively speaking unnecessary occupation anyway). She's taking time to decide and that's very mature of her. Truthfully, law is boring nitpicking of words and clauses, is only remotely glamorous because people earn a lot but they also burn out quickly.

Butt out.

I think your over reacting, people studying at uni are of all different ages and tbh the difference between an 18yo and a 20yo isn't really much of a difference at all. She has this amazing opportunity to travel the world, and it doesn't sound like she is being frivolous with the money she has been gifted, she is being sensible and plans to earn while away too. Once you study and start a career it is alot more difficult to enjoy what she is doing now, can't just take a couple of months off to visit another continent, so she is doing it now and then will decide what she wants to do when she is back. Life is for living, she is making memories and doing experiences most of us can only ever dream of, good on her.

I work in a university and honestly the students who start their degree at 20/21 are more ready, level headed and tend to knuckle down and study more. There are countries like Germany and Iceland where it’s really normal to go to uni in mid to late 20s as it’s considered something you would do when more mature. I retrained in the mid 20s and got so much more out of it. Your daughter has the right idea!

Sounds amazing, coming from somebody who has never been able to easily afford a weeks package holiday abroad, I would have killed for this opportunity.
No we are our 40’s none of our friends remember who was older than us at uni, or who deferred, but my friends do talk about their travels and remember them fondly x

Wow she’s secure financially and she’s free to choose her path. I’d be made up as her mum!

I am going to go against the grain here and say I completely hear you. I'd be unsettled too by this new information and perhaps the amount of money that she has available to her at such a young age. Having said, you acknowledge she is a good kid so I would hold on to that and trust that all will be fine. Also, she's travelling safely with her boyfriend and Dad seems to manage things so she's not acting like a Trustafarian but paying her way .. I think relax. Yes, she is going to come home later than you expected (which would throw me too) but I suspect her journey in life will still be full of promise and these extra months abroad won't change things that much.