Buying a house with in-laws

[ohmyohmy123]

My in-laws are in their 80's - both DH and I work full time and have children, pets etc. we live quite close and try our best to support them. They are now at the point that they need regular care which is difficult as we take turns to visit each evening but they are isolated and lonely and it's hard work to try to leave - they find jobs for us to do or complain we've not been there long enough.

DH sibling lives too far and sees them once a month so it's all on us.

They have a cleaner and a gardener but complain about having to pay people when they have family near by. They expect my children to support with gardening etc (they are 12 & 14 and do lots of extra curricular activities so rarely get time. They do small
Jobs like putting their bins out each week but with 2 hours of homework each evening and their clubs I don't feel it's fair to expect more from them.

I cook at their house twice a week to ensure they see us all together but it's not enough for them and they still complain they haven't seen us.

I have seen a house big enough to house us all to enable us to care for them whilst having our own space. It would mean them giving the money from their house sale to help fund it.

I have discussed this at length and father in law is on board- however mil is saying that it isn't fair to sibling as they should have half of the house sale. Whilst I appreciate this - we can mortgage partially to cover it. Sibling is quite precious about it and everything has to be "fair" so they wouldn't be happy about it incase we got more than them.

For example in laws wanted to help us buy our first marital home but sibling complained so they had to half the money between us.

DH says they won't do it because sibling would be unhappy etc. To me it's not about money but about quality of my time. Preparing meals, cleaning, gardening etc whilst raising my children and cooking, cleaning in my own house. It they lived with us it would be easier for me and I know that's selfish for me - but DH expects me to pick up the slack as his job is more physically demanding (mine is mentally demanding).

It is affecting the relationship with my own family as my own mother is on her own and has needs but I always have to prioritise in laws so my mum misses out on my time. I still manage her money, do her shopping etc but she then feels guilty asking for help as
She knows I'm stretched.

I don't really know what I want from this thread - time management advice? Tell me to man up and make DH do the care for his parents, suck it up and get on with it?!

Totally agree! My brother died just over a week ago and he should definitely have got half of anything from our parents ( he was single and childless). It upsets me that he won't now. I can't get my head around being an 'only child' now! My parents are early 80s, in laws are both deceased.

If the other sibling is such a stickler for fairness then they need to spend weekends with THEIR parents to care for them. If you do during the week which is 5 days it only fair they do weekends. At the end of the day none of this is your job. Stop prioritising your PIL and prioritise your mum. Why do her needs matter less? You’ll really regret the time you missed with her when she is gone.
You need to tell DH, BIL and PIL that things are going to change. You are no longer go to carer as you have your own mum and they need to sort this out between them. No more being a doormat. Put your mum first for a change.

I have sympathy for you as last year we lost my elderly grandparents. They were both able to stay in their own home but it was hard work. My granny expected myself and my mother to fo absolutely everything for them. We did as much as we possibly could whilst working and I had two small children.
They fought against getting carers in as they didn't like the thought of strangers in their house etc but in the end we had to and it was the best decision we ever made. The carers became like family and my granny loved them.
Help as much as you feel you can for now but definitely tell your husband and sibling to step up more. You have a mother and kids who need you. You will run yourself into the ground doing it all as their needs get more complicated.

Back up and prioritise YOUR mum and children when in-laws complain raise their fairness issues and suggest their other child does more

you are not a robot and any equity in a joint purchase would be quickly absorbed by your payment for doing stuff for them if the sibling has issue with this then they need to resolve the problem

your mum and children deserve equal time so put them first see how long it takes for the in-laws to moan then

Your in-laws sound revolting. My elderly parents are grateful if we ever offer to do something but never expect or demand.

They sound so entitled! Your DH and his sibling can step up, and/or they can pay for help, and you do the bare minimum. Focus on you, your children and your mum. It doesn’t even sound as though they appreciate any of the massive effort your putting in for them and just expect you - the woman - to be doing it all.

Are u mad
Move your own mum in and prioritise her
Let your DH sort out his parents

Yes I would quietly step back. Find out about local services to help the elderly at home and perhaps leave them some brochures. Or email them to the sibling and ask them to help organise some regular help for their parents.

Your in laws sound entitled and unpleasant.

Don't buy a house with them, you would just be an unpaid maid and carer 24 hours a day and they probably still would find something to complain about...

What you should do is take a step back and stop providing so much support.

Why are you putting these selfish adults above your children? I would suggest telling them that from, say, the middle of April you have a lot of commitments and won't be able to help them out any more and you would suggest that they look into paid help. Then don't answer their calls - call back a few days later for a social chat but don't get dragged into helping.

Absolutely no way. You will be a live in servant potentially for decades

And DO NOT move in with them or buy a house together.

OP - your PiL are extremely selfish people (I suspect your DH is too, hence why you are doing so much for his family). Should you go forward with the plan to have them live with you, you will never be able to get away from them. Forget going on holiday with your DC, PiL will want to come. Taking the kids to an activity “we’ll come with you for the ride”. seeing your own mother? Forget that because they will complain about all the attention you give her and that you never do anything for them.

My PiL were genuinely lovely people and saints compared to yours and were always appreciative of what we did for them. Would I ever live with them? Hell no!

I hope you really have had an epiphany OP, because they're treating you like a servant, your husband is happy for you to be a servant, and it would be 100x worse if you all lived together.

If the sibling wants everything to be fair tell them to move closer and help out 50% of the time or to pay for the cost of someone to do the same.

The current situation can’t go on. Get the bigger house, pay off the sibling. Job done.

Don’t buy a house with them and say you can’t help out as much either but paid carers etc can help. Say they either move to a more manageable property if their own isn’t liveable in or look at things like stairlifts for their own property.

You sound so generous with your time and loving towards PIL.

I agree your DH sibling needs to do more. Even two weekends a month so they can keep on top of gardening and DIY jobs to save you time in between their visits, as well as doing their weekly shop, cleaning the house and leaving an enormous shepherds pie for the Monday so all you need to do is reheat on Monday and repeat for a second evening.

Also, could your mum join you for dinner at the in-laws so you can spend a bit more time with her?

Or the DPs could use their own money to organise gardeners and handymen.

Don't buy a house with them under any circumstances! Your life will become hell with their demands. Your DH needs to step up and do more for them and arrange additional support. You need to step back and make sure your kids aren't forced into doing stuff for them all the time; you PILs just need to pay for more help if they need it. Just get used to responding "Yes, DC couldn't make it they are doing homework/at jujitsu/whatever" rinse and repeat constantly

Just think do you really want to be caring for them for another 10 years when your children may have left for uni and you should be enjoying your life?

At least you have the ability to say no and have some distance now.

The sibling that does nothing is taking the piss. Let them come and do half the work.

Alternatively, move a similar distance away so it's not your problem either.

WTF? Why? They could have a myriad of reasons why they can't or don't want to. Your children are not your servants!

I’m trying to find ways the OP can ease away from being the PIL’s primary carer and spend more time with her mum.

Finance permitting, I think they do need to buy in more help. I’ve always lived in villages and there are always people around (often newly retired themselves) who’ll come in to clean, mow the lawn, take in ironing and do handyman jobs. I assume it’s the same in towns and cities.

I also don’t think it’s unreasonable for the PIL to have a microwave dinner a couple of times a week to ease the need for care. Batch cook and reheat or something from supermarket. If they aren’t capable of zapping a pre-cooked meal they need to be in a home already.

But I definitely don’t think OP is under any obligation to them and agree they are taking the piss.

Would be nice if she turned up to a bunch of flowers or a bottle of wine one night, but hey ho!

I’m glad this thread has been helpful to you OP.

Nobody has the right to demand you care for them. In-laws have got completely the wrong end of the stick about life. You’re not even a bio child. DH and his DS need some tough conversations with them.

You need to establish strong boundaries around your life, work, childcare.

At this point they need to sell their property and use the proceeds to pay for an independent living flat in a retirement village with the option of higher needs care going forward.

Why does no one have any sense of familial responsibility anymore?

Look after your parents in old age??? Oh nooooo, you could be out there enjoying your life!!! Why impede yourself??

Afterall, they’ve only looked after and paid for you up until the point of adulthood, often beyond, helped you through education, with your car/wedding/house/other significwnt acquisition or occasion, helped you with your children… the list goes on.

Why would you care about them at all?!?

I cared for a lot of family and intend to do so for my remaining relative.

I can’t imagine being so selfish as to exclude their well being from my overall plans.

OP is right to consider this an option, or at least to have the parents closer to them.

The only reason you shouldn’t @ohmyohmy123 is that the care system will do less and less for you where there are live in family. If you have them close by but say to the care system you are unavailable they will give maximum calls and help, although they will have to pay for it (maybe you don’t want that?).

Buying a house with your in laws would be a bad bad bad bad bad bad bad idea! You would just end up being their skivvy. And how ironic that the sibling that insists that everything is 'fair' is the one who does nothing to help! Once a month was it?? No. Big fat no.
If your in laws pass away the sibling will be expecting their inheritance, how on earth will that work?
Why can't your inlaws downsize and maybe move to an assisted living property?