Buying a house with in-laws

[ohmyohmy123]

My in-laws are in their 80's - both DH and I work full time and have children, pets etc. we live quite close and try our best to support them. They are now at the point that they need regular care which is difficult as we take turns to visit each evening but they are isolated and lonely and it's hard work to try to leave - they find jobs for us to do or complain we've not been there long enough.

DH sibling lives too far and sees them once a month so it's all on us.

They have a cleaner and a gardener but complain about having to pay people when they have family near by. They expect my children to support with gardening etc (they are 12 & 14 and do lots of extra curricular activities so rarely get time. They do small
Jobs like putting their bins out each week but with 2 hours of homework each evening and their clubs I don't feel it's fair to expect more from them.

I cook at their house twice a week to ensure they see us all together but it's not enough for them and they still complain they haven't seen us.

I have seen a house big enough to house us all to enable us to care for them whilst having our own space. It would mean them giving the money from their house sale to help fund it.

I have discussed this at length and father in law is on board- however mil is saying that it isn't fair to sibling as they should have half of the house sale. Whilst I appreciate this - we can mortgage partially to cover it. Sibling is quite precious about it and everything has to be "fair" so they wouldn't be happy about it incase we got more than them.

For example in laws wanted to help us buy our first marital home but sibling complained so they had to half the money between us.

DH says they won't do it because sibling would be unhappy etc. To me it's not about money but about quality of my time. Preparing meals, cleaning, gardening etc whilst raising my children and cooking, cleaning in my own house. It they lived with us it would be easier for me and I know that's selfish for me - but DH expects me to pick up the slack as his job is more physically demanding (mine is mentally demanding).

It is affecting the relationship with my own family as my own mother is on her own and has needs but I always have to prioritise in laws so my mum misses out on my time. I still manage her money, do her shopping etc but she then feels guilty asking for help as
She knows I'm stretched.

I don't really know what I want from this thread - time management advice? Tell me to man up and make DH do the care for his parents, suck it up and get on with it?!

You visit - they complain.

You cook - they complain.

You do jobs for them - they complain.

There's a pattern here. Their needs are only going to get higher, and that's not something fixed with time management. Your DH needs to sort out their expectations and your ILs need to pony up for gardeners, etc, rather than exploiting you and your kids.

I'd suggest your DH write a list of things you/he do for your ILs and send it to the sibling. Maybe the sibling can intervene and convince the ILs to accept outside help. Or they can start paying you the going rate.

If you buy a place together you need to have a good, hard think about what you'll do if/when your ILs lose mobility, become doubly incontinent, develop dementia, or other very hands-on needs. Plus your finances will become very complicated. (I've been there and done that on both these aspects, btw, please go in with your eyes wide open because my life was absolutely BOOKED to the max around all the care issues, and I was raising young children too.)

I always have to prioritise in laws so my mum misses out

Why? Why do you have to prioritise your in-laws over your mother? And why on earth would you live with said in-laws? Why does your mother not get that option to live with you?

" my own mother is on her own and has needs but I always choose to prioritise in laws "

Jesus put in some boundaries. You or your husband are over there every single night? When do you get any time as a family?!! And you are putting them above your own mother, that’s really unfair. They are being incredibly entitled and you are being a pushover. It’s not like they are even happy if they are complaining all the time.
When they next moan you haven’t been there long enough ‘maybe it’s time to start paying a handyman for these jobs, I’ve got enough to do in my own home.’ ‘I think I’ve seen you more than my own husband this week!’ Be blunt. Get a thick skin. Stop pandering to them.
I know it sounds harsh but they could easily live another ten years. Your kids will be grown and have left home by then, do you want those last years with them before they fly the nest to be you always busy and over at the in-laws cooking their dinner or listening to them moan?

Totally this. You will be expected to clean up everything. To change adult nappies. To spoon feed them. It will never be enough and you will always fail. That is the like of them
They are already doing it. This is mot the time to move closer. It is time to say "it is a shame we cannot meet your needs. Let's have a look at sheltered housing".

DO NOT DO THIS.

However difficult the expectations placed on you now are, if you share a home it will be ten times worse.

The financial issues and complications are also very significant and not to be underestimated.

You need to dial back and reevaluate the situation.

To start with, it's not your children's responsibility to provide care to their grandparents.

Secondly it's not your responsibility to prioritise care for your in laws over your own mother.

My start point would be to call adult social services and get both your mother and in laws a social care assessment.

Get a professional social worker to assess their needs. Having a third party to do this can be helpful.

Depending on assets is likely they will need to self fund some/all care. They won't like this.

However you need to establish your own boundaries.

My grandparents and parents were run ragged providing care for their parents. Thankfully for me that's not meant they expect that of me, rather the reverse and they have planned to be able to afford care if/when they need it.

They don't want me to be a "squeezed middle" working with children and elderly care responsibilities.

I'm lucky they feel that way but hand on heart as much as I love them I wouldn't do it anyway re: part/full time care. DH and I have financial plans in place so our children will not become our care providers in the hopefully very distant future.

Your DH needs to work with his parents and brother to find a way forward as do you with your mother.

Do not let all the responsibilities lie with you or pass that on to your children.

Also think ahead to your own future needs so your children are not in the same position.

Your mum is on her own. Your in-laws have each other.

I'm just gobsmacked that you are living your life to suit your in-laws while neglecting your mum.

You say your in-laws feel isolated and lonely? Well how do you think your mum feels LIVING ALL ALONE?

As a widow living alone with a good relationship with my daughter, I can't imagine how hurt I'd feel to be bottom of the pile for visits and have my DD move in with her in-laws. The couple who I would be very envious of even now, because they have each other. Another person in the house. Someone to talk to.

I'm not needy, but I'd be very very hurt and sad that it didn't enter her head to think about me in the same way.

OP- is there a cultural element here where you might be 'expected' to be their carer?
-Most councils offer assisted bin collections- IF they truly need this help, then ask the council to do this, not your children!
-Are adult social services involved? If not, get them in to assess. There might be extra supports available.
-Why on earth are you prioritising your PIL's over your mum? This is bonkers and you will never get that time back!
-DO NOT buy this house OP! PIL's need assessment and if needed, downsize and more professional support. You are doing FAR too much at the jeopardy of your own mum and children! I don't think you can actually see this!
-They aren't happy no matter how much you do! What does your DH do?
-IF you did buy the house, what are your plans when PILs need further support? Stroke, bedridden, dementia or just a mobility decline? Are you or DH going to stop work to be full time carers?
-You can still be supportive, but no need to sacrifice your own life and that of your children and your mum for this!

Don’t do it!

Call in or phone them once a week to make sure they’re ok if you feel the need but stop pandering to them. They don’t appreciate what you do for them.

Let your dh and his brother do the running around after them. You concentrate on your mum and your dc.

Your in laws are not your responsibility.

If the gardening and cleaning and cooking is too much for them, then your dh needs to suggest they look at moving into sheltered accommodation or even one of the rather nice retirement villages that have sprung up everywhere.

I have several friends in different retirement villages whose only regrets are not doing it earlier.
Suddenly you have a smaller place to clean. No gardening. Maintenance done for you. Cafeterias in the building for when you don't want to cook. As much company as you choose to join. As many activities and clubs as you choose to partake in. But also your own front door for when you don't.

I an't understand how you have both got yourself into this expectation of spending so much time at their house EVERY DAY. It's just not sustainable or healthy.

Great post and also a reminder to reflect on all the other people impacted.

How would your children feel?

The care expectation of them already seems inappropriate to me - how's that going to be under the same roof?

Your MIL wants to be "fair" about inheritance but not fair about the care burden here and now. DH's sibling wants to have their cake and eat it.

Care costs. I suggest if you want to be fair then you tally up the hours you and your DH spend caring for your in laws and if generous (as agency care is often up to £20 p/h) calculate yourselves a minimum wage and ask him to pay half.....

You need to prioritise your Mother. DH and his sibling can look after his parents. What is their care status at present? Have they been assessed? Are they entitled to AA?

What happens if they need care? Giving half of any money to sibling would probably be seen as deprivation of assets and you could end up with a charge against your house.

Your SIL needs to butt out - she wants everything to be fair, she can either move closer or visit more / for longer, to help out, or you can reduce your help to once a month to match hers.

Your PIL ans husband sound ungrateful, it sounds like they expect an unreasonable amount of help. Did they help you loads when your kids were young or something?

Working in a physical job doesn't mean your husband can't cook and provide company etc for his own parents. Would he help out with your mum as much as you help out with his, if he worked slightly less? I doubt it.

You need to be bit more selfish here or you will end up trying to please everyone, but pleasing no one, while burning yourself out

I agree with WhateverMate

"I think moving in together would have disaster written all over it. What would happen if they needed round the clock care in their 90s?"

Unless you desperately want to live with your in-laws, I would not but a home together.

In your shoes I would simply make it plain to your husband that you cannot do this massage chore of looking after his elderly parents, while your own mum is lonely and while your teenage children need you, and need their own time dor home work and after school classes.

It seems your husband's sibling would like half the inheritance and not much of the work for caring for elderly relatives, that is not fair. Your inlaws can leave their home to whoever they want and do what they want with their money, including paying people to do gardening/housework or whatever.

My mother ended up with dementia and needed round the clock care, her home paid for this. I have no idea what you would do if this happened and you were in a shared home. My mother-in-law now has dementia.

Please do not allow your in-laws to dictate your life. You will probably called selfish etc but I think you would be being proactive to look after your own family.

I would instantly withdrew the offer to buy together and gently back away from all these additional 'duties' they have imposed on you.

Agree with MojoMoon "Don't martyr yourself. Your husband would not do the same for your mum, I bet." And even if he would, you do not need to do it for your in-laws. You really do not need to do this.

Nice idea in theory, but hell no to the practice.
You sound very kind and caring but sorry I think it would be a quick route to resentment

My brother lives in a different country so care for our parents will fall to me. That doesn’t mean I would try to take his inheritance. Half is his and I can’t see trying to justify otherwise. I think it’s pretty outrageous to try to get dh’s inheritance plus some to buy a bigger house. You don’t have to do the amount of caring but choose to and now think it would be more convenient if you bought a house and sidelined brother in law. It’s a nope from me.

TeenLifeMum It's not an inheritance until someone dies. At the moment it is just money the OP's parents-in-law live on, or rather money they do not spend but expect the OP to do things for free for.

If you end up doing everything for your mum, that's fine if that is what you want to do. What your mum decides to do with any money she leaves will be up to her. But if she were to split it differently, based on the fact you are doing more for her, that doesn't seem unfair to me at all.

OP I think, in time, you will be enormously relieved that your mother in law said no to buying a house together. A lucky escape for you.

Wow… they have each other. DH should visit a couple of times a week . You could have a family dinner once a fortnight and the children have no responsibilities.
How dare they demand your family’s time like this. You have your own life. Is this a cultural thing ?

What a bad idea. This is not your burden. If your mum falls ill, will DH neglect his career, his sleep and his health to care for her, cook for her, clean for her? No.

This!

This with bells on!

I agree with everyone - terrible idea! They'll treat you and your children as their live-in servants.

@ohmyohmy123 , I am bewildered as to why your in laws need appear to trump those of your mother. Could you explain?

Hell no, I would not buy a house with them.

Stop letting them dictate what you and your children should be doing for them. Decide what you are prepared to offer and stick to it. They can pay for whatever extra help they need or your DH can step up.

I think everyone has already eloquently made the points I was going to make! Definitely get your DH to do the lion’s share of work for his parents, why should the burden fall on you to the extent that your own mother misses out? Is it just because your in-laws shout louder and are more demanding? As for buying a house with the PILs, just Nooooooo on so many levels! You’d regret that immediately. Regarding the financial side, does the sibling who is always banging on about what’s fair do their fair share of chores/support for their own parents? I doubt it.